CHAPTER 4 –- 願い Negai – Wishes

Tsubael tried to sit up, to bring herself closer to the level of the Commander and everyone else in the room. The transition upright proved too exhaustive, so she abandoned the idea halfway and let herself drop back against the mattress, sapped of all energy. She groaned as her head began to lighten and swirl from the earlier exertion.

She heard an annoyed sigh that had to have been from Azanael.

The other then leaned over to scoop behind her shoulders and lift and hold her upright with obvious impatience. "There."

Once Tsubael regained her equilibrium, she brought her arms back and braced her palms against the bedding to maintain balance. As soon as she felt stable in the new position, Azanael's support vanished from behind her shoulders. Though she felt embarrassed at her own helplessness, she soon dismissed the feeling, returning her attention to the most important person in the room.

The Commander's presence always made her mindful of her behavior, so she reminded herself to maintain decorum- even with Azanael. She turned to Azanael to offer proper, dutiful thanks, but found the other looking aimlessly elsewhere as if now avoiding her.

Although she felt nothing unexpected, she began to wonder if perhaps Azanael experienced another awkward telepathic moment during that fleeting contact they just had. She wanted to ask, but with the Commander and the rest there she decided against raising the topic and instead stuck to protocol. "Thank you, Flight Chief."

Azanael continued to look away, averting her focus. She eventually responded with a terse, affirmative grunt.

Tsubael then turned back to see the Commander and Wakatake lower themselves to settle on the floor beside her bedding, assuming the level shared by Azanael and herself. Once seated, the two remained still and wordless for some time; hands joined, sharing occasional glances, conducting what appeared a soundless conversation.

From Tsubael's limited experience with contact telepathy she considered that the pair might have refined their use of the overwhelming, confusing phenomenon; thinking that perhaps through practice they had found a way to focus and communicate clearly with each other despite the gush of senses and memories that seemed to define the experience. She further theorized that maintaining a physical connection to each other might be more than a gesture of their shared affection, perhaps also serving as a communication link that kept their thoughts synchronized.

Eventually, the Commander cleared her throat and proceeded to speak; polite, calm, and authoritative as always. She used the forime language, obviously addressing Akane and the Writer to say, "Thank you both for taking such good care of my friends." She then asked, "Would you mind giving us the room for a little while? I have some things to discuss with Azanael-sama and Tsubael-sama."

"Of course," Akane said. She looked to Tsubael and asked, "Can we get you anything else? Is there anything I can do for you before we go?"

"Yes," Azanael answered. "You can stay away from Tsubael, Bakane."

"What is your problem?" Akane asked, her annoyance at Azanael's derisive twist of her name obvious. "Did I insult you or something?" She then asked, seemingly to the whole room, "Is this a cultural misunderstanding or is she always like this?"

Azanael's tone stayed even, but seemed to subtly jeer as she said, "Oh, have I mispronounced your name? As Tsubael-sama told you earlier, my grasp of your language is limited- and its guttural syllables all sound alike to me. You should learn to mind your manners around your guests- even if they happen to misspeak in an unfortunate way."

Akane's eyes narrowed. She growled, "I've done nothing but try to help. You're the one with awful manners, old woman."

Azanael's body then shifted as though she might again rise to confront Akane, but she seemed to stop herself and remained in place. She huffed, "Pathetic."

"Leave her alone!" Tsubael snapped in Arumi, intervening before things could again escalate between the two. Just then she realized that her left hand had somehow knotted into a fist- a fist she had thumped hard onto Azanael's thigh the moment she had spoken-out in the forime's defense.

Now astonished at her own outburst, Tsubael brought her eyes up from where the heel of her fist remained dented into the other's leg and met her gaze, finding Azanael's eyes widened with what appeared to be equal surprise at their situation. The awkward moment seemed to linger for too long so Tsubael swiped both her hand and gaze away from the other, now feeling her cheeks begin to warm with greater than appropriate embarrassment.

