I am able to update today because I have had this chapter written for awhile. I have a lot going on personally right now - my grandma isn't well and I am in the process of moving. So it may be a little bit before I can update this again, as well as my other story "Close Your Eyes But Don't Sleep".
My evening at the bar with Casey gave me a much needed distraction from my current situation. We had a great time. The awkwardness from my "adorable" outburst was quickly forgotten and not dredged up again by either of us, thankfully.
I still don't know why I said that. Why was I even thinking it? Casey looked adorable in her jeans and sandals…but it's okay to say that about your friend, right?
And why do I find myself looking at her more than necessary in the office? Admiring the way her red hair falls over her shoulders and sneaking glances at her legs, which are too visible under the skirts she's been wearing lately? Come to think of it, has she always worn skirts so much? Does she know I'm looking at her? Is she teasing me?
Yesterday we both had a meeting at the court house and we walked back to our office. Halfway back, Casey had said in a joking manner, "You need to stop flirting with me. It's way too obvious."
I had blushed deeply and even though she had laughed at me and said she was only kidding, I couldn't bring myself to look at her for the rest of the day.
What is wrong with me? Olivia just left me. She broke my heart, tore it right out of my chest and stomped on it. I was devastated and in a deep state of depression after she left me. Olivia was my other half…and suddenly she was gone. I thought I would never get better.
But Casey makes me feel better. She never talks about Olivia unless I mention it first. She talks about everything else, and makes me laugh the way no has ever been able to make me laugh before. I've gotten to know her better these past few days than I have in the nearly one year we've worked together.
I never knew Casey had a motorized scooter, or loved her iPod so much. I never heard her use words like "badass" or "tunes" inside the office, or even when she went out with Olivia and I. I never knew she was so funny and outgoing.
I've found myself getting lunch with Casey nearly every day now. We've been eating in the office and just talking. Usually I'll work while eating in my office, but Casey's stories require your undivided attention. Today she had a meeting over lunch so I didn't get to eat with her…and I felt surprisingly lonely and sad. I found myself sitting at my desk, consumed with thoughts of Olivia again.
Maybe I have attachment issues. Maybe I attached myself too hard to Olivia and opened myself up for heartbreak. And maybe that's what I'm doing now with Casey; we just started spending time together and suddenly that's all I want to do now.
I find myself thinking of Olivia less and less at work and my mistakes and minor slip-ups have been almost non-existent. She's leaving my life completely, little by little.
But when I get home from work, it's another story. I have my empty apartment all to myself. The apartment I used to live in with Olivia. Her stuff is gone now, but her memory isn't. When I sit on the sofa I remember her next to me, holding my hand while watching a movie. When I shower I remember her with me, scrubbing my back and giggling. When I sleep I remember her warm secure arms around me, sheltering me from the world outside. And when I wake up alone every morning, I want to cry. All the feelings come rushing back and I'm depressed…until I get to the office and Casey makes me smile.
I'm having computer troubles again. This new laptop hates me - there is no other explanation. Either it hates me, or Windows 7 does. I haven't decided yet. But it's constantly closing open documents and freezing up on me. I'm a pretty smart woman and technically-savvy, and I have not been able to figure out this source of this problem in the two weeks I've had the laptop.
It does it again - closes my current document and I lose the affidavit I was currently typing. I slam down on the keyboard in frustration and let out a, "Come on! You piece of junk!"
This rouses a response out of Casey, who had been busily typing on her own laptop. She looks up at me. "What's the problem?"
I sigh. "This new piece of junk. I think there's something wrong with it."
She gets up and comes over to my desk, raising her eyebrows when she sees my computer. "Wow. A Sony Vaio. That's not a piece of junk."
I find myself frowning. "It keeps closing my documents on its own and randomly freezing up on me at the most inopportune times. This is my first experience with Windows 7 - maybe I set it up incorrectly."
Casey looks at the screen over my shoulder. "Mind if I try? I'm not that familiar with Windows 7...my laptop is a legitimate piece of junk and still runs Windows XP. But I'll see if I can figure it out anyway."
I assume she's not any more knowledgeable about computers than I am, but what harm could it do to have her try?
"Sure," I surrender; sliding my chair out of the way she can step in and took a look. "You can't hurt it any more than I have."
