Chapter 4

Do I need another author's note? Just read the damn thing.

Lily started in surprise. Snape jerked his hands from his face and looked up. Even by the faint light of her wand Lily could make out his dark, tunnel-like eyes. They were gleaming with unwept tears.

"Pro – Professor?" she asked.

Snape sighed. "Miss Potter," he replied heavily. "What do you want?"

Lily decided to ask him the question that had been plaguing her since supper. "I received a letter from father. He said there had been a death in Europe and that he was going off again to fight Voldemort. He sends you his best wishes." Snape nodded once in acknowledgement. "Sir, I – I wanted to ask you. Who has been killed? Where is my father? I know you know; please don't hide it from me."

Snape narrowed his eyes at her. "Why would I know?"

"Because you are one of his greatest friends," Lily said gently.

Snape snorted. "Hardly, Miss Potter."

Lily drew out the letter and wordlessly handed it to him. Snape looked at her closely for a moment, then began to read. He seemed to read incredibly fast. When he had finished he gave it back to her with a resigned expression. Then he began to speak.

"Miss Potter, around fifteen years ago in France, I had a … liaison … with a woman named Helene. Nothing serious, just a bit of … fun." Had the situation not been so intense, Lily would have laughed at how strange the word sounded on Snape's lips. "Then Helene fell … with child. Pregnant. I was overjoyed. We moved into a small house together. But a few weeks before the baby was born, Helene told me that she was having an affair with-" Snape's murmuring voice broke off. Lily didn't push him. She could understand how difficult it must be for a man of his pride, his tightness, to tell an eleven-year-old girl about his terrible past.

With a visible effort, Snape continued. "With – the humanised Lord Voldemort, Miss Potter." Horror coursed through Lily. How could anyone connect themselves with Lord Voldemort in such a hideous way? "As you may imagine, I was not best pleased. But I knew the wrath of Lord Voldemort. I knew how angry he would be if he discovered his lover was pregnant with one of his former Death Eaters' child. So I stayed with Helene. But Voldemort always found out everything. The day the baby was born, he came to our house. Helene was still weak from childbirth. And she wasn't a witch. He killed her straightaway. I fled with the baby. We hid in the wine cellars of Bordeaux. I named the child Claudia. When I had to go back to teach at Hogwarts, I left Claudia with Madame Maxime, headmistress of Beauxbatons School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Claudia attended that school when she turned eleven. I went to see her during all the school holidays.

"This evening, I received a letter from your father, telling me that Beauxbatons had been attacked." Snape's voice began to waver. Lily could hear him forcing it into a flat, emotionless monotone. "My daughter was killed. Lord Voldemort found her at last."

A sob rose up in Lily's throat in sympathy for this tall, dignified man who was now slumped on the floor. More than anything she wanted to put her arms around him, to comfort him. But she could not. Gradually her awareness that he was a teacher crept through her.

"I'd better get back," she whispered, and slowly walked away. She did not know the way, but was willing to take a guess to get away from the man whose sobs wrenched at her heart and tore at her throat.

Purely by chance, she came across the History of Magic classroom. She knew her way back from here. As she made her way along the corridor she marvelled at what Snape had told her. He had had a daughter. A child of his own, a focus for all his unspent love. And now she was dead.

What had prompted him to tell her about this? What spark of emotion had made him trust her more than, Lily suspected, the other teachers or students? Was it because she was a Potter? Again her hatred for any advantage being a Potter might give her surged up. But then Lily realised exactly what it was. It is because I'm a Potter, she thought. But it's not because I'm famous. It's because Snape trusts my father more than any other human being. The realisation filled Lily with sudden warmth, and she straightened slightly as she walked.

Hannah was waiting for her when she got back to the Gryffindor common room. "Where have you been?" she demanded. "Why did you storm out during supper?" In fact, all the first-years and some of the older students were looking at lily for an explanation. She sighed. "I just got some bad new in that letter I got. My father has to go abroad again. For months and months. He does it a lot."

Hannah stared at her open-mouthed. "You mean – to fight You-Know-Who?"

"Voldemort, yes." The other students winced. Lily realised too late that she should not have said 'the name,' and shrugged apologetically. Sorry. My father taught me that fear of a name increases fear of the person himself. Not that Voldemort is a person, though."

