Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own any right to the show Criminal Minds and to its characters

The other characters in the story are the product of my imagination as well as the story

Many thanks for reading the story so far and for the reviews, in particular to miaa29 and

sanctuaryforall for always giving me feedbacks :)

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Hope you enjoy!

Emily couldn't help taking Derek's words with a shade of diffidence. I didn't expect to find him in front of my door, that's all I am saying! He looked serious and genuinely sincere in saying he's not giving up on us, just like he did this morning when he left without a word after I practically begged him not to leave me… The problem is that I feel complete when I am with him, and I am afraid to rely too much on this feeling.. Emily-first started analyzing the situation while getting under the hot shower.

You're so mean and hypocrite kicked in Emily-second with the usual delicate touch of an elephant in a crystal shop you've been sabotaging this relationship since the moment you realized it actually had a chance to work. It's your usual pattern you can't deny that. When a story has a shot and you find a man that could be right for you, you run by the hills or even better you make him run away. You put up a barricade, close up in your fortress and start finding the most stupid reasons to convince yourself that it's not gonna work and bla bla bla. Whether you do it because you are scared of commitment or because you think you don't deserve anything good in your life or because you think you are not enough for the other or for all the three reasons above, admit it, you do it, systematically. And it's so naïve and phony that you blame him for not swearing eternal love this morning.

Fine. Emily-first answered her alter ego with resent you might have a point, in general.. But things are really not easy in this case. Not only do we work together, but we have colleagues and friends in common, basically we share a family. Yes, we may have a lot to gain but even way more to loose in case something goes wrong. When it's just the two of us it's frankly amazing, I haven't felt so happy in a long time. The little details of our private life that we discover daily, it's like dating for the first time but knowing each other since forever. The most meaningless occasions become precious moments that we treasure with incredible care. But when we are at work it's a nightmare. We have to hide from our colleagues, our friends, we spend most of the time lying. Do you know how despicable I feel every time? Not to mention the constant control on every glance, word or gesture. All the spontaneity between us gets obliterated when we are working and this means the 80% of the time. We are carrying on a daily effort to kill the magic and the spontaneity in our relationship. And how do you think is this going to end? Either we'll split up, either we start hating each other and then we'll split up..

Either you move on to the next phase and you make it public Emily-second finished the sentence unless you are too scared to do that…

Emily answered with a grunt to her conscience and closed the conversation wiping the condensation away from the mirror, her hand traced on the glass a blurry arch in which she could see her reflection. She touched her face she looked exhausted. She was indeed.


Morgan noticed her tiredness when she joined him in the leaving room where he was waiting for her. "Prentiss, you should really get some sleep" he suggested.

Thanks for the suggestion Mr Obvious, she answered mentally

Emily looked at him with a mixture of uncertainty, pain and sorrow. How to tell him that she cared about him more than she would ever admit to herself and she really wanted this thing to work out but right now she really couldn't focus on that? There was some unfinished business she had to take care of, in the specific she had to throw her career out of the window in order to uncover the truth on an innocent's death.

She had always known that she was doomed to sacrifice her personal life in order to help someone else. Some people just live for themselves, what they do is finalized in achieving their own happiness and in keeping safe the beloved ones. Some others instead simply cannot stand in a corner minding their own business. They feel compelled to help people and seek truth and justice; they carry this burden giving up their personal life, becoming lonely wolves, looking at the idea of an ordinary and happy existence like a mirage. They are aware deep inside that the force that draws them to long such stability is the same one pulling them away from it. They are not meant for an ordinary fate, they are just not ordinary creatures. Emily couldn't remember exactly when she signed that invisible contract, when she sold her soul to her job, her own interpretation of Doctor Faustus, what she knew was that she belonged to the BAU, she was meant exactly to be on that path.

She half opened her mouth trying to unwind in a logical sequence this cloud of thoughts, when Derek anticipated her "Look Emily, I am sorry for the way I reacted the today. This all thing is a new territory for me and I don't like not being in control of a situation, not knowing what's behind the corner, if it's jumping in the void together or if it's you suddenly closing up and running away." He paused for a moment monitoring her reaction, in someway he felt they had to make a decision about their situation but he didn't want this to sound like an ultimatum.

Emily looked at him, guilty eyes. She knew he was right, she had been playing hide and seek with her feelings for a long time, and Derek had been waiting patiently for her to make up her mind. But now it was time to end the game and she knew it.

