I do not own Doctor Who or anything related.
Commentator: Merry Christmas my Earth bound and companion wannabe friends and a happy New Year to the latest instalment of Doctor Who Abridged, which just happens to have the first Christmas special! Which is suitable given that it is Christmas at the moment! See people! Anonymius had it planned out all along!
Professor: Um, Sir, Christmas was like two weeks ago.
Commentator: It's still the twelfth day of Christmas! Which, interestingly enough used to be a very festive time!
Professor: (Sir, you're just trying to cover up the fact that Anonymius has been inactive for the past-)
Commentator: (Shh! Just go with it, Prof! And he hasn't been completely inactive! He updated 'Harry Potter and the Blood traitor' didn't he?)
Professor: (Yes. And that did so well)
Commentator: Ahem, so before we being let's take a look at some of the reviews you sent us. Professor! Open the shoot!
Professor: Why?
Commentator: Huh?
Professor: Sir, it's been almost a year since Anonymius had even update this fic, do you really think the people who reviewed it have still been reading this all this time waiting for him to send the next chapter?
Commentator: It could happen! I mean it was still doing well hits wise last month! And besides the last review was only sent only about six months ago!
Professor: Wow. That is pretty recent.
Commentator: Are you going to be like this all chapter?
Professor: Unlike you Sir I never got the chance to vent out my frustration that we've been inactive for most of the year.
Commentator: I never knew fanfiction meant that much to you Prof.
Professor: It doesn't. I just like to point out how Anonymius hasn't written in a long time. Besides you know how uncomfortable limbo is. It's nothing like the limbo in inception, it's quite tight spaced!
Commentator: Look, let's just get on with the chapter and make up for lost time, okay? Now open the shoot!
(The Professor does so.)
Commentator: Huh? Where are the reviews?
Professor: Apparently there aren't any. Wait hold on!
(Gets a broom)
Professor: I think it's been so long we've opened it, nothing's coming out.
(Puts broom up the shoot)
Professor: AAAH!
(Gets flooded with loads of envelopes)
Commentator: Wow, we got more reviews for the last chapter than I thought! Our first review is from Jcogginsa:
who's eric yamaru
Commentator: (Smiles) Ah. I'm glad someone asked about this. In a-wait a minute, I don't recall Yamara getting mentioned in 'Doctor Who Abridged'!
Professor: That's because he wasn't. It's been so long since the shoot's been opened that some of the reviews from the other fics got mixed up. Hold on (Checking through the envelopes) Right. Removed the Heroes envelopes. I'll just move put them aside for the time Anonymius writes the next chapter. Which will probably be never.
Commentator: Shut up! Ahem, okay, so who is the first review from?
Professor: It's from 'Queen of the lands, and it says 'Yup. Still funny :) I really do hope you get round to reviewing series 3 because, seriously, I need some of this brand of humour in my life :)'
Commentator: Oh don't worry we intend to do series 3. If Anonymius gets to it that is. What's another one?
Professor: This one is from Ace of Gallifrey:
Thou hast made my life complete with this awesomeness.
Commentator: Ah yes, the middle English we wrote the Daleks' speech in in the first chapter. It meant the chapter took longer to publish, as well as putting Heroes Abridged on a halt as well.
Professor: What's Anonymius' excuse this time?
Commentator: He got a job.
Professor: Oh.
Commentator: Ah, here's another one from Ace of Gallifrey:
Series Two with Rose's Extremely Annoying Attachment To The Smexy Doctor Parody tiem nao?
(No, I can't believe I just typed that either. Be ashamed of me.)
Oh no we could never be ashamed of our reviewers! Except the ones who are complete arseholes who go heavy on the criticism and saying we shouldn't be writing whatever they're reviewing.
Sammy: Our fourth review is from Countrygrl:
Pahahaha! This = gold.
Commentator: Why thank you, Countrygrl,. And here's another one from her where she says its get better.
Professor: And here's a third where she loves how we made fun of the dancing metaphor in 'The doctor dances' and how she found it odd how the Doctor made such a huge thing about nobody dying despite being World War Two.
Commentator: Well it's not like people surviving in a 'Doctor Who' story tends to happen. Let alone come back from the dead. Is there any episode where they come back from the dead?
Professor: None that I can think of, I've never watched the entire series. Though there was the tv movie.
Commentator: Episodes, Prof, not tv movies.