She then heard Azanael release another of her smug little huffs. Then using the forime language, she assumed a composed, commanding tone that seemed better suited to her rank, saying, "This one may be useful to me if she survives her injuries. Right now, she's too weak to defend herself against your forime germs. Your sanitation techniques are lacking and your crude medicines are useless- so keep your hands off of her."

"Oh dear," Commander Ekaril exclaimed, her tone melodramatic, almost mocking. The room's attention shifted to her. "This sounds very serious indeed. Perhaps it would be best to do as Azanael-sama says, Ms. Kawashima."

Tsubael looked to find the Commander with a hand raised to her mouth, failing to hide an amused smile. At her side, Wakatake wore an unabashed grin, apparently even more inexplicably entertained by the matter than Ekaril.

"There's nothing comical about this- any of this," Azanael said, her words taut with audible frustration. "We have no resources, nowhere to go, and we're all in grave danger."

"We're safe for the moment," the Commander stated, calm and confident. "Most of the forime communication systems have come back online and I've been observing their news reports. From what I've seen it's obvious that the main fleet is adhering to the plan as expected. We're far from any major center of population, so places like this should remain outside anyone's scrutiny for a while.

And it looks like you've almost fully recovered so, of course, we can rely on you to look after us in case something unexpected happens." She showed a half-smile and added, "You're already admirably firm about the matter of my first officer's safety."

Azanael scowled. She began to voice an objection, "That's- it's only because-"

"Also, I'm certain that the crews of both Noval and Blue are presumed lost," the Commander assertively interrupted Azanael. "All three of us are dead and gone in that sense- No one will be looking for us."

Azanael lowered her head and gave a single nod, appearing to accept the Commander's logical, well-informed assessment of their tactical situation.

Commander Ekaril then looked over her shoulder to the doorway where Akane and the Writer had migrated while she had been speaking. She addressed them in the forime tongue, saying, "Ladies, again, thank you for caring for my friends." Her subtle and authoritative air seemed to gracefully, indirectly ask their leave.

Wakatake then rose. She backed up a step to join the other two at the doorway and paused to exchange a glance and a tiny, knowing smile with the Commander.

All three forime then bowed and left, leaving the space a bit less crowded and the atmosphere became more intimate, relaxed.

After some silent moments, the Commander spoke, settling back into their home language as she asked, "Azanael, you mentioned that you have a use for my first officer?"

"I-I do," Azanael replied, her tone uncharacteristically unsteady, as if the Commander's question had taken her by surprise.

"Well then, she is at your disposal."

Though Tsubael trusted the Commander completely, her curiosity drove her to ask on her own behalf, "What could she possibly need from me?"

Again, Azanael sounded guarded, unsure as she stated, "I-it's complicated. I don't have my whole plan together right now. I need to get some more information before my next move... but no matter what, I'll need someone who can repair and tinker." Azanael then looked away almost as if to distance herself from her own vague explanation. She added, "You seem good at that sort of thing."

"Indeed, she certainly is," the Commander stated, looking directly at Tsubael, smiling.

Tsubael felt herself cringe, embarrassed. She looked away. Her face flushed as the Commander's praise seemed to set everything within her ribs aflutter.

"Mari told me how Tsubael's ingenuity saved both of us. And I owe much to you as well, Azanael, for bringing Tsubael and myself here, to safety."

"We are well past the need to keep account of each other's favors, Ekaril," Azanael stated.

The Commander said, "Well, Tsubael intentionally put herself in a very bad position so that you and I could survive." She looked directly to Tsubael and said, "You always performed far beyond your duties for me."

The overt affection in Commander Ekaril's gaze made Tsubael forget about everything for an instant. She struggled to regain her composure, realizing that the giddy feeling now coursing through her might lead her to do or say something that would guarantee embarrassment.

"So, I'm certain you'll do so for Azanael as well."

"Commander?" Tsubael began, confused by Commander Ekaril's last statement. "What do you mean, 'do so for Azanael'?" She felt a nervous laugh escape, betraying her growing insecurity as she added, "You speak as though I won't be serving you any longer."

