As strange as it sounds, the next five years passed by very quickly. Joseph was working hard to ensure both my and Amelia's safety. This required him to be away for long periods of time. Each time he left, I found myself missing him more and more; he was such an integral part of my life. While he was keeping us safe, I worked hard to prepare Amelia and the country for each other. It had been a long time since the country had had such a young ruler and I wanted to be sure that it transpired with little to no hiccups along the way.

Before we knew it, the day had arrived; Amelia's twenty-first birthday was upon us and a huge celebration ball was being thrown in her honor. I had selected my dress carefully as I knew I wanted to please Joseph. He had been away for weeks this time as it was the last time before Mia would come to stay in Genovia and shortly begin her reign as Queen. I was ready…ready to step down…ready to start my new life…ready to go down a long awaited road with Joseph.

I stepped from my suite, garnering an appreciate gaze from both the doorman and my ladies' maids.

"You look stunning, your Majesty." Felix offered before he pressed his earpiece and added, "The Eagle is flying."

I smiled my thanks to him, nodded and then hastened down the hallway to where I knew Joseph would be waiting for me. As I rounded the corner, I saw him. He looked positively stunning in his tuxedo. I decided to be a bit flirtatious and spun around to offer him the full effect of the dress. My efforts paid off as he took my hand and simply stated, "Beautiful."

Before I could say anything further than murmur my appreciation for his compliment, he continued. "But – you're late, your Majesty."

I smiled grandly and explained. "A Queen is never late – everyone else is…simply early." I couldn't help but reach out and touch his cheek, my affection for him clearly evident on my face. Charlotte was such a dear and quickly averted her gaze to provide me with at least the illusion of privacy.

I could feel the heat from both his stare and his hand as he guided me into the ballroom. I felt a small thrill run through me as I knew the end was in sight…Within a very short time, Mia would be crowned Queen and Joseph and I would be together. Less than twenty four hours later…I realized exactly how wrong that thought had been…

OoOoOo

To say my situation went from bad to worse…would be a serious understatement. Starting with my trouble with Parliament…although I must admit that responding to Viscount Mabry's assertions about his nephew with Mia's trademark "Shut up!!" was fairly satisfying. My satisfaction was fleeting though as Mia's trials and tribulations continued to add up to spell disaster for her future as our Queen.

Those worries, along with having Nicholas now living at the Palace and Mia's seeming inability to stay away from the young man, weighed heavily on me and I asked Joseph to accompany me for a walk.

"I'm told this Lord Deveraux is a native born Genovian…recently graduated Cambridge, gourmet cook, plays polo and rugby, and is known as quite a ladies' man." Joseph explained.

"She was in a closet?" I couldn't believe the rumors I had overheard.

"With him. Yes."

I sighed. I had to know his thoughts. "Does she have the makings of a Queen?"

He didn't hesitate before answering me. "Well, she's young, but I've always believed in her!"

"The wedding invitations have been sent out. She and Andrew make a fine pair, I think. She's very set on it, you know."

We arrived at the gazebo and I noticed Joseph seemed a little distracted. "Clarisse, my dear, forget the wedding for a moment." He cleared his throat. I could tell he seemed very anxious in my presence, which was very odd. "In less than a month, you will no longer be Queen, and I will no longer be your head of security."

I nodded my head in agreement at his statements. I was totally taken aback by what he said next. "I think it's time we bring our friendship out of the shadows."

I wasn't sure what to say…with all of the drama going on in the palace, my personal life had taken a back seat. Joseph and I had spent precious little private time together. I found it hard to speak. "Oh, Joseph, I…"

"Yes? Yes, my dear. I would kneel if it weren't for my knee replacement."

He was such a dear and always made me smile – no matter the circumstances. I cared deeply for him; I just wasn't sure that now was the best time. With the Viscount breathing down my neck, threatening to wrestle the throne away from my family…it just didn't seem that the timing was right. I tried to explain my hesitance. "Joseph, there's a wedding to be planned. Mia needs to win over the people of Genovia, all in less than thirty days."

