A/N: this story is angsty - not intended to be halpy. I'm sorry if that's what you guys were expecting! Ahh. Anyway, this is the last part of this fic and I hope you guys don't kill me.
The Way You Look Tonight, Part IV
It's 1936, and she finds herself in the middle of a green meadow. It's still three in the afternoon so the sun is burning her skin. It's summertime. It's summertime and she is in search of a shade with her best friend. The brunette walks in front of her - she always has and probably always will. Rachel has the need to be on top of everything; be the first to experience everything. It both makes her heart happy and scared.
Someday, when I'm awfully low / When the world is cold
I will feel a glow just thinking of you / And the way you look tonight
Rachel points to a large willow tree and tells her she'll race her there. Quinn pretends she'll actually run but when Rachel counts to three, she lets the shorter girl take off by herself. She laughs when Rachel stops on her tracks and turns to face her furiously.
The girl throws some hair behind her shoulder and waits until Quinn walks up to her. "That was mean."
"No, it wasn't." Quinn says, smile tugging at her lips. She stops walking toe-to-toe with Rachel, barely leaving any space between their bodies. After a second of intense staring, she reaches for Rachel and pulls her close. Rachel melts in the embrace and when they pull away, she counts again and this time Quinn runs.
Lovely, never ever change / Keep that breathless charm
Won't you please arrange it/ Cause I love you
Just the way you looking tonight
She runs as fast as she possibly can without passing Rachel. And even before they reach the tree, Quinn is scooping Rachel up in strong arms that feel like a safe haven to Rachel and twirling her in the air. Rachel's girly and youthful giggle reaches her ear in waves and she feels like she can conquer the world with her.
Quinn lets Rachel take her underneath the tree by the hand and kiss her. Thy make out on the uncomfortable grass and roll around laughing and playing and tasting each other for as long as they can. They eventually sit right underneath the heart that Rachel carved on this trunk. The heart is crooked. It's Quinn's favorite heart. She wonders if her heart looks like that inside her chest.
"Quinn," Rachel says.
"Mm," Quinn responds, giving Rachel silent permission to ask whatever it is she's musing about.
Rachel looks up and Quinn looks down, and brown and hazel meet, "Can we go to Russia after we're married?"
Quinn laughs, not loudly, but loud enough for Rachel to hear. She probably thinks Quinn is laughing at the question but Quinn laughs because she realizes she'll do just about whatever Rachel asks of her. "We can go wherever you want, Little Star," she reassures her.
Rachel's eyes twinkle, full of hope for their future together. She sees herself moving to New York to the promising lights and theaters of Broadway. She sees Quinn with her. She sees them getting married and going off to whatever place Quinn has thought of for them. Sometimes it's Paris, France. Most often it's Italy. Quinn has promised to take her to Europe so many times. While her dream is Broadway, Quinn's is to travel the world. See new things and be a part of experiences she'll never get to enjoy in Lima, Ohio. Rachel expects them to fulfill both wishes together. And once Quinn has seen enough of the world, and Rachel is already famous with a couple of awards under her belt, Rachel sees the addition of a little girl or boy to their family.
Wow. A kid with Quinn. She definitely can see it and she definitely prays for it. She lets her eyes wonder over Quinn's perfect - flawless - porcelain face, with the deep, laughing eyes, and the pink mouth. Rachel thinks about how she tastes like peaches today, of course she does. "Do you want kids? Like, a family?"
Quinn makes a noncommittal noise and Rachel understands she's heard her and is thinking about it.
Quinn considers life in the future. She thinks about how Rachel will be in New York and famous soon. She frowns, for the first time in her life considering that maybe hers and Rachel's dream don't match up. Rachel wants to belong to this city where people don't stop; Quinn doesn't want to stop in one city. But then she has this picture of an adorable little girl with dark hair like Rachel's and light eyes like hers and she falls in love with the idea of having kids. "Only if they're with you."
"Yeah, me too." Rachel instantly tells her. Rachel always wonders what Quinn thinks so much about but she knows Quinn is only this open with her. She just wishes she could somehow read her mind or know what she's thinking.
Quinn always knows how she feels. "I really can't wait, now that you mentioned it."
"Smoke?" Rachel asks, already digging into her dress' skirt's pocket in search of a cigarette and lighter. Her brows raise and she wiggles them, then winks at Quinn causing the blonde to dissolve in giggles.
She gives a breathy, "yeah, of course I do," in response and her tone of voice just sounds like pure sex to Rachel. That's all she wants to do: grab her and make love to her until the next day but they've never done that before and she's afraid their relationship would change after it.
