Musings #1- (Dusk) It is September 25, and I have decided that instead of making it a day, that I shall instead start a long string of evaluations. I find it rather necessary to keep my sanity to do these, since writing them down on paper makes them seem so much more normal instead of having these questions crash noisily around in my head.
There are times in life where it feels the whole world is just way too small or way too large to pay any heed to a simple monk such as myself. It is either in my favor or is not, there really is no in between. Unfortunately, today was one of the days where the world almost seemed tipped in someone else's favor.
I know I shouldn't use simple excuses like that, but it does seem to make me feel better, if not a bit insignificant. It's not like I think the world revolves around me, but sometimes it's so easy to forget that a dose of reality is always unpleasant. And it is such a shame that I'm this depressed, since last week was a horribly happy week for me, and now nothing that has happened for the last few days has been able to brighten my day.
Not even the fact that since Kagome noticed my melancholy decided to give me extra Ramen rations despite Inuyasha's voiced protests. Nor the fact that Shippou has, since our little educational talk, pestered everyone's favorite half demon with very personal questions about his 'baby maker' that, interestingly enough, has attracted Kagome's attention, non-stop for about three days now. Nor the fact that Sango has told me that if I need anyone to talk to, she is always willing to listen to me as long as I don't make a pass at her.
Well, okay, the last thing was quite lifting, but unfortunately, most of the reason why I've been feeling so downhearted these days is because of the seductress Sango herself. It is not like it's her fault, since she doesn't like to hurt anyone's feelings intentionally, and the circumstances which cause me so much pain could not have been controlled by anyone, but still… Somehow it disturbs me, though perhaps I should explain before my hand gets tired of writing all this down.
It started with a simple peasant village, where I was telling fortunes to all the gorgeous women (many of whom I had used my patented 'will you bear my child?'). Sango was with Shippou, frowning at the activity, eyeing all the girls with jealously I'm a bit prideful to say, and looked about ready to yell at me or just leave, when she was approached. By two young fellows whom I had been keeping a slight eye on for a while with a bit of disinterest. I had seen them lingering around the line where the women stood giggling and waiting, though I had presumed that they were simply jealous of the crowd I had attracted or were over protective brothers ready to attack me as soon as I finished with the women and had dismissed them easily.
However, this was admittedly not the case as soon as I saw them saunter over to where fair Sango was. Now, I am not one to view things with a jealous eye, nor will I with hold the truth to make men out to be what they are not, so I will be quite frank. And if I clouded the truth, no one would suffer from it except for perhaps, myself. So, I say with a clear eye that these two men were quite attractive to the female population, and because of the way they approached Sango, also happened to be looking for a spouse.
Now, I was too far away to hear their conversation, but from the look on Sango's face, she was flattered. She laughed far more for them in a span of about one or two hours than she ever did with an afternoon spent with me. And she didn't hit one of them, even once. She never even told them to go away. And, apparently emboldened by their success with Sango, the pair both asked Sango if she would like to stay in their village for a while. They were being plagued unmercifully with demons, they insisted, even though Inyuasha had cleared the area on the way there, and plus, the men added, there was a festival to be held soon. A nice festival that would be fun and exciting.
Sango was smiling throughout this all, her eyes sparkling like they rarely do, her expression one of pure happiness and amusement. And as if sensing my eyes on her, she tilted her head to the side ever so slightly, glancing at me. Our gazes brushed for a brief moment, and it is possible Sango wasn't even looking at me at all, but as soon as she turned back to the two men, her smile widened even more.
"I would love to," she had said, "I would love to." Not, 'I would like to, thank you', or 'that is very kind you, yes I will stay', or even 'of course', but 'I would love to'. She would love to. As if nothing would please her more to spend the rest of her life in this small, boring, boy infested village and go to their fruitless little festival. As if the life she was leading right now was not important. As if the company in her life was not important. As if… her friends were not important. And perhaps that's when I got angry, or even hurt. That she would stay with these two unknown boys and love doing so and never once smile that way for her friends she's been with through the worst times.
That's when I got up and told the ladies quite briskly that I would tell more fortunes a little later (thank you for your time), and headed over to the group. Of course, the men both looked a bit startled by my rapid and rather noisy entrance as I positioned myself next to Sango. Both men looked at each other and shrugged, while Sango only arched an eyebrow at me. She could tell the smile I had plastered on my face was fake.
"Good afternoon gentlemen," I said as pleasantly as I could without hitting both of them upside the head with my staff, "if you excuse us, Sango and I have some important issues to discuss." And without waiting for either of them to reply, I grabbed Sango's arm and led her away. As soon as we were out of their sight, Sango put a hand on her hip and gave me a hard look that I suppose was to read my mind. And it probably would have worked if I hadn't looked away at that exact moment.
"Important issues Miroku? I can't think of anything that could be so pressing as to draw you away from the potential mother of your children." Sango said sarcastically, while I tried hard not to say anything that would give away the fact that I was angry. Yes, angry sounds much more righteous than jealous.
"You know we can't stay here for their festival." I snapped, without meaning to for it betrayed the emotion I had tried to keep in check. The emotion I had often seen on Sango's face when the line of women I usually drew would flock to me. The emotion that I had loved seeing in Sango even though it was a bit wrong because it told me she actually cared for me. That she actually cared for what I did.
"Why not? It sounds like fun. A welcome change from the road and all the fighting." She smiled at me, a cool small smile that was bordering on a smirk. "Besides, you can even set up a fortune telling booth, Shippou can play all the games, Kagome can finally participate in a festival, and Inuyasha… well, I suppose he can stay if he really wants to." But those weren't the real reasons she wanted to stay, were they? Convenient excuses was what I saw them as, and it angered me that she wouldn't come out and be honest with me. The real reason she wanted to stay here, her past, and how she really felt for me. For once, I was tired of these games. And it showed in my tone of voice.
"What if I don't want to stay?" Sango shrugged, as if brushing off the coldness in my voice.
"You are your own person. You can stay, you can go, but I would like to stay." And the others did too. No one would support my wishes to move on, but then again, no one had seen what I had seen. And what was worse was the fact that everyone had a good time, Sango especially. I hardly saw her that day of the festival which lasted well into the night. And when I did see her, she was with one of those two men, and she was almost always laughing. I wanted so badly to tell them to leave, to find some other woman to practice their wiles at because Sango wasn't interested in them. That Sango didn't need them. But I couldn't, because even if I was horribly angered at both of those men, they made Sango laugh. They made her laugh so much more than I ever have. They made her smile and giggle and even turn red without having to make lewd jokes. They accomplished all I ever wanted to do without seeming to think a second thought about it. The fact that even though they could have any woman in the village, they chose to woo Sango, and Sango… she was fine with that. She loved it. And because of that, because Sango was obviously having such a good time, I said nothing. I said nothing and seethed. Because now I knew how Sango felt whenever she watched the women in a village line up for me. And I didn't like it one bit.