"Perhaps it's time to consider the duty you have to yourself."

I withdrew my hand from his. My face was a mixture of sadness and resignation…I had never been good at the duty I had to myself – it rarely seemed to outweigh the duty I had to others. Also, I remembered with astounding clarity, how my body had responded the last time Joseph and I had allowed ourselves to "lose control" somewhat. While I believed in my heart of hearts that he was the man for me; I was afraid that history might repeat itself and then I might lose Joseph forever. I couldn't think of one intelligent thing to say, so I simply replied, "Oh…"

"Clarisse…my darling, please think about it. Please?"

My heart saddened considerably as I cupped his cheek, his eyes closing in response, reminding me of happier times that we shared. I gave him a small promise – it was the best I could offer. "I will."

OoOoOo

Things continued to worsen over the next week; the situation with Mia and Nicholas continued to escalate. This turn of events led me to do something I hadn't done in years…I raised my voice; at my own granddaughter, no less. I didn't want to do it; but my kind cajoling and guidance had not done the trick. I was upset with her lack of control; I was upset with Joseph and his security team for not doing a better job of keeping Mia out of trouble…although I had to admit they should not have to baby-sit a future Queen. Most of all, I was upset with myself. Everything was falling apart at the seams and I found myself, once again, pushing myself in an effort to hold it all together.

A few days later, I gave the ultimate sacrifice as I told the only man that I had ever really cared about that I couldn't allow our relationship to go to the next level. I saw the hurt in his eyes and it broke my heart. I watched him walk out of the room. I knew at that defining moment that unless something drastically changed, he would be walking out of my life forever.

I didn't want that to happen – God knows I didn't; but I also didn't know what else I could do. My past still haunted me and I feared that I would never escape it. Then there was my duty – that horrible word that had plagued me my entire life and forced me to endure things that no one should have to experience. My duty dictated that I push my personal feelings aside and move on.

I promised myself I would make every effort to do that…but I would do that tomorrow. Tonight, I would grieve for the loss of the other half of my soul.

OoOoOo

Mia's wedding started out in what I had come to accept as true "Mia style". From her staying out all night with Nicholas only a couple of days before her wedding, to her hasty retreat out of the church. I followed her, asking Charlotte to handle the crowd. My heart broke as I found her, crying, obviously torn between the duty she had to her country and the duty she had to herself. I could relate well to that dilemma…

I knew I had to let her know that the choice was hers…this was a defining moment in HER life and she needed to choose carefully. "I made my choices – duty to my country over love…and now I've lost the only man I ever really loved." I turned to follow Mia's gaze and found Joseph standing nearby, ready to protect us from the crowds or provide whatever assistance was needed. My dear Joseph…even though he would be leaving soon and his heart was broken, he still upheld his duty.

I refocused on my granddaughter. "Mia, I want you to make your choices as a woman. Don't make the same mistakes I did. Make your own mistakes – there'll be plenty of them, believe me." I smiled at her. Perhaps I couldn't repair all the damage I had done to my own personal life; but I could certainly do everything in my power to ensure Mia had a better chance at happiness.

"Now you can go back into that church and get married or you can walk away. Whatever choice you make, let it come from your heart."

OoOoOo

Less than thirty minutes later, my granddaughter – my future Queen – had successfully won her first vote in Parliament; overturning a law that had been in existence for hundreds of years. I was impressed – to say the least.

I watched as Mia summoned Lionel; a moment later Charlotte handed me her earpiece. I heard her voice confidently proclaim. "Grandma? Just because I didn't get my fairytale ending…doesn't mean you shouldn't!"

What was Amelia thinking? I just couldn't ask Joseph to marry me…right here – right now! Could I? I had spent my entire life trying to ensure that everyone else got what they needed. Should I, for once, go after what I wanted? What I needed? I decided I would see if Charlotte had any thoughts on this. She was, after all, my best friend – next to Joseph, of course. "Did you hear that?"

Charlotte beamed at me; but was of little help. So this was it…a defining moment…possibly my last chance at happiness. I threw caution and my fears regarding my past to the wind and walked over to the center aisle. "Joseph."

