Chapter 4

Cristina watched as Owen's face changed, anger and disappointment washed over him. Owen felt like he was drowning, and there was no life raft in sight.

Divorce, it hadn't even crossed his mind, things weren't that bad yet? Were they? Divorce; it sounded so clinical, so devoid of emotion – completely everything that Owen and Cristina were not. She was giving up just as he was giving in. He felt like it was too late. Owen was livid at himself, he had caused this, he had driven her to this decision, yet another that Cristina had made without even considering him. He sometimes wondered if he had ever had any say in their relationship. Everything had been on Cristina's terms; the wedding, the abortion, every decision they should have made together had been decided for him by his wife.

Finally words managed to escape Owen's lips, "D-Divorce?...You're just giving up on us?"

He was shaking; his whole body trembled as he utter the words. Oh God what have I done? One stupid drunken mistake has cost me my marriage; my Cristina. He thought to himself. His chest tightened, he struggled for breath, and he felt as though his lungs were filling up with water. He couldn't breathe without her. She was the love of his life, his soul mate, every breath he took was for her, he was so desperately clinging onto the hope they could fix this, if they were on the same page, they could still come back from this trauma. They had gotten through so much worse and came out the other side stronger.

"Cristina…Please, please don't do this, to us. We're stronger than this…" He trailed off, this had hit him like a ton of bricks, crushing him, his mind was racing, thinking of all the things he wanted to say, words often failed Owen, and this was no exception.

"Cristina, I…I…We have so much left too do. This isn't over. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, for everything. Is this about the baby? Because I don't care, it doesn't matter. I don't fucking care about a child is it means losing you. Please, we'll do it on your terms, your way. Just don't fucking give up on us. Not yet, it should never have came to this. I still want 40 years with you Cristina Yang – I can't breathe without you." He sounded desperate, he was practically begging her. He didn't care, he knew what he wanted and it was slipping away from him. Owen was going to try his damndest not to let it slip out of his reach forever.

Cristina was in far worse pain right now that she had been two months earlier in the plane crash. Every inch of her was in agony. This was torture, seeing him beg her not to leave him. Part of her wanted to cave, in that instance, to walk over to him take his hands in hers and forget about everything that had gone on before. She loved him with every cell in her body, every atom in her adored this man, but too much had gone on. The damaged seemed irreparable between them. The reality of what she was about to do was starting to hit her. The thought of never waking up beside him, never kissing him, never touching him, the reality of this was making her decision even harder. Am I really making the right choice? Or am I just running away again, like I did after the shooting? Her mind was plagued by these thoughts. Cristina was on the verge of breaking down; seeing Owen so deflated, so distraught – it was painful. She was searching for words, to say something, anything.

"It's not just the baby Owen.." she could feel the anger building up, she knew she was going to say something she would later regret as rage took over. "You used the abortion to justify screwing another woman! It's everything! We just don't work Owen! We've been kidding ourselves; we never should have gotten married! You tried to strangle in my sleep! You held my hand and pretended everything was okay while I had the abortion then week later you are screaming at me I killed your baby in front of all our friends! I should have freaking walked away when you couldn't choose between me or Teddy, I should have walked away then and never looked back! So yeah Owen you are right, It never should have came to this!" she had no control over what she was saying, the words just kept coming out, she knew she could only be making this worse, but then she was about to file for divorce, how much worse could it get?

Owen was trying to process what she was saying, but he was distraught to process anything really.

"Okay, Cristina, I get it! I know I have fucked up, over and over again. Dammit Cristina don't you think I know that? I screwed someone else, I never supported you like I should have, I know that! I don't need reminding! But you – YOU are not innocent Cristina. Every decision in this marriage has been made by you, you don't even consider me, consider how things might affect me, This is supposed to be a partnership, but YOU, you have made this a dictatorship, but I love you, and want to make you happy so I have gone along with it, done what I thought you wanted me too do. So no Cristina I didn't pretend, I tried, I tried to want what you wanted, to do it your way, but it fucking killed me that you couldn't for one second consider what I wanted. Everything I do is for you, can't you see that? It always has been for you Cristina. Always!"

He paused for a minute, trying to collect his thoughts, he was shouting, again. He was so angry that she was giving up, but mostly the anger was directed at him. He should have tried harder, he should have been more supportive, been more understanding, and then this wouldn't be happening. Maybe he should have tried harder to talk to her since she had walked out, he should have called, or gone to the Archfield and demanded she talk to him. But he had thought he was doing the right thing, giving her time and space. He truly thought she would come back to him. Even if she was going to Mayo, that didn't have to be it. He would drive down there every weekend, until he could get a job in Minnesota; he thought it could be a new start for them, somewhere fresh, a clean slate. But the slate had just been smashed right before his very eyes. He walked towards Cristina, her eyes looked so sad, through gorgeous warm brown eyes looked cold and lifeless. He hated himself for making her like this.

He sighed deeply, staring down at his shoes; he couldn't bear to look into her eyes, knowing he would never get to wake up to them again. He couldn't give up, he couldn't just let her walk away from him. He reached out for her, grabbing her arms gently, and looked into her eyes, "Please Cristina, I love you."

Cristina couldn't bear it, this was too hard, she pulled back from him "No, no, no. I can't. I can't, I can't do this. You can't do this. I…I…love you. But we don't work, not like this. How do we come back from this Owen?" she spoke softer, it wasn't the anger talking now.

"I don't know, Cristina, I don't know. But we can work though it, together, I know we can. We have too…" He was frowning, deeply concerned of what she was going to say next. Sometimes he wondered if he ever done anything but frown these days.

"I'm going to Mayo, Owen. I'm not staying in Seattle, how do we work through it from opposite sides of the country?" She really did have an answer for everything, this frustrated Owen.

"I know you are, that doesn't have to it for us though. I can drive down on the weekends, until…until…I can get a job in Minnesota, there's a ton of hospitals down there, I'd already been looking into Trauma positions down there..." He was apprehensive about telling her that, although if truth be told he had sent off a few resumes and emailed the chief of surgery at several of the surrounding hospitals.

"I..I don't know. I don't know Owen. You'd leave Seattle?..." she was taken aback by what he was saying, she had thought he had give up as much as she had. But he had been considering giving his whole life up for her. Cristina didn't know what to do now. She loved him, with every part of her. She loved him, but she didn't let him in, let him make these decisions with her. Yet she expected him to go along with them, had she really expected him to accept that she was divorcing him? Truth be told she didn't want a divorce. It terrified her thinking of walking away for good. He had told her he would never love another woman, and Cristina could never love another man. Owen was her soul mate. The love of her life.

"I would do anything for you Cristina Yang." He said it with so much conviction, so much passion, she knew he meant every word.

"Okay. Well we'll talk about it. But not right now, I need to….Meredith is waiting on me. I need to go…"

"Oh, so you're still…." She interrupted him. "No, I'll wait. We'll talk about it. But I need to go, Meredith is waiting."

"Okay. Okay…go. See Meredith. When…when do you want to talk about this?" he questioned apprehensively.

"I need to go Owen. I'll come round to the house, later…okay? But I need to go…" She needed to get out of his office, this was too much, too tense. She did not want to break down in front of him right now.

"Okay. Later…" He replied weakly, touching her arm as she walked towards the door, exiting the office. Once she felt Owen sat down at his desk, his elbows on the table, cradling his head with his hands. It was too much, he had held it in while she had been there, not wanting to appear even weaker than he already was. The mix of emotions overcame Owen, as tears started to fall from his beautiful blue eyes. He sighed, unsure of what this meant. He guessed it might be clearer later, when they talked. Until then he would just have to wait.