Title: A Love of Convenience
Summary: Sometimes we can't have the things we want and we have to settle for the things that we need.
Disclaimer: I don't own most of the characters I write about. If you recognize a name, odds are it isn't mine. But seeing as this is a fanfic website, you probably knew that already.
Thanks again to Sunshiny-Kate, the best beta a writer could ask for! She also came up with the premise of this story.
Beckett shut her door and leaned against it. It took several slow, deep breaths to calm her down. What was she thinking? She was in a relationship. What if Castle had still been on that couch? She would most likely be cheating on Josh right now. And what scared her the most was that she didn't feel all that bad about it.
She'd never cheated on anyone before. Never wanted to. She still didn't want to. But after sitting there on that couch, so close to Castle, hearing the things he said with his voice so low and tender, her head and heart were more confused and at odds with each other than they'd ever been. She wanted Castle, but she already had Josh.
She had to get a handle on these feelings. Hide them away, somewhere deep, where she could pretend like they didn't exist. Because she knew that if she didn't ignore them, she'd give in to them. And she was stronger than her feelings. She was in control of them, they were not in control of her. They couldn't be. She would not allow them to be.
She took in a few more deep breaths, letting each one out silently and slowly. Then she pushed off the door and headed to the bathroom to get ready for bed. This case was far from over and she was tired.
Royce's two most poignant words bounced around in her head. 'If only.' Beckett looked over at her sleeping partner, then thought back a few nights to when she'd nearly given in. Royce had a point. She certainly didn't want to live a life full of regrets. Well, any more than she already had. But like she'd told herself over and over as she'd laid in bed that night, she was not available.
Maybe someday the fate that Castle seemed to believe so strongly in would bring them together. It wouldn't be today though. Or tomorrow. One thing was for sure. Josh or no Josh, Beckett would not allow herself to be with Castle as long as her mother's case remained unsolved. She couldn't give all of herself to anyone, not even Josh, until justice had been served. And she doesn't want to give anything less to Castle, if she ever has the chance to give him anything.
Two nights after she got back from L.A., Beckett was walking into her apartment with Josh in tow. They hadn't seen each other since her return and they'd just had dinner. Now they'd come to her place to satisfy their other appetite.
As soon as she shut the door she threw herself into his arms and kissed him wildly. He returned the kiss with an equal fervor and they started stumbling to her room without letting go. They were almost there when Beckett broke away.
"Josh, wait."
He only answer was to move his lips down her neck. He had no interest in talking.
"Josh, seriously, wait a minute."
"What is it?" He asked against her throbbing pulse point.
"I need to show you something."
"Can't it wait?" He murmured, still not fully invested in the conversation.
"No." She pushed him back and met his eyes with hers. "I need to show you now."
"Okay. What do you need to show me?"
She took him by the hand and walked slowly over to the window that hid her own private murder board. She'd decided to let Josh in on more of her life. He knew her mother had been murdered, and that she'd killed Coonan, but he deserved to know just how much this case meant to her. They reached the window and she dropped his hand so she could open the shutters.
"What is all this, Kate?" He asked quietly.
"Every bit of evidence I have in my mother's case."
"You have it hanging up on your wall?"
"Yes. It's how I solve cases. I need to see everything."
"I thought you said you killed the guy that killed her."
"I did. But I still don't know who hired him."
Josh went silent, obviously trying to process this new information.
"Why do you have it here though?" He asked a few moments later.
"I can't keep it at the precinct." She answered. "We have too many open cases, new cases. So we work on it here."
"We?"
"Castle and I."
"Castle knows about this?" His tone had a definite hint of hurt to it.
"Well, yeah. He's the one who re-opened her case in the first place."
"What?"
"I had all but given up hope of ever finding answers, Josh. Then Castle found some evidence that eventually connected Coonan to her murder."
"So all of this is his doing?" Josh pointed at the various pictures and notes.
"In a way, yes. I doubt I would have ever looked back in to her case were it not for him." She paused as she saw a angry, worried look flash through his eyes. "Josh, this is just a work thing. I promise. He's helping me solve the one case I can't solve on my own."
"Why are you telling me this, showing me this, now?"
"Because you're my boyfriend, and I don't want to keep you out of any part of my life. Not anymore. I want us to be open with each other and not keep any secrets."
Josh stared at the window for a while longer and then turned to her. He smiled and wrapped her in a bear hug.
"Thank you, Kate."
"You're welcome." She kissed his chest and smiled up at him. "And now, in the interest of total disclosure, I have some new bed-sheets I need to show you."
Josh laughed a deep, throaty laugh that vibrated through her due to their close proximity and she started laughing too. Then she wiggled out of his grasp and grabbed his hand again before taking off towards her bedroom.
Until now, Josh had just been doing his job. Saving a life. No big deal. But when the EMT removed the breathing bag from the victim's face, his world stopped. The female who'd been shot was the last person he'd expected to see on his table that day.
"Kate." He said quietly, then shook his head. "Uh, her breathing is shallow, let's get her on the table. One. Two. Three."
