Here is chapter four :) Sorry it's been more than a week since I last updated. I just couldn't find the time to write the chapter. Leave me some comments (:
It happened. Finally, the past became acquainted with the present. The long and awaited kiss happened at last. That kiss defined nothing. But yet it defined everything. Nothing and everything. It was nothing, because it was only the beginning. It was everything, because it was so. It was everything that embodied life.
My fear surpassed my joy. My sadness exceeded my excitement. My regret went beyond my hopefulness.
Those were the elements that surrounded my life. They were the elements of myself. They were the elements which filled my heart. I felt complete, but yet at the same time I felt incomplete.
I was the master of my mind. I was the master of my own destiny. If that was so, then why couldn't I control it? My feelings were irrational. They weren't fair. They weren't fair to Clare, they weren't fair to me. They weren't fair.
Seeing Clare again made me feel as though I was slowly falling through the cracks again. Clare Edwards. She was the angel and she was the devil. She was the light of my life, but also the dark. She was pushing me there, but at the same time she was what kept me from falling.
How was it humanly possible to fear love? I knew that I was still in love with her, but yet at the same time, I was scared out of my mind. I wanted to be with her, but at the same time I knew that it was wrong.
Maybe I was wrong for having these thoughts. But maybe not. As I said before, everything in life had a purpose. So clearly there was purpose for Clare and me. When apart, we were just two people. But when together, I felt invincible. Invincible and fear.
I was fighting with myself. I was the enemy but I was also the ally. I couldn't win nor was it possible to lose. Once again, it just was.
I was in a rut. For the past two days, I was in a rut. A rut of my mind, of the past, of my insecurities, and of my desires. I needed to get myself out.
I needed to talk to someone.
Before I knew it, I heard his voice. "Hello, anyone there?"
I stuttered, "Umm hey Adam it's…" I was cut off.
"I know it's you Eli. I have Caller-Id you know."
"Hey man, how's it been?" Anyone could hear the discomfort in my pitch.
"A hell of a long time, that's what it's been." I could sense the uneasiness in his tone. "So I assumed you called me to tell me that the love of your life is back, and that you two are madly in love again?"
I didn't understand how Adam knew why I was calling, "Umm well not exactly." I paused. "How did you..."
"How did I know that Clare was back? Because she had the decency to call me and tell me she was back in Toronto. But no, I didn't receive a call from my other best friend to tell me personally. In fact I haven't received a call from him in about... what it is two years now?"
And there it was, only another one of the many moments of my past that I wished I could change. To be exact, it had been two and a half years since the last time I had spoken to Adam. That day was as clear as a sunny day.
I had officially been home for six months. The days were becoming easier to get through again. I began understanding what I did, and why I was there. I accepted what had happened, and I accepted that I needed to finally move on. I needed to swallow my pride, and forgive Clare. I needed to forgive myself most importantly.
I had made a decision. I was going to start new. I wanted to become a 'new' Eli. At the time, it seemed logical. It seemed logical to forget everyone in my past or at least attempt too.
I had forgotten about Clare; well I pretended too. And besides Adam, there wasn't anyone else in my life. That day when I came home, I had several calls from Adam along with several messages. They all said merely the same thing.
'Hey Eli, its Adam. I just wanted to know how you've been. It's been a few weeks since we've spoken. I haven't spoken to you in a couple of weeks. I am worrying. Should I be?'
I never called him back. It was my intent, to forget about Adam as well. As it was my intention, it was my succession. For a few weeks, he still called. But I never answered, and I never returned his calls. I felt a pit building within my stomach, but I thought that it was the right thing for me to do.
The third month since I had spoken to Adam passed, and our friendship merely vanished into thin air.
"Adam, I'm so sorry. You know that I was..."
"Eli, honestly I don't care that you were. What right does that give you to drop me? Don't you dare forget who helped bring you back. Don't you fucking dare forget who was there for you every single fucking day."
I stood there in shock. I totally agreed with everything that Adam said. I never knew that Adam would say something like that to me. I suppose that it was understandable in that situation. "Adam. All I can say is I am sorry. I don't have any other words to offer. I am sorry, I repent. I repent, I am sorry."
"Eli, you know that you've got to do better than that." This was hard, Adam and I had barely ever gotten into an argument. Maybe a few over the years, but nothing that was too difficult to fix. Normally it was just a simple apology, or a night out.
"Do you Adam Torres; take me Eli Goldsworthy back into your life. To love for the rest of your life, till death do us part? He will forever be sorry, and quite frankly he god damn misses his best friend." If I had more time to think, I probably could have thought of something a little less cheesy, and a bit more apologetic.
"You know I am a sucker for your pathetic apologies. Maybe that's why Clare never came back."
"Shut the hell up man, don't go there." I knew that Adam was just teasing. Adam knew it wasn't my fault. By saying that, I did not mean to say that it was Clare's either. It was both of our faults; or maybe neither. Who knows, we were young, and in love, and in all honesty, we were scared to death. But I speak for myself when I say that I reacted the wrong way.
