Disclaimer: I'm crazy, not delusional. JKR owns them all but Mitrad, who is mine.
Warning: if you find homosexuality offensive, please don't read this story. It would save you the trouble of getting all red and angry.
AND this is AU. I know some of you don't believe in AU's. I respect that, but note that there is a good reason for it's AUness- Sirius not being sent to Azkaban is a positive thing, isn't that?
A/N: To the brave and the glorious survivors of THE EVIL CHAPTER, I present: chapter 4. Before you start reading it, you should all know I like cats very much. I have three of them at home, actually. So all words against cats are said with humor, and the species of cats is much respected.
Kathryn, dearest beta, this story is partly yours, and my gratitude is fully yours. Thank you!
This one's for Roykush. Not quite the song I've promised, but I'm working on it...
Reviewers, you are all so sweet and lovely. Thank you! Keep telling me what you think, please (:
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About a CAT
Sirius could smell it before he even opened the door. The disturbing, disgusting, disastrous smell of
"A CAT!"
He was yelling, of course. What else could he do when his beloved Remus was holding something that was clearly A CAT?
"Hello dear, I didn't hear you walk in." Remus was smiling at him. SMILING, while holding A CAT in his arms. It was more than wrong. It was wrongness itself.
"You are holding A CAT!" In times of crisis, Sirius would turn to the safe and comforting act of stating the obvious.
"I know. You might think 31 is an old age, Sirius, but I'm still quite capable of controlling my limbs, thank you very much." Remus wasn't smiling anymore. In fact, he seemed quite annoyed.
"WHY are you holding A CAT?" Sirius managed to ask, a bit shakily.
"I found her on my way home. I think she's an orphan, there was no mother-cat in sight," Remus said while petting the little cat gently and glancing at the overly furious-looking Sirius.
"AND YOU BROUGHT IT HOME!" Sirius was overly furious.
"Is that a problem?" It clearly was a problem.
"I HATE CATS!"
"Oh."
"NO 'OH', I WANT IT OUT!"
"She's quite harmless, Padfoot."
"OUT!"
"And quite skinny."
"NOW!"
"And will not survive the winter."
"CAT. OUT. NOW."
They stared at each other for a while.
"Why do you hate cats, anyway?" Remus asked carefully.
Sirius sighed. "Not this psycholalalysis thing again, Moony, please," he said, not yelling anymore.
"Psychoanalysis and it's a useful tool. I want to understand what lies behind your irrational hatred towards the entire species of cats." Remus used his best psychoanalyzing voice.
"It's not irrational. Cats are evil," was Sirius' grumpy way of co-operating.
"Hmmm, I see." Remus was mature enough not to laugh right then, but he couldn't help a smile.
"It's not funny!" Sirius sulked. "My mother had a cat and it would always follow me around the house and give me dirty looks."
"Hmmm." Not laughing became harder.
"And it tried to eat my pet mouse."
Laughter was inevitable at that point, and Remus laughed hard. "I'm sorry, Pads, but you clearly had a traumatic experience with a cat. What we have to do is fix it."
"By kicking this thing out?"
"No, by making you live with it."
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Harry usually received letters at breakfast. Remus, concerned and overprotective, sent one almost every day, and Sirius often added his less coherent remarks at the bottom (or in the middle, when Remus failed to control him). One rainy Thursday morning, however, Harry received two letters.
The first one was from Sirius, and read:
Harrypoo (Sirius had a sense for strange nicknames),
Moony has A CAT! A CAT I tell you!
Can you imagine something more horrific? Well, of course you can, you inherited Prongs' talent for vividly imagining horror occurrences (I still shiver every time I think about the Brain-Eating Muggles story you wrote for Moony's birthday). But that's hardly the point. The point is Moony has A CAT. A manipulative, sneaky, smelly CAT that made him lose his much-appreciated common sense. He actually LIKES the evil thing. He asked me to let it sleep in OUR BED! OUR BED, Harry. It must have some dark magic thing it uses on our Moony (the Cat, not the bed. I don't think beds can do magic. I did hear of a hexing dresser, though).
You must help me convince him to get rid of this thing. It's ruining my life! Yesterday Moony found a puddle of milk on the kitchen floor and blamed ME for it, when it was THE CAT taht did it. You should've seen the nasty look it gave me.
So you see, Moony's losing his mind and we have to stop it before
BLOODY HELL, THE THING IS URINATING ON MY BIKING JACKET!
Got to go now. Talk to you soon!
Your miserable and discriminated (at his own house!) Padfoot.
The second was from Remus and read:
Dearest pup,
How are you? How is school? Is Professor Snape still giving you a hard time? You should tell me if he does. I'll talk to Professor Dumbledore if necessary.
We have a new cat! I'm sure you'll like her. I found her on the street, a tiny little hungry thing she was, but she's much better now and would make a beautiful fluffy cat soon enough.
Padfoot is a bit sore with her. Well, actually a little more than a bit. Quite a lot really. He doesn't like cats that much, it appears. I'm trying to get them to live in peace (cats know when somebody doesn't like them), but it is harder than you might think. Yesterday Padfoot spilled some milk on the floor and blamed the cat. It didn't help that I reminded him cats can't open milk bottles and lift them. He gave the poor cat a murderous look and stormed out.
Hope you're happy and safe,
Moony.
Harry usually wrote one letter to both his dads, and he did the same that rainy Thursday. And so Remus and Padfoot received one letter which read:
Dear Dads,
Remember the time you argued about the colour of the living room curtains?
Moony said blue and Padfoot said red and the curtains ended up being colored in a sickening shade of purple.
I remember. And so I ask you both, for the love of Merlin, DON'T TURN THE CAT PURPLE.
Just figure it out and go back to writing me ONE letter a day so Ron will stop making fun of me!
Pads- Moony's not losing his mind, and I'm not getting in the middle of it, even if you tell me how to sneak into the Gryffindor girls' dormitories (not that I want to go in there, of course, it's just a valuable piece of knowledge to have).
Moony- Snape is as mean as his usual self, but please don't talk to Dumbledore about this. It'll get worse if you do. I'm happy and safe and everything's fine.
Yours truly (even when you drive me crazy),
Harry.
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Remus entered the silent house, taking a moment to enjoy its familiar scent. He had spent a week away from home, which gave him an opportunity to realize how much he loved this place, and the people in it. One person, at the moment, actually. A person who, for some reason, was unusually quiet.
"Sirius?" Remus stepped into the living room. There, on the couch, was one sleeping Sirius, with one sleeping cat on his stomach.
Remus took a step closer to the quite unreal image of a man and a cat. He sat quietly on the carpet and looked at them. Sirius, sensing his favourite werewolf even in his sleep, opened his eyes. "Moony," he said, pleased and sleepy. "We missed you." And he kissed Remus.
"We?" asked Remus, when his mouth was free again.
"Mitrad and me!" Sirius petted the cat's head. To Remus' surprised gasp he added "Well, I figured the cat would need a name if she was staying here, right?"
"She is?" Remus' lips started curling up a bit.
"Yeah, Mitrad here and I found out we had something in common and we are on more friendly terms now." Sirius' smile was wide.
"Oh, and what is it?" Remus asked.
"You, of course," Sirius said, and pulled him to the couch. "We both love you!"
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A/N 2: ten points and a cookie if you get the meaning of the cat's name!
