Here it is! the next collection of psychotic and totally insane deaths conjured by my strange mind. As usual, this will be very violent and could possibly contain character deaths...
31 – No Diving
Edward goes bungee jumping and while things are being set up he brags about his fame with teenage girls, much to the annoyance of all those present.
After an exhaustingly long-winded rant, Edward finally runs out of things to say and he jumps.
The irate instructor takes out a hunting knife and cuts the rope and watches Edward plummet down into a large body of water where his body is ripped apart on impact. As the individual pieces float away crocodiles scavenge the remains.
32 – Learner Driver
Edward is coaxed into driving lessons after the thirteenth taxi driver quits his job shortly after being Edwards chauffeur. Edward is nervous, really nervous. In fact he is so nervous that...well...
The instructor ducks inside the car and sits down before briefly sniffing the air. "Does it smell like pee to you?"
Edward shakes his head as his face sparkles (He can't blush.)
"You nervous?" The driving instructor asks with a smirk.
Edward shakes his head frantically again. "No" He whines in a pitch so high it cracks the windscreen. They are forced to change cars and Edward feels even worse.
When they are finally ready, the instructor sighs and checks a sheet of paper on his lap. He then studies Edwards's posture and actions before he presses down on the accelerator. The instructor grins and writes a short comment on the paper.
"Good, good. Now let's just speed up a bit because it's a forty zone here and you're currently at twelve."
"No." Edward whines again. "This is fast enough!"
"No, this is too slow. Just press down on the accelerator!"
"Ok." Edward takes a deep inhale and presses his foot down, well he stomps on the accelerator. The car jumps in the air as it speeds over a gutter and continues to speed off along a footpath before heading for a corner. Edward spins the wheel excessively and the car spins out before rolling for about twenty metres, onto a free-way.
A multi-car pile up ensues and Edward cries in agony as his body is crushed by the weight of the car. His internal organs are squashed like bugs and sharp pieces of metal are jabbing into him. As if it weren't bad enough, the engine's oil is spilling onto his body which soon lights up and explodes along with the engine.
Edward's body is eventually scraped off of the road and placed in a plastic bin for a few days until being moved to landfill.
33 – Morning Sickness
Edward goes to an Asian restaurant and bravely orders the fugu (Puffer-fish for those not familiar...It's practically poisonous on about 80% of it's body so there is a high chance of being poisoned. Yeah, you see where this is going...)
Edward enjoys the meal and goes home, stuffed but satisfied.
When he wakes up the next morning he is relieved. "Ha! I knew some fish couldn't kill the mighty Edward Cull- 'Bluergh'!" Edward vomits all over the floor and suddenly his stomach feels like it is on fire. He throws up repeatedly, slowly dying in agonizing pain...Like he deserves!
34 – Eww!
On his way home from a trip to Africa, Edward contracts Necrotizing Fasciitis. Google image search it...Not pretty. And Wikipedia isn't much better.
35 – I Want My Mummy!
While he was in Africa, before #33 happened, Edward went to Egypt as it had been a lifelong dream to see the pyramids and such.
He was disappointed to find that the tour of the Great Pyramid was closed for the one day he was staying here, so like a disobedient four year old, he disregarded authority and went in.
With no tour group to follow, Edward took his time wandering around the exquisite burial chambers of the great Pharaohs. There was more gold than there is in a rap music video (I don't like rap music, but this seemed an appropriate comparison.) Edward stares at the exquisite gold chains and jewel encrusted ornaments and impulsively takes as much as his pockets can allow. But someone doesn't like that...
Edward assumes he has committed the perfect crime and slink out towards a secret exit near the large coffin in the burial chamber. He approaches the door but is stopped by a bony hand grasping his shoulder.
Edward turns slowly and stares at the hand which is wrapped in bandages. The flesh underneath is grey and rotting. Edward wants to scream, but it comes out at so high a pitch that even a dog wouldn't be able to hear it. The coffin lid slides open and the mummified king steps out. The bandages around his face fall down to reveal glowing red eyes and a decaying face.
Edward tries to run but the mummy strangles him until he is unconscious, then disembowels him. The mummy then adds the finishing touch by removing Edwards's tiny brain via a hook through his nose. Afterwards, the pieces are stored in little jars and remain beside the undead king for a few hundred years.
