Three days before Christmas, all the smart people were already done with their shopping. Then there was Lieutenant Columbo.
It was late, it was dark, the house was quiet, he stuck his key in the door, turned the knob, poked his head in and called out in a half whisper, "Honey, where're the kids?"
Mrs. Columbo came towards the door and told him, "They went to bed an hour ago, where've you been?"
"I wanted to make sure they wouldn't be up when I got back," he answered as he stepped into the front hall.
"Frank," Mrs. Columbo said to him, "Tell me you got their presents."
"Oh I did, I got them," Columbo said.
"Good."
"But I forgot the list they made for me," he confessed.
"Frank!"
"It's alright, I remembered what they wanted."
Mrs. Columbo let out a sigh of relief, "Good."
"Only…" Columbo hesitated and told her, "I couldn't remember who wanted what."
"Oh no, Frank."
"Oh it's okay," he assured her, "I got two of everything just to make sure."
Now she was just laughing, "Frank!"
He disappeared back out the door and came back in with a large sack from the toy store, and explained, "I got two sets of roller skates, one in her size, one in his size, and I got two catcher's mitts, and two laser guns, and two little radios, oh, but I only got one doll because I'm pretty sure I know who wanted that one, so then to make sure they each get the same amount of presents, and they won't think we're playing any favorites, I got him an erector set, figure he can make something with it."
"Frank, he can probably make ten somethings out of it," his wife told him.
"Boy that's right, he's a bright kid, isn't he?" Columbo said as he put the sack down in the living room, "Course she's pretty smart too, maybe she could put something together from this too. Boy, you know, I always had so much fun with erector sets when I was a kid, erector sets and chemistry sets."
"Frank," his wife said.
"Oh right," he said, knowing he was just about to start on another one of his ramblings, "Uh, the tree, we gotta get the tree decorated."
"Very good, Lieutenant," his wife said teasingly, "You may go to the head of the class."
"Boy," Columbo slapped himself on the cheek as he looked at the seven foot tree in its stand boosted on a decorative crate, ornamentally speaking as naked as the first day it popped out of the ground, "We should've had this done up a week ago, I don't know where my head's been."
"Well you've been busy, Frank, the kids understand," his wife said as she handed him a string of lights to untangle, "Crime doesn't take a holiday, not even at Christmastime."
"Gee I know that's right," he responded as he ran the lights in and out of loops to unknot the cord, "I think there's more of it at Christmas. Of course some of it you can understand, people fall on hard times, they get desperate, they'd do anything to give their kids a nice Christmas. It's not excusable but you can understand it."
"Right," his wife said.
"Of course then there're others that you just can't understand whatsoever," Columbo said as he plugged the lights in and started stringing them around the tree, "People that steal Christmas ornaments, what are they thinking?"
His wife just shrugged as she handed him another string of lights.
"Break into somebody's house or car and steal all their presents," Columbo shook his head, "I really think they gotta be among the lowest of the low, to do that to another family at Christmas."
Mrs. Columbo just nodded and dug through the boxes of ornaments and dug out some silver tinsel garland.
"And then you get these people, stealing money from the Christmas charities, get people setting up fake charities so they can take all the money and run, that's just low. If people are going to steal, why don't…no," he shook his head, "I was going to say, if people are going to steal at Christmastime, why don't they steal from the rich people who don't help anybody, and before there's time to catch them, use the money to buy some food and presents for the poorer people? But even that wouldn't be right."
"Well maybe not right," Mrs. Columbo said as she watched her husband stand on a chair to put the star on the top of the tree, "But definitely understandable."
"Ha, true," he responded, "Alright, now pass me up the garland."
She did. As he wrapped it around the top branches he asked down to his wife, "So, who all's coming for Christmas, do we know yet?"
"Not yet," Mrs. Columbo told him, "But already we're going to have to set the table for 12."
"Hmm, in that case we gotta put another leaf in the table," Columbo said, "I'll help you with that before I go to work tomorrow."
"Frank, don't you dare touch that table," his wife said to him, "It's been in my family for 30 years already, and I expect it can easily last another 30 more without you ripping the legs off of it."
The Lieutenant was nonchalant as he responded, "I was still getting used to it then. That hasn't happened since we got married."
"And as long as you don't go near the table, I know it won't happen again," his wife said teasingly.
"Well if it would make you feel better, I'll let your brother help you pull it out and set it," Columbo said.
"That would be just fine, thank you," she responded.
Columbo got down off the chair and went around the tree with the garland until he got the last of it wrapped around the bottom. Then Mrs. Columbo came up with two boxes of colored glass bulbs and balls and gave one to him, and they set to work hanging the ornaments wherever they saw fit.
"You know we really ought to let the kids help with this next time," he said, "It's a lot of fun, I'm sure they'd get a kick out of it."
"Yes, we'll do that next time," Mrs. Columbo said, "Maybe next year we can get the tree earlier, you know you get a good one, and it'll last clear through to January."
"That'd be nice," he agreed, "Maybe next year won't be so busy." He looked at a small angel ornament as he stuck it up on a high branch, and for a moment he was mesmerized by it.
"Frank?"
"I was just thinking," he said, "You know, working homicide, I get called out on all unnatural deaths, including suicides because we don't know at first who's who and what's murder and what's suicide…"
"Right," his wife said.
"Lot of suicides at Christmastime, it's sad," he said as he shook his head somberly, "Doesn't make any sense."
His wife stood a foot away from him, a large colored ball in her hand, but she held onto it and watched him as he spoke.
"You know, I can understand how frustrating it would be if we were not as well off as we were, if we didn't have this," he pointed to the tree, "Or those," he pointed to the presents for the kids, "Or anything…but you know something, Rosie?"
"What, Frank?" she asked, with a small smile on her face, of confidence that her husband was about to say something simply remarkable.
"We'd still have each other," he said, "And that would be all that mattered to me. I hope that would be all that truly mattered to everyone else too."
Still with the colored ball in hand, Mrs. Columbo stepped over towards her husband and put her arms around him and said, "It'd be plenty for us, Frank, it'd be more than enough."
Columbo took a great comfort in the embrace and returned the favor and they stayed that way for about a minute, before he finally pulled back and said to his wife, "Even so…I got you an early Christmas present I want you to open tonight." He let go of her and went over to the sack of toys and pulled out a small gift wrapped box and gave it to her.
Mrs. Columbo eyed the box suspiciously, it came with its own little ribbon and bow on it, she pulled the ribbon off and took the lid off the box and saw it was a box for jewelry. Raising the lid, by the lights on the tree, she was able to see it was a white gold and sapphire ring, on a silver necklace.
"See I know any additional rings aren't very practical, especially when it's bowling night," Columbo told her, "So I got you one you can wear all day and it won't be on you finger."
"It's beautiful, Frank," his wife said as she threw her arms around him again, tighter this time, "Thank you."
He smiled and said softly to her, "Merry Christmas, dear."
