Summary: She's letting it go. Slowly but surely she's moving on, because she refuses to allow the darkness of her past to cloud her future. Their future. Spoilers for Always. Follows Wake To The Light.
Author's Note: Okay, so I wound up introducing a character I was planning to just mention in passing. What is it with this story and it's propensity for taking me in different directions? I guess it shouldn't surprise me anymore.
Disclaimer: I'm running out of creative ways to say I don't own Castle. Not that anyone actually thinks that I do...
Chapter 4
"So what brings you here today?"
Kate shrugs, curls one leg beneath her, her socked toes poking out from beneath her opposite thigh. Her posture is much more open than usual, everything about her is lighter and more relaxed than normal, from the loose-fitting top to the curled hair that tumbles over her shoulders, just the front strands secured back with bobby pins.
"Did something happen?"
She nods, a slight smile lifting the corners of her mouth. "You could say that."
He nods pensively. "You look...calm."
Kate's smile grows, spreading to her eyes. "I am."
"That's unusual," the therapist points out, leaning forward to rest his chin on his clasped hands. "Usually you're here for the opposite reason."
"I quit," Kate blurts out suddenly, saving Dr. Burke from any further attempts to ease her into her session, into disclosing her inner struggles. She does not need to dance around it anymore because there is no reason to hide; not from him, and certainly not from Castle. "I resigned."
"You..." his eyes widen in shock. "From the force?"
Kate nods, toys with a loose thread on the arm of the leather chair.
"When?"
"Three days ago."
"And what prompted this decision?"
Kate pauses, sorting her thoughts into words. "A lot of things," she admits. "We...Castle and I...we fought. We argued and yelled and he walked away, said he wasn't coming back."
Burke sits back in his chair, rests his left ankle on his right knee. Obviously there is much more to the story, because if Castle is still absent from her life, there is no way she would be this calm and collected.
"He'd been looking into my case, he cut a deal for my safety, and I was so mad. So mad. So I told myself I didn't care that he left, because how could he do that?"
He nods understandingly, remains silent.
"I know why," Kate clarifies. continuing without being prompted. "I was too angry to even try to understand at the time, though. So I went back to work without him, back to working my case."
"And something happened."
She nods. "I almost..." she brushes aside her hair, tilts her head to reveal the yellowing remainder of fingerprints around her neck. "I fought with my sniper."
If the ugly handprints on her neck come as a shock, Burke does an excellent job of hiding it. "Your...the man who shot you?"
Kate nods again.
"You found him?"
She laughs harshly. "More like he found us. Knocked out one of my partners and wrestled me to the ground. I chased him onto the roof and we fought more. He...threw me over the edge and I almost fell."
Kate swipes at a tear, blinks hard to hold back the others. The last three days have been the happiest and most peaceful of recent memory but the emotions she has been suppressing are bound to surface at some point. It is the main reason she told Castle that she needed to meet with her therapist before they head out of the city.
"My...another one of my partners saved me just in time. But he...he came with backup. With our Captain, and we hadn't told her what we were doing. So she..." she pauses for a stabilizing breath, "she put two of us on suspension. But I just...she asked for my badge and I just didn't want it anymore. When I was hanging from that roof, the only thing I could think about was Castle. I didn't even care that my shooter got away. And I realized that the badge wasn't what I wanted anymore. It wasn't the life I wanted to live."
"So you resigned."
She nods, captures two more tears with her index finger.
"Do you regret it?"
Kate shrugs hesitantly. "I don't know. Not yet, but I feel like I'm going to at some point. I don't think it's completely sunk in yet, you know?"
"You're worried." It was not a question.
"Yes."
"Why?"
"I..." What is she worried about exactly? "I don't know. I don't...I still stand by my decision. I just...it's all I've ever known. And it's gone and now...now what? Now who am I?"
The doctor nods thoughtfully, purses his lips in preparation to speak.
"That's for you to decide," he answers. "I know it probably seems like you're flailing now, but self-discovery of this caliber often feels as such."
"I do," she agrees. "I feel like...like I'm drifting. I used to have such a clear purpose and now...I don't know. I don't know what's next."