"Hey!" Rachel exclaims suddenly, around the cigarette in her mouth. She gets up to her feet in one smooth move, pats her dress on her behind to clean it, and extends a hand to Quinn. Quinn takes it reluctantly and side-eyes Rachel with an irked eyebrow. "I got you something! I can't remember I forgot!"
"What is it?" Questions Quinn, a curious smile completely taking over her face. Her head tilts to the side and Rachel's heart bursts at the action.
"Come with me, yeah?" She takes Quinn by the hand and they walk back to Rachel's hand in hand.
They only let go when Rachel opens her front door and the eerie quietness of her family life takes over. Her parents are very quiet, somber people who like order and solitude. Quinn imagines that this has to do with why she's loud and outgoing and needy - to overcompensate.
They walk up the stairs, Rachel ahead of Quinn (Quinn might steal a few glances at Rachel's ass), and into Rachel's room at the end of the hallway. "Ready?" Rachel asks and Quinn nods, dying to know what it is.
She pulls out her victrola from inside her armoire and sets it on her vanity table. From inside a drawer she pulls out a square envelope and hands it to Quinn. "I heard this the other day and- it just," she seems shy for a while, her cheeks tinting slightly. She clears her throat and her eyes wander before settling for hazel. "It made me think of you."
Quinn holds on to it, and tells herself to breathe. It's a Fred Astaire record of a song she hasn't heard before but now she wants to hear it more than she wants air. She stares at it, not knowing how to phrase her need to listen to it - she completely forgets what language consists of. Her throat is dry, so she clears it. Her lips are dry, so she wets it. She looks at Rachel with a look that conveys love and - so much want. "Thanks! Love you!"
She pulls Rachel in by her arms and orders the girl to play it softly so they can dance without disturbing her parents. Quinn smoothly guides Rachel across the wood floors of her room for the first time to this song. The song that will be forever theirs.
The vivid memory Quinn has is suddenly broken by present Rachel speaking. It's 1945 and she just came back to New York to take Rachel home. "I cannot believe you're here." Rachel shakes her head to stress her disbelief. "I mean, I knew the troops were all coming back and I was really excited but I didn't even know where to find you." Rachel's hair flutters in the wind as she moves her head when she talks, letting her excitement win over the control of her body.
Quinn frowns and quietly says, "maybe in Lima."
Rachel stops.
Stops breathing, stops thinking, stops speaking.
She stands and stares at Quinn with wide, scared eyes because Quinn already knows.
"How about Lima, huh?" Quinn reiterates, wanting a response, needing a reaction.
Rachel snaps out of it; her head shaking, "I can't."
"Why not?" Quinn pushes. Then her resolve breaks and she shouts when Rachel doesn't give her an immediate answer, "Why fucking not?"
Rachel's eyes snap to hers violently - burning. Quinn knows and all she's here for is to rub it in her face? About how she's an awful mother and how she could leave her son behind? She doesn't need judgement from her too. The only person in the world she thought, she hoped, wouldn't judge her, was Quinn. And now, here Quinn is - doing it. She already hates herself. Finn hates her; her parents and all of Lima. She's sure her kid will grow up to hate her. She needed Quinn to always think of her as Rachel. Not... Rachel who runs. "Fuck you." She tells Quinn and holds her bag closer to her own body in an attempt to control the tears.
She starts to walk away, with purpose in her step but not really knowing what to do. Quinn's stomach flips. She doesn't let Rachel get too far. She wraps her fingers around Rachel's elbow and pulls her back to face her. Wet eyelashes and watery brown eyes - void of magic - reluctantly look up at her. For the thousandth time when around Rachel, her heart breaks.
"When were you there?" Rachel questions timidly.
"Just yesterday."
"Finn?" Rachel's gaze drops when she mentions her ex-husband. Well, technically they are still married.
Quinn nods mutely.
"And how is he?" She means her son and Quinn understands.
She shrugs and admits, "I didn't really care for him when I heard about him. But he seemed healthy." Awkwardly she rubs at the back of her neck.
"I'm so sorry," Rachel finds herself saying and all of the pent-up emotions she'd been saving about her mess of a life come out. She cries and drops on the dirty concrete ground. "I'm so sorry," she repeats with her hands in her face. Quinn can only take so much, really, because this is Rachel breaking down and she hates it. She's conflicted about the situation but still she leans down and wraps the smaller girl inside her arms. "I'm so sorry." Quinn nods atop of Rachel's head, which is tucked in her neck. Quinn feels the tears hitting her skin and running down her neck to her collarbone. It feels gross but she doesn't even care. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."