The Commander wore a smile that was at once warm and sad. After a moment, she said, "You will always be my first officer." She added, "But I will be away from you, away from here, soon."

Tsubael felt unease spread through her as she began to understand the meaning of what she heard. "Away from here?"

Azanael asked, "Where will you go? You aren't thinking of collaborating with the forime, are you? They are desperate. You can't trust them- even less so than High Command."

"The one called Yuuko Sugawara is here under false pretenses. She is not a teacher, she is a forime intelligence agent. She was sent here to investigate Mari Wakatake. She was, therefore, sent to discover the activities of the Arume fleet. Soon, I am going with her to meet with others in her agency, to help them to understand how useless it will be for their people to resist with physical warfare."

"Or they could just hand you over to High Command. They're desperate right now."

The Commander shook her head. "They are an intelligence agency, not a diplomatic body. To them, the three of us- and what we know- will be more valuable than anything. They will do everything possible to keep us safe, hidden." The Commander added, "If that plan of yours that requires Tsubael's skills will put you in conflict with the High Command, then you would do well to support this alliance with the forime. You'll benefit from their numbers and their resources almost as much as you will from Tsubael's technical brilliance."

Despite Tsubael's unhappiness about the Commander's temporary departure from her company, she flushed with embarrassment from the compliment.

"Ah, yes. Tsu. Bae. El..." Azanael stretched out each syllable, her tone full of guile. "I've come to learn some interesting things about her," Azanael said, amusement in her voice. "Some things you might be shocked to know, Ekaril."

Tsubael began to feel panic, sure that Azanael would enjoy torturing her by telling the Commander some horribly embarrassing secrets that she likely learned during their earlier telepathic episode. Desperate to preempt the other, she blurted, "She's probably going to make up some outrageous lie- you know she doesn't like me." Driven to discredit whatever Azanael might say, she added, "She tried to kill you! Then she tried to kill both of us! She tried to kill Wakatake!"

"And aren't you glad I was sloppy about it? What if you're wrong and I didn't intend to kill you after all? Maybe Ekaril's charm worked on me as well." Azanael said, seeming more amused than before. She seemed intent to taunt Tsubael as she said, "Your first officer has much in common with your Mari Wakatake." Azanael narrowed her eyes a little, her air of sly amusement deepening as she added, "Yes, our Tsubael has so many talents; reconnaissance, covert telemetry, secret surveillance... "

Tsubael drew a breath, preparing to decry and drown-out Azanael's next words at whatever volume might be necessary.

Azanael then lunged to clamp a palm over her mouth.

Tsubael tried to twist her face free, but Azanael latched around her and held her fast, entrapping her from behind.

Tsubael wriggled, ducked, and contorted, trying to free herself but the exertion proved too intense. She surrendered, her body going limp within Azanael's controlling captivity, now resigned to face whatever humiliation awaited her. While her muscles burned from their previous struggle and her dignity seemed all but doomed, an unexpected sense began to wash over her; a feeling of comfort. She now knew she was safe; she was being protected.

The Commander sounded almost amused, as if she were already certain of the answer to her own question as she inquired, "What are you two making all of this fuss about?"

Azanael's answer came out quiet and even. "She... has the contact telepathy... the same as your forime."

Now fully relieved, Tsubael relaxed deeper within the comfort of Azanael's firm encirclement. Alongside the warm, soft palm pressed to her lips, Azanael's fingers seemed to caress her cheek, the sensation reminding her at once of the first, tenuous time her face had been so cradled. She realized that all along, Azanael's intent had never been to silence her; she had orchestrated the whole situation that placed her into this undeniably sheltering embrace.

"You have it as well, most likely," Azanael said, her manner even humbler than before. Her hold around Tsubael eased. Her arms fell away and retreated.

Now left again to balance herself upright, Tsubael looked to the Commander, finding her gazing down into her own lap, her expression difficult to read.

