Is it wrong to live with a Sorceress? Or: How Morathi Moved-In and Ruined My Life!
Chapter Four: The noodles, of doom
'Why in GOD'S NAME did I pick Lord of the Rings?!' Eric thought.
He had grown bags under his eyes the size of baseballs… or at least it felt like that. But he was so tired he was beginning to feel like he was buzzed again.
Morathi watched the whole movie, barely blinking.
Occasionally she'd make a comment or exclamation, but for the most part she was utterly entranced by the film.
'That's good I guess, better than the last chick I tried to show it to...'
When the credits began to roll she furrowed her brow.
"What is this Eric?"
Clearing his throat and feeling like a reanimated corpse Eric sat up to grab the remote.
"It's over… that was the movie. Did you like it?"
She smirked but quickly made her face plain again, "Far too elfish for my liking… that prince legolanius was annoying… He reminded me of far too many from the Phoenix Court."
Eric stifled a laugh; her sudden turn and attempt at obfuscation proved that she'd enjoyed it somewhat innocently.
'Dude… this is just too meta for me…'
She sat backwards and her voice rose as she continued, "The dawi was entertaining…"
"But most interesting was the wizard… what was it he was doing?"
Eric furrowed his brow and turned off the TV.
"Well… which one?"
"The white one, in the great tower."
"With the Urukhai?"
Morathi nodded, "Creating those creatures from pure magic? Powerful, truly… but…" she smirked and rubbed her chin in thought.
"Possible?"
She laughed mutely through her lips before nodding to herself.
Eric smirked at her almost nerd-like interest, "So what did you think of the Ring Wraiths and the Dark Lord?"
She looked back at her host with intense eyes before waving her hand and raising her voice, somewhat elated,
"Foolish of him to have not been able to find his artefact after so long… But, wise in his ensnaring and use of servants."
She nodded in approval, before becoming taken with ire.
"That she-elf, the damned Asur princess should have been slain on that river fjord… Such a trick as to stave off a battle and use a spell such as she did!"
Eric tried not to laugh.
"As well, those Halflings ugh, why couldn't they have summoned a party of knights?"
He didn't interject, but she continued to make comments and voice ideas about the overall plot and implications of Tolkien's universe.
Eventually, in her new-fan rambling she said; "But I am unhappy that Sauron was foiled at so many turns…"
Reminding him that he was correct earlier, she was still indeed one of the badguys…
But before he realised the gravity of her morally dubious team, the otaku's tongue moved faster than his tired brain could control and he blurted out; "Well he didn't have his mom looking out for him."
The young man's eyes widened as he realised what he had said and then Morathi slowly turned her head away from the screen to face him.
They looked at one another and Eric shook under her unflinching gaze.
Then a loud noise startled him and he took a second to realise, she was laughing.
Arching her neck back and holding her eyes shut tightly, Morathi let out a howl of laughter. Bringing her right hand towards her abdomen she held her belly as she continued to laugh, before waving her left hand at Eric.
"Oh! How rich! How true! Gods below boy…"
She opened her eyes to look at Eric before beginning to rise louder in her elated laughter.
"O-oh your face! T-that! Ah ha ha!"
She eventually calmed down and grunted as she shook her head and wiped a tear from the corner of her eye with her left hand.
"Oh… I hadn't thought of it like that, but oh; so how true!"
"I didn't even see it before you said that! Even the plate armour! Ah ha ha! That Sauron is just like my Malekith!"
Eric hesitantly began chuckling along and smiling.
When Morathi had finally, truly, calmed down she grunted and her face returned to its neutral 'resting-bitch'.
Her voice was stern as she scolded, "Make another jest like that however and I'll throw you from this tower."
Eric's face quailed and he nodded, "Right… you got it."
She smirked and raised her feet in a stretch, her voice now conciliatory "Even if it was the most humorous thing I've heard in a decade…"
The human nodded again and she let out a weary groan.
"Now I am tired, those visions you showed me-"
"movie…"
She raised a brow, and repeated, "Movie"
"My eyes and mind must rest…"
"I shall lay claim to your chambers."
