Disclaimer: Still own nothing.
A.N: I had a really hard time writing this chapter. I don't know why but it took me forever and my lack of concentration wasn't helping either. I changed the story from 6 to 11 months after "The Real Paul Anka" because I found out recently that the episode was set in April (not September like I first thought).
But now on with the fourth chapter.
BUSTED!
A month later Lorelai sat in Luke's Diner and enjoyed her sixth cup of coffee in this morning. The first rush was over and apart from her Kirk was the only customer. He sat at the counter and poked at his breakfast lost in thought. When Luke disappeared into the kitchen, Lorelai sensed her chance. She left the table at which she just had sat and started to let the remains of the recently gone customers disappear into the bag she had brought along. When she arrived at the counter she stopped in front of Kirk and asked with a mastered look:
"Do you want to eat that yet?"
Taken aback, Kirk looked up and asked baffled:
"Why? Is anything wrong with my breakfast?"
"Well…"
"I knew it." he chimed in. "It has somehow tasted odd."
Lorelai thought about a good way to put him off his meal and meanwhile pull his leg well and truly.
"I tell you this because you're my friend. Okay?"
Kirk nodded insecurely.
"Caesar had a bit of a stomach problem this morning and he has therefore fetched a laxative from the drugstore." Lorelai continued undeterred. "And well…it has disappeared mysteriously."
Kirk had dropped his fork abruptly.
"You think there is a chance that it was in my breakfast?" he asked horrified.
"That would be possible."
"Oh my god!" he squealed and leaped from his seat. "I'm allergic to laxatives. The effect of it increases tenfold with me. The last time I couldn't leave the toilet a whole week."
Beads of sweat had already formed on his forehead.
"Oh my god! It's starting." he squeaked, apparently convinced that the medicine already began to work. "I need a toilet. Where is the next toilet?"
"Upstairs." Lorelai replied and had to refrain from laughing.
"But nobody is allowed to go up there! That's strictly forbidden."
"That's okay! Really! Just go up!" she tried to convince him but he did not budge. "Hurry! I think it was a very strong kind."
At that Kirk instantly spun on his heel and stumbled up the stairs as fast as he could. When he was out of earshot Lorelai began to put the remains of his breakfast in her bag.
"What the heck are you doing there?!" a gruff voice suddenly asked.
Alarmed, she dropped the bag and looked innocently over to Luke who stood in the kitchen doorway and scowled.
"Nothing." she replied cautiously.
"You were this? All the time?" It was more a statement than a question.
Lorelai knew that denying was useless. Her cover was blown. She shrugged her shoulders sheepishly.
"I'm waiting to hear your explanation!" he pressed.
"It's for Paul Anka."
"What?" he countered aghast. "You stole food for your dog? Why would you do something like that? Are you out of your mind?"
"Stole is such a harsh word. I would say I borrowed it."
"Lorelai!" he scolded.
"He hates dog food." she confessed eventually. "Particularly the one of Doose's Market. Have you smelled this before? It's disgusting. No wonder that he…"
"You could have asked me."
"But it was more fun that way, wasn't it?"
"You're crazy! I'm marrying a lunatic!"
"But a markedly pretty lunatic." she countered flashing him a flirtatious smile. When she only got a grunt in response she added:
"Oh, come on! It was hilarious how you chased Kirk through the whole diner to frisk him because you thought he was the delinquent. He was screaming like a little girl."
"Hilarious!" he answered with dry sarcasm.
"Speaking of which…"
At this moment Kirk emerged behind the curtain which concealed the stairs leading to Luke's apartment.
"False alarm!" he called happily. "Thank God! I'm favored by fortune."
"What the hell were you doing up there?" Luke who had planted himself in front of Kirk snapped at him angrily.
"I…um…" Kirk stuttered intimidated.
Luke spun around and directed his wrathful gaze towards Lorelai.
"Lorelai! What was he doing up there?"
Before she was able to open her mouth Kirk decided to take the matter into his own hands.
