Disclaimer: I do not own Fairy Tail or any Fairy Tail characters.
Chapter 3: Zeref and Innuendo
"We're back everyone."
"Oh, hey Natsu. Did you find Macao?"
Natsu and Lucy had just returned from their mission to find Macao, who had been taken over by a Vulcan. One punch from Natsu was all it took to defeat the beast, and then the group returned to Fairy Tail. "Yeah, he's with Romeo," the dragon slayer said as he took a seat in front of the bar. "Can I get my special order?"
"Sure thing," Mira replied as she placed a dish of flaming meat in front of him. Natsu then tore into his meal.
"This is really good Mira," he complimented, his mouth still full. "Hey Lucy, come try this."
"Are you crazy? I can't eat fire!"
"Not with that attitude you can't."
"I don't think my attitude's the problem."
"People with bad attitudes often don't"
"Natsu, just stop talking."
Natsu just shrugged. "Ok, since you don't want it." He then consumed the rest of the meat in one bite. As he rose out of his seat, Natsu once again turned to Lucy. "Don't forget, you need to find somewhere to live."
Lucy pouted. "I know that. I'll go work on that now actually." Lucy walked out of the guild.
"She'll be back," Natsu said dryly.
"How come?" Mira asked. Lucy returned a few seconds later with an embarrassed look on her face. "Any suggestions on where I could find an apartment?"
Natsu stood off to the side as Mira helped Lucy. She provided the celestial spirit mage with maps, directions, and a price chart for nearby apartments. Feeling prepared this time, Lucy headed off again in search of an apartment. Mira then turned her attention to Natsu. "Did you need something as well?" she inquired.
"Not particularly," Natsu responded. "I just want you to spend the day with me."
The white-haired woman paused. "I'd love to Natsu, but I have to work."
"Nonsense," Natsu said, as he slung the young woman over his shoulder. He then yelled out, "Gramps! Mira's taking the rest of the day off." Natsu that is not what people mean when they talk about picking up women. Huh? Am I lifting her wrong or something? Zeref sighed. That joke went completely over your head. Never mind, carry on. Ok then, Natsu replied, slightly confused.
With that, the dragon slayer began walking out of the guild with Mira struggling in his grip. "Wait! Natsu, put me down. Or at the least, get your hand off of my butt!"
Gray watched Natsu's retreat with an amused grin. "Enjoy your date Mira," he called after the duo. "Shut up Gray!"
"Where are we going?"
"I don't know. Where do you wanna go?"
"The ground would be a nice start."
"You wanna go to the ground? Bad choice of words Mira." As soon as she saw the smirk on Natsu's face, she knew she had made a mistake.
"Wait Natsu. Don't drop me… Ow!" But it was too late. Natsu had already dropped her. "You're a jerk!" Mira said as she huffed away.
"Aw, c'mon Mira," Natsu said as he went after her. "I was just playin' around." Looks like she's fallen for you. Is today just Terrible Pun Day for you or something. You actually got that one? Yes, and it was so bad I wish I didn't.At least my jokes don't make my friends mad at me. That's 'cause you don't have any friends. Zeref was silent for a moment. Shut up Natsu.
Natsu caught up to Mira and grabbed her hand. "Wait Mira," he said. "I'm sorry. Please don't be mad."
The young woman brought her hand up to her face in thought. "I'll forgive you," she started. "If you take me out to lunch."
Don't do it. You're being suckered. It's just lunch. What's the worst that could happen? "That's it?" the dragon slayer asked the former demon.
"And you have to let me get whatever I want," Mira added with a smirk. I'm warning you. It'll be fine. I have plenty of money. If you want to keep all of that money you should listen to me. Listening to you has a habit of going very wrong for me. That is true, but usually that's on purpose. This time I'm actually trying to help you. I find that hard to believe. Ok. Have it your way.
"Sure thing Mira. I'll take you anywhere you want, and you can get whatever you want." When he saw the smirk pass across her face, Natsu briefly thought that maybe he should have listened to the evil voice in his head.
Seriously!? Even I couldn't eat that much. I do believe that I told you so. Not now Zeref. I'm in the middle of a crisis here. You know, you could always just dine and dash. No way! That would be stealing. And besides, they know where I live. You'll be living on the street if you let her keep ordering things. It's not like I can stop her. I told her that she could order anything she wants. Take a tip from the dark side on this one; welch you fool! Welch!
"Are you sure you don't want any of this pudding Natsu? It's delicious."
"No thanks. I'm fine."
