Tuesday arrived quicker than anticipated and Dean stared in the mirror looking down at the black suit feeling his stomach flood with nerves. His eyes roamed over to Lucas in his chair sucking on his pacifier and watching him with wide eyes. Dean smiled softly over at him and turned to look at the mirror with a nod.
"I can do this" he murmured softly and jumped out of his skin when the knocker on the front door rapped loudly. Dean looked up at the time to see it was exactly 8am and raised an eyebrow opening the front door.
"Efficiency, I like it" Dean said letting him in. Castiel smiled softly taking off his coat and looked him over.
"How are you feeling?"
"I'm feeling alright, Mary Poppins"
"Funny" Castiel muttered with a puff of laughter moving down the hall towards the living room. Lucas turned his head when he came into view dropping down to his knees smiling widely in greeting.
"Truth be told I am nervous as hell" Dean murmured picking at the black tie. "I haven't been to a funeral since my dad and…now I'm going to my dead girlfriends"
Castiel looked up at him in pity and stood up looking into soft green eyes shadowed in despair and pain.
"I've only ever been to one funeral as well and that was my mother's when I was three years old and was my told my mother had gone to heaven" he said with a small sad smile. "I had no idea about death but I knew it was sad and I missed her terribly but time is a great healer and…I hate to say this but at least Lucas is at age where doesn't he feel it and can be told all the wonderful things she was when he's older"
Dean swallowed hard glancing up at the ceiling and nodded firmly. "You're right, you are so right, I just didn't expect to be going to her funeral"
"Well you only have to go the ceremony and you can skip the wake" Castiel said picking up Lucas and holding him against his chest. Dean nodded inhaling deeply and moved across holding out his hands for Lucas who was passed over.
"Okay, my little tiger, dada is going to go somewhere sad but necessary and Cas here is your nanny for the day so you be a good boy" he murmured kissing the top of his head and handing him back to Castiel. Castiel smiled warmly at him and bobbed his head.
"I'll be fine with him, you can trust me"
"Yeah" Dean said scooping up his keys and moving along to the hallway. "I'll be back soon"
Castiel waved Lucas's fist at him watching him leave and looked at Lucas when the front door closed shut.
"It's just you and me little one" he whispered with a smile. "Let's go see this rota"
Castiel moved to the fridge looking over the rota with a furrowed brow.
"I see that you are due a bottle in half an hour" he said pulling back and looking down to see wide dark green eyes look back surprised. "Shall we go play? Yeah, I think we should"
Castiel sat down on the sofa cradling him close looking over him and smoothed a hand down his hair admiring him simply.
"Your dada will be back soon and he's going to need his little boy isn't he?" Castiel murmured and smiled softly when his pacifier fell out of his mouth so he could stare at him with an open mouth.
"Why are you looking so shocked? It's the truth" he said shaking his head at him. "I don't know him or even you very well yet but I guess that's going to change when I'm looking after you when dada goes to work. I do know that he's very strong because losing a loved one is very painful and he's being very strong for you but he needs help"
Lucas looked away and towards the television uninterested making Castiel chuckle and pop back in his pacifier.
"I'm sorry for boring you" he murmured gently getting up and strapping him back into his chair. Castiel stood up looking at the mantel piece on top of the fire and picked up the photo of Amanda sitting on a park bench looking radiant and happy. Prickles of sadness swept through him as he looked over seeing a picture of a younger Dean with a smaller boy, a blonde woman, and an older man. Dean guessed it was his family and stepped back heading into the kitchen to prepare this morning bottle.
Dean stood next to Florence and Bill staring down at the coffin lowering into the ground feeling a wave of nausea.
"It's not fair" he whispered up to the blue sky.
He stepped back when the sermon was finished and walked away from her family not looking back as he brought out his car keys.
"Dean!" Florence called out following after him. Dean stopped with a roll of his eyes looking over his shoulder towards her and Bill walking over to him.
"Are you coming to the wake?"
"No, I have a son waiting at home for me"
"Dean…"
"Look I don't want to stand around a bunch of people I don't know and couldn't care less about, Flo, I'm going home to be with my son after burying his mom and my girlfriend" he hissed looking between them. "I'll see you around"
Dean turned on his heel stalking away and not looking back as he headed towards the Impala. He slammed the door hard seething and drove back home not before stopping a layby and breathing out a shaky breath. Tears that he had held back for so long pooled in his eyes streaking down his face in slow streams till he choked back a sob. Dean hated how destroyed he felt and covered his face letting it fall till it hit the steering wheel with a dull thud that echoed around his skull.
Sniffing deeply, Dean scrubbed at his face and sat back exhaling.
"Come on man, you can't do this" he murmured starting her back up again and setting off back home. Dean arrived back thirty minutes later pleased to discover it hadn't burnt down and hopped out heading inside.
"Cas?" he called walking in and dropping his keys not hearing a sound. "Lucas?"
"In here" Castiel called turning his head towards Dean who walked in the living room to see Lucas bobbing gently in his chair fast asleep. Dean looked at Castiel's foot gently rocking him and smirked.