"You know," Dr. Burke offers, "I might suggest that this would be an ideal time to consider taking a bit of a vacation. Allow yourself some time to relax and recuperate and think things through."
Kate smiles again. "I'm planning one, actually."
"Oh?" He raises an eyebrow nearly imperceptibly but Kate can tell that he is onto her and merely waiting for her to confirm what he probably already suspects.
"With Castle."
He nods, ducking his head to hide a smile, because therapists are supposed to remain emotionally detached from their patients, but he has been rooting for them all along, because how could he not?
"I suspected there was more to this story."
Kate grins unashamedly. "There is, yes."
He nods, gestures for her to continue.
"I went to him that night, after I left the precinct. He was...really upset still. But I apologized and we..." Kate feels a blush stain her cheeks, cannot even find it within herself to be embarrassed because she is too happy and in love. "Let's just say that we're good now. Great, even."
"So you resigned, made up..." he said 'up,' not 'out,' she silently scolds herself as her mind flashes to Castle's lips and naked form and...no, no, focus, Kate! "...with your partner, and are planning a vacation with him."
"Ye...yes." She forces her voice to be steady, wills the blood to drain from her cheeks back into the rest of her body.
"Sounds like you've had a busy few days."
She chuckles. "You could say that." In more ways than one, her brain supplies, and...no, geez, she should not be thinking about her naked partner while at a therapy appointment.
"Are you worried about the vacation?"
Kate shakes her head without hesitation. "No."
"Are you concerned about recent...developments?"
"No. We've...we've talked a lot. And I think...it feels solid, you know? Not as weird or scary as I was expecting."
Burke nods again, eyes understanding as they search hers for any hints of doubt, find none.
"So your main worry is your resignation?"
"Yeah, I just...it still feels surreal and I didn't want to get out to the Hamptons with him and have a breakdown, you know. I wanted to deal with it before we left."
"You've come a long way, Kate."
"I...thank you," she manages, caught off guard by his blunt statement and the level of truth she knows it contains. She has been fighting against herself for the past year, fighting to be better and stronger. And to have finally attained a sense of inner peace she did not know was possible makes her feel so free and alive.
"Just one more question," he adds.
Kate cocks her head, meets his eyes.
"Have you told him yet?"
"That I remember? Or that I..."
He merely sits in silence, allowing her to work her way through his question unguided.
"He...I haven't told him directly," she says after a moment, "but he knows that I remember. And he knows why I didn't say anything about it."
Burke nods, continues to wait. They have never directly discussed her feelings for her partner, but he is interested now to see where her train of thought is taking her.
"And I...I will," she hedges, dancing around the words that want so badly to escape her lips. Maybe saying them here will help...a trial run of sorts, since she has never flat-out admitted it to anyone. "I will tell him, now that I'm a little more...back on my feet."
He quirks an eyebrow, silently egging her on.
Kate takes a breath, decides it best to just say the words. "I love him."
She freezes momentarily as the words echo through the silence, filling the air. It sounds weird to hear them actually spill from her mouth after so many months of holding back, but she also feels a giant weight lift from her shoulders, freeing her. God, it feels so good to finally let it out.
And judging by the doctor's not-so-subtle grin, he too can feel the change, the drastic decrease of tension. Tension that Kate did not realize was there until just now, now that the constant need to hold back has been eradicated.
She smiles to herself, lifts her head to meet Burke's eyes. "I...thank you," she says softly, feels the strain continue to roll off of her in waves.
"I'm proud of you," is all he says in response, because, really, what more is there to say?
She has come so far in the last year, and he has watched her emerge from behind her self-imposed wall step by step, has witnessed her blossom into someone even stronger and fiercer than she was before. Into someone who has finally come to terms with her past and is allowing herself to move forward and be happy and fall in love.
"Thank you," she says again, eyes awash with gratitude and joy and a serenely confident quality he has not witnessed until today.
"Congratulations, Kate. Have a wonderful vacation. You deserve it."
She wants to hug him. And there's someone at the loft who she wants to hug even more.
"You ready to go?"
