and i've got
no illusions about you
and guess what?
i never did
and when i said
when i said i'll take it
i meant,
i meant as is
- As Is (Ani Difranco)
I stare at my clock, waiting for the alarm to go off. I didn't go back to sleep last night after my communion and dreams. So during that time I thought – I thought about Bella, Alice, Jasper, Lauren, Jessica, Esme, and Carlisle, all of them. I thought about being at Metro and seeing all of these freaks, geeks, and everything else all sitting and talking. There was no bullshit, no fake gestures of kindness, and no feelings of superiority. They all just were – they seemed to accept each others faults with a sense of unconditional love I had only witnessed from Alice, Jasper, and Esme. But the thing that kept throwing me for a loop through all this insane thought was that they were family and the one main thing tying them together besides love was Bella. I mean really was she fucking all of them, had she fucked any of them, and most importantly why the fuck do I care. Bella. That damn girl is going to kill me and I don't even understand it. And more importantly what the fuck is up with that damn nickname. I mean really, Dark Angel. Dark and fucked up to the hills and back but definitely no angel.
Finally, the alarm signals my need to get out of bed, shower, and to the lovely hell of school. I walk into the bathroom and turn on the water for my shower, and chance a glimpse at my reflection. Damn – I look like an extra for a Rob Zombie movie. Ahh, the joys of crank. I gaze down at my chest and over at my arms. Blood dried to my cuts from last night. I step into the shower washing away the reminder of my inability to cope, my inability to be something beyond fucked up. I grab a towel off the rack and step up to the sink. I look for my rig, knowing that a few snorts up the nose aren't going to get it this morning if I have any hope of maintaining a sense of sanity until at least lunch. I set up the needle and slowly push it into vein. As usual the slow burn of the crank into my veins jolts my system awake and I finally feel like I can think without the demons VH1 pop up video commentary on all my thoughts and actions.
Once I am dressed and acceptable for the hallowed institution of higher learning, I run down the steps to grab my morning coffee. Esme is there with a small smile and my cup of caffeinated salvation. "Edward, are you okay? I heard you yelling last night. Are you having nightmares again?" she calmly asks.
"I am fine. Just a strange dream. Nothing to worry about. I promise." I lie gracefully and smile her favorite crooked grin.
"Alright honey. But promise if you need to talk or whatever that you will let me know," she says, pulling me into a hug where I inhale the scent of sugar cookies.
"Promise. I gotta go or I will be late. Can't have that or Father Hamill will have my ass again this year," I laugh and run out the door.
I have no idea what to expect as I pull into my parking spot. I know Alice and Jazz were pissed as hell last night so I am not sure the welcoming that will be awaiting me at the top of the ramp. I slowly unfold out of my car, stuff my hands in my leather jacket, and march up the ramp. I keep my eyes down until I absolutely have to look up and there I see a pixie with hands on hips, eyes locked on mine, and an almost evil smile on her lips. I continue the walk to the top and stop in front of her. Suddenly my head flies to the right and my cheek feels like it is on fire. Hold up, did Alice just slap the ever loving shit out of me? I reach up to touch my cheek as I hear Alice start to speak.
"That is for being such a fucking douche last night. I should slap you again just for good measure, but I promised Jazz I wouldn't hurt you." Alice says barely containing the venom dripping from her voice.
I look at Alice, then Jazz before I speak. I know Jazz is pissed because he has yet to say a word and his eyes are a cold blue steel and his jaw tightens every so often.
"Look, I know I was an ass. I don't know why – I just was. Bella gets under my skin and who were all those people. I was just strung out I guess. Hell I don't know. I am sorry." I mumble.
Alice leans in to hug me. "I know you are sorry, but come on. Please be nice. I like her and her friends are really cool. They are all so interesting and have had interesting lives. You should have stayed. It was like being part of a huge family. Kinda strange but really nice and after you left, Bella was strangely quiet. She talked some but mostly just cuddled up with Catfish and listened. You need to give her a chance, maybe just this once give yourself a chance."
"I am sure that her friends are fine or whatever. Just give me some space and time. You know I don't like people in general and I have no need to have all those people be a family to me much less know a damn thing about me," I lowly state.
"I know. I am not judging, just saying," Alice chirps.
Suddenly I feel someone walking up behind me. Alice's face breaks out into a wide grin and she jumps past me in a blur. I hear a loud laugh and turn to see Alice embracing Bella in a bone crushing hug not normal for someone the size of Tinkerbelle. Bella unhooks herself from Alice and continues walking up to me and Jazz.
"Morning, Jazz," she quietly states and then places a sweet kiss on his cheek.
"Morning, Bells," he answers giving her a hug.
She glances over to me as I pull a cig out of my pocket. We still had about 10 minutes to kill before Chapel so I was going to use them to my lungs distinct advantage. As I light the cig, Bella smiles softly at me and walks towards me.
"Morning Dark Angel. Did you get what you needed last night?" she quietly says while placing a kiss on my check.
I look at her, trying to see if she really knows what the hell she is talking about. Her eyes show a knowledge that almost frightens me. "Yes, I got some sleep and for the last time, my name is Edward." I growl.
She nods her heard and leans in to my ear, " Whatever you say sugar. Just remember sometimes demons get too big."
I shrug her off just as I hear the unmistakable sound of Lauren and Jessica coming up the ramp. I turn and smile my famous smile at them and wink, pulling my lip ring into my mouth and then running my tongue over my bottom lip. Lauren walks up to me and runs her hand down my chest.
I smile and turn to glance at Alice, Jazz, and Bella over my shoulder. "Meet me in the bathroom by the gym after Chapel. Both of you," I drawl.
