Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
AN: Not much to say, actually. Enjoy!
Awake my Soul – Part IV
The fridge was filled with food and drinks, but Loki couldn't decide what to take. He wasn't particularly hungry or thirsty, but he simply didn't know what else to do. So he stared into the fridge, contemplating whether or not to eat something, while he forced himself not to think of Anthony Edward Stark.
Only two hours had passed since their fight and Loki refused to torment himself over it. He was in his right to kick Tony out, wasn't he? Or had he overreacted? Thinking about this made his eyes water again and Loki refused to cry any more. He closed the fridge without taking anything and he was startled to find Fandral standing in the doorway.
"Sorry," Fandral said softly, "I didn't mean to scare you."
Loki leaned back against the fridge and inhaled deeply. "That's all right, I just didn't except you."
"Shouldn't you be hanging out with Tony?" Fandral stepped further into the kitchen and took himself a glass of water. All the time, he kept his eyes on Loki as if he was trying to figure something out. Suddenly he stopped and forgot all about his drink. "You've been crying."
Loki chuckled humourlessly. "Leave it to you to notice."
Fandral became extremely concerned and Loki didn't know if he enjoyed that or not. It might feel good to tell his story to someone, but was Fandral really the right guy? Had his fight with Tony not started with Fandral in the first place?
"It's nothing," he eventually said.
"No," Fandral was too stubborn to let this matter go, "I just told you, Loki, that you can tell me anything."
"I guess that's just it." He wasn't sure whether he wanted Fandral to hear those words or not. It was too late now because his eyes widened in confusion and Loki instantly wished he could take it back.
"I don't understand."
Reluctantly, Loki began to explain. "Tony and I had a fight and somehow, it was about you."
Fandral bit down on his lower lip and Loki knew it was a sign of unease. It were those little things that told Loki that he and Fandral knew each other very well. Perhaps too well. Fandral stepped closer towards him and after a moment of hesitation, he placed a hand on Loki's cheek. It was then that Loki realized that there lay truth in Tony's words and it shocked him.
The words were said with too much care and Loki hated that he caused Fandral too feel guilty. "I'm sorry."
Fandral didn't withdraw his hand, however, and Loki realized he needed to distance himself from the man. He quickly pulled his head away. "I thought it was ridiculous," he said, "Tony said you and I still flirt and I got angry because he thought I was imagining things, but now that I think of it about... It's true, isn't it?"
There was only silence while Fandral finally dropped his hand back into his lap. He didn't look away from Loki's green gaze and actually seemed a bit relieved with Loki's words. In the mean time, Loki couldn't believe he had been such an oblivious man.
"I like you, Fandral," he said, "you are one of my best friends, but I'm not sure you feel the same."
"What do you want me to say?"
"The truth."
Fandral nodded, as if preparing himself for something dreadful. "Breaking up with you was the worst mistake of my life," he said, the words flowing from his tongue and Loki just knew that Fandral had been practising this conversation a thousand times in his head, "now you and Tony are together and that's wrong. You don't belong with him and you know this. That's why you keep flirting back, Loki, and I won't give up on us. I want to win you back."
"I didn't realize you still felt that way," Loki sighed, "God, I have been keeping your hopes alive all this time."
"You knew exactly what you were doing, Loki," Fandral countered, "you're a smart man. You know what you want, but you just don't realize it. Why else would you flirt back?"
"No," Loki shook his head. He hated where this conversation was going. "I'm sorry."
"Don't say that," Fandral said softly, "just think about this. Think about your options and where you see yourself in ten years. Can you see a future with Tony?"
"I..." That was honestly a though question and not one answered in five seconds. "I really can't say."
"Then think about it," Fandral smiled, "and I'll wait because I know you'll make the right decision." With those words, he left the kitchen and Loki felt like crying again. When had his life become so complicated? When had Tony turned into a jerk and Fandral into a caring friend that wanted him back?
He had to think about it all and Loki knew he needed time. Lots of time.
oOo
Was there a point in life when you could think too much about something? Loki was seriously considering Thor to ask for advice because by some incredible miracle, he had a steady relationship with Jane Foster, a smart, elegant woman who could do so much better than Thor Odinson. At times, it irked Loki that Thor was having luck in love while he remained torn between two decent men.