Eric furrowed his brow as she rose and stood.
'Fuck…'
"Well it's kind of messy but-"
"I care not for your fanciful excuses Eric, if it is anything like the rest of your… hovel than I shall steel myself and make do."
Hopping ahead of her the human headed down the hall and pushed open his room's door.
His laundry was collected in a pile towards the outer wall underneath the window, and his sheets were bunched up in weird piles.
But really… it wasn't nearly as bad as he feared.
She pushed past him, confidently striding into the small bedroom.
"Well t-this is my place uh, you can-"
She raised a brow and turned around, "Adequate, yes, adequate. It shall do."
Morathi took hold of the door handle and shut it, almost slamming into Eric; it forced him to jump back awkwardly,
"M-Morathi, did you want me to like… wake you up?"
Her voice came through, muffled, but no less potent and commanding.
"Leave me be, I must ruminate."
He heard a clunk and then she grunted,
"Yes… I must mediate and think."
He furrowed his brow and felt his chest a mess of anxiousness and strangeness, disappointed that the night had gone as it did and so suddenly ended.
Somewhat dejected he offered hopefully, "R-right… well uh, if you need anything…"
He cringed at himself and stepped away from his door uneasily.
"Oh god… I'm hopeless." He complained.
Shaking his head and turning off his lights he looked at his couch and sighed.
"Christ, please be a nightmare… please be a nightmare."
Collapsing onto the long piece of Ikea furniture Eric let out a cry of exacerbation into the cushion.
The coffee, the beer, everything had worn off and now he only felt tired and crazed from the stupidity… the absolute madness of his situation.
…
Sleep was welcome, it was warm, and it was so fucking restful Eric awoke with a loud groan and stretch,
Christ it was almost euphoric…
Then, he remembered
And he sat up with a start; looking around the room with wild, searching, eyes.
His desk was right where it usually was, his computer all in one piece. His chair tucked under his table top. A few cans sat on his coffee table but…
"It's all… n-normal?"
He scoffed and chuckled in disbelief.
"It was all a dream! I just passed out on the couch is all!"
Shaking his head and rubbing his eyes he reached for his phone in his jean pockets and read the time.
Twelve twenty four.
"I slept through my alarm I guess. But…" he sat up and rose to a stand as he looked over everything in his apartment.
"Thank god! Holy fuck that was a bizarre dream…"
Drawing in a deep breath he shivered and felt an uncomfortable weight in his guts.
"Christ I got to piss…"
Shaking his head he looked over the cans and ashtray on his table.
"Damn, did I really drink that much? I thought it was just a couple…"
Walking down the hall to his bathroom he lifted the toilet lid and unzipped his fly.
With a satisfying groan he leaned back and stretched his neck, yawning, as he relieved himself.
'I totally have never had a dream that vivid and that, just plain… weird…'
Smirking to himself he shook off and flushed.
'If dreams tell you anything…' he thought.
"Then I need a girlfriend…" he whispered to himself.
Turning around he looked at his bedroom door.
'Closed'
He raised a brow and his thoughts offered a crazy possibility.
'What if it wasn't a dream?'
He gulped and furrowed his brow, 'Come on… shut up self. That's like, retarded come on…'
Sniffing at his armpit he recoiled at the odour.
"Need some clean clothes, then I'll shower, get dressed and do some of the stuff I've got to do…" he whispered aloud.
Wrapping his fingers around his door handle he gulped again before slowly opening the portal to his bedroom.
It was exactly as it was yesterday, and his eyes surveyed the room carefully.
His dresser, watches, hats, everything was either hanging or lying where he had always had them.
His skateboard was upside down on the floor, but…
Then he looked at his bed.
And his heart sank as his eyes widened.
'Oh… god… no…'
Bumps and curves lay underneath his thin bedsheet.
His eyes traced them towards the pillows and head of the bed.
Thick black hair extended in every direction.
Morathi
He felt his heartrate spike as soon as he saw her face.
In the bough of sheet, pillow, and hair; a pale sliver of ivory skin, obstructed and almost completely hidden by her mass of ebony locks, poked out into view.