"It would make sense- you three survived the experiment," Azanael explained as she shuffled further away to assume her previous spot alongside the mattress. "You would have the same aftereffects."

"Experiment?" Tsubael asked, now trying to make sense of what Azanael said. "You mean the accident... it was something planned?"

"What happened to Onomil, Ekaril, you, the others... it was a secret study of new weapon technology." Azanael audibly swallowed and added, "And it went well."

"Whose experiment? What sort of experiment?" Tsubael then looked to her right to see the Commander's reaction to the news. "It wasn't a malfunction? That- that... someone wanted that awful calamity to happen? To us?"

"It's true," Ekaril said, still staring blankly, quiet, contemplative.

"You knew?" Azanael's voice rose a little with audible agitation. "When did you figure it out? Why did you keep it a secret? If you had told me then I... I might have..."

The Commander shook her head. She drew a breath and paused, as if collecting her strength to say something she dreaded to share. Her voice became uncharacteristically meek as she released what seemed a tenuous sentence into the stillness of the room. "Onomil knew. Onomil told me."

The mention of the name seemed to freeze Azanael's body. Her posture then drooped a bit with the deflation of obvious heartbreak.

"In the end," Ekaril said, her voice cautious, low. "Onomil spoke to me."

Azanael's head rose and her eyes swiveled to the Commander's direction. Her breaths seemed to deepen as some quiet moments passed. She eventually asked, "What is that supposed to mean?"

"It isn't easy to explain," the Commander started. "It happened before too- only a few times.

After the accident... I had seen her, several times. I thought I had lost my mind." She then leaned a bit forward, apparently to address Azanael more closely. "But now I'm certain.

In that catastrophe so long ago... Onomil didn't exactly die; not as we've all come to understand in our own lives. Some part of her, her essence... lingered within Blue- perhaps somehow within the storage fields of Blue's main system? Among all the other component programs? I won't pretend to understand it. And she didn't seem to understand either."

Azanael looked catatonic; frozen by shock.

Tsubael knew Commander Ekaril would never say such things unless they were true, so she felt compelled to find out more as her mix of surprise, terror, and wonder at the idea intensified. "You saw Onomil? Aboard Blue? When? How often? Why didn't you say something?"

Azanael then grew restless. Audibly agitated, she said, "You could have told me. You should have told me."

The Commander did not respond right away, seeming to take great care with her words before she spoke them. "Well, I'm afraid it wasn't quite as simple as the way I just described it- it was fleeting, incidental.

It happened the first time I returned to Blue, after locating Mari. We were just about to reestablish contact with Noval for the first time since the incident.

I entered the bridge and took my post for the first time in twenty skoors. While I glanced at the engine output status in the main display, I saw Onomil there on the bridge with us, at her station- it was just a fleeting thing really- I looked a second time and her station was empty.

Tsubael didn't seem to notice, and I dismissed it, thinking perhaps my mind was making things up; showing me what I wanted most to see when I returned to the bridge that day- both of my officers.

The second time though, I had no need to doubt my senses.

It happened in Onomil's quarters. You had crippled Blue and left us. Tsubael had taken it upon herself to bring Mari back here, to safety. I was alone, and, I'll now admit, in the deepest of despair.

It was then that she first spoke to me.

We actually conversed, and I knew it really was her, not just some wishful glint or hallucination. She consoled me, helped me to see through my grief.

She had no explanation for her presence, no more than I. She didn't know what brought her to be there, but didn't seem at all bothered by it. She was just accepting, peaceful, content."

Tsubael looked to Azanael, feeling a measure of concern for how the other was taking these certainly upsetting revelations. She found Azanael quite stoic, head resting downward, eyes closed, breaths slow and even.

"I saw her a third time. Noval had dispatched a megabomber and support squadron, presumably to finish us, and Onomil helped us intercept a tectonic warhead- I'm certain of it.

Just after Blue's stability controls spontaneously recovered, I know she was at her station, together with us, on the bridge- I saw her there."