Sammy: Our next review is from Roma 810:
This was a great parody, I loved the way you kept on using star trek
Commentator: Wait, when did we use Star Trek?
Professor: You remember, Sir? When we compared the Gas Mask people to the Borg?
Commentator: Oh right. That. Ahem, Our next review is from thegirlin the dress13:
Pleeeeeeaaaaasssseeee add some more to this!
Your stories are hilarious! I'm currently reading the Harry Potter Abridged story again for the fourth time!
Commentator: Ah yes, the Harry Potter Abridged. The one that started it all.
Professor: Didn't Anonymius plan to actually do a parody of the last two films?
Commentator: He'll get there eventually!
Professor: Riiiiight. Anyway, our final review-
(Drummers do a drum roll)
Professor: -Yes, thank you for that. Ahem, our final review is from ksm:
Lots of fun! Thanks for posting.
Commentator: Why thank you Ksm. And without further ado, here's 'The Christmas Invasion of New Earth'.
How did this happen to me? One minute I'm having the time of my life, travelling through time and space, going to other planets, (Occaisionally) meeting strange new alien civilizations (Well, rarely. Come to think of it looking back despite having a time machine that could take us anywhere we seem to spend most of our time around the same planet, and even when we were off world it was either in the vicinity of Earth or related to Earth. I mean he took all his other companions (Still mad he even had those!) to other alien worlds to have adventures, what does that say about me! Was I not special enough to him? I-
Commentator: Um, Rose, I'd hate to interrupt your rant. I mean, I love a good rant now and again but I really think you're going off topic here.
Huh? Oh right, Sorry! Ahem, the next I'm stranded in a parallel universe waiting at a shore!
After regenerating, I brought the Doctor back home. Upset that the man I knew was gone and that this new Doctor wouldn't want me and that he wouldn't measure up to the previous Doctor and the sudden change in character only after the first of the new series would put off viewers, London was invaded by aliens. Thankfully, though, we had Harriet Jones as the new Prime Minister, who seemed to be setting up this joke that she would just introduce herself to everyone she met for the first time even though they knew who she was
Aide: The Americans demand to know what's happening.
Harriet Jones: Maybe you should remind the Americans that Britain is not the fifty first state (Yet) and that the special relationship does not mean one bullies the other.
Aide: Well done Miss Jones. An excellent decision.
Harrite Jones: Hey. I'm just giving a prime minister the people want.
Aide: And your commitment to the will of the people will surely lead you to have a long fruitful political career.
Thankfully though the Doctor woke up, and not only saved London from the aliens, but also proved that he was just as good as the previous Doctor, perhaps even better.
(Somewhere in the U.S. a homeless guy is screaming 'DAMN YOU DAVID TENNANT!')
Just when the aliens were leaving, however, Harriet ordered the ship destroyed.
Harriet Jones: We had to send a message.
Doctor: And who was supposed to hear this message? In space, no one can hear you scream!
Harriet Jones: -Oh! That's right! Um….whoops?
Doctor: Whoops? WHOOPS? You murder an entire ship of sentient beings and all you can say is whoops?
Harriet Jones: Well what else do you want me to say?
Doctor: I don't know! Do you have any idea what you've done? At least my message would have reached someone! Because you destroyed them in the vaccum of space people will probably just assume they ran into an asteroid field and people will still come invading Earth on an annual basis!
Harriet Jones: Okay, I probably did not think this murdering for the greater good through.
Doctor: Jeez, ya think?
Harriet Jones: Look, so I committed a little mass murder, you're not going to judge my whole Prime Ministry on one tiny mistake, are you?
Doctor: Yes. Yes I am. And now, I'm going to end your Prime Ministry- using nothing but six words.
Harriet Jones: No, no! Anything but that! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
And so, because the Doctor asked an aide if the prime minister looked tired, this somehow leads to parliament thinking she is no longer fit to run the country, cutting Britain's golden age short.
Rose: Well, that's another golden age for humanity you've screwed up, Doctor. How many has that been now? Five?
Doctor: Hey shut up! So I got rid of the best Prime Minister Britain was ever gonna have? So I stopped her from restoring faith in politicians? So I stopped her from improving the NHS and health care and poverty and unemployment and bringing up the standard of living in the world? So I stopped her from turn Britain into a global economic and military power? So I prevented her from saving Britain from the worst recession the world would see since the Great Depression? So I stopped her from saving the planet from a race of metaphorically paedophilic aliens using nothing more than a fire extinguisher and a monkey wrench? I got back at someone I didn't like and that's what counts!