On the one hand, there was Fandral. He was one year older than him, studied architecture, was madly in love with him and one of Thor's best friends. Fandral was kind, funny, loving and very down to earth. Loki had always had a thing for the man, ever since he met him when he was thirteen, but it had only been five years later that they had become a couple. Then, of course, they had broken up a year later and Loki honestly couldn't tell whether or not he still had hope for a future.
And then there was Tony. Anthony Edward Stark was a brilliant man who knew what he wanted, who almost always got what he wanted, but never really realized how much he needed certain things. He was a very stubborn man, a flap out who didn't always think before he said anything, but he could be sweet. Very loving and he had a unique sense of humour. He and Loki could discus certain topics for hours and they would still not be bored. So how did a man like Loki end up like this? He wasn't particularly funny or handsome, though he could admit that he was rather intelligent. More intelligent than Thor anyway.
He inhaled deeply and buried his head in his pillow. He had no idea what time it was, but judging by the position of the sun peeking through the shut curtains, it was well past ten in the morning.
He should have known Thor would be worried. Normally, Loki was the first one up and awake while Thor slept much longer, sometimes until two in the afternoon. The roles were now reversed, however, and Loki groaned when hearing Thor's heavy footsteps coming up the stairs. He wished for them to walk right past his door, but of course that didn't happen.
Thor burst into the room - again, like always - and paused. That was not something he often did and Loki rolled over in his bed so that he could have a better view of his brother. He narrowed his eyes when he found Thor frowning.
"Are you ill?" Thor asked.
"No."
"Then I don't know what this is about." Thor closed the door behind him and fully opened the curtains. The sunlight streamed inside and Loki quickly closed his eyes. "Loki, I am concerned for you."
Pulling his bedsheets over his head, Loki merely huffed. Next thing he knew, Thor pulled away his sheets and dropped them onto the floor.
"Hey," Loki protested, "I could have been sleeping naked!"
"You never do that," Thor grinned, "I know you that well."
Loki placed both his arms over his eyes and waited for Thor's next move. He felt his mattress shift underneath him and Loki sighed. He wasn't going to get rid of his brother and so he moved to lean on both his elbows.
"Did you know," he asked, holding Thor's blue gaze, "did you know about Fandral?"
Thor instantly knew what it was about. "Didn't you?"
"God, that makes me such an awful person, doesn't it?" Loki pulled up his knees and wrapped his arms around them. He wanted to bury his face into his pillow again, but Thor placed a hand on his shoulder and Loki couldn't help but look at him again.
"That's not true," Thor said sincerely, "you are the best man I know, Loki, and I'm not just saying that because you're my little brother. I have to be honest with you, though. You can be oblivious at times."
"I don't want to hurt anyone," Loki said, "especially not Fandral. He's such a good friend."
"Did you really think the man hangs out here all the time because of me?"
"He is your friend."
"And he's your ex-boyfriend."
Loki nodded. "I should have seen the signs. Now that I think about them, they're quite obvious. I feel horrible because I keep breaking his heart."
"Then don't," Thor simply said.
"Don't what?"
"Don't break his heart." Thor dropped both his hands into his lap. "Fandral is a good man, isn't he? You two were good together, even I knew that and I still don't understand why you broke up after a year."
Loki shrugged. "That's because we never told you."
"Then now is your chance."
Not sure whether it was the best idea, Loki began to explain, "He cheated on me, but I forgave him for it and he wasn't my boyfriend any more, but I still liked the idea of him being my friend." He watched horror flood Thor's eyes, but the man had enough self control to keep back any rants and curses.
It was almost a miracle to see Thor react so calmly and...intelligent. "Sounds like you still care for him."
"I do," Loki lowered his head into his hands, "that's what makes this so difficult. I don't want to hurt him, but...I don't think I want to be with him again because there is Tony now - who can be a jerk, by the way."
"I've always warned you," Thor smiled light heartedly.
"But I love him," Loki confessed and speaking those words made all the sense in the world, "I love Tony."
"Then you should tell not only Tony, but Fandral as well."
"You're right," Loki sighed, glad that he finally had an idea about what he had to do, "but Tony has to apologize first."
Thor suddenly turned very apprehensive. "Apologize for what exactly?"
Loki knew that telling Thor was risky, but he didn't want to hide anything from his brother. That never led to anything positive. "He said some things that were very hurtful," he said, hoping it was a good enough answer.
"I told you he's a jerk," Thor huffed.
"I know," Loki smiled. He actually felt better now. "Thanks, Thor."