The staff of nurses and doctors lifted Beckett to the operating table.
"Page Dr. Kovaks, tell him he has to take over." Josh instructed.
"Who is she?" A male E.R. resident named Rohan Singh asked.
"She's my girlfriend." Josh answered matter of factly. "We need a chest tube."
The next several minutes go by in slow motion for Josh, even with the fast pace of the skilled team working with him. He feels as if he is working in molasses in the dead of winter, unable to move quickly enough to make Beckett better. All he wants is for her to stop bleeding, open her eyes, and smile up at him. At this point, he'd settle for an angry glare or a reprimand. He just wants some sign of life from the woman who's blood now stains his his shoes.
Suddenly the door burst open and Josh hears Singh bringing Dr. Kovaks up to speed. In the frenzy Josh hears himself arguing that he has this under control, but he is focused so much on trying to sew up the bleeding pulmonary vein that he doesn't really hear his own words.
"Josh, step aside." Kovaks demanded, his tone breaking Josh from his spell.
"I'm already in." Josh said. "Let me sew her up."
"You did what you had to. Now, do what you're supposed to." Kovaks insisted.
Josh hesitated and stared at Beckett' pale face, saw her still closed eyes, felt his stomach drop as he saw the intubation tube again. The plastic jutting from the lips he'd kissed so many times sickened him. It was further evidence that she wasn't able to survive on her own.
"Dr. Davidson." Singh interrupted Josh's thoughts softly, almost pleading with him to do the right thing.
Josh waited another moment before his training kicked back in. He turned and handed Kovaks the clamp. He took one last look at Beckett and then headed towards the door. He angrily ripped off his gloves, hat, mask, and gown as he walked, throwing them in the proper container before he opened the door and stormed out.
He had to find him. That arrogant, self-serving, investigation instigating writer. His girlfriend was fighting for her life on a cold, metal table, and it was all Richard Castle's fault. If he hadn't pushed her into reopening her mother's case, if he hadn't stuck his nose where it didn't belong, then Beckett wouldn't be bleeding out on the tramua room floor. Josh rounded a corner and finally found the man he was looking for. He continued down the corrider, headed straight for Castle, his anger growing with every step.
Beckett blinked her eyes open slowly. She still wasn't used to the harsh lights of the hospital, and she already couldn't wait to be released. She tried to move, but the slightest pull on her two scars made a jolt of pain burn through her.
"Hey."
She looked over at Josh and smiled weakly.
"Hey." She replied hoarsely.
"Want to sit up?" He asked.
"Please."
Josh nodded and stood up. He pressed the button on the side of her bed and the upper half slowly started to move, sitting Beckett up as it went.
"That's good." She told him when she was in the position she wanted.
He leaned forward and kissed her, his touch gentle because he knew her mouth was still sore. He broke away and pulled his chair closer to her bed before sitting back down. He reached for her hand and began smoothing his thumb in gentle circles over her skin.
"I can't believe you're still here." Beckett said.
"I left when you went to sleep." Josh explained. "I actually just came back about five minutes ago."
Beckett leaned her head back against her pillow to help fight off the exhaustion that was already creeping back in.
"Kate, tell me how you're feeling."
"Like I got shot." She quipped.
"No, really. Do you need more pain medicine? Are you hungry or thirsty?"
"I don't need anything right now. Thank you though, Josh." She paused with a thoughtful look on her face. "Although some real clothes would be nice. This gown is kinda itchy, and it's totally unflattering." She pointed to her plastic covered identification bracelet. "And this bracelet is so not in style."
She didn't know where the joking was coming from. Maybe almost dying made things funnier. But Josh seemed to pick up on some unspoken need to keep it going.
"No, this bracelet looks good on you." He told her. "It's not diamonds."
He paused to chuckle and Beckett huffed out a quiet laugh too. He didn't get to finish his joke though, because he looked up at Beckett and saw that she was looking away from him. Her face was lit up with the biggest, brightest smile she'd worn since she'd woken up. He followed her gaze and saw Castle standing just inside the doorway, much to his dismay.
"Hey, Castle." Beckett said, her smile growing as she spoke.
Castle didn't answer her. He just stood there, shifting awkwardly from one foot to the other.
"I'll see you after rounds." Josh told Beckett with a sigh.
"Yeah." She responded distractedly.
Josh stood up and kissed her on the temple. As he left her side he ran a finger over her hand to have one more touch of her warmth; to feel the proof of her life. As he approached the exit he went around Castle, not wanting to touch him. He still hadn't taken the blame from him, and he knew he never would.
Beckett hated how slow she had to walk, but her hatred of her pace didn't help her be able to go any faster.
"I'm coming!" She yelled out when the buzzer rang again. "Hold your horses, Dad." She mumbled to herself.
She finally reached the door after what felt like years and swung it open. She didn't try to hide the surprise that washed over her face.
"Josh, hey." She said. "I thought you were my dad. He's coming to help me pack."
"Oh, sorry." Josh replied.
