Disclaimer: I don't own Drake and Josh.
Chapter Four
It was four am and even though he knew he had another couple hours before he was supposed to get up for school, Josh found he couldn't sleep. He had to know the reason. He guessed he could skip to the back but then Drake was honest about everything for the first time that he knew him and he knew it would be a waste not to read the whole thing. This was what was left of the brother he once thought he knew.
He sat up and went over to grab the book, turning on the nearest lamp and sitting on the couch. He only opened the book after much deliberating and delved into the next page. The very reason Drake would explain why he had come to do what he did.
I'm sure you're saying that a girl can't be the very reason I did what I would later come to do. I know. It was a start though. Hannah Snow was a special girl and she wasn't bad nor was she really dumb either. She was a senior in high school and she was talking about transferring to Belleview High as well. It helped me who really thought it would be a mild annoyance borrowing the car when you were at work to go to the other side of town. We would never see each other much.
But then that too became the least of our worries.
One evening in early July I was convinced to go to her house. It was a night that her parents were out of town. She greeted me at her door that night with a simple pink skirt that went mid thigh and a flowery shirt. What got to me though was that she was bare foot. She ushered me in and even though I knew I shouldn't of stayed since you were going to be calling ignored the voice of reason and did so anyways.
Voice of reason? Yes I could say that now after what happened next. You could say all that you want Josh but I did have a voice in my head telling me when I knew there was something I shouldn't do. I haven't heard it so much since my dad left mom and even then I pushed it back.
So anyways, Hannah invited me into her house and we talked. Funny you probably don't even think there would be much for us to talk about. There was though. It started with her letting me sit on her sofa.
"I got some nice lemonade if you want some." She told me as though she thought it would make things less awkward.
"It's okay so what does your mom do?" I asked trying to at least get a conversation started.
"She is a stock broker. In fact she met my step dad doing that and it may be really boring but she had to break up a fight between him and her manager. They fell in love sometime later."
I nodded but I still couldn't get over how pretty she was. And nice. I couldn't think of anything that I could be doing though now I know I should have just told her that I had you to pick up soon. That awkward silence continued because we just met and I was tongue tied. I never met a girl I really liked and then bam! I like her at first sight. I met her and I'm glad I did. Even now.
"You want to see my room?" She asked after a minute of silence.
Josh paused in reading to go over what he knew was going to happen in that room if Drake did. True it seemed like a million years ago but I wished that he would have talked to me before he went to that girl's house, Josh thought. Would things have been different? No but at least I would know things like I did before this whole year came about. What was he thinking though? If Josh wanted to be truthful he knew Drake wasn't thinking. At all and that laid the problem.
"Sure." I said after a minute.
I did walk up with her and I spent some time observing her room as I sat on her bed. She was sitting on her computer chair and it became quiet again. Her room was bare white with posters of all kinds of rock bands put together through time. Her carpet was a pale yellow and her bed was nice and pink. She used all happy colors and she even had trophies she had previously won up on the shelf opposite of the direction of her book case. I can't lie that I was awed by her room. She kept it neat and clean but she also did enough to show she lived in it as well.
I won't lie Josh. After a few minutes she turned to me and we began to make out. She initiated it first and I will spare all the details but I'm sure you could guess what happened that very moment. She even asked if she thought she was going too far with this and I shook my head as I continued to kiss her. I wish I could tell you it was a smart move and that I did what I wanted but kept cautious but I did neither. It was also my first time and I never thought it would come with the unintended consequences.
I still loved her though. As I just now realize I always had and always will.
Josh sat back and wondered himself where this Hannah was when Drake thought it would be good to take his own life. Did she even wonder where he was or even care? He couldn't for the life of him know and all he had was a name and something that could never be taken back. If he gave her name to Megan he was sure she could find her but he couldn't say why so he didn't know why he would bother for now anyways. Maybe when enough time went by, he thought.
Enough time wouldn't change what had happened though.
He read on even with how irritated he was.
When I came to pick you up from work later you were so upset. You acted like I just randomly forgot when in truth I remembered and came all the way from the other side of town. I said neither though as you took your place in the passenger seat. I sometimes look back and wonder if you would have taken to me differently if I hadn't been so accustomed to lying. I lied to get out of being grounded and I lied to mostly myself. But you had a good heart. You changed me from the person I was all those years back and who would have thought that when I first met you I wanted to become better? The irony kills me every time.
No not the irony, Josh thought. It was something else and you are trying to tell me in this little black book you left behind instead of a suicide note everyone else would leave their loved ones. At least mom and dad wouldn't blame themselves and Megan wouldn't cry, Josh thought tartly.
I had my music on and you seemed annoyed, more so than you have been all year and boy were you annoyed. When mom and dad had found out about the jail fiasco that winter we were grounded for three whole months! I never got the silent treatment as bad as that time around and one thing I remembered you complaining about the whole time was that you didn't deserve it and that you had a right to see Mindy.
Well Josh you were right. You deserve a better brother and I'm sure you are reading this now and thinking no not like this. I know you don't know nearly enough Josh but you will. You still won't realize how much I don't deserve you.
Josh set down the book and quickly took a deep breath. No, Drake, he thought. I may have been mad but everything you got me into was one more time I was able to see that I changed too. Because of you I was able to stand up for myself, become a person that people were glad to see, and it was even you that helped my self-image. No Drake. If anything, I don't deserve you. But you won't ever know. After hesitating another second, Josh picked the book up again.
"Drake I need to talk to you." You turned the music down to a whisper and I knew you were trying to make a point.
"Sure Josh but if it's about being late, I really didn't mean it-"
You cut me off like you normally did when it wasn't about that and you want to talk so I shut up and let you have that.
"We're gonna be going to senior year this year and you should actually be doing some school work."
I nodded even though you probably thought I would ignore that. As much as I hated to admit it though you were right. I wanted to pass high school and get the record deal of the century and neither seemed so far away right now.
"Okay."
"Okay?" you repeated. I know you were disbelieving of the statement so I just nodded.
You didn't want to believe me and I knew that if you didn't think I was serious I would just have to make you believe it. I believe in you and with some determination I knew you would believe me. Why didn't I just go with that exact plan you ask? More important things came along. Selling records became a dream and this unexpected thing came along. It was more realistic.
Josh happened to look at the clock and saw that it was about time he was getting ready for school. He closed it but not before book marking it so he wouldn't lose the page. He just couldn't help but think that Drake Parker, his brother and the best singer he knew would honestly have thought at that time that singing and making records wasn't important. It was. And Drake should have pursued it. But unfortunately Josh also knew what happened before this tragedy occurred. And he found himself wishing to take back the last few months.
It wouldn't happen though. It couldn't happen.
That was just the reality of things.
And he couldn't escape it.