"You're welcome!" Thor lifted himself from the bed and threw the sheets back into Loki's face. "Now get dressed. It's very unlike you do run around in your pyjamas until noon and you don't want to worry mother. She'll never let go of this matter."
Loki could only laugh.
oOo
Nerves weren't something Loki got easily, but today, he felt like eating his ten fingers. Thor had invited Fandral over to play some Call of Duty III- or whatever was 'in' at the moment - but that was only a ruse. Loki needed to talk to Fandral, but he felt he couldn't just invite him over because that might send the wrong signal.
And now, the door bell had sounded and Loki knew he should prepare himself. He heard Thor open the front door, but he couldn't understand what was being said. Only a second later, Fandral appeared in the living room, frowning and looking a little scared.
"Oh," Fandral said, instantly turning relieved. A broad smile spread across his face. "I thought something horrible had happened. Thor said you needed to speak with me urgently."
"He was telling the truth," Loki said. He signalled Fandral to take a seat and then joined him on the couch. This time, he made sure there was plenty of space between them. "There is something I have to tell you."
"I see," Fandral said softly. Of course the man was smart enough to figure out what this was about.
"I've thought long and hard about this, about us and I made a decision."
"Wait." Fandral shifted his position so that he completely faced Loki. "I want to talk first then."
"I'm not sure-"
"You are it, Loki," Fandral said, gazing directly into Loki's uncertain green eyes, "you are the man of my dreams and you have to admit that we were good together. We loved each other and we had some amazing times. It was incredibly stupid of me to cheat on you, Loki, and that might just be the worst mistake of my life."
There weren't any words coming to Loki's mind. He should say something, anything, but what? Fandral had just confessed his every emotion and thought to Loki who going to knock him down with his rejection. "I don't know what to say actually," he said truthfully.
"I love you and I will fight for you. Tony might be a good man, but he isn't right for you."
"Don't say that," Loki heard himself utter. His voice was barely a whisper and he didn't know where his confidence suddenly went.
"It's the truth." Out of nowhere, Fandral leaned forward and kissed Loki. It was oddly familiar and safe and Loki felt the urge to return the kiss, but he didn't. He was just taken off guard and he shouldn't allow Fandral to behave like that. He pushed him away.
"This," Fandral breathed, his face terribly close to Loki's, "this is the truth."
"No," Loki shook his head, closing his eyes, "it isn't." He felt Fandral's hands on his cheeks and he couldn't believe the man was making this so very hard. "Please stop."
"Why?"
Loki took both Fandral's arms and pushed them down. He opened his eyes and stared coldly into Fandral's soft gaze. "Because you're breaking my heart."
The words seemed to hit Fandral across the face. "No," he said, "no, no. I am fixing you, Loki. We are perfect for each other, just you and me together."
Inhaling deeply, Loki steadied himself. "No."
Loki had never thought it possible, but Fandral did the one thing that hurt Loki most of all. He kissed him again and Loki struggled, but Fandral refused to let him go. Loki's heart raced in his chest and he kicked out a leg, hoping that Fandral would finally understand that what he was doing was wrong. Eventually, Fandral did let go of him, but only because they still needed to breathe.
"I said stop," Loki snapped, grabbing the opportunity to flee from the couch. Fandral reached out to him, however, and took hold of his arm. "Let me go."
"You're making a mistake, Loki."
"I said, let. Me. Go," he repeated.
Out of nowhere, Thor entered and before Loki or Fandral understood what he was doing, Thor grabbed hold of Fandral's shirt and violently pushed him back. "You heard my brother," Thor growled.
Fandral needed a moment to process what was happening exactly – as did Loki – but he managed to recollect himself quickly. "Are you fine with this," Fandral asked angrily, "with Loki and Tony?"
"It's his decision," Thor merely stated, "now get out."
For a long second, nothing happened and Fandral only switched his gaze between the two brothers, but he knew this was a fight he could not win. He straightened his back and let his hands slip into the pockets of his jeans. "You are making a grave mistake, Loki," he said and then left the house.
Thor only turned to look at his younger brother, only concern in his eyes. That was a surprise, actually, because Loki had expected anger and disappointment. Loki had forced himself to almost fight with his friend after all.
"Are you okay?" Thor asked.
"Thanks to you," he replied softly.
"Fandral is my friend," Thor said, "but you are my brother and you will always come first. I will always have your back."
Loki smiled. It were moments like these that told him why he loved his idiot brother. "I know."