"No, it's fine. Come in. He probably won't be here for a little while anyway." Josh nodded and stepped past her. She shut the door and turned to face him. "So, I'm sorry I haven't called for a couple of days." She sighed.
"That's okay." Josh said. "I haven't called either."
"Can we go sit down?" Beckett asked. "I can't really stand up for too long yet."
"Sure."
Josh turned and headed straight for her couch and she followed, albeit much slower. Once they were both seated, Josh cleared his throat.
"Kate, I came to say good-bye."
"Josh, my phone gets decent reception at the cabin. And you can come visit. Just give me a few days with just my dad. Then you can come up as much as you want."
"No, Kate. I mean, good-bye. As in, I won't be seeing you anymore."
"What?" She breathed out.
"We're over Kate. I'm sorry, but we are. I've been thinking about this a lot the last few days. That's why I haven't called."
"Why?" It was all she could ask.
"I hate to do this to you now, when you're still recovering, but it isn't fair to either of us to wait."
"Josh, I'm not a child. Quit stalling and just tell me why."
Josh let out a loud sigh and shot a glance towards the window that hid her murder board.
"Kate, when you were in the hospital, right after your surgery, you were still unconscious."
"Well, yeah, Josh. I'd just been shot and operated on."
"Are you going to let me talk?" He asked harshly.
"Sorry." She huffed. "Go on."
"Well, I sat there, by your bed, until you woke up. Normally it's only family that can do that, but they let me because I work there. I watched you sleeping, waiting for you to come back to me. And although you weren't awake, you were talking."
"Talking?" She interjected.
"Yeah. It was mostly gibberish and names. Lots of names. You called out for your mother and your dad. You said Lanie's name a couple of times, and mentioned Ryan, Esposito, and Montgomery several times too." He paused when he saw tears well up in her eyes, but after she blinked them away he continued. "You said all those names. But there was one name you said over and over, more times than all the others combined. His name." He watched her for a reaction, but to his surprise, there was none this time. "And you know whose name you didn't say once? Not a single time?" He waited for any kind of answer, but she didn't offer one. "Mine." His tone was suddenly sharper than before.
"Josh, I'd seen most of them at the funeral. I'm sure that's why. And you weren't there because you had to work. You can't seriously tell me you're breaking up with me because of my post-trauma unconscious ramblings."
"That's not all, Kate."
"Then what else is it?"
"I wish you could have seen the way you smiled when he came in the room." He paused and swallowed hard. "You've never once smiled at me like that."
"Josh, he's my partner and friend. That's all there is to it. I've told you that."
"Yeah, you have. But I don't believe it any more than you do."
"Josh-"
"No, let me finish." He interrupted. "Kate, you mean more to me than any other woman I've dated. Maybe I should have shown you my feelings better. But it doesn't matter. Because I could never let myself love a woman who is in love with another man. I won't let myself get hurt like that."
"I don't love him, Josh."
"I'm not going to touch that statement, Kate." He let out another sigh, this one more mournful. "Look, I'm not mad, and I don't want you to be either. You know we've been headed in this direction for awhile now."
It was Beckett's turn to sigh. She let out the air that felt stale in her lungs, not realizing until then that she'd been holding her breath.
"I know." She agreed.
They sat in silence for a few minutes, both knowing that this was the right thing for them, but neither overly happy about it. Josh was the first to speak again.
"I guess I better go. Like you said, your dad will be here soon, and I don't want to hold the two of you up."
"Yeah, okay." Beckett said as she stood up.
Josh followed suit and they walked slowly to the door. He got there first and opened it for himself. She caught up a few seconds later.
"Can I say one more thing, Kate?"
"Sure." She whispered.
"What you went through, most people wouldn't have survived. I mean, you were shot in the chest. And you died several times that day. But each time you fought your way back." He smiled weakly. "You were given a second chance at life, Kate. Don't waste it."
"Thank you, Josh. For everything. And I'm sorry. For everything."
"You're not the only one to blame for this, Kate. I should have fought harder for us."
"Let's just say it's no one's fault and let bygones be bygones."
"That'll work."
He stepped closer and pressed his lips lightly to her cheek, and then she did the same.
"Good-bye, Kate."
"Good-bye, Josh."
And with that he turned and went to the elevator. He pressed the button and when the doors opened he stepped on. He looked back at her and they waved at each other, just a quick flick of the hand, just one last farewell. Beckett waited until the doors slid shut before she went back into her apartment.
She knew that later that night, and for probably several nights after, there would be tears. But for now, she pushed the confusion and sadness away. She had a lot of healing to do, and even more thinking to process. First though, she had to get out of the city; she had to get away from all the things that befuddled her in the first place. So she sat on her couch to wait for the buzzer to announce her dad's arrival. Once he came and took her away, she could let herself tackle the mental and emotional hurdles that were stacked along with the physical ones. There was only one thing she was sure of. It was going to be a long summer.
A/N - Thank you for reading. This may not be the way most people imagine the breakup, but it's the way I see it in my head. Also. Thank you for the reviews and alerts. Your support means more to me than I could ever put into words. -Paige