Quinn finally speaks, while rubbing Rachel's arms and back. "No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for doing this to us; to you."
Rachel's anger flare up in one second and she pushes Quinn off, "no! It's not your fault I'm fucked up! I left by choice, okay? I took my things and I walked away!"
Quinn flinches at Rachel's tone and tries again, "Rach, calm down, okay? If I hadn't left, everything -"
"Everything would be what, Quinn? The same?" Rachel's voice is dripping in resentment. "No, it wouldn't be. I would've come to New York and left you behind if you didn't want to come with me. And you know that, that's why you left me first! And you would've spent the rest of your life mindlessly fucking random people in Lima and probably would have given birth to Noah Puckerman's child. So, no, things wouldn't have been the same. You just didn't stay around to see how things turned out and instead I gave birth to Finn Hudson's son." She breathes deeply, shaky, but deep. "And, oh," a hand flies to her heart to keep it from shattering more, "I miss him so. I do. But how was I supposed to stay around when Finn hated me for sleeping with you? My parents hated me for getting pregnant before being married? And I hated myself for loving you too much to -" She stops right there and looks away.
Quinn attempts to fill in the blanks, "to let me ruin your life."
Rachel continues to look away silently, tears smeared all over her face.
"Which is why I apologized. You see, I am the reason why things are like this. No, things wouldn't have been the same but at least in the end, you would've been happy. And now, nobody is."
"I just really wanted a shot at my dream, you know? I was going to get famous and then come back to Lima and nobody could say shit when I took my son and brought him back to live with me."
Quinn sighs, dejected at Rachel's look. She looks tired and worn out. She looks like she's giving up. It infuriates Quinn. "Rachel, that dream was from lifetimes ago! You have to start living in the present!"
"Like you live in the present!" Rachel shouts back. "You with your self-destructive thoughts, always thinking of the past! Well, the past is over, Quinn! You and I are no longer kids and we are not best friends anymore! You left me! You left me and you never told me to wait for you! You said you'd come back - and you have - but you never claimed me!" Her chest hurts. She heaves for air. "I had already wasted four years in Lima waiting for you to come back. I wasn't going to do it again."
Quinn changes strategies, "let me take you back, please?" She says softly and extends her hand for Rachel to grab it if she wants.
Rachel looks at it and scoffs. "Are you not listening? I'm not going back! I can't!"
"Yes, you can! Come with me. I'll be with you every step of the way, holding your hand." Quinn looks like every fiber of her being is being destroyed. Rachel rivals her look. They've both been through so much. "He needs you." Quinn says, referring to Burt. "He needs you; he's just a toddler. Burt-" she says for the first time but Rachel won't have it.
"Don't say his name!" She shrieks. "Do not say his name! I don't want to hear it and I especially don't want to hear it from you!" How dare Quinn say his name like she knows anything about him or even about Rachel anymore! She's changed so much over the past two years and Quinn doesn't know her anymore.
You're lovely / never ever change
Never ever change
Never ever change
That's not possible. Unrealistic bullshit. Quinn watches as Rachel is in conflict with herself and reaches the conclusion that she really doesn't know her anymore. All she wants is to be with Rachel but she can't anymore because everything got so fucking messy. Where was she? Where did she go? She traded a lifetime of happiness with this beautiful girl for a few moments of glory for her country. Now she couldn't even look at Rachel without feeling guilt and anger. "I wanted a family with you." She says.
Rachel looks at her with a pained expression that begs her not to go there. Please don't go there.
"I used to think about us, while in Europe. I'd think about coming back to you and we'd get married in Rome, have our honeymoon in Venice, and pop out a few kids - maybe three? You'd be a famous Broadway star and we'd live here, in New York City, where I'd tend to every one of your diva whims and our children would grow up spoiled in love and happiness. And you would always love me. And you'd have forgiven me for leaving and I'd take you to places all over the world, like Russia." Rachel's eyes have opened up and every tear is a waterfall. "Now we can't have any of that. It's partially my fault. But, baby," she steps forward, her boot hitting the pavement, "I won't let you ruin that poor boy's life. Let's go home, yeah? And together we'll fight the legal system and your parents and Finn and even the town if we have to. We'll get Burt and we'll raise him together, and that'll be our family."
Rachel breathes in erratically, trying to make sense of what Quinn's asking of her. "It won't be always rainbows and butterflies. You're going to have to re-learn me all over. I've been to war. And I'm going to have to re-learn you obviously. And we'll have to learn Burt together, but we can do this." She reaches forward and grabs both of Rachel's hands with hers. "Sure, Rome will have to wait and Broadway will be postponed but we'll be together. Again. Finally." She breathes out, relieved.
