Chapter 3 – Everything Must Change
Lulu held Lucas' hand as they walked through the park. The sun was shining overhead and a light breeze brushed through the trees, bristling over the leaves. Lucas pulled her over to the jungle gym and made Lulu watch him swing across the monkey bars. She laughed as he made silly faces as he hung upside-down. She adored him so much. He was just so full of life and energy. There was truly never a dull moment being Lucas' mom.
"Watch this!" he said, when he reached the top of the jungle gym.
"Alright…" Lulu said, walking around towards the slide.
He launched himself down the slide and laughed all the way down. She smiled and she swung him up in her arms. She twirled him around and their faces became red from laughing so hard.
"You know… my grandma Leslie used to take me to this same park and push me on the swing and then watch me go down the slide and then we'd go over and buy an ice cream…" Lulu mused.
"Can we get ice cream?" Lucas asked, beaming up at his mother.
"No… not today… we still have some of that cake that you and Spencer made last night back at Wyndamere." She said and Lucas' face fell.
"Hey… what's wrong, sweetie?" she asked, stroking his dark brown hair.
"Spencer asked me why I don't have a daddy like he does…" he muttered.
She sighed heavily and kissed the top of his head. She knew that this day would come. When Lucas would finally begin to notice that he didn't have two parents like most of the other kids in his class. His dad didn't pick him up from school or drop him off at his friends' houses for play dates. Sometimes, she felt guilty for robbing Lucas the chance to know Johnny. She saw a lot of Johnny in her son. His mannerisms were just like Johnny's despite never even being around him. But Johnny's life was just too dangerous for a family. He had warned her so many times about the dangers of his lifestyle and then when she saw him holding that gun to Sonny's head, she realized that she couldn't be with him. It was the hardest decision that she ever made… walking away from the man that she loved… the father of her child… but she had to do it, for Lucas' sake.
"I know that it's hard without a daddy… but—" she started but she looked up and saw Johnny, walking through the park. He was holding a black iPod, flipping through the songs. She assumed that he was jogging because he had on a snugly fit gray t-shirt, black basketball shorts and running shoes. The irony of the situation was just too much to handle and Lulu laughed. Lucas looked over towards Johnny and waved to him. He waved back and jogged over to the park bench that she and Lucas were sitting on.
"Hey, Lulu… and hi, Lucas…" he said, smiling.
"Johnny…" she muttered.
"Hi!" Lucas chirped.
"Hey… why don't you go back and play, Lucas? Look, the swings are open…" Lulu said.
Lucas hopped off the park bench and took off towards the swings. They both laughed and Johnny sat down next to Lulu. He was sitting so close to her… it was unnerving. She bit her bottom lip and crossed her legs nervously. She wasn't going to fall apart like the last time. She could have a civilized conversation with her ex.
"Since when do you jog?" she laughed.
"I run two miles every morning before work… keeps the stress down…" he said.
"Still in the family business?" she asked, looking down at her hands. He sighed heavily and folded his arms.
"I know that you don't approve… but it's complicated now…" he started.
"That's what you said before…" she muttered.
"A lot has happened since you've been gone," Johnny said.
"But you're still attached to the business that you never wanted…" she said.
"Why do you even care?" he asked.
She looked up at him sharply. That was the most ridiculous question that she had ever heard him say. Of course she cared. The business could kill him and despite everything that had happened between them, she would always care about him.
"You could do anything that you want… you still can, Johnny… I mean, don't you ever wish that you could just be normal? To not have guards follow you around everywhere?" she asked.
"Normal is overrated… you and I both know that…" he said, smiling.
"True… but still… I can't help but to worry about you… I mean… before we got involved, you were one of my best friends… I'm allowed to care… I'm just looking out for you, Zacchara… because I know that you won't." she laughed.
They both looked over at the swings and watched Lucas laughing and swinging as high as he could. She exhaled shakily covered her mouth with her hands. This was their first moment as a family and neither of them knew it. Johnny had no idea that the little boy that he was watching was his son and it killed her.
"Hey… are you ok?" Johnny asked, looking at her.
"Oh yeah… I'm fine… it's a mom thing… I always get emotional when I look at Lucas… he amazes me every single day… I don't know how I got so lucky to have him…" she said.
"What about his father?" he asked.
Those words paralyzed her. She looked up at Johnny, hoping that he couldn't read the shock on her face and translate it. She sighed heavily and tried to regain her composure.
"What about Lucas' father?" she asked, looking away from Johnny.
"Well… is he around?" he asked and Lulu shook her head.
"He's… well we—we started really fast… it all went by so fast… and I ended up pregnant and I knew that he wasn't ready to be a dad… he's not the father-type." Lulu said.
"So he's not in Lucas' life?" Johnny asked.
"No… and I think it's for the best… I'd rather have Lucas grow up with someone who will give him all of the love and support that he needs and his real dad can't do it…" she muttered.
"It's a shame…" he said.
"What is?" she asked, looking back up at Johnny.
"He's a great kid… any guy would be lucky to be his dad…" he said, smiling.
She swallowed hard and fought with everything that she had to not crack. Why did he have to be so wonderful? He wasn't supposed to act like this. He was supposed to be distant and cold like everyone had told her. He wasn't supposed to be the man that she fell in love with five years ago. She didn't know how much more she could take. She sighed heavily and looked over to Lucas, who was now playing on the monkey bars again. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Johnny looking at Lucas intently, with a smile on his face… but it was one of those proud dad type smiles… like an unconscious part of him knew… she couldn't deny that a part of her wanted to scream that Lucas was his son but her first instinct was to protect her child and she knew all too well the perils of keeping paternity a secret but she felt that she had a legitimate reason to keep her son's father away… it was just too dangerous for him.
"But to go back to your question before… yeah… I do wish sometimes that I could be normal… do things that a lot of people in this town take for granted… take someone out… maybe even get married and have my own family…" he said.
"I never pegged you for the family type… all things considered…" she laughed.
"I know… me too… but it's just a dream… I've made too many choices that I can't take back and with my father and Claudia gone…" he started.
"Wait… what?" she asked.
"I'm all that's left of my family, Lulu…" he muttered.
"What do you mean? What about Claudia and your father?" she asked.
"My dad developed Alzheimer's about a year ago and with his already fragile mental state, he deteriorated really fast… and Jason Morgan found out about my sister's involvement in Michael's shooting and… well… he 'took care' of her." He said.
"I'm so sorry… I didn't know…" she said.
Her hand instinctually reached for his. He looked down at her hand on top of his and then looked up at her. He smiled weakly and squeezed her hand gently. He amazed her sometimes… most people would've reached their breaking point with half of the stuff that Johnny went through but he managed to be resilient.
"You know… I've really missed you…" he whispered and she squeezed his hand.
"I've missed you too…" she said.