Rose: But are you sure that getting rid of Harriet Jones was the best decision? I mean, what if her replacement is a psychopath or a machiavellan obsessed with keeping secrets at all cost?
Doctor: Pfft, like that's gonna happen!
Rose: Well at least we know now that if we're not happy with a way the government is going all we need to do is find the prime minister's aide, whisper something negative to them and get the prime minister all paranoid!
And so, after Christmas dinner, we all watched the ash from the destroyed alien ship float down on us.
Doctor: This is the beginning of a new age. No one can deny aliens now. Everyone's seen it.
(Everybody looks at him)
Doctor: Yep. No more scepticism for the human race any more.
(Everybody looks even harder at him)
Doctor: I mean it! There will be no more 'there's no such thing as aliens' ever again!
(Everyone still stare at him)
Doctor: (Sigh) You people are the sculliest race I've ever met!
After Christmas, the Doctor took me to a new adventure.
Doctor: You know Rose, I don't think I've been fair to you. I mean, there's a whole universe out there, yet all last year I just took you to Earth, Earth, and more Earth. Not that there's anything wrong with Earth. Earth is useful. You can grow a lot of things in Earth.
Rose: That's not true, Doctor. Not all of our adventures were on Earth.
Doctor: No, but they were in the vicinity of Earth.
Rose: What about the raco-the racocino- the Slitheen planet?
Doctor: Well that was off screen. So I think it's time I took you somewhere other than Earth. On-screen that is.
Rose: Oh finally! So where are we going?
Doctor Who: New Earth.
Rose: -New Earth?
Doctor: What do you think?
Rose: So, you're just going to take me to a different Earth?
Doctor: Um, yes.
Rose: So, it will just be like going to Earth, except it's somewhere else?
Doctor: Now that's a bit unfair, Rose. It is a different planet!
Rose: But with an Earth-like society.
Doctor: Well, pretty much, yes.
Rose: Doctor, would it kill you for once to take me somewhere that isn't Earth related? Onscreen that is?
Doctor: Whoa whoa whoa we've only known each other for a year! Don't you think it's a little too soon?
Rose: Oh fine. Just as long as you promised to take me on an adventure that isn't Earth or human related.
Doctor: Well here we are. New New York
Rose: New New York? Are we going to run into Bender and Fry and Leela and have adventures in outer space delivering packages to deadly alien races?
Doctor: Yes, yes, get it out of your system.
While the Doctor is summoned upstairs in the hospital, I get escorted to the basement, where I meet someone I didn't expect to see again
Rose: Cassandra? Didn't you die in the second episode of the new series?
Cassandra: It's true that my face tore apart, but thankfully because my body couldn't house my brain I was able to survive.
Rose: -Huh. Really? Well I'm impressed!
Cassandra: What is the technology of my ressurection that impressive?
Rose: Oh no It's just that as far as retconned deaths go yours is pretty plausible in comparison to most! Magical bullet that sends your consciousness into the past. Huh!
Cassandra: And now I'm going to possess your body in order to fulfil my lifelong dream of being a teenage girl. In Britain!
Rose: I'm twenty now.
Cassandra: Oh. Oh well, beggars can't be choosers!
While possessed by Cassandra, I meet up with the Doctor again, and investigate the hospital, discovering a terrible secret. However, the Doctor also confront the cat nurses about something else.
Doctor: What have you done to Rose?
Rose: What are you talking about, I'm fine!
Doctor: Lady, there are so many reasons why you're not your normal self, it's not even funny!
Rose: Oh sod! You know if you were one of the Charmed Ones I could have fooled you indefinitely!
Doctor: Unluckily for you I'm smarter than the average Charmed One. Plus I have better writers. I mean who are you?
Fortunately though, after escaping zombies, they are reverted back to normal before they attack the evolutionary offshoot of humans, who look exactly like modern humans come to think of it. No lack of hair or larger heads or anything!
Doctor: Isn't it brilliant, Rose/Cassandra? A whole new race! Think of the possibilities!
Cassandra/Rose: But, wouldn't the introduction of a new sapient race without any homes cause huge social issues and a big ethical controversy? Like what probably happened in the aftermath of 'The Island'?
