A/N: I hope this chapter isn't taken too OOC. Just remember they've been through a lot thus far, and still have pretty far to go. :)
Her heart wants to thump out of her chest as she staggers through her apartment door, slamming it shut as she throws herself back, the only thing holding her up being the doorknob. Even now, her forearm is quaking with the intense grip she has on the cold steel, feeling it want slip off from the sweat.
Her mind is racing, her heart is racing, her blood is racing, her muscles are racing. Everything is racing right now.
And she can't even begin handle it.
She reaches up and fists the fabric of the blue sweater she has on, wrenching it down as she struggles to breathe, her eyes going around her apartment frantically. It looks unrecognizable to her. She catches her footing again when she tries to stand and pushes herself up, reaching up and pressing her palms hard into her face, sliding them up until their squeezing her skull. Why won't this just stop? It needs to stop. She needs it to stop. Why can't she just get her mind straight?
She lets out a painful groan as she closes her eyes tightly, holding her breath to at least try and get one thing in her life under her own control. She pops her eyes open again and thinks. Alcohol. Her mind is the problem, and she needs to get it to stop. Alcohol will help. Yes, that's it. Draining them of the prickly air in her tightened lungs, her muscles feeling like they want to go somewhere, but her mind unable to communicate where, she staggers once as she pushes off her door.
She quickly lurks into her kitchen, her hands grabbing onto different surfaces on her way, she quickly goes to one of the top cupboards. A fear sparks in her brain, what if it's not there? What if she used it all? She hasn't looked in this cupboard in months. She needs that bottle, what if it's not here? What then? She panics and throws open the cupboard, the wood hitting against the wall as her eyes quickly find the bottle she's looking for.
A flood of relief washes over her when she sees it. At least one thing is where it's supposed to be. Everything is where it's supposed to be, right? Yes, that's it. Everything is just normal… until she goes to find a glass. Throwing open the cupboard next to the one she was just at, the cupboard doesn't have any glasses. No… no, where are they?
No, this can't be happening? Someone must have been in here. It was just here last night, she knows it was here, she can see it in her head, it was right here! Why isn't it here? Someone must have moved it, and if someone moved it, they could have moved anything. Her murder board, they could have-
She gasps loudly as her hand hits against the glass on the counter. She quickly reaches over and grabs onto it before it rolls over, relief flooding her again. She remembers now. She left it out the night before after not bothering with dishes. Everything is fine, it's all fine.
Squeezing the neck of the bottle and the glass, she lifts up the bottle, the weight of the bottle not wanting to lift off the counter, her muscles feeling weak as she sloshes the scotch in the glass, the liquid spilling out clumsily. She fills the glass only until she can't hold the bottle's heavy weight anymore in her weak forearm and sets it down with a thud, not hesitating to down the alcohol, throwing her head back at the burn and aroma wash into her senses.
Once it's down, her breath catches itself as she lets out an airy groan, setting down the glass with a hard clank.
Her heart is still pulling itself out of her chest, slamming in a different spot each time. Her throat closes as her mind throws her back without her permission. His words, pushing her off a cliff that she didn't even know was there, and the edge is crumbling underneath her fingers by the second. Why is everything falling apart? Why is everything normal in her life turning against her? Why can't she just… count on anything?
Now even her partner isn't just her partner anymore. He can't be just her partner anymore after saying that. They can't just go back, not now. She can see the tears, but can't feel them as they rise in her eyes. And as she pushes her hair back, balling up her fists against her scalp, still feeling the dryness and frailness of her hair, she turns and leans against the counter.
Why is this happening? Why now? Why can't anyone just be normal and act the way they're supposed to? Why is it that her whole world seems to be taking a hammer to itself? Like it's not being broken by someone evil outside force, like it's being shattered by itself. Why do the things that she used to count on to be there aren't there anymore? Why can't everything just be… just be?
Her legs give into her weight and her body, the need to shrink, and she slides down to the floor, her breath heaving out more and more emotion until it becomes audible throughout her noisy apartment.
And even in the stark quiet, it's still all too loud.
Her mind is walled off, focused, and chiseled as she steps off the elevator a half an hour earlier than she's due.
Ryan and Esposito both said they wanted to be in early for the new captain's arrival, and she is lead detective. She doesn't really care about making a good first impression. Right now, she just wants to get back to work. Focus her mind on something tangible. Her job feels like the one thing that's not flying apart. She has a few more calls to make about seeing if the CSU can pick through any of the pieces of that car to search for stamped numbers. Maybe that could give them a VIN number.
Her eyes quickly scan the bullpen of the precinct, and she sees that more people apparently thought of the same thing as they three did. Almost everyone is here. So she just decides to dive into it, wanting desperately to get started on something that requires her brain, wanting and needing to just focus on something… anything real.
She walls it all off again as she quickly goes up to her desk, seeing Esposito and Ryan coming down the hall. "Morning, Beckett."
"Morning, Beckett." Ryan says in a friendly tone after Esposito.
"Hey guys, uh… the new captain in yet?" She asks, looking down to her desk, setting her phone down next to her keyboard.
She can hear Ryan let out a nervous breath as he takes a step to lean against her desk with his arms crossed, nodding toward the captain's office. "Yeah, she was here when we got in." He says in a small voice. "Captain Victoria Gates."