"Are you sure? You are paying for it after all…" Rub it in why don't ya? Natsu thought to himself. You know what? I am paying for all this. I'm at least gonna get my money's worth. Natsu then ate the spoonful of pudding Mira was holding before he began to eat any scraps she had left behind on any of her numerous dishes. After he was done with this, the dragon slayer licked every plate, bowl and fork clean. Wow Natsu. Why don't you eat the plate while you're at it? Believe me, I'm trying.
Natsu stopped trying to gnaw through the dishes when he saw the waiter approaching with the check. "Hello Natsu," the waiter said. "Here's the check." He then turned to Mira. "You may want to cover your ears."
Natsu's heart skipped a beat when he saw how much money he owed. "WHAAAAT?" he yelled. "This is robbery. I-I think I need to lay down."
"That's just the check for the desserts, actually." Natsu began to feel light-headed when the waiter pulled out a second check. "This is actually the check for the main course." After seeing the total, the dragon slayer clutched his chest and wordlessly fell to the ground.
Mira covered her mouth with her hand. "Oh whoops," she said worriedly. "I guess I went a little too far."
"Don't worry," the waiter told her calmly. "This happens from time to time." He then signaled to someone in the back. A man in a white coat came out, his hands cackling with lightning.
"So, who's the poor sap?"
"Right over here." After rubbing his hands together, the man in white approached the fallen dragon slayer. "Sorry buddy. No dying until the bill is paid." He then slammed his electrified hands into Natsu's chest to revive him.
"Huh," Natsu said as he sat up. "I just saw a really bright light. Where did it go?" He then saw the check on the ground. "Oh hey, it's coming back."
"I have a little bit of money," Mira chimed in before he could faint again. "It's not much but it's still something, right?"
"But it's still so much," the pink-haired teen whined.
"I know. I went a little overboard. I'm sorry."
Natsu reached into his pocket for his wallet. "It's fine. No point crying about it now," he said. Doesn't mean I'm not going to though. "Waaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh! My monnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyy!"
"I'm sorry," Mira said meekly as she handed over her money. The two then exited the restaurant, a cloud of gloom hanging over them.
"Well at least the food was good."
"Yeah. The plate wasn't half bad either."
Mira giggled. "You're so silly Natsu." The dragon slayer smiled in response. "Where'd you get so much money anyway?"
"That's classified information."
"Aww, come on. You can tell me."
"Yeah but I don't want to."
"Natsu…"
"Mira…"
"Natsu."
"Mira."
"Natsu!"
"Mira!" Get a room you two. Why? Because you're screaming each other's names. What does that have to do with rooms? Zeref was silence for a moment. You're messing with me right? You can't be that dumb. You have to be doing that on purpose. I don't know what you're talking about. Then excuse me. I have to go bang my head against a wall. Have fun buddy.
"Are you listening to me?" Mira asked, snapping Natsu out of his mental conversation.
"Huh? Sorry, I zoned out for a minute."
The white-haired girl sighed. "You zone out a lot. Is something wrong?"
The dragon slayer shook his head. "No, everything's fine. I just like to talk to the evil voice in my head sometimes."
Mira gave the teen an odd look. "Evil voice in your head? Don't be ridiculous Natsu."
"I'm serious. It tells me to do terrible things, like dining and dashing instead of paying the bill at that restaurant, or stealing S-class jobs. It also makes really awful jokes." Mira giggled.
"I don't think that's an evil voice," she told him. "That's just your stupid brain."
Natsu huffed. "My brain isn't stupid. I'm practically a genius." Natsu waited for the inevitable sarcastic comment from Zeref, but was surprised when none came. Huh. Guess he wasn't kidding about beating his head against a wall.
"Oh really? Because I don't think a genius would have challenged Master that many times."
"I would like to point out that I almost won a couple of times."
"Or what about that time you stole Erza's cheesecake?"
"It was the only way to get her to fight me. And again, I should point out that I had that won until Gramps stopped us."
"How about when you went storm chasing with Laxus?"
"Ok, that was a bad idea. I'm willing to admit that."
"And geniuses definitely don't have an irrational fear of boats."
"I don't fear boats. I have an irrational hatred of boats."
"That's equally stupid. Just face it Natsu, you aren't very bright. But don't feel bad, at least you're cute."
Natsu began to feel slightly annoyed by the barrage of insults. Unfortunately, the voice in his head returned at this moment to add insult to insult. She's right though, you are pretty dumb. In fact, I'm pretty sure there are a few Vulcans that would outscore you on an IQ test. Welcome back Zeref, the dragon slayer replied dryly. Glad to see slamming your head into a wall hasn't damaged your desire to insult me. Of course not. It's my current joy in life.
Natsu growled. "Whatever. Well if you're so damned smart, you should know that stupid people get violent when you insult them."
