A New Start

Chapter Four

Zebraboymom

Disclaimer: They belong to me in my dreams only.

Author Notes: A day at the beach with Bernie. Can she help these two find their way back to each other?

Olivia woke up early as usual. What little bit of sleep she did get last night was restless. She had dreamed of Elliot and it had not been a good one. He was walking towards her with that grin she loves so much when he was suddenly riddled with bullet holes. She knew it was brought on by what happened. For a year now she had nightmares where Jenna shot Elliot and she had to helplessly watch as it happened. Her personal sidearm was in her locker that day and there was no way she could have reached it in time to save him. The difference was he had saved her and so many other officers that day. Why couldn't he see that?

She sat up and looked at her clock. It was only six-thirty. She would have to wait two and a half hours before Eli and Elliot came to get her. For once she wished she was on call instead of Fin and Rollins. She could pray for a case to come up and then she'd have an excuse to avoid the feelings that had blown up last night.

How could she be so mad and yet so happy at the same time? Having Elliot back in her life even if it made her angry was better than the emptiness she had been feeling for the last twelve months. It was like one month for every year they were partners only it felt like the months were years. The years, on the other hand, had flown by. She had both loved and hated every one of those years with him by her side. In the early days it seemed like they could save the world together. They were proud of their conviction rate and how they served the victims.

Later on they were deeply committed to each other and every time on eof their lives was in danger they grew closer.

God she had missed him. Amaro was great, but he wasn't Elliot. Maybe in a few years he would be, but she doubted she would ever be invested in someone more than she was…had been in Elliot. She sighed and sat up, swinging her legs over the side and making her way to the shower.

For his part Elliot was in the same boat. He had not slept. Instead he had gone over and over what he wanted to say to Liv. When the light started coming in the windows that faced the park he came fully awake realizing he never made it to his bed. His legs were asleep and that's when he realized a hug fur ball was laying on them cutting off the circulation.

"Max. Give me a break buddy."

He pushed the massive dog off of him and headed to the shower. Along the way he peaked into Eli's room and found him fast asleep still. He stood in the doorway watching the little guy he loved so much. How would his life play out from here? He always knew he loved Olivia, but he had loved his wife too. Even though they grew apart over the years he was at SVU, he never thought he would end up being this guy. He ruined his marriage long before his disappearing act.

He sighed and hoped Eli would come out of this the same great kid he was now. Once he grew up and knew how royally Elliot had failed his family, he didn't know how it would change their relationship. It was taking time to rebuild with his other kids. Maybe Eli would adjust quicker being so young.

He let everyone down and now he had to put himself back together. He just hoped Olivia would give him a chance to be in her life the way he wanted to be. A year apart had done a lot of damage and it wouldn't be easy, but he wanted a relationship with her on whatever terms she would allow. He just…missed her.

Once in the shower he heard a giggle and his son peaked around the shower curtain.

"Get in here you nutty boy."

Elliot shampooed his son's hair and they both finished washing up before they wrapped themselves in matching towels and stood before Elliot's bathroom mirror. Eli stood on a stool so he could see in the mirror and he matched his father's every movement as he got ready. They both brushed their teeth at the same time and Eli spit right when his dad did. They combed their hair together, although Eliot didn't have much left to comb. When Elliot started shaving Eli used his comb to match his movements as well. When they were all done they grinned at each other in the mirror.

"The Beach!"

After a quick breakfast of cereal, some cartoons and packing the car they were finally on their way. Max was beside himself in the backseat with Eli. He loved the car and loved wherever it took them.

Elliot texted Liv so she would know they were downstairs. Parking was a premium. She trotted down the stairs in a pair of shorts and a camp shirt tied at the waist.

Elliot couldn't remember having ever seen Liv in shorts and his eyes traveled down her legs as she pulled open the passenger door.

"Hey Eli."

"Hey Livvy."

Max pushed his nose between the seats for a pat on the head.

"Ready to go to the beach?"

"Uh-huh."

Liv and Elliot exchanged sidelong glances but didn't speak as he pulled out into traffic.

The drive could have been awkward to say the least, but Eli took control of the conversation and enlightened Liv on all the great things about the beach and Grandma's house. Liv laughed at his explanation for why Grandma was so silly.

"She's fun! She does things that make Daddy crazy he says."

"She does!"

"She's a free spirit!"

"That so?"

"Yep. She told me. She says Daddy just needs to let go."

"And if Daddy did "let go", what would that be like Eli?"

"I don't know exactly, but silly like Grandma I guess."

Liv looked at Elliot and he grinned back and rolled his eyes.

"I'm glad you're trying to have a relationship with her El. I know it hasn't been easy."