Doctor: Details, details! Now kindly get the f**k out of Rose!
Cassandra/Rose: But I don't want to die!
Doctor: Tough, you've had your time.
Cassandra/Rose: Well I'm not going so what are you going to do about it?
Doctor: Stand here and stare at you until you give in.
Cassandra/Rose: Oh yeah. That sounds really effective!
Cassandra however escaped in Chip's body, but due to all the excitement he starts to die, but not before we bring him-her- whatever, back to the past to meet his/her- whatever! Past self.
Rose: Well that ending was pretty much of a bummer! I hope we don't make a habit of it.
Doctor: Yes. A series that gets into the habit of bumming the audience out every episode is sure to suffer ratings wise.
Rose: Do you think we'll see Cassandra again?
Doctor: Oh we're bound to! If she came back from the dead before, I'm sure she can do it before!
Commentator: Um, actually-
Doctor: SHH!
After that we-
Clock: TING!
Commentator: Sorry Rose, you're out of time. You'll have to finish your story in a fortnight.
Rose: A FORTNIGHT?
Commentator: give or take.
Rose: Oh fine!
What further adventures await Rose and the Tenth Doctor? Will Rose get to finish her story next time? Will we ever have a storyline that moves beyond the human centric feeling of the New 'Doctor Who'? Find out next time on Doctor Who Abridged!
Rose: What about the Raco-the Racocino- the Slitheen planet?
Doctor: No Rose, it's not called the Slitheen planet. It's called Raxacoricofallaptorius. That's like calling Earth the Obama planet or the Cameron planet.
Rose: Well how is anyone supposed to remember what it's called? And I feel like that is deliberate on the hand of the writers!
Doctor: Hmm. You may have a point. Let me try something experimental to help you remember. (Puts on a striped hat and grabs a cane) Iiiiiiiiit's called Planet Raxacoricofallapatorius, even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious, but if you say it repeatedly it will be ingrained in your subconscious, (Dances) and that is Raxacoricofallapatorius!
(Curtains rise, revealing a band of Raxacoricofallapatorians, dancing like robots rapidly)
Raxacoricofallapatorians: Um didililye um diye um didililye um diye um didililye um diye um didililye um diye!
Doctor: I've travelled round the universe and everywhere I went, you hear such convoluted words that make you want to vent, but never have I heard a name that sounds really precocious, and that is Raxacoricafallapatorious!
(The Raxacoricofallapatorians now play Edwardian instruments)
Raxacoricofallapatorians: Um didililye um diye um didililye um diye um didililye um diye um didililye um diye!
Doctor: About nine hundred years ago when I was just a lad, I was told about a great planet by my dear old Dad, a paradise where every kind of plant you can name grows, with the biggest name you've ever heard and this is how it goes, the planet's name's Raxacoricofallapatorius, even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious, but if you say it repeatedly it will be ingrained in your subconscious, (Dances) and that is Raxacoricofallapatorius!
Raxacoricofallapatorians: Um didililye um diye um didililye um diye um didililye um diye um didililye um diye!
Doctor: You know if you say it backwards you get Riousropalafalcaricoaxar. (Notices Rose's shocked look) But that would be going too far (Rose's face is still frozen). So if you happen to travel there for a spot of lunch, you'd find the locals on the whole are quite a pleasant bunch, but never call them the Slitheen, cos it could cost your life.
Raxacoricofallapatorian: For example?
Doctor: -Yes?
Raxacoricofallapatorian: Well, one night a drunken guy called everyone Slitheens, and his back ended up with a knife.
(Feeling of shock is felt in the atmosphere)
Raxacoricofallapatorian: He'll think twice about assuming all Raxacoricofallapatorians are criminals.
(Shocked feeling is still hanging in the air)
Raxacoricofallapatorians: Itttttttt's called planet Raxacoricofallapatorius, the planet Raxacoricofallapatorius,
Doctor: The planet Raxacoricofallapatorius,
Raxacoricofallapatorians: THE PLANET RAXACORICOFALLAPATORIUUUUUS!
(Continue to play before the curtains fall)
Doctor: So Rose, do you think you can remember the name now?
Rose: Well sure !Um, um Raxa-raxa-er, ?
Doctor: Ah damnit!
(Smashes cane on nearby wall)
Doctor: And now I broke my favourite cane.