"Lorelai said I could use your bathroom." he explained. "By the way which brand of toilet paper do you use? I found it a little too woody. I could recommend mine to you if you are interested."
"NO!" Luke pointed out as plain as can be. "Why didn't you use your own bathroom?"
"It was an emergency."
"What kind of emergency?"
"Lorelai told me about the mishap with the laxative." Kirk blurted out.
"Mishap? Laxative? Lorelai! What the hell is going on?"
Lorelai backed off a few steps towards the door and reached for her bag.
"It has just occurred to me that I still have to take care of something quite urgently."
"You stay!" Luke commanded blocking her way. "Unless I'm very much mistaken you have a finger in the pie. And until I've got an answer you will go nowhere."
"Well…"
"Still waiting!"
"Um, maybe I told Kirk that there would be a slight chance of a laxative being in his breakfast. And maybe I just made the whole story up to take him for a ride."
"What? Why would you do that?"
"It was fun and I wanted to get his remains."
"You are indeed crazy!" Luke stated. "Correct me if I'm wrong! First you steal food out of my diner and let me blame Kirk for it and now you go and tell my customers stories about contaminated food to accomplish your goal. And to crown it all they are stupid enough to believe you." He turned around and shot a glance at Kirk. "No offence, Kirk!" Immediately, he turned back addressing Lorelai once again. "I can't grasp it!"
"The story was just bogus?" Kirk asked dumbfounded. It had obviously taken a while until he realized what was going on.
"I'm sorry, Kirk!" she replied guiltily.
"You just wanted to make fun of me?" he asked in an incredulous intonation ignoring her apology.
"I already said that I'm sorry. Okay?"
"You hurt my feelings, Lorelai." he whined. "I thought we were friends but obviously you find it funny to jibe at me. First my mother and now you."
"We are friends, Kirk. I'm really sorry. How can I make amends for it?"
"You can't. It's too late." Kirk replied huffily.
"Think about it. I'd do anything." she purred.
"Anything?" he asked hopefully.
"Anything!"
"Okay, I will think about it." he confirmed grinning from ear to ear.
Satisfied with herself she turned towards Luke and kissed him on the cheek.
"I will go home then and think about my disgraceful behavior."
"I should hope so." Luke retorted gruffly.
After the door had closed behind her back he let out a sigh of relief. As much as she managed to drive him up the wall sometimes he couldn't help but love her. And secretly – although he'd never admit it to anyone - he loved her little follies as well. It simply never got boring with Lorelai Gilmore.
Suddenly it occurred to him what he had intended to do before this wacky incident. He took off his cap, stroked through his hair and returned behind the counter calling in the direction of the kitchen.
"Caesar could you stand in for me for a while?"
He heard the clatter of dishes and then the grumpy voice of his employee.
"If it must be."
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
Arrived on the upper storey Luke entered his former apartment that only served as an office now that he had moved in with his fiancé. His previous habitation hadn't changed much. Actually everything was still on the spot except for most of his clothes and his personal belongings.
He strode to the table, took a seat on one of the chairs and grabbed the telephone. Taking a deep breath, he dialed a number that had meanwhile become very familiar to him and waited impatiently for someone to pick up the phone.
"Hello?" answered an acquainted voice on the other end of the line.
"Hey, it's Luke!"
"Hey, to what do I owe the honor?"
"Well…" Luke trailed off not knowing how to begin.
"If you want your book 'HOW TO STAY SANE IN A SMALL TOWN' back, I have to disappoint you. I'm not through with it yet." Jess interjected sounding amused when he gave his uncle the little dig.
"Ha ha, very funny. Actually I wanted the book 'HOW I PROTECT MYSELF FROM SWAN ATTACKS' back." Luke shot back beating his nephew at his own game.
"Touché!" Jess stated approvingly with a light chuckle in his voice. "So, what's up?"
"I have some news I wanted to tell you."
"Shoot!"
"We finally set a date."
"Who?"
"Lorelai and me."
"For what?" Jess asked enjoying the little inquiry-response game.
"Our wedding!"
