Chapter the Third
My loins are under siege from you, fair prince.
"Jesus bloody motherfucking shit. I am going to die."
It turned out that getting Arthur alone wasn't as easy as Eames had previously thought. Dom wasn't letting him anywhere near and Arthur hadn't strayed from his guarded room almost all day, so Eames had had to improvise. He was starting to regret that now that he was halfway up the castle wall, attempting to climb up to the balcony outside Arthur's bedroom in the middle of the night. Note the words 'attempting to'.
"This was your idea," Yusuf called up unhelpfully.
"Shut up and watch out for guards like I told you to," said Eames, scrabbling at the rough stones for purchase.
"I think perhaps, sire, it might be better to stand here in case you need me to save you in the event of you imminently falling off that wall."
"I'm not going to fall," said Eames, and slipped down about three feet.
"You were saying, sire?"
Eames struggled up the wall and grabbed helplessly for the balcony.
"Majestic," Yusuf said dryly, as Eames clutched at the balcony, trying to haul himself up onto it with little success.
"Not helping," said Eames, his legs thrashing in mid-air.
After a few minutes, he'd managed to crawl up onto the balcony, panting with the effort. Luckily for him, Arthur's bedroom door was open a little way to let the evening air in, because it was a hot night and Uther's castle was crap and had no air con.
"Well, that wasn't too bad," he said.
Yusuf gave him a look.
"It was painful just watching you."
"Stay there. I'll need your help getting down."
"You plan on getting down?"
"Yusuf, I'm not a complete lech. I can keep it in my trousers, you know."
"Experience tells me otherwise."
"You have no experience with the ravaging beast. Now shut up and stay there. I'll be five minutes."
"Wow, that's quick. I hope Arthur won't be too disappointed."
"Shut up!" said Eames, pushed the door open, and went in.
Arthur's bed was a huge four-poster affair. Eames deemed it even more impressive than his own bed, and Eames knew beds. The curtains were drawn, so Eames pulled one back and peered inside. Arthur was sitting up, sheets rucked up around him, staring at him.
"What the fuck are you doing, Eames?" he hissed.
"You're awake?"
"Surprisingly enough, yes. I was woken by the excessively loud sounds of some idiot climbing up the wall to my balcony! What are you doing here?"
"I wanted to get you alone."
"Oh did you now."
"Listen, can I just," said Eames, and climbed in, sitting on the bed by Arthur.
"No you can't!"
"Just give me a minute, I have to tell you something."
"What?"
"Um," Eames took a breath, and then said very quickly, "I have a lot of feelings for you and they are feelings of a positive nature so I'm going to be chivalrous and good for you and woo you because I really care and I want to marry you sometime if you're up for it because you're just I don't know I just need you."
Arthur frowned.
"What?"
"I'm going to woo you."
"Woo me?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because I know you think I'm a user and a perve and a cheat, and you're only partly right. I can be honourable, for you. So I'm going to woo you properly, like with poems and flowers and all that shit like you're meant to and I won't touch you inappropriately or make innuendos or anything."
Arthur made a small whining noise because this really was too much, he didn't know what to do, what he wanted. Eames took his hand and kissed it.
"I really – I do care about you," he said.
Arthur's breath caught in his throat and he felt like he really, really needed to break that promise to himself about not shagging Eames right now.
"Eames…"
"So, yeah. I just thought I'd let you know that now, so you can just –"
"Eames."
"Yes?"
"I've been thinking, and I – I thought I should say – I'm sorry I didn't come back for you."
Eames smiled, squeezed Arthur's hand.
"I'm sorry I tried to sully your virtue."
Arthur crawled closer.
"I'm sorry for screaming at you."
"I'm sorry for screaming back."
"I'm sorry for getting you shut in the dungeons."
"I'm sorry for getting you shut in a broom cupboard."
Arthur smiled and crawled into Eames' lap. Eames hugged him tightly.
"I can be chivalrous," he said, "For you. You're worth it. I'd fight scores of soldiers if it meant that you'd be mine."
Arthur's hands gripped onto him tightly.
"You're just saying that."
Eames laughed and tipped Arthur's chin up with his fingers to face him.
"Arthur, I want to prove, to you, to everyone, that I want you. For as long as you'll have me."
"Eames…" said Arthur, and felt his resolve crumble.
"I've got to go," said Eames, because he was a chivalrous knight, not a horny bugger, and he was going to leave because that was the honourable thing to do.
"Won't you kiss me goodbye?" Arthur asked.
He didn't even let Eames answer, just leant forwards, hands on Eames' shoulders, and kissed him, soft and slow. Eames kept it chaste, didn't push for anything more, because he was just here to declare the commencement of his wooing, nothing more, even if he did kind of really want to fuck Arthur into the mattress. It was like before, but it was different. They were older but none the wiser, because they still wanted this, like they needed it to breathe. Eames pushed Arthur back slightly, tipping his head back with one hand, kissing his mouth open. It had been four years since he had kissed Arthur and it was like nothing had changed, because he remembered this, he remembered the way Arthur fitted against him, the warmth of his mouth, the press of his tongue, and he had missed it, he had missed it so much.
But at that moment the universe remembered that actually, it didn't like Eames, and Arthur and Eames heard the latch on bedroom door being unfastened. They froze, mid-kiss.
"Shit," Arthur whispered, "Hide!"
"Where?"
Arthur scrambled off Eames and shoved the bedsheets onto him. Eames huddled up at the end of the bed under a mound of sheets, hoping to God his dreadful hiding place wouldn't be discovered because Dom would probably have him executed if it was. Arthur lay back down in bed as if he was still asleep.