The rest of the year continued to stare at her. Lily began to feel uncomfortable. "Um … I think I'll go to bed. I'm pretty tired." She turned and fled up the stairs. The dormitory was deserted. Lily flung herself onto her bed, suddenly near to tears once more. Waves pf pity, both for herself and for Professor Snape, rolled over her. At least she still had a family. He had no one. No one who cared about him.

Except you, a voice in her head told her. You care about him.

I do not! Lily responded angrily. Maybe I feel drawn to him, but – The thought stopped. Lily tried to convey her feelings into English. She had to win this battle, even if it was only with her head. I just – understand him. That was true. Although Lily had not been through what Snape had been through, she did know what it was like to feel unloved. As a Potter, she was world-famous anyway, but as Gryffindor's heir – everyone knew who she was. They watched her every move, listened to her every word. She had no privacy whatsoever. More than a few times Lily wished that the position of Gryffindor's heir could not be transferred to a woman. Then her brother, Adam, would have the responsibility. But she could not change it.

Even her family was not close to her. Only her father understood how much pressure she was under. Her mother, sister and brother were sympathetic, but Lily doubted they really knew what it was like.

Slowly she drifted into a sorrowful, uneasy sleep, her dreams full of Snape's lover being killed by Voldemort, of Snape himself fleeing with his beloved daughter. But then Hélène changed into her father. There was a yell of "Avada Kedavra!" A flash of green light. And Lily awoke, sweating and shaking. It was light outside: glancing at her watch Lily saw that it was half past five in the morning.

She lay back down, but could not stay still, and soon she hopped out of bed, threw on her cotton dressing gown and ran out of the dormitory. She knew exactly where she was going this time. Outside.

In the cool, still air, Lily threw herself down onto the wet grass. Again she thought of her father, but this time she felt anger, not fear and sorrow. How could her father leave her like this? What if he died? She would be Gryffindor's heir, first in line after Dumbledore died. Suddenly Lily felt scared. She rose from the grass and began to walk in the direction of the lake. Hannah had shown her the lake on her first evening here. It seemed so peaceful, although everyone knew that a giant squid and goodness knows what else lurked in its depths. How could anything, even a lake, be calm and serene all the time? Even Snape, the master of inscrutability, could not do it.

The lake was exactly as Lily remembered it, a gently rippling sheet of grey. Scowling, Lily started to pick up stones and throw them into the water as hard as she could. She could think of nothing but her father's selfishness. How could he leave her here alone, to the mercy of the entire wizarding world? "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy," she murmured as she searched along the bank for more stones. "Why have you deserted me?" Again she flung the stones out over the lake; they landed in a series of resounding splashes.

"I would advise you to consider the giant squid, Miss Potter, before throwing things quite so forcefully into the lake."

Lily recognised the voice as soon as it began. She turned, acknowledging his presence. "Professor."

"Lily."

She stiffened. Snape never called people by their first names, never. She looked up into his eyes. His expression was different now: there was no anger, no pride, no fear. Just terrible sorrow. Lord Voldemort had hurt him, just like he had everyone else.

Lily smiled gently at Snape, suddenly guilty that she could even think about her father when this man had endured such a loss. Her thirst for knowledge surged up, and a dozen questions formed in her mind before she could pick the right one. "Professor?" she asked timidly. "Did you know my grandmother?"

Snape's face twisted into a bitter, self-mocking smile. "Yes," he said shortly. "I knew her."

Lily nodded, afraid to ask any more, and turned to leave. As she walked away over the grass, dew soaking her bare feet, she looked back at him. He had sunk down onto the ground, sobbing and covering his face with his strong hands.

Lily shook her head, marvelling at Snape's courage. The way he only let himself cry when she had left. The way his face showed none of what he felt inside, the way he had to let it out when no-one saw.

Awed and subdued, she walked back to the castle. She was surprised to see that she had been out for over an hour. A couple of students were already heading to the library. Probably finishing their homework, Lily thought, hiding a smile as they passed her.

She got back to the dormitory just as everyone was waking up, and was immediately swept into the chaos of five other girls trying to get ready at the same time. Good. Much as she liked Snape, she didn't think her friends would be quite wiling to believe that he was human, let alone likeable.

But then, she reasoned with herself, nor did you, until you got to know him.

Hope you like it! There is more but I WANT REVIEWS, people! Pretty please!