She stirred and Eric threw himself out of his room so fast he nearly tripped backwards.
The Hag Sorceress had removed her crown, but… he couldn't see it on the floor.
Perhaps it lay on the other side of the bed? On the floor? He wondered.
But more than that, he shook his head that his new reality was going to be one in which he actually had… as a guest Morathi…
Holding his stomach he walked down his hall, creeping as silently as he could.
His mind racing as he realised, last night was real…
It was… fucking real
Gulping and looking towards one of his bookshelves laden with movies and blu-ray disks of anime.
Maddened he stepped towards the shelf, as one of the box set shows beckoned him.
Reaching up and pulling the blue plastic case out he took hold of and studied the cover of the show;
'Daily life with Monster Girls'
The technicoloured cast stared back at him with their wide eyes and bright smiles, almost encouragingly.
Drawing a deep breath he nodded.
'Okay… not like anything of that calibre is going to happen' he thought, 'but I can at least try not to be a pussy…'
He nodded and exhaled heavily, clutching at his chest with one hand while returning the disk-case back to the shelf.
'Maybe…'
Looking over his shoulder at his counter top he eyed his mug and empty pot.
"Okay… If I'm going to survive this, more coffee is in order I think."
Stepping into his kitchenette Eric furrowed his brow and did his best to try and move forwards calmly.
Opening his fridge and cupboards he looked at what all he had for 'food', and he cringed.
It wasn't looking good…
"Fuck I really need to do groceries…"
Grabbing two Styrofoam cups he grunted uneasily.
"Not like I've not done this before… whew… Okay! Gourmet top ramen on the stove," he sniggered.
'It'll be all good Eric… just you know… don't be stupid.' He nodded at his advice and drew a breath.
Pulling out a cook-pot and grabbing a third Styrofoam cup from his top cupboard he opened the three cups of noodles and started filling the pot with water from the tap.
Turning on his stove and placing the sloshing container over the largest element he nodded.
'Weeb special incoming Morathi…' he chuckled and shook his head at himself.
When the water was boiled he threw in the noodles and spice packs, and grabbed some eggs from his fridge.
Looking at the printed date on the package he raised a brow, 'they're still good… right?
Looking into his utensil drawer Eric pursed his lips and 'hmm-ed' aloud. 'No chopsticks… only forks… The Sacrilege!' he smiled at himself and shook his head.
"Oh god, like she could use them if I had any…"
The comical sight of Morathi attempting to use the thin utensils made him snigger involuntarily.
As his ramen cooked he looked at his phone.
'About enough time now I think.'
Turning the temperature of the stove down to 'simmer' he drew a deep breath and steeled himself, "Well… Let's go wake up the queen of Ghrond…"
…
Knocking on his own bedroom door he raised his voice as he tried to rouse his guest, "Morathi? It's the afternoon. Are you, heh, finished meditating?"
At first there was nothing.
Then he opened the door wider and raised a brow.
"Morathi?" he asked, somewhat concerned.
Stepping quietly into the room he peered around the edge of his bed to satisfy his own curiosity.
He was somewhat relieved to see her crown lying on the floor near the bed. 'At least she doesn't sleep in the thing imagine it poking holes in my-'
His thoughts stopped.
Resting just in front of her huge headdress crown, he saw her armour.
Well, her armour-kini…
On the floor.
Her boob-covers, her skirt, her pauldrons, all of it…
Was neatly lying in pieces, on the floor
His eyes widened and he felt his breath catch in his mouth.
'Holy fuck does that mean what I THINK IT MEANS?!'
She finally made noise, and grumbled.
Stepping backwards into the doorway Eric's eyes darted towards his bed and he saw the large lumps in the middle of it move.
A hand moved out of the bed and made a throwing action towards him.
He furrowed his brow as a dark shape the size of a golf ball suddenly came flying at him from her palm.
With a yelp Eric dropped down and dodged the magic missile which seared a small dark mark across his previously unmarred and clean door.
"Morathi?! What gives?" he asked, flustered.