Tsubael felt tears begin to well-up within her as stronger memories of Onomil overtook her thoughts. What other reason could there have been for Blue's systems to spontaneously restore? she pondered rhetorically. "Of course," she said, trying to keep herself together. "Of course it was her," she affirmed, now allowing herself to accept what Commander Ekaril said as total truth. "Onomil was wonderful," she declared, venting a measure of her stifled feelings.

The commander's voice then gained a near humorous lilt as she continued, "And she must have been particularly pleased that I ejected you before my sacrifice to destroy Noval." She smiled as she added, "I'm now certain she did the same to me, the very moment that Blue's bridge broke apart."

Tsubael released a half laugh, half sob at the notion, now recalling the feelings from that moment when her capsule closed around her, that instant of sour understanding that the Commander decided to exclude her from the final plan, that they would not die together. She mopped the corners of her eyes with her left sleeve and struggled to contain herself as the Commander's account resumed.

"But right before that, just as Blue's bow struck Noval's hull, she appeared to me as an image on the main screen. She looked wonderful, full with serenity. That image of her seemed to glow so bright it washed the color from everything else. In that moment she communicated to me very clearly, one last time, as though her very thoughts and feelings merged directly with my own. It was simple, beautiful... it was an entreaty of sorts. She wanted me, along with Mari, along with the both of you, to help the forime; to help the arume; to do what we can to help both sides to accept the fate they now share."

Tsubael sniffled, recomposed, having won her fight to contain her emotions. "Of course," she said, feeling a small smile overtake her face. "Onomil would want exactly that. I'm sure of it."

She then looked to Azanael, hoping her declaration might offer some kind of comfort, but instead found herself overcome with a sense that the other's continued silence might be a sign of trouble. She tired to allay some of Azanael's grief as well as her own guilt, saying, "I shouldn't have said that- I was thoughtless." She added, "You would know better than anyone what she would have wanted."

After some quiet moments passed, Azanael whispered as though to herself, "She never showed herself. She never spoke to me." She then choked-back an obvious sob and swallowed, returning to her previous, stolid state.

"She had another wish," the Commander started. She seemed almost to blush before she continued, "It was a wish for you, Azanael." She then reached across Tsubael's legs to rest her hands atop the robe covering Azanael's knees.

The touch seemed to stir Azanael's attention and she looked first to the contact of Ekaril's hands and then craned her head higher to line up with the Commander's face. Her expression seemed weary but curious, apparently waiting for Commander Ekaril to elaborate. "A wish? For me?" she asked.

"Onomil wanted you to take care of Tsubael."

Azanael swallowed. She eventually nodded, seeming to acknowledge the notion as something she had already known.

"She knew both of you so well, cared for you so much. I think we can all trust her decision."

Azanael sniffled. She then issued a little grunt and nodded, seeming to signal concurrence with Commander Ekaril's logic.

"Take care of me? Her?" Tsubael spoke out of reflex, unsure why the idea seemed to rile and confuse her so much. "But... But I don't think she can even tolerate me. She thinks I'm- "

"And I want you to look after Azanael," the Commander interjected.

Tsubael recognized the Commander's sentence as an order and after an awkward hesitation, she managed to properly acknowledge it. "Aye, Commander."

Despite Tsubael's trust in all of the Commander's decisions, she failed to feel the same certainty about the matter that Azanael and Ekaril seemed to share. Instead, she found herself now wishing to escape the two. She needed to be alone to think, to process all of the wondrous and upsetting things the Commander had just shared.

Azanael said, "You look unwell."

"She does," the Commander said, nodding.

Tsubael felt her body squirm, reacting beyond her control amid the others' scrutiny. She offered the only protest she could manage to voice, saying, "I'm fine, really." She looked to the doorway, now wondering if she could summon the energy to drag herself out into the hallway, away from the two.

"She probably needs to void after taking in that awful food- it smelled foul. Where do the forime perform their excretions? Some kind of soil pit? I'll take her to it."

