Disclaimer: I know! It's so 2005, but I still don't own Phil of the Future.

Let's Listen In On What Really Happened

Our Players and References

Alyson Michalka = Keely Teslow

Amy Bruckner = Pim Diffy

Brenda Song = Tia Chen

Carrie Michalka = Alyson's Mother

Craig Anton = Lloyd Diffy

Doug Tuber = Co-Creator

Evan Peters = Seth Wosmer

J.P. Manoux = Curtis, Neil Hackett

James Welden = Artist and Production Designer

Julie Sherman Wolfe = Writer

John Philpotts = Set Designer

Kelli McCarty = Miss Mayberry

Lise Simms = Barbara Diffy

Milla Uliviero = News Stand Girl

Ricky Ullman - Phil Diffy

Tim Maile = Co-Creator

Yeardley Smith = Mandy Teslow

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ACT IV -- It's Always Darkest ...

You're with us and you got canned? Come again?

Sorry. I mean, "no and yes." I'm just trying to get acclimated to the idea. I've been reassigned. Drafted. Something about a series of animated history documentaries about an ancient Inca ruler. Kuzco of the Past, or some such. No more make up or wardrobe for me, it's bathrobe and razor stubble from now on.

Uh, that's great, J. P.; I guess. That's -- oh, crud. Now, we need a new Curtis AND a new Hackett! That's just great.

That's "Vice-Principal" Hackett.

(Groan) Ideas?

Hackett's been doing a terrible job --

Hey!

Sorry, J. P., but he's not the hero of the show; he's suppose to fail. Anyway, since he's gone so far as to have been fired by Pim, I say we promote him to the district office, or transfer him to work with his identical cousin at another high school out of state. We can keep the regular cast and promote a teacher to vice-principal, just as we did with J. P. after the first season. Any teacher, but Messerschmitt -- I can't even spell Messchursmidt half the time. I sure don't want to be typing it out every script revision, or have to reshoot every time an actor gets tongue tied trying to say Messchurnuts.

(Chuckle) Okay, he's easy to replace.

HEY!

What about Curtis the caveman? Quit staring at the ceiling and scratching your heads. People are going to notice a missing caveman. (In what other sort of business could I make that statement?)

(I dunno. Insurance? "So easy a caveman could do it.")

He's out hunting?

A customer hit him over the head, dragged him by his hair and now he's married and living with her?

Maybe.t has possibilities.

He's out searching for his tribe?

He's stuck here on a Saturday morning?

Someone here isn't showing team spirit like he used to, J. P.

Okay, you could have signs of Curtis, like he leaves dead meat on the Diffys' porch, or Pim is shown cleaning his little caveman box. There's no toilet in that garage. (I've checked.)

Ew. You have permission to go back to not trying. Next?

We could put him on the side of a milk cartoon?

It's been done already on another show.

How about a tomato can? Say, why don't they put kids on tomato cans, anyway?

What if Curtis is caught in -- aw, why don't we just treat him like "Seth" here? He's just not mentioned again. We don't even need to go into the garage.

Could we do that?

Why not? We've been already been using Curtis less this season and Hackett more. Curtis was always pretty much just a gimmick.

Hey.

Plus, we're going to be busy with this new Pim relationship.

"Relationships." What's going to happen to her dealings with the Fashion Zombies and Little Danny?

Pim's Phil's age now, right, so they're in the same grade? What if new Pim as a cousin has blossomed and the Zombies want her in their little club? Whole new dynamics. As for Danny -- anybody got a reason to keep him around?

He makes a great Igor. Pim could let him in on her secret, or just enough of it to let him know she's still in charge. What if he also thinks the Diffys are aliens, but cool aliens, because kids think aliens are cool -- none of that 50s sci-fi about global domination, taking over the appearance and identies of people, zapping folks with ray guns, or flying through the air at incredible spee-- ... say, maybe Pim really is an alien and that's why she's -- why are you all looking at me like that?