Casey smiles at me and leans down to look at the screen. As she does so, she brushes her shoulder to mine. I instantly inhale a deep breath and hold it - I got the strangest sensation from that minor, unintended touch. Almost like a spark.
I know there's a logical explanation. Casey probably picked up static electricity walking across the carpet to me and that's what I felt. This is the most likely cause.
That has to be it. What else could it be?
She clicks the touch mouse a few times and does something in the control panel. I can't follow what she's doing because she's doing it too quickly, so I don't try.
I look at her instead. She has star-shaped stud earrings in today. They're small and subtle with stones in the middle. So cute. As I look closer I notice she has a second hole in each ear. I never noticed that before. She never wears more than one earring in each ear at a time. But I guess she wouldn't at work, would she?
A few minutes later Casey looks away from the screen and smiles at me. "I think I fixed it for you. You had the touch mouse sensitivity set to one click. You were probably hitting it with your wrist and not noticing - I did that when I first got mine. You should be good now."
We look at each other for a moment, and the feeling that I got when her shoulder touched mine returns. I can't speak at first. I nod, and then when I'm finally able to speak, I can feel myself blushing. "Thanks."
She probably thinks I'm such an idiot. It's a wonder she wants anything to do with me at all. If I were her, I'd be creeped out by me.
Casey continues to look at me, then she gives me another small smile and clears her throat before standing back up. I notice her playing with her wristwatch nervously and I wonder if she felt the same thing I did.
But if she did, she gives no indication of it. She simply says she was glad she could help and goes back to her desk and sits down.
It takes me almost an hour to finish my affidavit. I have no further computer troubles but I'm still distracted.
And this time it's not by thoughts of Olivia.
This may be the most awkward and painful moment of my life.
I haven't set foot in the precinct since Olivia left. I made up every excuse to avoid it - sending Casey to cover me, or asking Amaro or one of the other detectives to come to my office to talk to me.
But it's inevitable I had to come back here sometime. It might as well be sooner than later; I may as well get it over with.
I hold my breath as I enter the squad room. I see Amaro seated at what used to be Elliot's desk, and Rollins sitting at what used to be Olivia's.
And that makes me stop dead in my tracks. I had grown accustomed to seeing Amado take over Elliot's space…but I was not prepared to see someone else sitting at Olivia's desk. The desk that had been hers for over a decade.
It's nearly enough to make me turn and walk right back out, but I've already been spotted. Fin says my name, and suddenly Rollins and Amaro are both looking at me. I stand cemented to the floor as if roots have suddenly popped up from the floor tiles and latched onto my feet.
"Long time no see, Counselor."
I force a smile. I know Fin's words are kind and friendly and not meant to resurrect any sad feelings in me, but my breath hitches in my chest anyway and it takes a long to maintain my smile.
He knows what's happened - they all do. Their looks are identical. The sympathy, the internal "Poor Alex" they are saying to themselves. I can almost hear them saying it in unison.
I know I have to pull myself out of this situation before it gets any worse. I have to end the small talk right now.
"Thank you, Fin. It's good to see you all again."
Wow, what a lie. I said it, and I hardly believe it myself. The words are hanging in the air with a flashing neon sign above them that says, "Lies! Lies!" And they all see it.
Rollins smiles at me sympathetically and exchanges a look with Amaro. All lot of words were exchanged in that look and I have a feeling I know what they are. Something along the lines of, "Alex is trying to be so brave. Poor Alex."
"What have you got for me?" I ask, keeping my attention on Fin. Out of everyone here right now he's the one I feel most comfortable with.
He hesitates a moment and then nods at me knowingly. He understands my situation, and the need for me to carry on as usual. I follow him to his desk, where he starts filling me in on his current sexual assault case. Amaro and Rollins wander over and interject here and there in the conversation.
And then it happens. Amaro says it.
"The victim is related to Lea Henderson, who was the victim in Olivia's last case."
Now I'm sure Amaro hadn't meant to just blurt it out. Or maybe he had, and figured that Olivia's name wasn't going to break me.
But it does. I stiffen as soon as her name is uttered, holding my breath to keep from crying. Amaro stops in mid-sentence when he notices my reaction and looks at Fin in concern.
Their six eyes are on me again - judging me and gawking at my exposed broken soul. They hadn't expected Teflon to nearly burst into tears by the mere mention of Olivia.