She moved her head and became visible from amidst the sheets.
"Where am I?"
Eric scoffed in surprise, "You're in my bed."
She furrowed her brow at the words and her groggy face livened.
'Uh oh…' he thought.
"I didn't mean it like that! I mean y-you slept here and I slept out there… it's just this is… aw fuck it…"
He cringed heavily and shook his head. "I… I made food if you're hungry… j-just…" he groaned and shuddered as he averted his eyes and walked back down the hall.
He raised his voice trying to be at once conciliatory and hosting; "I'll be out here and get you a bowl ready."
…
The human stepped out of the chamber and out of view, leaving Morathi to ponder aloud, "A bowl?"
She hadn't heard almost any of what he said…
And to be completely honest she had forgotten why, where, and what had happened.
In her mind, as she awoke, she thought that she'd drunk too much the previous night.
But as her eyes adjusted and life began to return to her limbs she blinked and looked around the foreign room.
The strange walls, the weird feeling cloth… The smell…
It all came back and she held her hand to her forehead as she groaned.
'Gods damn you Malekith….' She thought.
'Why in all the dark crevices of your mind did you think to do this?'
She drew a deep breath and pushed the sheets from her body as she sat up and brought her legs over the side of the bed.
Morathi shuddered and shook her hair as she ran her fingers through her long dark hair.
'I…' her throat choked up and she let out a private whimper in total disbelief.
"I can't remember…"
'Was it a joke I made? I… a plot he discovered?' she furrowed her brow and then raised one as she tried to remember, well… anything but nothing other than the sickening feeling of magical transportation came to her.
Even the thought of the sheer magnitude of the ritual made her feel ill.
She didn't want to reveal anything to the hapless human she'd been misfortunate enough to be imprisoned with. But…
She felt far weaker than she would ever let on.
The ritual which must have sent her here made it so that she was able only to conjure the minutest of spells.
'For how many days shall I persist?' she wondered.
She growled and stood up.
"Damn him… Damn Malekith for this treachery! I…" she looked at her hands in disbelief.
'I'm his mother… his blood…'
She paused and looked towards the small apartment window, towards the neighbouring building complex.
It's foreign brickwork and strange colours gave her pause.
"Perhaps something else, then?"
Morathi pursed her lips, a mix of feelings going through her heart; betrayal, confusion, and –
Her abdomen grumbled and her eyes widened.
Looking down her nude body towards her noisy stomach she let out a grumble, 'Maybe this peasant isn't completely useless…'
She looked towards the open door, a spiced scent wafted down the hall since his departure.
Its odour had been made suddenly more enticing by her stomach's loud ululation.
"I suppose I am doomed for the time being…"
Morathi tightened her right hand and incanted in a whisper as she pointed at the black mark she'd scored on the door earlier.
Faint blue and purple tendrils of flame licked about a foot away from her hand, so weakly they couldn't cook a fly!
She snarled at the indignity but strode forwards with the confidence that only an elven queen could possess.
Shirtless…
Shoeless…
And also, crownless
…
Eric poured some of the broth into one of his clean bowls as he heard the slapping of his guest's bare feet down his hallway.
"Morning sleepy head…" he chuckled, nervously as he focused on not spilling anything.
Using a ladle he began filling 'her' bowl with noodles.
'Ugh… too much confidence Eric… reel it back jackass.' He noiselessly agreed with himself and exhaled through his teeth.
"I didn't really have a whole lot to uh, do anything with but hopefully this'll be enough for you."
Her footsteps had stopped at the edge of the island behind him and he returned the ladle to the pot before picking up the bowls and turning around.
His eyes widened so far his eyeballs could have fallen out.
Morathi stood, at the edge of his kitchen
In
The
Fucking
Nude
Despite trying to give himself a mental pep talk in her absence, despite trying to steel himself, and act, for once in his life, grown up and mature, seeing a six foot tall, completely naked, elf woman made Eric stop altogether.
The air escaped his lungs and his face immediately burned bright red in embarrassed surprise as he exclaimed;
"G-gah-haa ahhhhh!"
…