Kate looks up into the excited blue eyes of her partner, steps away from his bookshelf and into his waiting arms. His hair is still a bit tousled, but at least the lips gloss is wiped away and most of the wrinkles are gone from his shirt.
She cannot completely contain her guilty smile at the fact that they are now running about twenty minutes late. "Yeah."
"You find enough to read?"
She lifts her left hand, stacked with five books from his enormous collection. She could easily find a hundred more if she had the time, but right now the call of the beach is stronger.
"There are plenty more up there," he promises.
She kisses him on the cheek, smiles. "I'm sure."
He guides her from the office with a hand on the small of her back, leads her to the living room where Alexis is waiting by the front entrance, suitcase at her feet and a smaller bag slung over her shoulder.
"Ready, Kate?" she asks with a smile.
Already things have begun to smooth over between them. They have chatted a few times in the last three days, touching on various subjects, and the teen has already learned that regardless of her apprehensions about Kate and her father's relationship, the woman is a wealth of knowledge and information, especially about college-related things.
"I am," Kate replies with an answering smile, feels a little more weight lift off of her shoulders at Alexis's calm demeanor.
It has been just under twenty-four hours since her conversation with Burke, three days since her awkward conversation with Alexis, four since she barged into Castle's loft soaking wet and kissed him. With the exception of her therapy appointment and swinging by her apartment this morning to pack, she has not left the loft.
And she is completely okay with that.
Kate deposits the books into her oversize purse, slips her feet into her sandals, and lifts her bag onto her shoulder, grasps her other suitcase before Castle has a chance to offer to carry it for her. Chivalrous though it may be, she is perfectly capable of rolling a suitcase down the hallway.
Castle opens his mouth to protest but Kate silences him with a glare and he seems to think the better of it, hoists his own duffle bag off the floor and opens the front door.
Alexis steps out first, followed by Kate, and Castle takes full advantage of being last in line by unsubtly staring at the smooth length of Kate's legs as she walks down the hall in front of him. She is wearing shorts, which he does not think he has ever seen before today, but now that he has, he may hide all of her long pants. Though she looks damn good in skinny jeans too.
She dons a low-cut halter shirt, hair tied up in a messy bun, exposing her neck and upper back as well, and damn it, why does his daughter have to be in the car with them? Because handing her the keys so he is free to caress and nibble at her deliciously tempting bare skin is probably not appropriate when his daughter will be in the back seat.
Maybe he should have whisked the two of them away to Aruba instead.
But no, because this is a family tradition and Kate is family now, whether she realizes it or not. He thinks that after the last few days, she might be starting to catch on.
They pile into the elevator with all of their bags and Castle takes advantage of Alexis's turned back to snag Kate's free hand and pull her close, drops a quick peck on her lips. She smiles into the kiss and Castle nibbles at her bottom lip with his teeth. She bites back, pulling his top lip into her mouth, and they are just about to completely lose track of their surroundings when the elevator dings.
They instinctively jerk apart, probably for the better anyways because Alexis turns around then, apparently making sure her father is still behaving. His eyes are a little darker than normal but thankfully he bears no other evidence of their...activities (and not the just ones from the elevator...they may have gotten distracted earlier, too, when she came back from her apartment with her bags and Castle could not take his eyes off of her low-cut neckline and the things it didn't cover).
Alexis raises an eyebrow but says nothing, leads the way into the parking garage.
The drive up to the beach house is relaxing and comfortable; all three partake in conversation at first. After the first hour Alexis loses herself in a book, leaving Kate and Castle to their own soft words up front. Eventually they too fall silent, Kate gazing out the window, watching the countryside pass by, Castle alternately watching the road and glancing at her. She could call him on it but she knows he really just cannot help himself. So instead she twines their hands on the console, gives him a reassuring squeeze every once in a while.
Because she really here. She really is happy. And she really is in this for the long haul.
She is sure.
She knows Castle still harbors doubts, cannot blame him because though she has barely left his side for the better part of four days, she has not verbally given him the three words she knows he needs.
Tonight, though...
After her conversation with Burke yesterday, she knows that she is ready.
Thoughts?