"They're a bit more civilized than that. Their facilities can be used hygienically- I've been using them for skoors now." Commander Ekaril then chuckled, commenting, "It's not as though you'll have to dangle her over an open ditch while she voids."

"I don't need to void!" Tsubael protested, her mortification amplified nearly to infinity now that the Commander was also mentioning her alimentation. "The food wasn't that bad... I'm fine, really," she said, now trying to calm and collect herself.

"You still look unwell," Azanael said. She rose to her knees and shuffled closer.

Before Tsubael could realize what happened, she felt herself pulled from beneath her coverings and scooped up by Azanael. "What are you doing?"

The other's arms shifted and adjusted to lock behind Tsubael's knee and around her ribs, seeming to fasten her into place against Azanael's trunk.

"Put your arms around my neck," Azanael said, her tone formal, commanding. She shifted, adjusting her hold further. "Hold on to me."

Tsubael complied, realizing that Azanael was requesting her help.

"That ridiculous thing they put on your leg makes you unbalanced," Azanael said.

"Why are you holding me?" Tsubael asked.

Azanael fully assumed a martial tone befitting her rank as she explained, "I'm not holding you, I'm transporting you. Since your only option is to self-heal, I'm taking you to where you can eat and fuel your recovery."

Azanael swiveled toward the doorway. "Commander Ekaril, please lead us to suitable food."

The Commander rose. She shook her head and said, "I don't think you'll find any of the forime food palatable."

"You know what real food is like. And you know what their food is like. I'm certain you can concoct something better than that filthy, toxic-smelling paste that Bakane used to poison her."

Though Tsubael felt obligated to defend Akane's well-intended offering, she acknowledged that deep inside she agreed more with Azanael's very sensible plan.

The Commander shook her head. "I don't think it's wise. Though many of the students fled with their parents, there are still a number of them here- and only the handful of them that know about me also know about you two. Our secrecy is our protection... it would be unwise to compromise it."

"Then disguise us – as you have yourself – so that we won't be noticed," Azanael said. "You can't just hide us in this cell forever- especially if you're leaving with that forime intelligence agent."

"It won't be as simple as that..." the Commander said.

Something about the feel of Azanael's cradling arms made Tsubael feel audacious, as if she had somehow gained a rank merely from the physical contact of the other, and she now found herself making a request of the Commander, "Please, Commander? She's right- you can get us to blend in. We just need to color our hair, use those covers to hide our eyes... with that and some forime clothes on us we shouldn't stand out at all."

The Commander shook her head. "It's more than just looking the part. Neither of you have lived among them. You don't know the subtleties of their customs like I do. You will be found out quickly."

"We'll introduce ourselves as forime from a different part of the planet," Azanael said. "That should suffice as an explanation for our linguistic and cultural ignorance while we learn to better fit in."

Commander Ekaril showed a small smile. "Alright." She grinned a bit broader and commented, "I see now that I have no hope of winning against the two of you." She then addressed Azanael, saying, "We'll need to go to my dormitory to prepare you two. It's a bit of a journey from here; in another building; across the campus. Should I summon the forime for help?"

Tsubael felt Azanael shuffle the weight of her body with a minuscule, evaluative toss.

Azanael shook her head. "I'll be fine just like this."

Tsubael then felt herself begin to move. She reinforced the lock of her arms around Azanael's neck as the other carried her out of the room and down a dusky corridor. Despite her curiosity about their progress through the building, she let her eyelids droop to a close, compelled to do so by the unexpected comfort of closeness and the subtle rocking motion imparted by Azanael's gait.

"So, one of us can still glide," Azanael said softly. "Even without a ship for power."

"You're my ship," Tsubael replied, surprising herself with her own externalization of the thought. As she replayed her own words, she cringed, understanding then how awkward her comment sounded. She tried to save face, offering, "Er, thank you, Flight Chief Azanael... is what I meant to say."

Azanael's voice stayed soft but gained an air of formality as she replied, "It's my duty, Operator First Class Tsubael."