They giggle and nod a yes walking off as I stare at their asses in the very short skirts. I take one last drag of my cig and turn to the group.
"Ready to go to Chapel." I say.
Alice glares at me and grabs Bella's hand and begins to walk off. Bella looks back over her shoulder at me, shakes her head, and smiles to herself. I glare at her, still unsure of what it is about her that gets under my skin and why I even care – I have never cared and she makes me care, makes me think about my past, brings up a strange sensation in my soul that makes me want to hold her and protect her. I sigh heavily; turn to Jazz, and he smiles quietly ruffing up my hair.
Chapel is over within 15 minutes. A record in the annuals of history for Fr. Hamill. As we walk out the doors, I spot Lauren and Jessica heading towards our meeting. I turn to Bella, Jazz, and Alice to tell them I will see them at lunch, and almost come unglued at the unabashed look of tenderness in Bella's eyes as she stares at me. My demons laugh and taunt me Look at that sweet sweet girl. She thinks she can save you. She doesn't know the trash you are and she won't understand; not even Alice and Jazz understand it all. Go enjoy your sluts – we need the fix.
"See you all at lunch," I mumble and walk towards the bathrooms.
I walk into the bathroom and see Lauren and Jessica sitting on the sink counter. I slowly shrug off my jacket and hang it up. I suck my lip ring into my mouth and take a breath as I walk over to Lauren. She spreads her legs and I walk in between them, running my hands up her thighs towards her center. She leans back against the glass as Jessica leans over to her mouth engaging her in a kiss. I smile – now this is fun. My demons pull up chairs and a bottle of Jack and sit to enjoy the show.
My left hand pushes up her skirt as my fingers on my right hand gently play with her pussy folds. She is wet, she always is for me. No true foreplay needed and she likes it rough just like Jessica. I shove two fingers into her quickly, needing the release as much as they do. Lauren sucks in a breath as Jessica continues her assault on her mouth. As I continue to fuck Lauren with my fingers, Jessica jumps down from the counter and slips onto her knees between us. She undoes my belt, unbuttons my khaki pants, and slides the zipper down. I lean forward to catch Lauren's mouth just as I feel Jessica's warm lips encase my cock. Lauren's breath starts to speed by as my thumb pushes on her clit, pinching and pulling while my fingers continue to fuck her.
"Fuck yes Edward, more please, I need you to fuck me," Lauren gasps.
"You are such a fuckin' slut Lauren, aren't you?" I ask as I almost growl from Jessica's tongue swirling around the head of my cock while her mouth continues its up and down assault.
I grab Lauren's hands, pull my dick out of Jessica's mouth, and slam it into Lauren. Jessica pulls herself up and onto the counter, fingering herself as she watches me slam into Lauren. I pull out and turn Lauren around bending her over the counter. I slam into her again, pulling her neck back by her hair.
"Jessica, get down on your knees and lick her clit. Don't stop until she cums," I growl.
I look in the mirror as I am fucking Lauren. My skin is pale, dark circles under my eyes, my lip ring is sucked into my mouth. My demons are laughing- like mother like son. I squint my eyes closed trying to hold off my orgasm and block the image of myself, of my mother. I look at Lauren quivering, waiting for some command.
"Cum you fucking bitch!" I yell.
Immediately I feel her walls convulse around my cock. I look at Jessica who continues her assault on Lauren's clit. I pull out of Lauren, push her to the side and grab Jessica, pulling her up and throwing her ass on the counter. I slam into her. I can't stop this. I want to, but the demons keep taunting; I need release; I need a fix; I fucking need to get Bella out of my life. She is making me lose control of all of this.
Jessica screams as I feel her convulse around me and I finally cum as I bite hard into her shoulder. I pull out, shove my cock back into my pants and grab my jacket. I look at my watch. Cool that only took about 20 minutes. Plenty of time to get to class since my first hour was free today.
"Thanks bitches. A pleasure as always." I say and walk out the bathroom door. As I turn to head up the stairs toward the main building I see Bella. She is sitting on the stairs waiting.
"Get your kicks? " she asks.
"Fuck you," I state as I start to walk past her.
"No thanks. I don't like pussywhores, but thanks for the offer." She laughs and gets up.
I look at her legs in the pleated plaid skirt and can't help the fantasies that play through my mind of my hands running up those creamy legs. As if on cue, my hands twitch wanting to reach out and grab what so infuriates my mind and soul. The demons are taunting: Take her, just one kiss, you know you want to taste that sweet sweet girl. You want to control her, tie her up, fuck her, and make her part of your darkness. I storm past her unwilling to give in to them just yet. She deserves better – wait where the fuck did that come from and why the fuck do I care.
Bella grabs my arm as I pass her. I stop and look at her.
"Does fucking keep the demons quiet?" her voice staying steady as she looks at me, never wavering in her expression.
"What the fuck do you know about demons or me for that matter? You're just a bitch trying to make herself feel better by saving us lost souls, right? Is that what your little family is about? Do we make you feel better?" I coldly state staring her directly in the eye.
She looks down and then back up, quietly stating, "We all have demons Dark Angel." Then, grabbing my face she forces me to look directly into her eyes. "And don't mention my family or people you know nothing about again. They at least own up to their shit. You avoid yours and drown in it."
She walks past me as I stand frozen, unable to move. How the hell did she waltz into my life and read me so well? Who the hell is this woman?
As she enters the main building, she smiles and says "See you in Latin sugar. I changed my schedule so we could have more "fun" times together. I figure if I am friends with Alice and Jazz , I should learn about you."
I stare after her, stunned. I take a breath and walk to class. I look down as my hands start to twitch and I check my watch. Fuck, not enough time for a fix. This is going to be a long first part of the day. Fuck me running.
