4

"What's bothering you, Eric? There's something you've been thinking about for the past few days that you won't tell me."

It was wrong of me to ambush him with this question so soon after intimacy, when he had let his guard down. If I hadn't asked it now, however, I did not know if he would ever share it with me.

"I…I don't want to your feelings to be hurt."

"Why would they be hurt?"

"They would be hurt if you knew what has plagued my mind recently."

"Please, tell me. My feelings will be hurt if you don't tell me. And you don't know if my feelings will be hurt by what you have to say, anyway."

"They will, but I shall tell you anyway. It's not right for you not to know." He laid back against the pillow, crossing his arms across his chest as he stared at the ceiling. "I have been thinking about how my relationship was with Sookie."

"Okay." His confession stung more than a little bit, but I had to know why. "What about it?"

"She left me because I couldn't give her two things: time together in the sun, and children." This was not new information, so I waited as patiently as I could for him to continue. "There is nothing I could do to give her the sun. I did not, however, do all I could to give her children." I wanted to stop him there and tell him that he was being ridiculous. Vampires, by definition, were dead, therefore they were infertile. He continued to speak, the words tumbling out of his mouth now that they had started coming. "Pam texted me a few days ago, telling me- most unnecessarily- that Sookie has given birth to the shape shifter's child. Since then, my mind has been turning over and over the reasons that I did not explore every avenue available to try to give her at least one of the things that she wanted, one that I might have been able to give her. I have come to the conclusion that I did not want to father her children; I suspect the allure of her faery blood addled my mind in respects to her, but my lucid mind clung to my true desires. Now that she's found what she was looking for, I am left feeling… I feel…I just feel inadequate."

"Eric." I whispered, my heart breaking for him.

"I am not inadequate!" He had propped himself up onto his elbow, facing me, his teeth clenched in the frighteningly intimidating way that he had when he was angry or threatened. I balked, his reaction unexpected. I was so caught off guard, tears leapt to my eyes, and began to spill over despite my efforts to dam them. Immediately, Eric softened, realizing his actions were too much for me. He squashed me to him, clutching me a little tighter than comfortably. "I am sorry, Lotus. I did not mean to frighten you. You are my heart, and I should remember that, no matter how terrible I am feeling."

"You are not inadequate because you cannot have children, Eric. I would never hold that against you."

"I know. One day soon, though, your body will ache to bear children, and I will not see you go childless on my account."

"Eric, what do you think you can do? Vampires are infertile-"

"And so are some humans, but that does not prevent them from conceiving children through science."

My shock translated to my face though I tried to hide it.

"In vitro fertilization. Do you really think that will work? That scientists can make your sperm viable?"

"I do not see why they could not. I've done research, and if a human man's body produces sperm until the day he dies, I should no longer have ejaculate. I have been dead a over a thousand years- a thirty year old human man could not have produced and stored enough ejaculate to last so long, especially considering the amount of desire I possess-"

"Amen to that." I said quietly, forgetting that Eric's hearing was exceptional at the least. He raised an eyebrow to me, but continued with his theory rather than ask what I meant.

"So, it stands to reason that somehow I am still producing sperm."

I sat up. That made sense, real scientific sense.

"And if you are still producing sperm, though infertile, they could still be viable."

"Yes."

"Eric." Until this moment, I had never considered having children, because I knew Eric could not have any. But now, I realized that having a child by Eric would be the most amazing thing that I could ever do. "Oh, Eric."

"Lotus, you're shaking. Are you all right?" The compassion he showed to me then was not helping me keep a rational mindset. Right this moment, my body wanted nothing more than to be carrying Eric's child.

"We could have a baby."

It was then that Eric realized what his words had done to me. He had turned on my maternal clock when I had for so long managed to keep it quiet.

"Lotus, I am sorry. I truly am. I've gotten your hopes up for something that has every possibility of being nothing but the fantasy of my jilted mind. Please, please, do not let this affect you. I cannot cause you this pain, I simply cannot."

"Could we try, Eric? Won't you at least try it? For me."

"Lotus, it's purely fancy. It will not work."

"Please, Eric. I want to try. If it doesn't work, then there's nothing that can be done, but we have to try. If there's even a chance that I could…that we could…we'll never know if we don't attempt it."

He looked at me, his eyes locked onto mine, for several minutes before he spoke.

"I hate that my words have caused you to hope for this, this impossible thing. I love you more than I love my own life, and for you, I will do this. I beg of the gods that this does not crush your soul, and that when there is no outcome, you can still love me as you did this night. For you, my love, I will do this." I would have made love to him right then, if he had released me. Instead he held me tightly to him, stroking my hair with his long fingers. "I will make arrangements for tomorrow to see the most qualified doctor in this field. We shall not cut corners; if we are to do this, we will do this well."

"I love you, Eric."

"And I love you, kära. More than the sun."

I found that sleep was going to elude me this night. I tossed and turned as I tried to quiet my mind, which was toiling with the suggested that Eric had planted there. He laid there waiting for me to drift away, as he did every night. He stroked my back for the longest time, attempting to help me fall asleep, but to no avail.

I had known from the moment I began to have feelings for this man- this powerful, often devious, most dangerous, mysterious and secretly loving man- that my life would not be the way that I had always imagined it. My original life plan had been to complete my degree in design, and work my way up to having my own design business. Then, I could allow myself to find a husband. We would travel some to exotic locales, and buy a house. After that, we'd get a dog and build up our savings. Finally, it would be time to have a baby, or two, raise it, send it off to college and travel some more.

I had barely begun living my plan when I had gotten the Fangtasia design job. The other girls in the office had entirely refused to take on the job commissioned by a vampire. Most of the girls were terrified to do so, and the rest just didn't like vampires. Even if they hadn't been so adverse, none of them would have gotten the job because their style skills were focused elsewhere than the neo-Gothic style the job required. With my extensive skills in multiple styles, paired with my fearless attitude, I had won the job, and with it the more than substantial paycheck.

I had been a little nervous that first night I walked into the bar, having never been in a vampire centric institution before. My experience with vampires had been minimal, at best, and short-lived. There had been a newly changed vampire in one of my night classes, and I sometimes took my clothing to the vampire owned and run all night dry cleaners.

The bar had been closed when I arrived, though young human club goers had already lined up outside the doors in anticipation. Pam had been waiting for me just outside the door, though I hadn't known who she was at the time; she had known me on sight as her 'appointment.' The clubbers had shot me a range of looks from jealous to hateful to curious as a corset and vinyl clad Pam had shown me inside.

She called to Eric, which wasn't so much a call as saying his name out loud. I was sizing up the current décor and the layout of the bar so I didn't notice Eric enter. Seeing him standing there in front of me didn't prove to be difficult, since he was the biggest man that I had ever seen in person in addition to the most handsome.

Meeting Eric that night had been the start of the biggest change in my life, and in me. I had lost that selfishness and arrogance that a single woman has when she is trying to keep her heart shut off by the third time I spoke with Eric; there was something about him that opened up something in me that no one ever had. My plans changed shortly after the first date we shared, and I no longer let myself consider the traditional family route as an option for me. I had been happy to change my dreams for Eric, but until he mentioned it, I hadn't been aware of how much I had wanted a family.

At last, I slid off into sleep, dreaming in the most odd manner I had ever dreamed. I dreamed multiple dreams at once, all meshing together into an impossible to follow storyline. Eric slept like the dead, per his nature. Having him there next to me was comforting, even if he didn't move to hold me when I curled up against his chilly body.