I watched him come to stand before me. He bowed slightly as he knew all eyes in the church were now upon us. "Your Majesty."

I wanted him to know that I was not addressing him as his Queen; but rather as his friend – the "someone he had wanted to spend the rest of his life with…" as he had informed me only a few days ago. I softened my features and smiled. "Dear Joseph."

His eyebrow cocked slightly to indicate his confusion. "Am I too late to ask you to accept my hand in marriage?" My voice was soft; but confident. If I was going to do this…I was going to do it right. Well, at least as right as it could be under these circumstances.

I held my breath and waited for what seemed an eternity. I couldn't blame him if he rejected me. I was hoping, though, that he would not respond with the same sentiment I had expressed previously to him. He cleared his throat and said, "Well, I thought you'd never ask!"

My smile reached new heights as he took off his top hat and earpiece and turned to his second in command. "Shades, you're in charge now. Good luck with Lionel. I'm going to a wedding." He took his place beside me and extended his arm to escort us down the aisle.

I felt the stares of what seemed to be a thousand eyes watching us. I felt compelled to say something…anything to lighten the mood. "I know it was short notice; but you were all dressed." In retrospect, it was rather lame; but what's done is done. Even a Queen is allowed a less than shining moment now and again.

Mia was waiting for us at the front of the church. She smiled at me as she took the bouquet Charlotte had given me at the beginning of our walk. I knew it was up to me to keep the ceremony moving. "My Lord Arch Bishop, I would like to take this man as my husband…if you please."

Laughter resounded from the audience and Joseph and I were somewhat shocked as the Archbishop responded by lifting his eyes to the heavens and simply replying, "Finally!"

Our vows were exchanged and my breath caught in my throat as Joseph took my hand, slipped the ring on my finger, and said, "With this ring…I thee, finally, wed."

The rest of the world faded away as I heard the Archbishop instruct, "I pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride."

OoOoOo

I stood surveying my reflection in the full length mirror. Joseph would be returning any moment and I wanted to be ready. I felt as nervous as a schoolgirl on her first date; my expectations were high. I really believed that tonight would be the night I would finally put the pain and ugliness of my private past behind me and move forward to a wonderful new life with Joseph.

My champagne colored negligee had a v-cut front with tiny jewels sewn into the bodice; the criss-cross pattern lifted and accented everywhere my body needed that extra little help. The skirt portion fell to just above my knees and wrapped around leaving a nice slit up the side of my leg. I nervously tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and made my way back to the sitting room. I was slightly startled as I heard a husky voice state, "Oh Clarisse…you look amazing; far better than my dreams."

I turned in the direction of his voice and found my breath caught in my throat as I took in his masculine form. His short black robe was tied loosely at the waist allowing me a magnificent view of his well defined chest. Years of security work had ensured that he had kept his body in top form; I was thrilled that soon I would feel the hard planes of his body against the soft curves of mine. The black silk boxers gave way to muscular, tanned legs. I let my eyes drink in his form from top to bottom. "You look pretty good yourself, sir."

He closed the distance between us and gently kissed me; his hands caressing my back. I broke the kiss and looked up at him. "Dance with me?"

"Here? Now?" He asked.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled his body flush with mine. My voice was low and seductive as I swayed against him. "Yes…here…now."

His arms encircled my waist and held me close as he moved with me. "Yes, ma'am."

As we moved in time to the music, hands and mouths lightly explored any available areas slowly building the fires of passion. I felt something else building in me that I had not experienced before: Need. I needed Joseph unlike I had needed anything else before in my life. I felt a slight sense of desperation…if I could not find happiness and peace with Joseph; I knew I would never experience it in my lifetime…

Our touches became more urgent as the fire burned brighter deep within our souls; his advances bolder as his lips sought the familiar territory of my neck. My fingertips explored the broad expanse of his chest; enjoying the feel of his muscles rippling under my touch. My mouth sought out his "sweet spot" and the butterflies in my stomach began to beat their wings in time to the beat of Joseph's heart against my tongue.

