It had been nearly a week since Jane had come home from the hospital, and for the most part she was taking it easy. She was making sure she wasn't overdoing it. And to be honest her body ached and throbbed, so the little movement she did the better.
As much as she loved being home it wasn't the same, things had changed. At first Maura tried to make Jane as comfortable as possible, but she noticed that she was struggling. That she was fighting an internal struggle to be composed and ok. She also noticed that when she did try and touch or kiss her wife, the blonde would tense or jump slightly at the contact. She expected this, but she also expected her wife to talk to her to tell her how she was feeling. Jane was sure sometimes she would hear her crying in the shower.
She suggested that she should sleep in the guesthouse, at first Maura argued that it was unnecessary, until Jane pointed out that climbing the stairs is extremely painful and exhausting for her. Which wasn't a lie. It hurt like a bitch. But she could see the sense of relief that washed over her. They were both hurting and trying to find how to heal.
Apart from pleasantries and the odd conversation they hadn't really spoken to each other, as the days wore on Jane just decided to stay in the guesthouse and not bother going to the main house anymore. And it felt like her wife was doing the same with her. Maybe it was for the best she thought.
To give each other some space and time, after all each night Jane would wake to the sounds of her own screaming and covered in sweat. If she was having nightmares, so was Maura.
She would get visitors regularly checking up on her anyway, so she was never alone.
She woke up nightly from nightmares and covered in sweat. Once she had told herself it was only a dream and had to remember where she was. Her clothes and sheets were drenched in sweet, again!. This was becoming a daily routine of changing the sheets and showering..
Once she was freshened up she did her usual morning routine of having a large cup of black coffee. It surprised her to hear a knock at the door, looking at her watch it was only 6:30am. Too early to be any of the Rizzoli clan. Slowly and tentatively she made her way to the door, opening it to find her wife stood there looking sexy in her silk lingerie. Her heart skipped a beat and she had to swallow hard.
"Morning, I hope I didn't wake you?" The blonde said.
Jane was still in shock as she hadn't expected to see her, and not this early in the morning either. "No, not at all, I'm just a little surprised, that's all".
Shifting from left to right the blonde felt nervous. Why the hell do I feel nervous for? "Yes, I suppose one would, erm I just thought I should let you know, that you have your appointment today at 9am with the Otolaryngologist".
All she heard was googlespeak, "Sorry, my what?". The italian woman said with a smirk.
She allowed herself to let out a small laugh, followed by a smile. For a brief moment Maura felt like how it was before, but it was a fleeting moment. "It's your doctor, to have a look at erm...your face".
That was it, Jane's stomach sunk and the smile was gone instantly, she instantly felt fear. She didn't want to look at her, so she looked down to the ground instead. Neither one of them had seen her face since the attack. She didn't know what it was going to look like and she didn't want to know either.
Maura instantly saw her wife tense, and fear flash across her eyes. She did the only thing she could think of to somehow offer her comfort. She gently grabbed her hands and started to rub the tops of her scars. Few seconds later her eyes were met by the italians looking up at her.
"I'll be with you sweetheart, you're not alone in this, whatever the outcome is". Gently giving her hands a reassuring squeeze. A single tear fell down Jane's cheek, before she knew it her whole body was shaking with uncontrollable sobs. Sinking to the floor the blonde came with her, holding her. It broke Maura's heart to see her wife so fragile. She hoped that just by holding her she could feel the love she has for her.
The ride to the hospital was painful, Jane didn't want to talk, and Maura neither knew what to say either.
Jane wasn't really paying attention or taking any notice of where they were going in the hospital. It was Maura who had navigated the sterile corridors to make there way to the right department.
Surprisingly the waiting room was fuller than she had expected it to be. Jane hadn't bothered making eye contact with any of the other patients waiting. She didn't want to see why they were there. All she could do was to concentrate on not emptying the very little stomach contents she had in her. She could feel the bile rising in the back of her throat. She had to swallow hard to force it back down.
Maura had checked Jane in at the reception desk, turning back to face her wife she could tell Jane was struggling. She went to get her a cup of water from the cooler in the corner of the waiting area.
Satisfied she had filled the cup with enough, she made her way back to Jane, "I figured you could do with something to drink".
Jane looked up at the familiar voice, having Maura here was a big help. She always had that knack of calming her. "Anything a bit stronger than water in that?". She said with a smirk whilst taking the cup from her.
"I'm afraid not", although she was trying to put on a brave, she could see in Jane's eye that she was terrified. She sat next to the empty seat next to the italian woman. Without even speaking she took her left hand and gave her a gentle squeeze. Telling her that she is not alone in this.
They spent the next 15 minutes just sat in silence, until the phone on the receptionists desk rang and pulled them out of their own thoughts.
"Mrs Rizzoli-Isles the doctor will see you know"
Both Maura and Jane stood up together, the blond still holding her wife's hand. Jane led the way into the doctor's room.