Espo steps up adjacent to Ryan, facing Beckett with his usual knitted brow. "AKA… Iron Gates. Rumor has it that she's as by the book as you can get."
A small fear comes into her throat at that. She knows that she's been bending some of the rules lately on Castle's case… like investigating it in the first place. All she can do is just try to explain it without actually having to explain anything. They made a pact. No one is to know about Roy Montgomery's past. "Listen." She says, pulling the two in with her lowered voice. She looks between the two, looks over their shoulders to see a glimpse of their new captain, then back between Ryan and Esposito. "No one… tells her about Montgomery… you understand?"
"We made a promise, Beckett." Ryan says, looking slightly angrily over to her with narrowed eyes. "Count on us for once, will you?"
And with his reaction, she feels a twinging pull of guilt in her system. She nods, at least knowing that she can count of that part to remain the same… hidden. For once, she feels reassured by her team. "She wanted to see us once you got here."
She pushes out a hard breath and nods her head, trying to steel her resolve. She steps around the two, hearing them in tow, and goes to the captain's door. A quick pang hits her heart as remembers the last time she was in here, demanding that her own partner be gone from her life. Get what you wish for, she thinks bitterly as she opens the door.
The new captain quickly turns behind her desk, a set of papers in her hands, looking to them over her glasses. Beckett is the first to speak up, "You wanted to see us, ma'am?"
Captain Gates lets out a breath and continues to look over her paper work. "If my mother shows up, you can call her 'ma'am'. Until then, you can call me 'sir', or 'captain'." She quickly makes her way around her desk, and Beckett can already tell what kind of relationship she's going to have with this woman. She's already annoyed. "But yes, Detective Beckett, I did."
Beckett nods, pushing her emotions down to her stomach and moves her hands behind her back as their captain stands in front of them.
"I've already met Detective's Esposito and Ryan, but I wanted to meet you before I tell you how things are going to be."
She feels a hardness in her chest, getting angry very quickly at this woman coming in and throwing things about that don't need to be thrown about. They were working just fine. But she just continues to nod along, "Okay."
"Well, first things first, I'm well aware that you three have been investigating the attempt made on your life, Detective Beckett." Why did she phrase it like that? It's Castle's shooting. "And effective immediately, I'm reassigning you."
"Wait." Ryan says, shaking his head and lifting his hand to motion her to stop. "You're dropping the case?"
"You can't do that." Beckett demands.
"You have been getting nowhere for three weeks, you three have other responsibilities in this precinct, and you," Gates shoots, pointing a demeaning finger toward the center detective, "shouldn't even be on this investigation."
"Sir, one of our own was shot, we're not gonna just let that go." Espo says next to Beckett.
"And that," Gates says, going back behind her desk, "is the second thing. Roy Montgomery may have let Mr. Castle pretend he's a cop, but on my watch, Richard Castle is not with the Twelfth Precinct in any official capacity and is not to be allowed anywhere near any of our investigations, active or otherwise."
"Sir, Castle's my partner. You can't kick him out like that." Beckett says, taking a step forward.
"Was I not clear, Detective?" Gates asks, leering toward her with her knuckles pressing against the desk.
"Sir, Castle took a bullet for me. I'm not letting you just kick him out like that." Beckett fires back.
Esposito and Ryan both are holding their breaths at this point. Watching the two woman start to duel back and forth, something's coming to a head. Neither one of them are backing down. Ryan quickly shoots a look toward Javier, who just sternly shakes his head. "This precinct is under my control now, Detective. And my precinct has no room whatsoever for a dilettante writer playing cop."
"Sir, Castle's just as much a part of this team as any one of us." Espo speaks up, needing to put up a fight for one of his friends.
"We've been chasing this down for weeks and we're close to something. I owe it to him to find out who did this." Beckett continues to argue.
But Gates still isn't having any of it. "That bullet that Mr. Castle took was meant for you, which as far as I'm concerned, Detective, makes you a victim in this. Now I applaud Mr. Castle's bravery, but that doesn't change the fact that you were that bullet's intended victim. So I don't want you anywhere near it. Understood?"
"Sir, you can not just pull this out from under me. This is my case, no one else has the track record good enough to finish it. My partner is in a hospital bed because of this. I'm not letting that go away."
"Your job here is not to use this precinct resources to chase down your own personal vendetta, Detective Beckett. Your job is to solve murders. You three have been letting your own personal feelings get in the way of preforming your duties, you especially, Beckett, and that ends now."
Esposito and Ryan can both feel the sudden jolt in the air as it shifts. Like they can hear Beckett's last nerve snap.
"How dare you say that I'm not fit to run this investigation! My personal feelings about this case have nothing to do with my ability to do my job."
"You haven't been doing your job, Detective. You have been letting your work pile up while you run down a trail that's gone cold for weeks over someone who shouldn't have even been in this precinct to start with."
"Richard Castle is the best thing that's ever happened to this precinct!"
"Detective Beckett, I would rather not have to start our relationship off by putting you on suspension, but if you say one more word, that is exactly what's going to happen." Gates spits.
And with that, Beckett feels are very last nerve snap. This just isn't her job anymore. This woman thinks she can come in here and just change everything, accuse her of letting her own personal feelings get in the way of doing her job, well she can do it on her own then. "You know what? Then fine."
Esposito and Ryan both watch in disbelief as Beckett pulls off her badge and her gun, tossing them haphazardly on top of Gate's papers.
"I quit."