I gasped as his strong arms scooped me up and carried me into the bedroom. The adrenalin rushed through my veins as he carefully laid me on the bed. He sat beside my prone from and began to gently caress my body. My eyes closed to focus on his warm hand slowly making its way over my body. Small whimpers and breaths escaped my lips as my pleasure mounted.

Suddenly and without warning, an image from long ago flashed unbidden in my mind. Sinister brown eyes drinking in the sight of my exposed body while foreign hands touched my virgin flesh. My eyes shot open and I was relieved to find soft blue eyes watching the contrast of his darker, tanned skin against the pale white of mine. His eyes found mine and he simply whispered, "My beautiful rose."

I reached up to cup his cheek and smile softly at him. He leaned down to kiss me while his hand resumed its exploration. My hands fell to my sides as he deepened the kiss and moved his body further onto mine. The images flashed again and I vividly recalled my attacker's body pressed up against mine. I had no idea why, after all these years, the memories would surface again with such intensity – this was over forty years later.

I silently cursed my mind and body for betraying my heart while pleading with myself to fight the panic that was slowly rising, threatening to ruin what was supposed to be the start of a new chapter in my life. My hands clenched the comforter as my efforts were diverted from pleasure to prevention…I did not want a repeat of my wedding night with Rupert. As Joseph broke the kiss, his lips sought access to my throat, alternating from kissing to whispering terms of endearments into my ear. I could no longer hear his voice; only the heavy breathing of my attacker as I relived my night of terror.

Such was my desire to hang on and get through this that I hadn't noticed that Joseph had stopped his activities. Through the fog in my mind, I heard the sound of my name being repeated, like a mantra. It took a moment for me to register that it was Joseph. "Clarisse? Clarisse!"

I forced my eyes open as the nightmare faded to black. I rolled onto my side away from Joseph's gaze; tears forming in my eyes as I realized that my one hope had just washed away like a wave washes into shore. His hand went to my shoulder. "Clarisse, what's wrong?"

I tried to compose myself. I laughed bitterly. "I told you, Joseph, every rose has its thorns."

"I'm sorry?"

I sighed. "No. It is I who am sorry. I'm afraid I always have this reaction. I had hoped it would be different this time; but, alas, it was not meant to be." I sat up, took a deep breath, and faced him. "If you just give me a minute, we can try again. You'll find it easiest if you just ignore me and, as they say, forge ahead." I attempted a smile, but he did not seem amused.

"Are you suggesting that I take you against your will?" he asked; the disbelief very evident in his voice.

I took another breath and tried to explain. "It's not against my will, Joseph. Please understand I want to be with you; my body just won't cooperate…it never has."

"I prefer that all of you be willing, Clarisse. And for you to think I would…"

It wasn't anger that I saw reflected in his eyes; but rather an intense hurt that I would even think he was capable of such atrocities. How could I explain to him that it was all I had ever known?

"I'm sorry." I offered.

"I don't want your pity, Clarisse. I want to know what happened to make you so afraid of me."

"It's not you…it's me."

"I won't do it, Clarisse." He stated with firm determination.

I stood and walked towards the bathroom. I turned and faced him, the sadness set deep within my features. "Then perhaps it would have been best if you had turned me down today; I won't be able to make you happy or be the wife you need."

I didn't hear his soft reply and, to be honest, was surprised to find him waiting for me in my bed. He lifted the blankets to provide me with easy access to my side of the bed. We laid there, in silence, for several long minutes. I feared that despair would grip my heart and never release me. Total despair was denied, though, as I felt Joseph's arm slip under me and pull me over to snuggle against his chest. I couldn't think of anything further to say that wouldn't make the situation worse; so I simply let my tears fall slowly onto his chest as his hand provided a comforting caress on my arm.

After several long minutes, he spoke. "I may not know many things, Clarisse; but I do know you. And I know that up until the very end, you were responding passionately to everything that was happening. I don't know what caused the sudden change; but I will be by your side and we will figure this out. I have spent the greater part of my life protecting you from harm and I have no intention of stopping now."

tbc