Mira smirked. "I'm not worried," she said matter-of-factly. "We both know you wouldn't hurt me."
"Normally you'd be right, but the evil voice in my head told me to kick you in the head." No I did not, but that's not a bad idea. Kick her in the head.
"You wouldn't," Mira said smugly.
"You're right," he replied, giving her a larger smirk in return.
The young woman warily took a step back. "If I'm right, then why are you smiling like that?"
"Because I just had a better idea. I'll give you a spanking instead."
"Y-you wouldn't dare."
"Do you really think so?" At this question, the white-haired girl turned around and ran away. "Come back here Mira!" Natsu yelled as he took off after her. "Accept your fate and I might go easy on you."
"No you wouldn't you liar!" Mira yelled back.
"I know, but it was worth a shot." The girl paused when she realized that voice had come from right beside her. "What? How did you— AAAGH!" She shrieked as the dragon slayer pulled her over his knee.
"Can't we talk about this?" Mira said with a giggle.
"Sure," Natsu replied, surprising the former Take Over mage. "If you can give me one good reason why I should let you go, I will."
Mira quickly tried to formulate a response. "Well, umm… I don't know. I didn't really expect that to work." The dragon slayer landed a solid swat to her rear end, causing the woman to jump slightly.
"Well then," he said with a laugh. "Since you don't have any objections…"
"Wait! You shouldn't spank me because…" she paused to think while Natsu continued to smack her butt. "Ow! Aren't you supposed to let me— OW! — answer before you continue?"
Natsu paused briefly to answer her. "Technically yes," he agreed. "But I was gonna ignore whatever reason you gave anyway." Mirajane huffed as the dragon slayer spanked her once more before allowing her to get back on her feet. "You're a jerk Natsu."
Natsu smirked in response. "Yeah I know. But in my defense, you have a nice butt."
Mira turned her face away from him to hide her blush. "Umm, thanks, I guess. Now if you're done being a pervert, I think we should get back to the guild."
Tell her you'll catch up to her later. I wanna talk to you about something. What is it? Time travel stuff. Now tell her to beat it. That's rude Zeref. I'm a rude person.
"You go on ahead Mira," Natsu said, turning his attention back to the barmaid. "I've got something I have to take care of."
"I could go with you if you want."
The dragon slayer responded with a dismissive wave. "It won't take long. I'll just go by myself." Mira gave him a questioning look before turning away to go back to the guild.
Ok, so what did you want to talk about? Well first off what was that? What was what? That whole thing with that Mirajane woman. Is she your girlfriend? No. Me and Mira are just friends. How many of your friends do you regularly spank? Umm, none. That'd be pretty weird.
That's why I'm asking. I'm not following Zeref. Natsu then heard a faint pounding sound. What's that? I brought part of the wall with me. I figured I'd need it. You're weird. I'm weird? You're the one who… back on topic. How do you feel about Mirajane? She's a really good friend.
Is that all? Yeah we're just friends. Well you two obviously like each other. No we don't. I'm telling you, we're just friends. Then why did you spank her? We were just playing around. Playing around? Seemed to me like you were trying to get some Fairy tail. Huh. I don't get it. Natsu had to suppress a smile when he heard more pounding.
Moving on. What I really wanted to talk to you about was the timeline, Mainly how you haven't been following it. I wanted to ask you what your plan was. Why would I need a plan? Natsu asked in a confused tone. You-you're kidding, right? Yeah, just messin' with ya. You mean to beat Acnologia right? The plan's simple; fight strong enemies, get stronger, then kick his ass. So in other words, you haven't put any thought into this.
I have actually. I think about it a lot, but there isn't much more that I can do about it. I have plenty of time anyway. Don't be so sure about that. If you keep messing with the timeline things could happen very differently from how you expect them to. You worry too much. I haven't even made any major changes. You've been stealing S-class jobs. I have to test my strength somehow, don't I? Besides, me and Gray have managed to complete them all, so what's the problem?
The problem is that you could be drawing the attention of dangerous individuals. All it takes is you making enemies with the wrong person and everything we know could become useless. I don't think that's gonna happen. And what do you mean everything WE know? I can look at your memories. Did I forget to mention that? I doubt that you forgot. That's helpful though because I really can't remember when I'm supposed to do a lot of things. I know that the next important place I go is Galuna Island, but can you tell me when I need to go? Actually you're skipping a couple of events Zeref thought to himself. I probably should tell him, but I'm already being more helpful than I have to be. Zeref then looked down with pride at the 'not-as-much-of-a-jerk-as-you-could-have-been' medal that adorned his chest.