Morgan felt helpless and guilty, she looked like a lost child, scared, defenseless, fragile. But at the same time a boiling fury started arising in him: no matter what, there was always a defensive shield, she couldn't help being so stubborn and obstinate in refusing his support, even though she was crumbling. She would have died to help him or anyone else in need, but when it came to her she would never ask neither accept any support. She had a tireless and incredibly annoying inclination to martyrdom and self-sacrifice, which drove him mad beyond his control. He took a deep breath trying to keep his temper and not to snap again, then he rose her chin to find her gaze and started in a calm, husky voice "Hey, it's been a hard time for both of us and I don't want to push you in doing something you are not sure of. I want to help you and to be here for you, but you have to allow me because frankly I am tired of chasing you, of trying to read what crosses your mind when you close up and hide from me, of asking myself if you care about us or if it's just a recreational affair. It's exhausting and if you don't trust me enough to give me some credit and rely on my capacity to help you and understand you, I don't see how this thing could possibly work".

There he was, Derek Morgan, this gorgeous human being whose path for some reason had crossed hers at some point, finally laying the cards on the table and speaking out his sacrosanct right to know what her intentions were. She had seen this coming for a long time and finally the bomb was landing on her in the worst moment, but in all and to her surprise it was a relief. He had unwittingly provided her frightened, weakling, childish alter ego with the perfect excuse she had been waiting for all that time to wear the lone fighter's armour and run away.

She mentally went through all the moments spent together, how their alchemy grew up during the years, the flirting and the lovely skirmishes, the perfect harmony on the job and outside, the solid friendship and the reciprocal support, when did the pleasure of the reciprocal company turned into a need she couldn't tell. The idea of loosing all this was utterly painful but even worse was the thought of getting him into this huge trouble. He would have done anything to help her regardless the consequences and she couldn't allow it.

She swallowed trying to look him in the eyes, making an effort to keep the tears, to turn her feeble trembling voice into an audible sound "Derek, believe me I have got a huge amount of respect for you and a great affection… I know you want to help me, but this is really something I have to do alone, I cannot ask you to join me. It's…that's it"

He looked at her impassive, his jaw contracted a little, then slowly but with no hesitation he got up and without saying a word he headed toward the door.

Emily stared at him while the tears were finally filling her eyes, now she could let her frustration go.

Just in front of the door he stopped abruptly, his hands crossed over his head, he nervously paced back and forth a few times, trying to resolve on what to do. Despite his exasperation he couldn't let go, just for the satisfaction of proving that he was even more stubborn than her.

He walked back to the living room on the verge of fury, in his eyes the determination of who is not willing to loose the game, no matter what. He pointed his forefinger at her and burst out with a scene "You are the most stubborn, selfish, impossible, messed up, masochistic woman I've ever met in my life. One day you open up to me, the day after you run away, one day we make plans for the future, the day after you start on a lonely crusade for god knows what top-secret assignment… And don't you dare telling me that you are ok with that, because you are sinking, you are not even believable, you are the worst liar I have ever met and you go on relentlessly keeping things from me like if you didn't know that it doesn't work, it's proved you can't fool me. I am Prentiss-proof! " For the first time since they met Derek Morgan was rising his voice with her "Now if you want me out of your life you tell me now, and I promise I won't be back. But if this is some kind of twisted, warped way to protect me, well Agent Prentiss I have got a shocking news for you, I am an adult man able to take my decisions by myself and I don't need parental-control-like protection from you. I want to put myself into troubles, then I do it with or without your consent!" He took a step back, inhaled for the first time since he started shouting and regained an inch of self control "Now you wanna tell me what's going on?" his voice placated, his eyes almost begging. It was the last chance, no more ways he could think of to make her understand how much he cared.

Emily was staring at him almost paralyzed. Now are you gonna tell him or keep the stubborn proud facade and let him go forever? Was the unspoken comment of Emily-second.

"Fine I'll tell you what this is about but you promise you'll stay out of it" she said drying her eyes, her voice still unstable.

"No" he answered, still tension in his voice.

She rolled her eyes back, and finally surrendered. "Just to be clear, I am not giving up because I agree or because I am less stubborn than you, it's just because…" she paused for a second to gather the courage to speak up the truth.

"What?" he urged standing in front of her, short in patience.

"… I don't wanna lose you" she said her voice cracking into a whimper.