And I don't know why I feel this way. I haven't thought of Olivia in hours. The last time I talked about her with Casey I didn't almost break down like this. I can look at her picture and not feel this close to the edge.
It has to be the setting - being where she used to work. Standing where we used to stare at each much too long, and where we'd steal a kiss when no one was looking.
Whatever the reason, I'm filled with sorrow again. I force another smile at the squad and excuse myself, telling them I'm late for court. I'm sure they know the truth.
I'm ashamed of myself. Not being able to handle such a minor conflict is not like me. What have I become? I'm pathetic and broken.
It's not until I'm back in my office that I allow the tears to come. Here no one will see me. No one will judge me. No one will know that I'm human like them.
I put my head in my hands and just sob. Sob at the unfairness of it all, at the awful heartbreaking feeling inside me right now. I sob at the loneliness I feel.
And then suddenly, Casey is beside me. I hadn't heard her enter, but I clearly her voice. "Alex - what's wrong? Are you okay?"
Her being here is furthering my embarrassment. I manage to raise my head, wipe my eyes and look at her. I must look a sight - face red with tears running down my cheeks. Casey has never seen me like this before. Besides Olivia, no one has.
Casey looks so concerned. She puts her bag down and approaches me, keeping a safe distance to respect my personal space and privacy but also wanting to give me some comfort at the same time. "What's wrong? Did something happen?"
I want to scream at her to go away and leave me alone. She doesn't deserve to have to deal with this. It's not fair to her; this is not her problem.
But I don't tell her to go away. I'm broken inside and I yearn for someone to be there for me like Olivia used to be. And I can't believe I've changed that much. I used to shy away from affection from anyone other than Olivia, but right now I crave it. Right now I want Casey with me. I want her to make me feel better, like I know she can.
So I make myself tell her what happened. And when I get to the part where the mention of her name sent me into near-panic, I start to cry again.
This time Casey chances it and steps up right beside me. She puts her hand on my back, not even hesitating to touch me. I guess he assumes because I was able to tell her what happened I will be able to handle her touching me.
And she's right. Just the feel of her hand on my back makes me feel better. She's rubbing small circles soothingly and I try to forget about my sorrow and focus on the comfort that Casey is attempting to offer me.
"I'm so sorry, Alex. I know this is hard, and it sucks. I wish I could make it better for you. I really wish I could make you feel better."
You do make me feel better, Casey. You distract me and make me enjoy every moment I'm with you. I'm so grateful for you.
This is what I think; but what I actually say is very different. "It's okay, Casey. I'll get through it."
It takes me a few minutes to recover and when my crying spell has finished, I take off my glasses and get a cleaning cloth out of my drawer and wipe them clean before putting them back on. I'm still embarrassed but Casey is smiling at me, and that makes me feel better. She isn't judging me the way others would be.
"Sorry about that. Forget it happened, okay?" I plead with her.
"You are entitled to a meltdown just like everyone else, Alex. You aren't superhuman, even if you think you are."
I'm beginning to realize that.
I snap back into work mode and ask Casey to catch me up with what she's working on. We fall back into the pace of work as if I didn't just break down. It really is like it never happened.
"Why don't you come over to my place tonight?" Casey suggests suddenly. "I have something I think you will like. Something fun."
That sounds nice, but I'm not in the mood. It feels like a curl on the sofa and read evening is ahead for me. "That's sweet, Casey, but I don't think so."
"Why not?"
And I don't have an answer for her. I consider her question carefully. She makes me feel better, I enjoy her company, I need another distraction - so, like she said, why not?
So I set my face in a smile and tell her, "I'd love to."
I get to Casey's apartment building a little after seven PM. I flash my ADA badge at the doorman and tell her I'm Casey's colleague and he lets me right up.
The first thing I notice when Casey lets me in is that her apartment is nice and tidy. Not as spacious or modern as mine, but still nice nonetheless. I can tell she's single and lives alone; her place has the air of a one-person apartment. There are very few dishes drying by the sink and in place of a sofa she instead has a loveseat. No one in a relationship would have a loveseat instead of a sofa.
She's wearing her jeans with sandals again, and has her long hair pulled back into a ponytail. She's completely casual and I'm still wearing my work clothes.
Casey gets me a can of soda from her fridge and we sit down at her table. We chat about our day - conveniently leaving out the part about my breakdown. Casey has me laughing within minutes with another story from her law school days.