"How's he been?"
"Okay, he had his bottle, watched television and cried a little but now he's fast asleep after I changed a questionable diaper" he said with a small smile. "I've done this job before Dean"
"I know you've been great" Dean murmured shrugging off his jacket and draped it across the chair.
"How was it?" Castiel muttered softly standing up to walk over to him.
"It was a funeral, I stood at that grave looking down as her body encased in a wooden box was dropped in and I had to say goodbye to her" Dean whispered with a shake of his head feeling traitorous tears in his eyes. Castiel noticed and placed a warm hand on his shoulder squeezing gently in an act of comfort. Dean turned his head to look at it and looked over him with a small smile.
"I've never met someone like you before"
"I am one in a million"
"Thanks for this"
"I'm your new nanny" Castiel said with a shrug. "It's what I'm here for"
Dean nodded closing his eyes for a long moment before needing caffeine and moved away switching on the kettle. Castiel turned his head looking at Lucas sleeping soundly away and joined Dean in the kitchen to see him rubbing the bridge between his eyes in irritation.
"You look like you need a good night sleep"
"I do, he won't sleep properly" Dean said glancing over to him. "It's like he knows something is up"
"Well he's only two weeks old, Dean, he's going to be struggling a little being brand new"
"I know"
"Look, I'm here all day so you go and get a good sleep and I'll take care of Lucas"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes" Castiel responded with a smile pointing at the stairs. Dean blinked surprised and ignored the coffee doing as he was told as he turned to walk up the stairs.
"Call me if you…"
"Dean, go and have some sleep"
Dean fought back a smile walking up the stairs and dropping down face first on the bed with a groan. He inhaled the musky smell of old soap and lifted his head with a sigh glancing around the room. It was still littered with Amanda's things bringing a painful punch to Dean's chest who knew he would have to clean it all out soon if he was going to get peace. Dean stripped out of his clothing and moved curling up into the comfortable bed. His mind whirled inside of him and he looked across the space seeing the empty pillow and felt his heart give a long pang. His hand reached out slowly curling into the soft cold sheet longing for the warmth of another body next to his.
Dean sighed curling it towards him and nestled further into the pillow shutting down his mind and let the lull of sleep claim him.
Castiel took Dean's coffee instead and leans against the counter sipping it when a snuffle and a wail startle him into action. Lucas strains in his chair looking up at him when he undoes the straps and pulls him to his chest and shoulder.
"Well that wasn't long" Castiel said stroking a hand down his back as he whimpered and wailed. "No wonder your dada looks like he's five seconds from dropping to the floor in an exhausted heap"
The phone rang on cue and he looked at it with a grimace before grabbing it quickly and answering it.
"Hello?"
"Dean, is that you?" a soft woman's voice said.
"No, um, this is Castiel, I'm Lucas's nanny"
"Oh! Yes, Dean told me about you, Castiel, I'm Mary Winchester, I'm his mother"
"Nice to speak to you"
"You too, is my son there?"
Castiel glanced at the stairs and refused to wake him up. "He's just got back from the funeral and is sleeping while I care for Lucas"
"I see…well if you could get him to call me back when he wakes up"
"Of course, Mrs Winchester"
"Call me, Mary"
"Of course, Mary" Castiel said softly with a smile listening to her goodbyes and he hung up the phone looking over to Lucas staring at the phone in confusion.
"I know, the world is crazy isn't it? I'm speaking into a piece of plastic" he said with a roll of his eyes looking into his eyes and smiling. "Ask me again in six years what it is"
A jolt runs through him at the remark and he glances at Lucas staring around the room focusing on different objects.
"If I'm still here in six years" he murmured correcting himself and patting his bottom gently. "Another dirty nappy, you are truly a pooping machine"
Castiel takes him upstairs and glances in the main bedroom to see Dean strewn across the bed snoring softly in the silent air. His lips form into a small pleased smile and he shushes Lucas as they walk into the nursery and he places him in the changing mat.
"I don't know when I'm going to see you again because your dada isn't going back to work just yet and I don't think he will for a while" Castiel said with a small smile. "But I'm sure it should all work out"
Lucas simply stares up at him uncurling and curling his fists over and over again until Castiel is done and pulling on his little pants.
"Done and dusted" Castiel murmured softly picking him up and moving to the window squinting at the sky and the sunshine. "It's a gorgeous day"
Lucas whimpers in his arms and he shushes him gently turning to rock him in his arms and holds out his fingers which Lucas takes full control of as he grips them squeezing and nipping the fine skin.
Dean woke up from what felt like a year sleep to hear nothing around him and turned looking over his shoulder before stretching out and moaning loudly in relief. He sat up blinking the sleep out of his eyes and moved dropping his feet on the cold wooden floors hearing a soft singing.
His curiosity grew as he walked into the nursery to see Castiel stood in the nursery with Lucas in his arms rocking him gently and singing a nursery rhyme.
"Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are" he crooned softly to Lucas cuddled close to his chest. Dean felt a shiver shoot down his spine and swallowed hard shaking his head tapping his fingers on the door. Castiel turned looking over to him giving him a small smile.
