Tegan

I hated the nights like this. The world in my eyes had faded to black and white, any sounds, movement, or life that threatened the realm of insanity in my head where banished from my senses. This was truly living in my head. My body forces it's self to spill the contents of my mind, pushing all the secrets it kept from it's self into the open. I look over at Lucas, his thin body moving in tune with each of his breaths. Why would he put himself through this? He's had years to get over these feelings, to end the misery I had caused him, yet, he persisted to keep it in him. Every day it seemed he pulled salt in an open wound. He needed better than this, he needed better than me.

This mess of emotions begins to build in me, at first I want to burn down everything in sight, I want to destroy everything I had built for myself. But in seconds, this anger and self hatred turns to tears, and I'm left gasping for air. I try to silence myself, burring my face deep in a pillow, but it seems my body wants to create a production of my insanity.

"Tegan," Lucas looks over at me through tired eyes, "are you okay?" I bury my face deeper into my pillow. I could still find faint traces of Christina's soft smell on it, this just hardens the blow.

"I'm fine, you should get back to sleep." He groans and props him self up on his elbows, his lips fall into a twisted glance of worriment.

"Hush, love. Don't cry, what's wrong?" My stomach starts to turn in horrid delight.

I couldn't understand why he was such an angel to me. I couldn't possibly be the insane one.

"I don't deserve you." He sighs, already having heard this argument too [i]many[/i] before.

"Why not?"

"Lucas, you're perfect. Everything you are, is anything, anyone could ask for. You are everything I need. You are everything I am, you always have been my best friend. But I can't do this, I just can't. I can't love you like I used to, I-I, my heart still belongs to someone else." He doesn't make a noise, not even a breath leaves his body. Time has given up on, leaving him a hollow shell. I put my head up, his eyes focused on the floor, tears softly falling from them every so often. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," He choked on his own lie, he fakes a half hearted smile. "I can understand, I'm not your boy.." My chest begins to burn in agony, and I want to selfishly build the wall I had broken between us back up.

"That's not what I meant, Lucas.." He shakes his head. He collects his now dry shirt from the window sail and moves closer to the door.

"This is my fault. I shouldn't have over stayed my welcome." I begin to cry harder now, this voice in my head telling me to make my Monday-Lover pity me, I jump out of bed.

"No, Lucas, wait!" I follow him as her walks through the house, collecting his random and various belongings around the house.

"Please, don't.." He scoffs and shoots me a look as if to tell me I'm insane- Like i hadn't already known, or something.

"How am I supposed to stay with out you knowing what you really want?." I open my mouth, but I choke on my words and tears. He shakes his head.

"Goodbye Tegan."

"No, no, this can't be happening again." That same awful feeling devours my body as it did more than two week ago. I grab his sleeve and hold on with a death grip, taking my position as Most Selfish Fucker of Earth.

His brown eyes are lined with tears, yet his looks was determined. They both had seemed so happy to leave. "You tell me to leave, yet you want me stay?" I hold on tighter to his sleeve. My face resting on his shoulder. "You, Tegan Quin, are truly fucked." This one stings a little.

"Don't go.." He lets out a sigh and stands motionless, for a moment I think he's going to stay- my hopes fly out the window when he yanks his arm from my grasp.

"I love you, Tegan." The front door opens and soon he is gone. I collapse in a heap on the front porch, the creeping feeling of utter loneliness crawls up my spine. The only sounds that fill the house of my sobs, I felt more pathetic than I looked. I needed someone to hold me, to tell me it was alright, I look over at a picture of two teenage girls on the wall, my lips letting her name slip past them.

"Sara..."

I crawl along the floor until I reach a side table that held the phone, I dial a familiar number and lean against the wall impatiently.

"Hallo?" a sleepy and confused voice asks.

"Sara?" I say, trying to hold back my tears.

"Tee-tee?" I'm silent for a few moments, trying to collect the thoughts cascading through my mind. Sara lets out an awkward sigh.

"How's it going?" She groans, I can hear her as she fusses with a blanket.

"It's good. What about you, why are you calling so late? Actually, what happened, why are you calling at all?" She asks, the slightest tone of resenment in her voice. How out of everyone, could I think of using her, after everything? I hated the walk contradiction I had become.

"I fucked up. I fucked everything up." I can hear her talking to Emy, she's silent for a few moments.

"Where's Lucas?"

"He's gone. I told him I didn't want to hurt him." She sighs, silence interrupts us for a moment of two.

"Look, Tegan, just stay put, I'll be over there in a few minutes." I smile in relief.

"Thanks Sara."

"Anytime." The dial tones greats me abruptly, and I wonder what mess I would pull Sara into this time. I crawl along the hardwood to my bed room, pulling a long shirt off the floor and over my head. The wood was cold against my bare legs, I took a moment to breathe the situation in. The sweet, and supple taste of irony danced along my lips, my mind rejoiced in the misery I had brought to myself. I'd always craved attention, be it positive or negative, the latter of the two being my guilty favorite, as any one outside looking in could see.

I feel a soft shaking throughout my body, Sara's soft voice coxing my from my sleep. "Tegan, Tegan? I'm here now, come on, wake up."

"Sara?" I jump from my perch on the couch and into her arms, the fruity smell of her hair fills my nose, I smile in a trivial item I had forgotten.

"Tegan, I, I missed you.."

"I know... I can't even begin to explain how sorry I am." She lets go of me, faking an apologetic smile.

"It's okay, really, it is. I'm just happy you called, what happened?" We sit on the couch.

"How can I let myself hurt him more? I had to say it, I had to, he has to finally see it." She taps her fingers on her kneecaps, letting an exasperated sigh slip between her lips. I loathed myself for putting her through this again.

"I'm assuming you stopped your pills?" I look away ashamed. I hated the medication, they made me feel numb- not in a calming sense. I couldn't handle taking them, being insane was far better than having shit for brains. She rubs her hand on my shoulder.

"What did he say?" I shake my head, trying to block out the stare of her distant eyes.

"'I'm hurting him, but why can't he understand, I'm doing this so I stop hurting him?" Sara smiles and a little and rests her head on her hand.

"Tegan, do you think anyone in their right mind would have put themselves through what he did for how many years if he didn't expect some good out of it? I'm sure somewhere inside his head he knows you'll never love him the same, but he refuses to believe it. You have this affect on people, it's impossible to explain." She looks out the window, I still can't bring myself to look at her.

"I'm an idiot.. I'm such a fucking idiot." Sara sighs and rubs my back again.

"Look, I'll go talk to him and see if he'll calm down a little. Okay?" I smile.

"Thank you."