Rachel stays quiet and looks at Quinn adoringly. This gorgeous broken girl wants nothing more than Rachel's happiness. Rachel hates her and she hates herself.
She walks into the blonde and snakes her arms around Quinn's neck. She propels her body up and kisses Quinn on the cheek slowly, deliberately, and Quinn wonders what's happening. She lingers in the feeling of Rachel's delicious lips on her skin and waits. Then Rachel says, "I forgive you."
Quinn gulps and feels the tension slowly escape her body. "Great, so let's go?" Expectantly, Quinn looks at Rachel.
Rachel's eyes are muddy. Not what Quinn had been hoping for. "I won't." Quinn is going to argue again, but Rachel says, "you made a decision to go to North Carolina once and you gave me no other option to accept it. All I ask of you is to do the same for me." This time Rachel keeps her gaze level with Quinn's and doesn't back down.
Quinn would ask her what happened to her but she knows the answer.
Her fight leaves, "Rach."
"Quinn," Rachel's face is still smeared and her nose and eyes are red and puffy. She smiles softly, only one side of her lip curls up. " My Quinn. I'm so happy I got to see you once again. I'm so happy you're alive." She reaches for Quinn's cheek and runs her thumb over it repeatedly and Quinn starts to cry.
With every word / your tenderness grows
Rachel pulls her in close by the neck and speaks in her ear, "You're amazing. Always was; always will be. I'm not quite as strong as you are and I know that you'll always be there for me."
Tearing my fears apart
Quinn's hands grip her shoulders tightly as she cries.
"You're the love of my life. You're my happiest memory. My childhood. And I'll always miss you." Quinn's mouth doesn't work. "And I'm sorry for this, too. I love you so much. And maybe in an alternative universe, we'd be married and have kids." She winks at Quinn through wet eyes and a broken demeanor, trying to lighten the mood. "Or, perhaps! Perhaps we wouldn't even be friends, like enemies from the first time we see each other and - and deep down inside we'd have an unspoken attraction for the other. Huh? How about that?" She giggles, her nose wrinkles.
Quinn just looks at her and for that split second she sees her Rachel.
And that laugh / that wrinkles your nose
It touches my foolish heart
She sees her and so she seizes the moment to kiss her one more time. Rachel's hands hold on to Quinn's neck and her fingers play with the soft hair there. Quinn revels in the familiarity of this. She licks Rachel's bottom lip to ask for permission and Rachel gives it to her because she can't - won't - deny Quinn of anything else.
Their tongues dance and Rachel willingly gives Quinn control. When they break away, Quinn hugs Rachel. They hug for what it feels like hours. Just hold each other, both knowing that this is probably the last time they will be together. Not because there is an ocean diving them or the possibility of war killing one. No, this is the last time because Quinn will be going back to Lima and Rachel will stay in New York to pursue her dream. She won't ever go back to Lima until she does. And Quinn won't ever go back to New York if she can't have the girl who is as great as that city.
And she can't have this Rachel because she's not her. She disappeared somewhere along the way.
So Quinn hugs Rachel. And then she turns around and walks straight to the train station. She laughs bitterly at the fact that this is her third trip on a train in three days. She fucking hates traveling now.
Her weary eyes close but her brain doesn't give her rest.
What about the kid? What about Burt?
By the time she reaches Lima, Ohio, Quinn has figured out what to do.
She calls Finn Hudson from the train station because fuck it - she's tired of walking and she's tired in general. He picks her up in his car and she tiredly smiles at him. He gives her a sympathetic smile back. She looks behind them to the back seat and watches the little boy sleeping for a while. She turns back and faces Finn. She could learn to love him. She could and she will.
She learns to love Finn because she loves Rachel and Rachel has a son with Finn. And this son needs a mother, someone to look up to and to tell him that he will be a great man someday. She doesn't have a thing that belongs to her when she moves in with Finn that night. But she has a sense of duty and a silent vow of love for Rachel and she will pick up her pieces.
She loves Burt so much. He reminds her of all the great things about Rachel. He smiles a lot, he runs everywhere, and he is loud. He likes to dance and he likes to sing. And sometimes, she wonders if one day her own son will leave her to chase the lights of a big place like Rachel did. Finn will reassure her that Burt won't hurt her like that, and then he pecks her mouth sweetly. Because he also learned to forgive her and love her with all the sacrifices she's made for their little family.
And it's only eight years later, when Burt is ten, that Quinn will ever feel like she has real competition for Burt's affection, because a girl she used to know when she was young comes back to Lima, and she looks a lot more like Burt than Quinn ever will.
