AN: Sadly, I own nothing. Spoiler-free.
Chapter 4: Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow
"How the hell did you manage to pull this off?" Serena asked despite her better judgments.
"I'm so glad you asked, S." Blair said with a large grin permanently imprinted on her face.
"I mean, I always knew I was brilliant. There was no doubt about it, but this, this was one of my greatest victories." Blair bragged.
"I think we should all take a minute to revel in the fact that I was able to do this. Just think, could you imagine pulling this off? This is some of my best work." Blair declared.
"Okay, let's stop with the Blair is wonderful talk and continue to how you effectively ruined Jenny's life." Serena scolded.
"Now S, are you upset that I didn't include you?" Blair teased.
"No. I'm upset that my best friend could do this. You don't treat a human being this way." Serena sighed.
"Correction, you don't treat a human being this way, I do." Blair replied. "So do you want to hear it or not?"
"Just tell us." Eric said, but there was a certain eagerness mixed with excitement in his voice.
"Where to begin?" Blair asked rhetorically.
"It all came to me about three weeks ago. What makes Jenny Humphrey Jenny Humphrey? Brilliant blue eyes, lack of money, lack of fashion sense, and her long blonde hair. Even I had to admit, it was gorgeous.
How does one ruin a girl with such pretty blonde hair I asked myself? Obviously she would never take my advice on how to style or cut it; she hates me.
And then it hit me, the one thing that makes hair fall out; Nair. I have to say, it is one of the most useful products in the world.
Now I had the idea; I had the tools, the only thing that I needed was the means to do it. That was the tough part. I'll admit it, I was stumped.
How would I get her to willingly put the Nair in her hair? I mean I couldn't go up to her and tell her to use this product, she would never listen.
This is where it gets good. This is why I am Blair Waldorf. This is why I am definitely getting into Yale. Are you ready?
It was you, Serena. Yes you helped me in my act of revenge and for that I am eternally grateful.
At this point, you're probably thinking what the hell is she talking about? I don't remember ever discussing this with Blair, she never had me do any favors, etc, etc.
But if you think carefully, you'll remember that I once asked you to pick up some ice cream on your way to my place from Dan's apartment, you know, before the break up. There in lies key.
The bag that the ice cream was in was from a supermarket a few blocks from the Humphrey's house. I paid the store a little visit. It turns out, Mr. Humphrey has his groceries delivered to the house on a weekly basis because he's too busy with work to go shopping, bless his soul.
So what did I do, you ask? This Thursday, I talked to the store's delivery boy and he allowed me to look at all of the Humphrey's groceries. You'll find I can be quite persuasive when the occasion arises.
The boy told me that Jenny specifically picked out her shampoo and conditioner, so I was sure that my little quest for revenge wouldn't affect Dan or her dad in the process.
I also knew that if I switched Jenny's regular shampoo and conditioner with Nair, she would be able to tell the difference. Nair has a very distinctive smell.
I had to find a way around this little dilemma so I bought an expensive brand of shampoo and conditioner, which Jenny would love to use but obviously couldn't afford. I emptied the bottles and poured Nair into each one.
I instructed the delivery boy to inform Jenny that the store made a mix up with her hair products, but since the new ones were a better quality than what she had asked for, she should just keep them. Naturally, she did this, the little social-climber that she is.
The pieces were laid out and the plan was in action. All I had to do was wait for Jenny to shower and use her new and improved hair products.
Before your mother called me over last night, I was outside the Humphrey's apartment. I could hear Jenny screaming and crying through the window.
I assumed she would get a wig and it would somehow attract attention and scrutiny that way, but never in a million years did I expect my luck to be so good that someone would get a picture of her with no hair and no wig." Blair finished her flashback dramatically and sighed.
"Are you happy now?" Serena asked, shaking her head in part amusement part revulsion.
Although Serena agreed that what Jenny did was wrong, she didn't have the same taste for revenge that Chuck and Blair did. And this was definitely one of the cruelest things Blair had ever done.
"Sadly, I'm very happy." Blair replied with a smirk.
"Remind me never to get on your bad side, Blair." Eric said only half seriously.
"Eric van der Woodsen you never could." Blair said and patted his shoulder with a smile.
"So is that it? Are you going to stop this madness?" Serena asked exasperatedly.
"For today at least. Poor Jenny Humphrey has no money, no friends, no boyfriend, and now, no hair. I think it's the saddest thing I've ever heard." Blair said with an evil glint in her eye.
"I mean, even you S have to appreciate the thought I put into this. The plotting, the manipulating, the execution. Everything worked out perfectly. I just love it when a plan falls into place." Blair squealed in joy.
"Well, nobody does revenge better than Blair Waldorf." Serena said sarcastically to her best friend. "But on the bright side, I don't think I've seen you this happy in a long time."
"Something about total social destruction and ruining lives brings out the best in me." Blair agreed with a smile.
"Wow. Looks, brains, and a complete bitch. How do you stay single?" Eric asked sardonically.
"Oh, you know, it's a battle." Blair retorted, smirk still in place.
"Yeah…clearly." Eric deadpanned.
"Well I for one am impressed." Chuck finally spoke up, giving Blair a sexy smirk.
"Thank you for your opinion. Now fuck off and die, you fucked up piece of shit." Blair said dangerously soft.
"Someone's still got her panties in a bunch." Chuck replied angrily but giving Blair a fiery look at the same time.
"S, I think we better go. We have some major retail therapy ahead of us." Blair said, ignoring Chuck's comment.
Serena nodded in agreement and the two girls left the penthouse.
Spotted: B looking as victorious and evil as ever in the van der Woodsen-Bass suite, retelling how she managed to make Jenny Humphrey lose her hair. I must admit, I would have loved to hear it straight from the horse's mouth but I'm sure word will get out eventually, and of course, I'll be the first one to spread the news.
Rumor is S and B are going on a little shopping excursion to pick out something to wear for Bart Bass' company's gala tonight. I wonder what color B will be wearing; I'm thinking red. You know you love me. Xoxo, Gossip Girl.
"Sadly, I'm very happy." – Entourage (TV Show)
"Remind me never to get on your bad side."
"Eric van der Woodsen you never could." – Entourage (TV Show) (In the original quote, 'Eric van der Woodsen' is replaced with 'Ari Gold')
"I think it's the saddest thing I've ever heard." – Cruel Intentions (Movie)
Looks, brains, and a complete bitch. How do you stay single?"
"Oh, you know, it's a battle."
"Yeah…clearly." – Dirt (TV Show) (In the original quote, 'a complete bitch' is replaced with 'venom')
"Thank you for your opinion. Now fuck off and die, you fucked up piece of shit." – Closer (Movie) (In the original quote 'original' is replace with 'honesty' and 'piece of shit' is replaced with 'slag')