"I'm sorry Eli. But seriously man, what's up? Actually, on second thought hold your tongue. I'll come over. I'll be there in five minutes; tops." By five minutes, Adam would be here in five minutes.
At that moment, I felt relief. I was one of the luckiest human beings. My best friend, whom I had not spoken to for two and a half years, just forgave me for being a dick. The love of my life had returned into my presence.
I heard a knock on my door, and as I was opening it I yelled, "Can I let go of my tongue?"
Adam nudged me, and gave me a giant hug. "Well I assume Clare has already told you everything?"
"Oh yeah. I know all about it. I know all about her heart stopping, I know all about the clothes you both wore, I know all about your dance, I know that it was to the same song that you guys danced to on your first official date, and I even know about that kiss that followed..."
"Alright well, that was my day in a nutshell. Glad we are on the same page."
There was an awkward silence after that. I guess we both needed time to process what was going on. All I could think about was how much I wished that I could change the past. How much I wished that I could go back to that day, and call Adam back. How much I wished I could go back, and tell Clare that I would be there for her no matter what, because she was my one true love.
Adam looked up at me, with full intention to tell me something. "Eli, are you forgetting one minor detail about your life?"
I looked at him blankly; I honestly did not understand what he was trying to get at. Adam and I used to be able to merely look at each other, and immediately know what the other was thinking. Either I had lost that ability, or I honestly had no clue to what he was talking about.
"Eli, do I have to blatantly say it? Must I spell it out for you?"
He gave me a moment, but I still stared at him without a thought in my mind.
He shook me, "Sarah dude, SARAH."
"Oh crap." I slowly turned around, and dropped my body on my couch. I quenched my wrists together as I used them as a head rest.
"Did you really forget? Did you just happen to get amnesia? Eli, I know that Clare broke your heart; I know that she put you through hell. But please don't forget who picked you up again. I might have rescued you and brought you to safety, but Sarah did the rest.
Adam was right. As always, he was utterly correct. Sarah did save me. While Adam found me that one night, Sarah was the one who made me feel again. Though I never felt the same as I did when I was with Clare, Sarah was the first person who made me remotely feel anything again.
"What exactly are you going to do? It's not fair to Sarah."
I slowly picked my head up, "I hadn't exactly thought that one through genius."
"You're damn lucky she went home this weekend Eli. You're damn lucky."
How could I ignore my feelings? Wasn't it only two days ago that I realized that I was still in love with Clare Edwards? It was only two days since she had returned. And within those few minutes, I surrendered.
"Did Clare happen to mention anything about how she walked out on me?"
"She did. I told her karma's a bitch. Look man, I don't know what to tell you. Clearly neither of you have ever let go of one another. Sarah doesn't come back for another few days. Why don't you use those few days to your advantage. Don't do anything stupid, or anything that would make them both hate you. But you and Clare need to talk."
Why was it that Adam always knew what to say? Even when there wasn't an answer. He still managed to find the right one.
I took the hint, and I picked up the phone. Clare's number was still on speed dial. However, I didn't realize that until after I subconsciously pressed the number two. The phone began to ring, after the third ring, I heard a breath.
"Eli?" The voice of an angel answered.
"Clare, we need to talk."
"Alright, shoot." She quickly answered.
"No, not now, and not on the phone. We need to talk, and I mean really talk." I was nearly out of breath.
"Okay Eli, when?"
"Tonight, I will pick you up at 7. Is that okay?" Is that okay my dear love?
"I suppose I can pencil you into my busy schedule. Is there a specific dress code? Where will we go?"
"Oh Ms. Edwards. If I told you, that would ruin all of the fun now wouldn't it?" I couldn't help but chuckle a little bit. I was a true romantic when it came to Clare.
"Calm down Mr. Goldsworthy. I would never want to ruin one of your dreamy surprises. Can you at least tell me, so I don't feel out of place when I come in my pajamas?" She giggled; I knew she was just messing with me.
"Why don't you wear one of those sexy dresses you have with my name on it?" I paused.
"And to top it off, I'll wear a silver pair of strappy heels, the brand name is Goldsworthy."
"Sounds perfect Edwards. I shall see you in a few hours."
"So long Goldsworthy, until we see one another again." I hung up. I couldn't help myself, but talk this way when it involved Clare. She brought out my romantic side. As I put the phone down, and turned around, there was Adam staring at me with his jaw nearly all the way open.
"I seriously cannot believe you still talk that way. I thought that after Clare ran away you stopped. Wow Eli, just wow."
"I can't help it Adam, I really can't. It's just something about Clare…" Adam didn't want to hear anymore.
I didn't really know how I felt. For one, I was united with my best friend, and my soul mate. But then, there was Sarah. I couldn't treat her that way, and I couldn't just forget about her.