"Wow! Are you pregnant?"
"Don't be a wise-ass." Luke responded gruffly.
Jess chuckled lightly on the other end of the line enjoying their little banter and said in a very sincere tone: "Seriously, I'm really happy for you. It was about time."
"Thanks, nephew. But that's not the only reason I'm calling."
"Okay."
"I wanted to ask you if you'd be my best man."
"Really?" Jess asked astonished. "Are you sure?"
"Of course I'm sure. Otherwise I wouldn't have asked."
"I mean, does Lorelai have nothing against me coming to your wedding? Last time I checked, she wanted my balls on a platter."
"She'll get over it." Luke assured him.
"If you say so."
"So?" Luke asked referring to his earlier question.
"What?" Jess responded knowing exactly what his uncle meant but not able to resist the urge to let him repeat his question.
"Don't play dumb, Jess." Luke countered irritated. "Will you be my best man?"
"It'd be my pleasure."
"Great."
After a short pause where neither of them said anything, Jess was the first to break the silence.
"So, have you already planned everything? The reception, the honeymoon and so on?"
"Mostly, but I don't think that we will go on a honeymoon."
"What?" Jess asked puzzled. "How so?"
"Well… The last time I left Caesar alone with the diner, he almost burned down the kitchen. I couldn't enjoy my honeymoon if I'm constantly afraid of losing my subsistence."
"Huh." Jess pondered over the situation while thoughtfully scratching the back of his head. Suddenly he had an obvious idea. "I could take care of the diner for two weeks after the wedding."
"Oh, no. I can't ask you to do that."
"You're not asking, I'm offering."
"What about your job?" Luke tried to reason.
"I can take the days off."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah."
"But then let me at least pay you."
"No way!"
"I insist!"
"So, when will the great event take place?" Jess asked quickly changing the subject.
"June 16th."
"Great! That suits me fine! I have some appointments in the surrounding area at the beginning of June. Since I'm already in the region I could come two weeks sooner if that's okay with you. That way you could have some time off to get ready for your wedding and I can go to my appointments from there just as well."
"Sounds good."
"Cool! So, see you in six weeks?"
"See you in six weeks."
"Keep me posted!"
"I will."
A click on the other end of the line told Luke that his nephew had hung up. Smiling contentedly he did the same.
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
When he re-entered the diner, Kirk was still sitting in the same position in which he had left him earlier. Hearing footsteps the other man lifted his head with a big smile on his face. Luke knew this facial expression all too well and he also knew that there was no way he could escape Kirk if he had taken something into his head. Wanting to get it over with as soon as possible, he asked irritated:
"What do you want Kirk?"
"I want to be your wedding planner." it suddenly bubbled out of Kirk. "Every couple needs one these days. I've heard about it on TV." Getting a dreamy look on his face he continued. "I have the picture directly in front of my eyes: Lorelai in her white wedding dress, me putting the finishing touches on her train…"
"No way!" Luke cut him off regretting already to have asked at all.
Kirk seemed a little huffy. "Why not?"
"There are a million reasons but here is the most obvious: I don't want it!"
"Then I want to be your wedding-singer." Kirk said switching to plan B.
"No!"
"Photographer?"
"No!"
"Catering Manager?"
"No!"
"Stripper?"
"God, no!" Luke snorted disgusted.
"Then let me at least give the speech."
"No!"
"You'd say no to everything that I suggest! Right?" Kirk stated factually.
"Yup!"
"But Lorelai said that she owes me a favor and that I could choose anything I'd like. And I demand to be allowed to do something at your wedding."
Cursing Lorelai, Luke pondered the different possibilities finally settling for the one that seemed the most innocuous.
"Okay, fine. Give the speech for all I care. But now get lost!"
Kirk didn't need to be told that twice. He grabbed his jacket and headed for the door taking his cell out of his pocket and dialing a number.
"Lulu? You won't believe what just happened…" was all Luke heard before the door shut behind his back.
Scratching the back of his head, Luke tried to banish the thought of having just made a bad mistake.
