Chapter 4
One final read…..
First: The Christmas Gift- "I didn't get you anything." He lied, again. He stood in front of me and told me he didn't feel right taking a gift from me. That he felt suffocated. That I shouldn't miss him. That he didn't want to get or write letters anymore. That I shouldn't have given him any more chances. That he didn't deserve them. And he walked out and broke my heart. The day that started out so wonderfully, had ended with a huge crash. All thanks to Jasper and his Jasper code. Why didn't he trust me? Tell me the truth and let me help him work it out? Why does he feel he has to take everything on his own shoulders? We were supposed to be there for each other. Instead he broke my heart and left me. Left me with a million questions and no answers.
I know now it was his warped Jasper way of trying to protect me. Once you read my Storybook, you can't help but see the love that was put into it. His and Sarah Alice's. The first time I read it my mind was flooded with memories of Jasper and I. The first time we kissed at the Masquerade Ball. When I knew it was what I wanted, not what he blackmailed from me. How much he infuriated me as he followed me around Europe after Dad's death, watching over me, and then showed up at the Polo match as if he belonged there. Confident as can be. His calm as he pushed the button at the Kings Cup when I couldn't bring myself to do it. Protecting me from the burden. The feeling that hit me as he pulled me in close and made our way out of the stadium. That evening in the library when he spoke the first true words of how he felt about me. "You take my breath away". After I had tortured him all day at the music festival with other guys. When I overheard him describe me as a true Princess to Sarah Alice. My heart overflowed that day and I wanted nothing more than to be in Jasper's arms. When he told me he wanted "this", he wanted "me" and "only me". The memories invoked by that book. All happy. And when I reflect on them, they show me how much he loves me, what he'd do to protect me and how safe I feel with him. Why was I surprised when he finally admitted it? He's shown it all along.
And the necklace. A symbol of him giving me his heart. How much sweeter could anything be. I've worn it every day since I left. I wonder if he'd be surprised to know that? That it makes me feel safe and at home.
Yes, he lied. About all of it. But this time he admits it.
Second: "I want to be with you for the rest of time and that's what I intend to do"
How can he say that? After all the times he's left me, and come back, and left me. Lied to me, blackmailed me, tried to steal from me, then cheated on me with my Mum, of all people. All the chances I've given him. The times I've forgiven him. Just to turn around and do it again. How can I trust him to keep his word? What crazy thing will take him away next? He says he never could have left if he'd gotten the letter. But he did. He left and took my broken heart with him.
He knows I have trust issues. He's known all along. I know he has them too. God knows we both have a problem with commitment.
But I miss him. Every time he was gone, I was miserable. How many times had I texted him? How many nights had I checked my phone and then cried myself to sleep? How many trips to the library to check that "damned" book for a letter? How many nights had I gone clubbing and drinking to forget him? Why did I feel the need to sleep on "His side" of the bed? On his pillow? Why wasn't I able to just let him go when he left?
Every time he came back, I was happy. Relieved. Even if I did do my best to ignore him and make him pay for leaving. I chose to forgive him for all of it. I realize now, I never feel happier, safer, more secure, more ME, than when Jasper is there with me. The rest of time is a long time. I wonder…could we do it? Can I trust him? Will he trust me?