You've got plenty of time, Zeref said, returning his attention to the dragon slayer. You don't need to go to Galuna Island for a few weeks. In that case I'm gonna go steal another S-class job. Did I not just warn you about doing that? Didn't I already tell you that I tend to do the opposite of what you tell me to? How did that work out for you last time? That was only one time. There's no way you could be right twice in a row
"How have you not been caught yet?"
Natsu had just stolen another S-class job, and now he and Gray were waiting for Lucy to pack so they could leave. "Because I'm amazing."
"Nah, I don't think that's it," Gray said, his shirt now missing.
At that moment Lucy returned with her supplies on her back. "So what is this mission anyway?
Natsu looked down at the paper in his hand. "It's a bounty job worth five million jewels."
Gray and Lucy both had the same reaction. "Five Million?! What did this guy do?"
"It's a woman actually. It says here that she's killed ten people. Each one of the victims had all of the blood removed from their bodies."
Lucy grimaced. "Maybe this isn't such a good idea…"
"I agree with Lucy on this one," Gray added. "Maybe we could take a job that doesn't involve vampires."
"Oh stop being chicken you two. And Gray, put your pants back on." Gray looked down to see that he was indeed wearing nothing but his boxers.
"Oh crap!" he exclaimed as he began looking around for his clothing.
"Natsu, I really don't think this is a good idea," Lucy said to the dragon slayer.
"Oh stop worrying," Natsu said confidently. "I'm not scared of any stupid vampires." You're pretty confident for someone who's about to be vampire food. Shut up Zeref.
"I'm not scared either, but I would rather my blood stay where it is," Gray said as he returned to the group, now fully clothed.
"That's it!" Natsu yelled as he grabbed both of their hands and began to lead them off. "No more whining! We're going and that's that." Both Lucy and Gray groaned, which Natsu ignored. "The flyer said that the blood woman was last seen in Alia, do either of you know how to get there?"
Gray suddenly began to smile. "You know Natsu," Gray started a little too happily. "The only way to get to Alia is by boat."
Natsu stopped walking. "On second thought, maybe taking this mission isn't such a good idea."
To Natsu's surprise, he felt Gray pulling him forward by the hand. "I changed my mind actually," Gray said. "We already have the job, we might as well complete it. Don't you agree Lucy?"
"Huh?" Lucy asked, confused by the sudden turn of events. He doesn't want to go because we'd have to take a boat? She then remembered that he had mentioned his hatred of boats before, when he was cackling madly while watching one burn. Her expression turned to a smirk. "I do agree Gray," the celestial spirit mage said as she began pulling Natsu along as well.
"Dammit guys!" Natsu yelled, as he tried to pull himself free to no avail. "I don't wanna go! Let me go! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"
I hate you Zeref. Don't blame me. You're the idiot who picked the mission. Well it's your fault that I can't stand boats. No it isn't. You hated boats long before you met me. In fact if it wasn't for me, you'd have motion sickness, so you should be thanking me. I would sooner jump off this boat than thank you for anything. I have a feeling that's how this is gonna end.
"Umm, Natsu are you alright?"
The dragon slayer snapped out of his thoughts. "Huh, did you just say something Happy?"
"Yeah. I asked if you were ok."
"Yeah I'm fine. Why do you ask?"
Lucy was the one to answer this question. "Because it's really hot in here!" Natsu then looked up to see that both Lucy and Happy were covered in sweat. Since when do cats sweat? He thought to himself. Since when do cats talk? Good point.
"Sorry about that guys," Natsu said as he stopped his magic output, allowing the room temperature to return to normal. Lucy sighed in relief. Whew, it feels so much better now. She then noticed that someone was missing. "Hey where'd Gray go?"
"I don't know," Natsu replied. "He said something about getting far away from this soon to be flaming deathtrap."
So he knew this would happen, Lucy thought. Why didn't he take me with him? "Natsu, why do you hate boats so much?"
"He got stranded on a boat one time," answered Happy. "Then he blew it up."
"Hey! I wasn't trying to blow it up. I was trying to keep it from sinking."
"Then maybe you shouldn't have blown it up."
Natsu growled. "Just be glad I don't blow this one up."
Happy shrugged. "Wouldn't hurt me," he said. "I can fly. You and Lucy are the ones who'd be outta luck."
"Hey why would you let me drown?" Lucy asked.
"Because you look heavy," Happy said bluntly.
"I do not! I'm in great shape."