He processed Emily's words for few seconds, standing still, then he relaxed his muscles and let go the tension "Woman, I swear you'll drive me crazy", he sighed deeply and sat beside her.


Emily recounted the whole absurd day she lived, the meeting with Mohannad, Strauss' veiled blackmailing and the way she found herself trapped in a squalid political game. The negligent work of the incompetent and narrow-minded Detective Bronco, the interrogation of Saed and the compelling feeling it arose in her, then the diary and the letter, the ominous news about Saed's death and finally the confrontation with Mohannad. "I cannot just turn my back to this story and pretend it never happened. I owe Saed the dignity of the truth, at least that. And I don't care if in order to do that I have to cross the boundaries and risk my career.." she concluded in a compelling tone.

"Emily…"

"Look Derek, we see horrible things, we deal with the most deviant minds, we stare at the abyss daily. What brings me back home with my mental balance still in one piece every time is knowing that I have myself and that, no matter what I see, nothing is going to take away who I really am, my integrity, my honesty. Because at the end of the day this is all we are left with. If I gave up on this I couldn't see any difference anymore between me and the monsters we chase. I need to do the right thing, despite the consequences"

Derek chuckled, a smile coming up to his eyes and started where she interrupted him before "as I said Emily I am going to stand by your side"

There was no way to persuade him not to join her in this suicidal crusade.

"You have to tell Hotch" he insisted "he doesn't know anything about this story, Strauss just hinted at a translation job she was requiring you for, he had no idea you were sold to a political game. He and the rest of the team will stand by your side"

"But Morgan, this is exactly what I want to avoid. Having all of you risking your career and more for a case that…"

"Em, we're a team, we have each others back, always" he closed the conversation.


The sun filtering through the curtains woke up Emily. She just remembered telling him to stay and then at some point sleep overcame both. She extended her hand to the other side of the bed to find it empty, whispers coming from the living room.

Morgan was standing in the kitchen, a cup of coffee in one hand and his phone in the other "Baby girl, you know you rock, don't you? I love you Beautiful! See you later" he greeted Garcia laughing flirtatiously.

Listening to Morgan and Garcia flirting and mocking each other never failed to make Emily smile, she was frankly amazed by their never-ending repertoire.

When he noticed her he smiled back and pulled her closer kissing her gently on her forehead; he smelled like sun and coffee.

"It's nice having you around again" she smiled finding her way through his arms.

"You say that just because I made you coffee" he mocked her

"Yep, I see that. Are you trying to bribe me in some way?" she went on the same line

"No, just to smooth you" he said still keeping her close

"Morgan?"

"I called Hotch and hinted him something about your case, the team is coming back from the field, they'll be at the BAU in few hours. In the meanwhile I called Garcia to run a control on your friend Mohannad, Saed Qasem and Sheriff Bronco" he said this last name with a note of irony remembering the description given by Emily, "I have to say I really want to meet him. I also would like to go through the diary again but there I need you because Arabic was not my favorite subject in high school."

She chuckled and cracked a smile, "Why are you in such a good mood today Agent Morgan?" she nudged him in the shoulder.

"I don't know, nothing particular… I slept well, I woke up with a beautiful Princess at my side. You know, ordinary stuff"

"Uh, a Princess! Tell me more about her" she played along with a flirty smile.

"Well, let me see. She's beautiful, her hair is like ebony and her skin alabaster, her eyes could charm anyone… but she's awfully stubborn and pigheaded and she's definitely a tomb boy with the innate ability to put herself into troubles and refusing chronically any help. She is basically impossible.." he chuckled satisfied with his description.

She pulled him away, looked him with a scolding glare and then grunted "Ah, and you claim to be a profiler?" she finally headed out of the kitchen after elbowing him.

"Hey, stop hurting my ego! I am a hell of a profiler and you are impossible as a matter of fact" he replied displaying a grimace of resent.

"Well this hell of a profiler just burnt his chance to join the beautiful Princess in the shower" she yelled him back showing him her tongue and disappeared into the bathroom just in time to see his disappointed grimace turning into real worry.

"Hey Princess! That's not funny, and not even fair. Come on!" he protested running to the bathroom's door before she could close it completely.

She laughed amused and dragged him into the bathroom, thinking that actually those would be the last cheerful and playful moments before going back to Saed's case. She thought about the diary and the woman those letters were addressed to, she would have never seen her lover anymore.

She felt incredibly and unfairly lucky while closing the door of the bathroom behind her and Derek.