It's unusual for me to become close to someone so quickly. But I'm so comfortable with her, so at ease. It's amazing how in sync we are. Every minute we spend together I grow more and more comfortable with Casey.
I had been having the worst day. Until now.
"So what do you have that's 'fun'? Just this soda?" I ask.
Casey smiles slyly. "Of course not, my dear. It's something much more exciting than that. But you have to follow me. I can't bring it to you."
I get out of my chair and follow her to the living room. I'm actually scared; this is the girl who has a motorized scooter. It could be anything. With what I'm learning about Casey, I wouldn't be surprised if she shows me a pet snake or spider.
But instead she stops in front of her large widescreen TV and opens a compartment under the TV. She comes up with two white controllers - and I instantly know what they are.
I raise my eyebrows. "Really, Casey? Really? Video games?"
"This isn't a video game; it's the Wii. It's interactive and fun. Haven't you ever played?"
I shake my head. Video games…never. I'm way too mature for that. "Um, no. I never felt the urge."
"Well, you don't know what you're missing. I love it. I bought it for the Wii Fitness - it provides a really good workout. But I've grown to really like some of the other games too…like the bowling game. It's really addictive."
"I'm sure I could manage to not get addicted to it," I tell her seriously.
"Don't be so sure. I thought that too. But it's really fun. Honestly." Without another word Casey hands me one of the controllers. "Let's bowl. I'll show you how."
Alex Cabot play a video game? Unheard of. I almost hand the controller back to her, but then I remember what I'm trying to do. Start a new life, just like Olivia. Do new things. Playing the Wii qualifies as something new.
So I accept the controller and Casey starts the Wii up, inserting the game disk. She sits down right on the floor and looks at me. "Okay. So we have to create a Mii for you."
"A Mii? What the heck is that?"
"An avatar that looks like you. We have complete control over it so we can make it look exactly like you." I see a smile creep onto her face again. "Blonde, blue eyes, glasses…basically the nerd look."
If I were sitting next to her I'd smack her playfully right now. "I am so not a nerd."
"Well you've never played a video game. That's pretty nerdy to me." She pats the floor next to her. "Sit down. We'll make your Mii and then start playing."
I sit down next to her, our knees touching. The same feeling from earlier today returns but I refuse to dwell on it.
Casey opens the Mii making program and gets to work creating 'me'. By the time she's finished we're both laughing hysterically. It actually does look like me, but she exaggerated my glasses quite a bit and the Mii looks like a retired librarian.
She saves it, names it 'Alex' and then shows me what her Mii looks like.
I see it and immediately go at her. "Oh! So not fair! Yours looks exactly like you, and you had to butcher the glasses on mine?"
She just shrugs. "If you knew how to make one yourself then you could have done them right. My game, my character."
This woman is so unique. I never knew she was like this. She's nothing like she is at work. She's actually…fun. So laid back and relaxed. I was never like this. Even when I was home I was still working. Researching some legal venue I needed to take, or thinking about a case. I could never separate home and work. But Casey can. And that's amazing.
She starts the bowling game and explains to me about all the controls and rules. We stand up to take our positions and I'm already telling her how stupid this is, that it's not real bowling and the fact that we have to act like it is is just absurd.
"If anyone happens to look in your window and sees us, they'll think we're insane."
"Maybe. Or maybe they'll think we're having fun."
Casey goes first and I burst out laughing at her when I see her use her controller like it's an actual bowling ball. I watch her ball roll down the alley on the TV and knock down seven pins. She does it again and gets the rest. The sound effects and graphics are actually very cool. It really is like a real bowling atmosphere.
When I take my turn, I copy Casey's motions. I feel stupid at first, but it actually seems to help your throw by acting as if you're really bowling. But I'm not very good. I only get a total of six pins on my first frame.
We continue taking turns and by the fifth frame I'm still doing poorly but really enjoying myself. We're laughing constantly at how bad I am, and our giggles intensify when Casey gets a bag of Doritos from her kitchen and rips open the bag. The bottom rips as well and the Nacho chips go all over her beige carpet.
I can't believe I'm having so much fun. I never in my life imagined I'd be playing a video game and laughing at a huge mess.
But yet I am, and it feels so good.
What did you guys think? Do you like this one? Please review and let me know!