Uh, because you're talking about a character like she's real? This is just television. It' isn't real. Amy's real name is Amy, not Pim, and Pim Diffy is a daughter of the Diffys -- okay, maybe she's a robot --

Android.

Who cares? Point is, you can't rewrite the entire show just for one character.

Who? Pim?

Li'l Danny Dawkins. That's what we've been talking about!

If he was devoted to her before, he'll be gaga now over powerful Pim now, but, hey, if it doesn't fly, then we can stop writing him parts, like we did for the others. Or, or whoever the new Pim is (I already have some suggestions I'd like to run past you later) can still use him to tap the lower grades while she gets a new flunky for the upper -- they could even compete for her affection. (I have some suggestions for that part, too. I represent a few actors, on the side.)

I don't know. 11th or 12th grade girl with freshman boy ... forget the age difference. Why, the height difference alone --

Ahem.

Sorry, Ricky. I didn't see you standing there.

I'm wearing lifts and my hair is spiked! I'm the star of the show! What more can I do?

Have you considered directing?

Whoa, that's right. I was gonna -- I'm directing some season three episodes ... if there IS a next season ...

You know, I could tell them to forget the whole Kuzco-thing if I was going to direct. Uh, Doug? Tim? Anybody?

Welcome to Seth-world, J. P. -- now you know how I felt since season one ended. Maybe you could find a part for me on your show, sort of the performer's code. Whadya say, old pal, old buddy of mine?

Anybody at all? Can no one hear me? Anyone? Hello? Bald guy talking, how can you not see me?

(GRUMBLE) Again, welcome to my world.

Okay, People. Sounds good. New Pim, No more Curtis, and Genevieve Winston will be our new vice-principal. She has an established history of winning out over Phil and Pim, so she'll be a stronger vice-principal, and thus a worthier challenge.

HEY!

Thanks for coming in everybody. This really saved our -- yes?

Um, yeah ... anybody else hearing rumors about a new show on the fast track? Something about a singer?

Disney Channel is always developing new shows.

Yeah, but --

Nothing to be concerned over. We're award winning. We're sophisticated, upscale, artful -- the qualities, the very essence of the best Disney stands for, so don't worry.

But I can't get into my dressing room.

Hello! Neither could I.

Me, neither!

Uh, oh.

Ullman, you're not moving, too, are you?

Me? No. No way. I'm going to play, I mean, "be" a director here. (You guys promised, right? You said third stars always get to pick up a director's credit on their own shows. We pinkie-swore on it.) You can all count on me.

Okay. Hmm ... so, how have our ratings been?

(murmurings)

That bad? OKay, then. How about we meet again same time next week, just to stay on top of things? We'll have all Phil of the Future's angles so neatly tied up that no one will dare even muse about canceling our show. Can everyone wear sunglasses and a smile coming in next time? We'll send the message that Phil's future is so bright, we all have to wear shades. That's all, my friends. We are out of here. Bye everybody! Drive carefully.

They're gone, Tim?

Yeah, Doug.. you thinking what I'm thinking?

'Fraid so. We're likely going to be cancelled, aren't we?

Well, there's a chance that we will and a chance that we won't. We only have two seasons in the can, hardly enough for sydication, so with two years already invested in the show, Disney would have to be a fool not to have enough episodes to cash in on their bet. Sound good?

Sounds great ... what was the other chance?

(sigh) That we're not the new favorite, the economy is sagging, and so is Disney. It's not about creating; it's about cashing in on packaging. Let's face it, it's not like Disney has been merchandising our show. No hand-held wizards, wizrd cell phones, Kelly the reporter dolls, or even a Phil of the Future yo-yo. That's not an encouraging sign. Even Raven has a doll. It's not like anyone in the cast is pregnant or showing up on the internet in nude photos, but -- what's that noise? Is someone there?

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End Act IV
Intermission