"Arthur?" came a small voice.
Arthur sat up, pulled back a curtain to see the small figure standing in his doorway.
"Ariadne," he said, "What are you doing up?"
"Can't sleep."
The little girl came closer. Arthur, cursing his relatives for their seemingly innate ability to cockblock him, relented and hoisted her up onto his lap.
"And you'll be able to sleep better with me?" he said huffily.
"No, we can be awake together. I'm bored being awake on my own."
"Yes, well some of us are trying to sleep, Ari, which is, incidentally, what you're meant to do at bedtime."
"Sleeping's boring."
"Your face is boring."
"Don't like you," said Ariadne, sticking her tongue out and rolling off her brother, to the other side of the bed.
That was, however, the side of the bed that Eames was currently occupying, and Ariadne bumped into him.
"Who's here?" she asked, pulling the sheets back to reveal Eames.
He looked up at her awkwardly.
"Hello."
"Eames?" she cried.
"You know each other?" said Arthur, "What, did you meet in a forest a few years ago as well?"
"We met this evening," said Eames, sitting up and dislodging the sheets he was encased in, "Beautiful here was telling me how she wants to be a knight."
"Eames is going to teach me how to fight," said Ariadne happily.
"Oh is he now?"
"Eames, why are you in Arthur's bed?" asked Ariadne.
"Um, I was just, you know – I was checking he was safe. Part of my knightly duties. Got to – guard the king and his family."
"Yeah, you're all about duty," said Arthur flatly.
"It's okay," said Ariadne, putting a small hand on Eames' shoulder, "I know about doing sex."
"Ariadne!" Arthur scolded.
"What? It's just what grown-ups do when they love each other. Do you love Arthur?"
"Yes," said Eames instinctively, "But we weren't –"
"Wait, what?" Arthur cried.
"Well, that is why I'm wooing you, darling."
"What – how can you love me? What did I do to deserve that?"
"I really don't know what I did to deserve it."
"But you hardly know me," Arthur reasoned, trying to persuade himself as much as Eames.
Eames shrugged.
"I know everything I need to."
"What, that I'm a prince? That you can use me, like you've used so many other people?"
Eames came closer, put his hands either side of Arthur's face.
"That you're the single most beautiful person I've ever met, and if there's anyone better I don't care to meet them."
"Eames…"
"I thought I was beautiful," Ariadne piped up, killing the moment.
"No, you're horrible," said Eames.
Arthur decided never again to have an emotional revelation in the presence of his annoying kid sister. It was a total mood killer.
"Do you want me to go, so you can do sex?" asked said annoying kid sister.
"I'm leaving," said Eames resignedly, pulling away from Arthur.
"Why?" asked Ariadne.
"Well, I – need to carry on with my knightly duties. Make sure everyone else in the castle is safe as well."
"Slut," said Arthur.
"Listen, Ariadne," said Eames seriously, "Before I go, you have to promise me you won't tell anyone about this. I was never here. So keep this secret, or I won't teach you how to fight. Okay?"
The little girl huffed.
"Okay," she relented.
"Good girl."
Eames ruffled her hair because he knew it annoyed her and she quite deserved a little bit of annoyance.
"Goodnight," he said, giving Arthur's hand a quick squeeze before he left.
Arthur winced as he heard a loud clatter outside and a quiet, "Ow…"
"Arthur," said Ariadne, shuffling closer to her brother, "Do you love Eames?"
"I don't know, Ari," sighed Arthur, idly playing with her long dark hair.
"Will you get married? Will you forget about me because you've got him to play with now?"
Arthur took his sister by the shoulders.
"Ari, I could never forget about you. I love you. Even though you're bloody hard work."
"Love you," said Ariadne, and kissed him clumsily.
"Now, can we please go to sleep?"
That night, Arthur lay awake and fumed silently. He was furious with Eames . Again. He was also furious with himself. Again. These two feelings were not unconnected. Allowing Eames to woo him was a stupid idea. Eames was just trying to persuade him he was going to stick around. He'd make promises he couldn't keep, pretend Arthur meant something to him, then bugger off back to Zenith, wherever that was. Kissing him was a stupid idea too. He just hadn't been able to stop himself – his whole body had rebelled against him, and he'd just let it happen. And Arthur normally never allowed his genitals to influence his decisions, the dirty bastards. Arthur made up his mind. Eames didn't love him – that was ridiculous. He was never going to kiss Eames again, or touch him, or even go near him for that matter. He was going to insist that Eames retract his ridiculous offer of wooing at once. Yes, that was the sensible thing to do. God, he was becoming like Dom.
Arthur woke up the next morning with his little sister curled up around him. Eames woke up the next morning with a splitting headache and bruises on most parts of his body.
"Well, that's what happens when you fall six feet down a wall," said Yusuf unsympathetically, shoving him out of bed.
Eames groaned in pain and writhed slightly on the cold stone floor.
"Come on. You've got to woo your moody teenaged love."
"Can I do it without moving?"
"No," said Yusuf, brandishing How to Woo Your Maiden, "It says here you need to win your prince's affections with gifts. Er, exotic fruits, ribbons, jewellery, flowers…"
"I don't have any of those things."
"Then you'll just have to get some. Come on, get up."
"Five more minutes," said Eames, and pulled the sheets over his head.
"This isn't the most auspicious start to your romance," Yusuf said dryly.
"Auspicious? Yusuf, I tried to screw him in a forest when he was fifteen. I meet him again and his brother goes apeshit, shuts Arthur in a broom cupboard and me in the dungeons, and threatens me with immediate physical expulsion! There is nothing auspicious about it!"
"Well, look on the bright side. How could it get any worse?"
