It hadn't really hit him hard, which he knows is terrible. He knows. But it wasn't until he understood his own role in her story that he could feel bad. Surprisingly the awareness of guilt came from Shaun. All it took were the words, "Hey man, Rachel hasn't been around in a few weeks, everything okay? Broadway hasn't come and stole her away early have they?" Then he was sitting there crying, sobbing really.
Because what he'd done was suddenly shown to him. He had brought her here, here, when she'd lost her voice. Acted like her not having a voice was trivial, instead of life-threatening, dream threatening. He knew what all she went through and he ignored it, he patronized her. Bringing her here, then, was an insult. He attempted to show her life wasn't that bad, when he really just emphasized how bad it was. He told her clearly that she had no one who understood her, no one who heard her.
He'd been the one who kept choosing Quinn. The things he'd said, make him cringe now. How he bribed her with false hope to get her back to Glee (really for her it was just cruelty in a confined space, unable to escape the people who treated her the worst, and acting like it never hurt). He should have been (but he wasn't, not ever) someone who could be a safe place that she could have been honest with, that facades were thrown down for the sake of knowing one another fully.
But who he was. . .he was the one who had taunted her while having a girlfriend and then did nothing, while she tried to date him. He forgot just about all their dates (because someone might have seen them together). And broke up with her because Santana and Brittany wanted him (Santana had always thought he was an idiot, and talked to him as such. She'd always intimidated him. And Brittany was just a girl. A girl who kissed everyone). They were jerks to him, but he followed Shue's advice (maybe he should have recognized the divorcee wasn't the best one to emulate). Then he tried to undermine Jesse, the jerk. (But he wasn't any better, his conscience screamed).
Shaun had helped him find all that guilt that he hadn't felt. He was responsible. . .in the last year, maybe he was the most responsible. (Why did you bring me here, Finn? rings loudly in his ears.)
