I slammed the door to my truck, locking the doors behind me. Almost involuntarily, I felt my body physically give out. As I stared out the window, my head on the wheel, it started to rain. I just stared, watching the drops fall against my window.
'Some symbolism' I said. Fuck. I hated crying. But this was inevitable, wasn't it? Wouldn't any person in my situation cry? It was only natural, I told myself. Justification, I suppose.
I was so mad. I was so frustrated. I punched the dash, making my hand go numb. Looking at Andy's place, knowing she was inside... inside with my son. Even thinking this made me go crazy. I had a kid. A son. And I would have never known. Dammit, how long was she planning on keeping this from me? His whole life? What, was she going to send me a letter on his eighteenth birthday?
I didn't even know his name. I was too angry to ask. I saw Tracy come outside, and quickly drove away. I could hear her yelling my name, but I refused to acknowledge. How could I. How could she do this? After all that happened with Jerry, I thought she knew I needed to know about something like this.
This wasn't even about Andy and me right now. Our relationship. This was about what had happened to my perfectly routine life. A time before all this, when I was just a cop in 15 Division. Yeah, so what if I sounded selfish. I had a right to feel hurt. I know I was never perfect. I know I hurt Andy. But I thought things would get better. I thought she'd come home from being undercover and run into my arms crying tears of joy, not pain.
There was only one place to solve my problems. The Penny.
It was dark inside, with little lighting which I appreciated. It was a slow Sunday night, and my usual seat was calling my name.
"Sammy, how goes it? How's Ollie?" Greg, the bartender, asked. I too a deep breath, trying to distract myself.
"He'll be alright, the doctors say." I told him. I noticed the pain in my hand, and saw it was bruised. Wow, had I really hit it that hard?
"Ouch. Let me get you some ice for that." Greg said. I thanked him, quickly drinking some alcohol. I instantly felt better after a few more.
I felt like I was in a dream. Well actually a nightmare. It's like everytime I thought I would find that 'light at the end of the tunnel' I found myself trapped again. It was like a black hole. I was never escaping.
The feeling was suffocating.
After about two hours, and six or so drinks, I had calmed down enough to think over what to do next. I knew if Andy walked in here right now I wouldn't be so level headed. But here, being alone, contemplating everything... here I could try and be reasonable.
One thing was for sure. I wanted to be part of that child's life. He was my son. And I wasn't angry about that. In fact, the more I mulled it over, the more I liked the sound of it. Son. Father. Dad. Pa. Pops.
But then my mind would flash to other things. Like how I wasn't there for his birth and how I didn't get to help Andy through her pregnancy. And then suddenly I felt guilty. Like I should have been there. That maybe, if I hadn't been a moron that day of Jerry's memorial here at the Penny, then maybe things would be different. If I hadn't pushed her away.
When had she known? She must have known then. That pained me; to know she had this great news and was so uncertain but couldn't rack up the courage to tell me... because of what a jerk I was.
"I need another drink." I slurred, signaling Greg. He nodded in acknowledgment, sliding one over.
"Greg. Do me a favor. Just tell me things are going to get better." I asked him. He looked at me and I could tell he felt sorry for me. There was nothing worse than being pitied.
"They will, Sammy. They will." He said, pouring one more shot. That was confirmation. He pitied me.
My next move was to just try and calmly talk to Andy, if she still wanted to see me. Sometimes I felt like a victim and sometimes I felt like a villain. It was horribly conflicting. I didn't think I deserved a whole lot of feeling sorry for. But in the heat of the moment at her house, I couldn't hide my pain. I couldn't hide it because I hadn't seen her in so long. I hadn't felt her touch. I hadn't seen her face. And then when I saw it, it was fragile and sad.
Maybe it was about us. Andy and me. Maybe that's all anything ever was. She was my everything. That's what made this so hard. Without her, things just weren't so bright. That was the thing. Through all this, one thing amazed me.
I still loved the crap out of that woman.
Just as I was about to leave, after I'd sobered up enough to get home, my peaceful thinking plan was shattered.
I'd thought things were supposed to look up. But then Callaghan showed up.