"It's funny, but she's the only one who hasn't judged me for what I did."

Elliot's eyes travelled down to Liv's feet and he took in the flip-flops and painted toenails.

"Nice nails Benson. Pink?"

Liv followed his gaze and blushed slightly. He had never seen her toes in all their years together. There were a lot of things to be discovered going forward…if they went forward.

"Um…yeah. Thanks."

Eli launched into another story of times at Grandma's and they settled back in companionable silence other than to make an occasional remark about Eli's stories. The little boy had such an imagination. Liv wondered if Elliot had ever been like that. The kid in the carrot costume looked like he might have, but something happened along the way.

When Elliot finally pulled up in front of Bernie's house, Max was dancing in the seat. It was obvious he need to get out and relieve himself.

Elliot opened the car door as his mother came out on her porch. Max made a beeline right for her and was rewarded with some treat from her pocket before he raced out into the broad lawn. Bernadette's eyes came to rest on Olivia and she smiled knowingly as Elliot released Eli from his car seat and he launched himself at his grandmother.

"Eli! I've missed you!"

"I missed you too Grandma. Look who came with us today, Livvy."

Bernie extended her arms to Olivia and pulled her into an unexpected hug. She whispered in her ear as she let her go.

"I knew you'd come eventually."

Liv's eyebrows went up. What did Bernie mean? She watched as Bernadette took her son in a huge embrace. It melted her heart when she saw Elliot return the embrace instead of stiffening up. Looks like they had done some reconciliation as well.

"All right. Everyone inside for lemonade and then let's hit the beach. Elliot, Max has left me a little gift already. Will you take care of it?"

Bernie wrapped her arm around Olivia's waist and led her inside while Elliot took care of the lawn fudge and then walked around the house to play with Max for a bit. The dog had to run for a while before he could be trusted to settle down in the house. He took the ball he had brought for him and tossed it way out towards the water. He took off after the ball with that crazy hunter's howl he made. He caught the ball before it even stopped rolling and brought it back to Elliot.

Liv watched them out the window as Eli gulped down his lemonade and asked to be excused.

"Off you go my little man."

Eli was out of the house with a war hoop and down to his dad in seconds.

"He loves his father with every ounce of his being. He missed him so much when he was gone. How have you been Olivia? It's been a long time."

"It has. I'm so glad to see you two have mended fences."

"Yeah, he came to me after his friend told him it was time to go home. When he found out he didn't have a home to go back to, he came and stayed with me for a couple of weeks. He apologized for judging me all those years. I told him it was my fault he had felt the way he did. We talked about a lot of things over those two weeks. I think he sorted out a lot of feelings during that time."

Olivia liked Bernie so much. She said what was on her mind and she didn't mince words.

"You were the topic of conversation for a lot of the time."

"Me?"

"Yes. He has feelings for you Olivia, but he doesn't think he has the right to feel them. He knows what he's done to you over the years and how you've taken the brunt of his anger, but never gave up on him. He thinks you deserve better than him. I disagreed with him, but the man is stubborn. How do you feel about him Olivia?"

Liv had not been prepared for such an honest discussion so early on. She had to think for a minute.

"I…I'm not sure. I'm mad as hell at him for shutting me out, but so glad to see him again. I thought I'd lost him…forever."

"He needs you. All he talked about other than being sad he hurt Kathy, was you and how much you meant to him…how much he cared about you…more than he probably should. I believe he's in love with you my dear. I think he' s starting to realize it as well. The question is how do you feel?"

Again this woman just put it out there. Liv didn't know where she landed at the moment. There were so many emotions rolling around in her she didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

"Bernie I have loved him for so long. At first it was like a brother and then later a best friend and then later it got much more complicated. When he and Kathy separated I felt something there on his part as well and I realized I Ioved him deeply, but I couldn't be the reason his family split. I just couldn't. I'm not that kind of person. Now after all this time I'm not sure what I feel."

"You once asked me to do something for you and for my granddaughter. I'm asking two things from you Olivia. One is to forgive my son for being lost this last year and that is exactly what he was…lost. The second is to open your heart one last time and let him in. I know he's hurt you before on more than one occasion. He told me about all of them during his stay with me, but I promise you he's worth it. I suspect you already know that, but you're fighting your own demons aren't you my dear?"

For someone who was bipolar the woman was very insightful. Liv felt a lump in her throat.

"Thanks for talking with me Bernie. You're a wise woman. Thanks for being so honest with me. It actually helped me a lot. I know now what I need to do."

"Well, alright then. Get out there and do it."

A/N: Sorry guys. The chapter was getting too long so the beach trip will need another installment. Next up the talk they've needed to have all along.