Natsu ignored the bickering duo as he continued to think about his hatred for boats. I hate you Zeref. I don't care. If I sank this boat, how long would it take to swim to Alia? Don't sink the boat Natsu. That would be an incredibly stupid thing to do. But I wanna. Well too bad. It'd be mildly inconvenient for me if you drowned. Do something to take your mind off of it. Like what? There's nothing to do on this damned thing. Let's play I Spy. Hell no. Fine then. Play with Lucy.
"Hey Lucy, play with me."
Lucy looked at the dragon slayer in confusion. "Umm, what?"
"I said I want you to play with me." Natsu then heard Zeref snickering in his head. What are you laughing at? Nothing Natsu. It's nothing.
"Natsu, what do you mean by that?" the blonde woman asked with a blush.
"He means he wants to play a game," chimed in Happy. Staring at the innocent expression on the dragon slayer's face, Lucy concluded that the cat was probably right. Doesn't mean I can't have a little fun with him though.
"So Natsu," Lucy said coyly "Which part of you do you want me to play with?" It was Natsu's turn to stare in confusion. "You can play with my whole body Lucy." Hahahahahahahahaha. Ok yeah, I actually caught that one. That's shocking. Bite me. Shouldn't you be playing with your friend. Hahahahaha
Oh whatever, Natsu thought before being pulled from his thoughts by the sound of more laughter. He looked up to see Lucy rolling on the floor in laughter.
"Natsu that's inappropriate," said Happy.
"It's ok," Lucy said through her laughter. "He doesn't know any better."
Natsu scowled. "Don't talk about me like I'm five." The celestial spirit mage began to pet the dragon slayer's head. "You're not five. But you're just so… OW!" Lucy yelled as Natsu's hair heated up, burning her hand. She then jumped back as the flaming aura expanded around his entire body. "You wanna laugh at me huh?" Natsu asked. "Let's see how funny you find this."
Lucy continued to jump farther back as more of the room continued to heat up. "I wasn't laughing at you Natsu," she lied. "I was laughing at Happy. Isn't that right Happy?"
"Nope she's lying," Happy said calmly. "But you probably should stop that before you set the boat on fire." As if on cue, part of the boat caught fire. "Too late, the boat's on fire."
"How can you be so calm right now?" Lucy asked as she ran around in a panic. "What do we do?"
"Oh I know," Natsu said as he approached the flames. He then tried to blow them out. "I don't think that's going to work," Lucy commented dryly. Ready to admit that I was right yet? No way. The job hasn't even started yet. And yet you're still managing to screw it up. Shut up Zeref.
Gray was pleasantly surprised. When he and Lucy had dragged Natsu onto the boat, he was sure something was going to go horribly wrong. Amazingly, Alia had just appeared on the horizon, and the boat was still afloat. He was heading back to the cabin the others were in to tell them the good news when he heard yelling.
"…If you hadn't set the boat on fire!"
Well so much for that, Gray thought. He then headed back up to the upper deck of the ship.
"Attention everyone!" Gray called out. "My idiot friends set the boat on fire and it's only gonna get worse from there. Luckily I'm here to evacuate you all." As Gray expected, everyone started to panic as soon as he said the word 'fire'. "Yeah, nothing is ever easy with Natsu involved."
"Glad to see you guys finally made it."
"I don't wanna hear it stripper," Natsu said as he pulled Lucy and Happy to shore. "You coulda helped ya know."
Gray smirked. "Yeah, but I had to get all these other people to safety." The people he saved on the boat let out a brief cheer. "Besides, I figured you had it under control."
"If by under control you mean watching Lucy summon a bitchy celestial spirit who flooded the boat with water and then having to swim all the way here, then yeah, I had it under control."
A blue-haired mermaid with a tattoo resembling the Aquarius zodiac symbol on her collarbone emerged from the water at that moment. "Did you just call me a bitch?" she asked menacingly as the water behind her began to move. "Oh no!" Lucy exclaimed as she searched for Aquarius's key. "Crap where is it? I need that key right now… never mind, I can find it later." She stopped searching for the key when Natsu kicked Aquarius into the ocean.
"Wow that was quite a kick."
"No kidding. That fish is still going."
"Umm, Natsu, you're probably gonna pay for that next time I have to summon her."
"I'm not scared. Tell her to come get some whenever she's ready." This has already been a disaster. No kidding. But I'm gonna turn it around now. This job is gonna be smooth sailing from now on. Natsu, you have to know better than that by now. Yeah I know. This job is gonna be a freakin' disaster.
AN: Well, this is the longest chapter I've written, but not a whole lot happens. I hope you all enjoy it anyway. And also, I don't usually write author notes because I never have anything to say, but I thought I'd take the chance to thank you guys for reading. I really enjoy writing this story and I'm glad you guys enjoy reading it, so thanks.