36 – You've Got Mail
Edward receives an email from Mr Pewterschmidt. (It's a Family Guy reference. You either get it or you don't.)
37 – You Snooze, You Lose
There is a travelling freak show in town, and as a pathetic sparkling vampire, of course Edward is offered a job. He agrees before the proposal is even asked and he begins his first day of being gawked at idiots who are just as strange as he is...Actually scrap that, no-one is weirder than him!
Anyway, when his lengthy shift is over and the novelty of a supposedly threatening bloodsucker that probably sucks something else instead wears off, he retires to one of the many tents to get a good nights sleep and rest his worthlessly sparkly skin.
He finds a bed with a mattress thicker than any normal one. He is so tired that he literally jumps onto the bed...Only to receive thousands of horrible pin-pricks from something.
Another freak wanders into the tent and growls. "Hey! You're in my bed!"
Edward lifts up the covers and realises it's a bed of nails. He then nods and tries to get up, but he is stuck. The masochist runs off to get help and returns with four people who all grab onto the weak vampire and pull as hard as they can.
Edward is successfully lifted off, but the flesh of his back remains behind on the bed.
The masochist gasps at the horrible wound and peels the skin off of his custom-made bed and then places it back on, only for it to flop off again. The freak curses and then takes out a hammer and nails. He nails the skin to Edward's back, oblivious to the vampire's physical frailty.
Edward's lungs are pierced by the nails and he dies of external and internal bleeding.
The freaks don't really care. Neither does the rest of the world...
38 – That's Just Sad...
Edward slips on a wet floor in a supermarket and cracks his skull. Even old ladies can survive that!
39 – That's Even Worse!!
Edward is reading one of the Twilight books and get's a paper-cut. His finger dribbles blood at an alarming rate and does not stop for about three days. After eighty five hours he bleeds to death.
40 – Postman In Pieces
Edward accidentally assaulted a fan girl and is found guilty. He is sentenced to a little bit of community service and is told to aid the under-staffed postal service in his town.
Begrudgingly, Edward takes a lesson on how to ride the bikes. Usually it would only take an hour at the most, but Edward is a special case and it takes two full days to learn. When he finally get's the hang of it he is assigned his first run.
All is going smoothly for him for a while, until he comes to a large manor house with a letterbox in the front compound in a fenced off area guarded by a vicious looking dog.
Edward tries his hand at his super speed, but the dog catches up with him too easily and he is forced to flee back over the fence and outside again. He realises he needs a new tactic.
Strategy was never his strong point, so he tries the same thing again...
And again...
And again...
Now feeling exhausted from his numerous sprints, Edward is pretty much done for. He can't run like that again and there is no way to just leave the parcel out on the side of the road. No...He need's to do something drastic- No, something melo-dramatic!
Edward climbs the fence and balances on it to walk to the side where there is a wide hedge garden. He then walks along the precarious plants which could give away at any moment. Edward walks slowly as the dog stalks him from the backyard. When he reaches a tree in the backyard, he notices a low hanging branch. He makes a leap of faith and catches the branch!
But it snaps.
Edward drops a metre and a half down to the ground with the broken branch still in his grasp.
The giant Rottweiler charges, its fangs dripping with foamy saliva as it nears him. Edward swings the large stick like a sword and knocks the cumbersome beast back, but the dog get's back on his feet in moments. Edward swings the stick wildly, keeping the dog at a distance while he slowly inches his way towards the letter box.
When he is finally there he hurls the stick to the other side of the front yard and the dog's gaze follows it hypnotically. Edward places the parcel in the letterbox and feels accomplished.
Until he realises the flaw in his plan.
Now he need's to get the fuck out of there!
Edward waits for the dog to leave to fetch the stick, but it just stares at the stick for a few seconds before returning its attention to the meaty one.
Edward squeals and makes one final dash for the fence, only to be brought down by a dog who weighs more than a Hybrid car. Edward is mauled and his bones are picked clean before being buried in the backyard.
Important note: After extensive talks with Alucard's people, he has decided to do a guest spot in the next chapter!! It has been finalized and it will sure as hell be funny!! Don't miss it or you will become a weak sparkling vampire!
Please review, Edward will spontaneously break down in tears every time this story recieves a review, so do it. Also, ever review makes Alucard more bloodthirsty! You know that's good, so click the little link below here and write a short comment. it can only benefit us both.