"How did you sleep?"
"Really good, thanks for this, Cas, you really are an expert" he murmured walking in and peering down at Lucas. "It feels weird that this isn't awkward"
"Awkward?" Castiel whispered confused gently passing Lucas over.
"Well, yeah, we met in a supermarket and we're practically strangers"
"Well isn't that the whole idea of meeting someone and getting to know them? I'm glad it's not awkward" Castiel said with a furrowed brow.
"No, no, so-so am I, I'm just…ignore me" he said awkwardly with a shake of his head looking down at Lucas. "I think we need to discuss, um, the nanny-ing"
"You mean when I should return"
"I'm going back to work in three months' time but I want you to bond with him and I want to get to know you better so how about you come every weekend?" Dean said looking in the eye.
Castiel contemplated it and nodded. "Every Saturday"
"Sunday if you want too"
"When do you go back?"
"November 2nd"
"Then I will be here every Saturday and Sunday to bond with you both till the day you go back and my job begins"
Dean blinked and nodded looking down at Lucas. "I'd really appreciate the training as well"
"Training?"
"To be a better dad for him"
Castiel looked at him bemused and shook his head. "Dean, you don't need my training but if you really want it I'll help you out but you're already an amazing dad"
Dean felt his cheeks flush rosy pink and he looked down embarrassed at Lucas.
"I don't think so"
Castiel shook his head with a roll of his eyes stretching out his back. Dean's eyes roamed over to him seeing a flush of skin and hip bones. His stomach curled with desire which he pointedly ignored rocking his sleeping child.
"Do you want me to leave?"
"Um, no if that's okay, I need to sort my room with Amanda's stuff. I know a lot of people would say wait and let them linger but I can't sleep in that room properly surrounded by her stuff knowing she's never going to spray her perfume, dress in her clothes, and I just need to pack it all away and deal with it then" Dean said passing Lucas back to Castiel who nodded in agreement.
"Closure"
"Closure" Dean said in agreement raking a hand through his dark brown hair feeling a nervous tick in his stomach.
"We'll be downstairs" Castiel said with a nod moving around Dean and heading back down the stairs. Dean looked around the nursery inhaling an old faint smell of paint, diaper cream, and the smell that was all baby. It was time.
~0~0~0~
Dean picked up a bottle of perfume sniffing the top and feeling a flood of longing flood through him. He missed her a lot and the smell lingered around him. It was almost too painful for words packing away her belongings into plastic bags and handing away her life to her parents who would just store them away in their attic or garage.
Dean stripped the room bare sticking everything from her clothes to her teddy bear into the bag. He looked over to an ornate teddy bear on the side that belonged to Amanda on the cabinet. He smiled remembering her devotion to the bear and still now he had no idea where it came from or even who it came from. Dean smiled softly letting it stay and collected the bags hauling them downstairs to the front door.
Sweat covered his brow and back leaving him exhausted and tired.
"I need to go the gym" he murmured wiping a hand across his brow and looked up when Castiel walked in handing him a glass of orange juice.
"It's a warm day" he said with a shrug. Dean eyed him and gave him the thumbs up in thanks as he gulped it back and handed the glass back.
"Thanks, Poppins"
"You are not funny"
"If there is one thing you'll learn about me, Cas, it's that I'm hilarious"
"Plus a bad liar" Castiel teased.
Dean stared at him shocked and laughed watching him walk back into the kitchen. He blinked startled at the burst of happiness in his chest and knew it was probably inappropriate. Dean picked up the bags hauling them out of the door and popped open the back of the car placing them inside.
Dean returned inside closing the front door with a quiet snap resting against it till he heard a gurgle and familiar sounds of Lucas. Castiel looked up from the floor where Lucas was lying on a play mat staring up at the animals and colours above him.
"It was a gift I think so I opened it out for him and well….he loves it"
"It was from one of his aunties from Amanda's side" Dean said dropping down on the couch cracking his knuckles and closing his eyes.
Castiel gave a faint smile looking down at Lucas and straightened up. "I had better be going"
"Thanks, Cas, you've been a great help"
"I'll see you next Saturday"
"Yeah" Dean said with a nod looking up at him as he pulled on his jacket and glanced over to Lucas.
"If you need anything or are in a predicament just call me"
Dean nodded looking away and hearing him walk out of the house closing the door behind him with a quiet snap. Lucas gurgled and cooed on the floor kicking his legs and feet as he stared up at the colourful objects. Dean looked away from him up to Amanda's picture and bit down on his lip.
"I hope wherever you are, you're kinda proud of me" he whispered with a shake of his head amused and dropped down crawling over to Lucas. "I know she's proud of you"
Dean pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead and smiled feeling waves of love as he gentle hands paw at his teeth and a sound of joy that spread through him and warmed him to the point where he knew things could only get better.
A/N: This will be a slow progress one, guys; they aren't just going to fall in love straight away because that's a bit unreal.
Anyway, thank you for the reviews!