"Hello, I'm Doctor Matthews", the cheery little man in glasses approached them with an extended hand.
Noticing that Jane was struggling to get the words out, Maura responded by taking the man's hand. "Hello Doctor Matthews, I'm Maura and this is my wife Jane".
Noticing that Jane was quite the small man gave Maura a warm smile and indicated for them both to sit.
"Jane, I've gone over your records extensively, hopefully I will be able to offer some advice and help you move forward in whatever decisions you take. First I need to take off the dressing and have a look at how your face is healing".
She didn't realise but on impulse she grabbed and squeezed Maura's hand hard. She was trembling, she was worried her voice would fail her to she just nodded her head to the doctor.
The doctor was trying to read his patient's body language and mental state. When dealing with trauma to the face, people react differently depending on the type of injury. However, Jane's wasn't going to be easy. The trauma inflicted had been deep, cutting through tissue and muscle, going in so deep that when he had looked at her scans you could see where the weapon used had scraped the bone.
"Is that ok with you Jane if we proceed? I will need you to lie down on the bed".
Again another nod from the brunette, Maura helped her to her feet, never letting go on her hand.
After Jane had laid down on his examining table, he went to get some latex gloves and some small scissors. He was hoping if the healing was done he would remove whatever stitches he could.
He lined up all his utensils on the little side table next to the examining table. "Ok Jane I'm going to start, first I will remove the outer dressings, then I will remove the dressing pad". He paused giving his patient time to process the information. "If everything looks ok, I will then proceed to remove all or most of the stitches and give the wound area a thorough clean".
"I suspect that you haven't done this, which is ok, the type of dressing that was applied was designed to aid healing by creating a seal over the wound. There designed to stay on for up-to four weeks at a time".
Jane closed her eyes as she felt the doctor removing the offending dressing that has been covering one half of her face. It will be nice to see with both eyes she suddenly thought.
Maura watched the doctor intently, making sure he didn't hurt her wife. When the final dressing pad had been carefully removed. She had to hold the gasp that she was scared of leaking from her lips. The wound looked red and angry. The trauma that Jane had suffered was significant, she could see it started just above her right eye and then ran down the right hand side of her face down to the bottom of her cheek.
Jane knew something was wrong as soon as she felt the dressing pad come off, Maura's hand squeezed her's. Swallowing hard she knew she needed to see it.
"I need to see".
The doctor knew this was always the hardest part of the job, he had seen the biggest and hardest of people break down into sobbing wrecks. "Just one second Jane, I just need to clean around your eye so you can open it. Because of having it covered for four weeks and with the healing process the eyelashes have become stuck together with dried expectorant".
This was torture for Jane, it was just prolonging the inevitable. Throughout all of this Maura was silent. If she hadn't still been holding Jane's hand you wouldn't have known she was in the room.
"Right Jane, take your time slowly opening your right eye, because it has seen no light for for weeks it might be unfocused and blurry. You might even find the light will hurt your eye and possibly make you feel sick, this is normal".
Jane listened to the doctor, slowly she opened her eyes, instantly her right eye felt like it was on fire. She shut her eyes tight. She tried again, this time she managed to keep it open, but it made her eye water. Once she had composed herself and was ready she held her hand out so she could take the mirror from the doctor's hand.
Once he had placed the mirror in her hands she had slowly raised the mirror, stopping as soon as her chin came into view. Taking a deep breathe she continued to move the mirror upwards until her face was in full view. Turning her head slightly to the left to show the right side of her face. All see saw was ugliness, anger started to rise inside her. Her breathing started to become deeper, flaring her nostrils each time she exhaled. She had had enough and held the mirror out in front of her, not to any one in particular just for someone to take the offending thing.
"Ok Jane, I have had a good look, I was able to remove all the stitches, from what i've seen it has healed well. Although the scar is still red and raw that area will be sensitive for a while. But within time the scar should shrink and fade". By this point the doctor was sat back behind his desk and Jane and Maura sat in the chairs again.
The doctor opened his drawer and pulled out some sunglasses. He handed them to Jane. "You will need to wear these for the next week, indoor and outside unless in a dimly lit room, it's so that you right eye can adjust to being exposed to light again".
Jane reluctantly took them and put them on. The sunglasses were strange, her left eye was covered with a clear glass whilst the right eye was tinted. She felt like an idiot wearing them.
Again she felt Maura gently squeezing her hand. She wished she would say something instead of sitting there in silence.
"So Jane, usually when we have some kind of facial trauma we can do skin grafts. You would need a full-thickness skin graft. This is done by getting skin from the donor, usually the buttox and thighs and placing it on the area, your face. Sometimes, the fat or cartilage under the donor skin may also be included. Using stitches, the donor area is closed and the grafted area is fixed to the surrounding skin. Dressings are placed to protect the wound from further injury and infection. These may be in the form of bandages, films, or foams, and may contain certain substances to help promote faster healing. The graft heals by taking up the blood supply from the wound and growing new blood vessels. This allows the new skin to survive".
Looking back and forth between the two woman he continues.
"Having a full-thickness skin graft may put you at risk of other problems. Since the graft is thick, it will need a long time to heal. It also has a higher risk of graft failure. This means that the grafted skin dies, and you may need another graft. Scars may form on both your donor area and grafted area. The grafted skin may not look or feel the way you expected it to".
Maura already knew what he was going to say, she had understood what he was getting at. She had to be strong now for Jane and she fought to hold back the tears that were starting to sting her eyes.
She turned to look at her wife, Jane looked back with a blank expression. She knew too what he was going to say. She didn't know how to feel. At this moment in time she just felt numb.
"I'm sorry Jane, because of the extent of the facial trauma, you would need several full thickness skin grafts. This would be very painful for you with no chance that they would take. Leaving many scars in the donor areas as well as scaring even more on your face, and the whole procedure possibly taking years to complete".
Jane was the first to stand up, she extended her hand out towards the doctor "Thank you for everything, and thank you for being honest".
The doctor took Jane's hand and shook it, he was having difficulty reading her. She was speaking in a calm manner, maybe she was in shock from the news. "You take care of yourself Jane, and if you have any questions then please don't hesitate to call me".
Jane gave his hand one more shake before walking out of his office leaving Maura a little dumbstruck. She went to race after her, quickly bidding the doctor a quick goodbye. Entering the waiting room she couldn't see Jane, running out into the hallway there was still no sight of her. 'Where the hell are you Jane?' She thought.
Quickly reaching into her bag to find her phone, she pressed the speed dial number for Jane. "Come on Jane, please pick up". Nothing, the phone kept ringing until it eventually went to voicemail. "Hi you've reached the phone of Jane Rizzoli, leave a message after the beep".. BEEP.
"Damn it Jane". She knew there was something wrong with her, she was too calm and far too composed. The usual Jane Rizzoli would have screamed and shouted and maybe broke a few things to get her frustration and disappointment out. She didn't want to panic, maybe Jane just needed time to think. She called Frankie, maybe he could help find her. After a few rings he answered.
"Hey Maura, what's up? What can I do for you?"
She didn't want to frighten the younger Rizzoli but there was no gentle way of doing this. "Hello Frankie, I don't want to alarm you but Jane has disappeared".
"What! What do you mean, disappeared?", Frankie was on the verge of running out of BRIC.
"We went to see Jane's facial specialist today, the news wasn't good. But Jane was too calm, she didn't react at all to the bad news, nothing, no screaming, crying or swearing. When I went to chase after he she was gone and she won't answer her phone. I'm sure everything is fine Frankie, and that she needs time to think but if i'm honest i'm a little worried".
Frankie could understand why she was a little worried, he knew his sister well, and being Italians we don't take any news calmly, we react, we are loud. "Ok Maura, i'm sure she is fine, let me just see if I can ping her phone".
"Thank you Frankie". She could hear on the other end of the phone the sounds of someone typing on a keyboard.
"We got her, she's just outside of the hospital, Shit!".
That can't be good, Maura thought. "What Frankie, what is it?"
He knew his sister could be stubborn. "I've just lost the signal, she's disabled her phone, I'm sorry Maura".
Maura had to sit down, she didn't like this one bit. "What are we going to do Frankie?".
A part of him wanted to go and search the streets for Jane, the other part of him wanted to go to Maura. But he knew there was nothing that any-one could do. "Sorry Maura, we can't do anything until Jane wants us too, she's too smart to leave a digital trail if she doesn't want us to find her". He continued before his sister in law could say anything else. "I'm sure she will be fine, knowing my sister she'll go to some dive of a bar, get wasted and come home and puke".
"Yes, your probably right, that does seem the way that she deals with things by getting drunk, thank you Frankie, please let me know if she contacts you". She hated feeling this helpless.
"Will do Maura, try not to worry". Sometimes he really wanted to slap some sense into his sister. Why does she have to go off and 'try' to deal with things on her own all the time. When she does it never ends well.
Just to clarify what an Otolaryngology's job is:
According to the American Academy of Otolaryngology - head and neck surgery this is there definition: Otolaryngology (pronounced oh/toe/lair/in/goll/oh/jee) is the oldest medical specialty in the United States. Otolaryngologists are physicians trained in the medical and surgical management and treatment of patients with diseases and disorders of the ear, nose, throat (ENT), and related structures of the head and neck. They are commonly referred to as ENT physicians. The head and neck
The Head and Neck:- This area of the body includes the important functions of sight, smell, hearing, and the appearance of the face. In the head and neck area, otolaryngologists are trained to treat infections, benign (non-cancerous) and malignant (cancerous) tumors, facial trauma, and deformities of the face. They perform both cosmetic plastic and reconstructive surgery.
