The Return of Hochstetter (or: How the Major Successfully Failed, Act III)
by 80sarcades


Disclaimer: I have nothing to say (other than to thank people for reading and reviewing this, of course:-) Stay tuned for the ad in the next chapter!


Chapter 4: Klink's Office

Klink's office was just as spartan as it was in the series. On the other hand, the bottle of liquor stashed in the far corner made my mouth water. No time for that now.

The Kommandant, of course, made himself at home behind his desk while Hogan and I stood in front of it. He eyed me with his monocle.

"Now, I want to know where you came from," he demanded. "What airbase? Talk!"

I had to come up with something; in the end, the old name, rank, and serial number stood out. With a slight modification, of course.

"Vader, Darth," I told him. "Captain, United States Army Air Forces. 04045704." Hogan looked at me curiously, but said nothing.

"None of that!" Klink thundered; his expression then changed. "What kind of name is Darth Vader?" he asked, curious.

"Norwegian," I lied. "My dad's side. You wouldn't believe the teasing I got for it in school..."

"Uh-huh," the Kommandant said, nodding. "And is that where, perhaps, you were heading?" he challenged, looking smug. "Perhaps to do a little spy mission, by chance, and got lost?

"Oh, heck no," I said, meeting his eye. "I might have been lost for a while, but-"

"Aha!" Klink interrupted. "So you admit that you were spying!"

"I never said that!" I yelled, my anger growing. "I said I was lost, you bleep bleeping bleep!

My last three words came out as high-pitched tones. It was as if someone, somewhere, had replaced the words with the noise. But why? Klink looked around wildly for the source of the sound. Hogan, true to form, knew.

"This is a television show from the 1960's," Hogan muttered. "The networks won't let you curse on-air." I nodded in understanding, though it helped my temper little.

"Well, bleep!" I said disgustedly. "You've gotta be kidding me," I demanded of the Colonel. "I can't say bleep, bleep, or bleep? Or even bleep you?"

"You've got it," said Hogan cheerfully.

"Oh, this is just great," I moaned, "First, I get stuck in this universe, and I can't even curse properly! What could be worse?"

"Burkhalter's sister could fall in love with you," the American Colonel offered. I shivered. So, I noticed, did Klink.

"Now there's a reason to volunteer for the Russian Front..."

"Excuse me, Gentlemen," Klink said, annoyed at being ignored. "You may have forgotten our little interrogation..."

"Oh," I said. "Right. Look, Colonel," I began. "I'm not going to tell you anything. Where I'm from, that's called giving aid and comfort to the enemy. The Boy Scouts would kick me out; I wouldn't be a Scout Leader any more. Not to mention that I'd probably lose my executive position in the Porn Association of America!" I finished, my voice turning forceful before softening a tad. "Well, maybe not them," I allowed. "However, it's a sure bet I won't get any more free samples!"

"The Porn Association of America," Klink scoffed. "You Americans and your lies! And next you're going to tell me that Hanna Leitich was a founding member!"

Strangely, the name rang a bell in my mind. "Actually, she's in our Hall of Fame, you know," I explained. "I think she used to give burlesque lessons in her old age-"

"Enough!" Klink roared, leaping to his feet. "I want some answers, and I want them now!"

"Come on, Kommandant," Hogan interjected in his usual calm voice. "He surrendered peacefully. Under the Geneva Convention, all he has to do is give you his name, rank and serial number. I'm sure he could tell you his home address, if you like."

I quickly nodded. "Sure, I can do that!" I exclaimed. "My address is 742 Evergreen Terrace. That's in Springfield...Springfield..." I snapped my fingers as I 'pretended' to remember and failed. I looked at Hogan. "Dang it, I can't remember the state!" I exclaimed.

"Could be Missouri," Hogan said. "I had a girlfriend there."

"Nah, not that one," I said. "It's probably Oregon. If I could just remember..."

"Kentucky?" I shook my head no, then snapped my fingers again. "Illinois! No, too far north..."

"How about Virginia?" Klink offered. I mulled it over, then nodded.

"That might be it!" I said. The Kommandant grinned, obviously proud of himself. Too bad for him. "Hey, Colonel Hogan," I said casually, "here's a sixty-four dollar question for you: what question would distract a camp Kommandant from asking stupid questions?"

"Oh, that's easy," Klink excitedly interrupted, head bobbing up and down. "You just ask for the prisoner's home address..."

By that time, his brain had caught up to what his mouth was saying. A furious scrowl crossed his features as his right fist shook the air.

"HOOOOGAN!" he yelled, glaring at the American officer.

Hogan shrugged. "What can I say?" he casually remarked, a smug smile on his lips. "I'm a natural."

The Kommandant, meanwhile, was furious. "Enough of this!" he blurted. "I want to know what airbase you came from! Talk, or there will be consequences!"

Did Klink just make a threat? I wondered. Just then, another thought occurred to me.

Well, why not? I thought. I might as well go for broke anyway...

I waved my hand in front of me. "You don't need to know what airbase I came from," I said in a monotone. Thankfully, I was rewarded by a blank look from Klink's eyes

"I don't need to know what airbase you came from," he repeated. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Hogan's jaw drop.

All right! Now then...

"You can go about your business..." I said, still in the same calm voice.

"You can go about your business..." Klink repeated.

"Move along, move along..." I finished.

"Move along, move along...to the cooler!" Klink yelled, his eyes flashing angrily as a hand pointed to the office door. "Schultz!" he screamed.

Guess Klink isn't weak minded after all! Maybe I should try the Force grip...

I was just about to give it a go when the aerobically challenged Luftwaffe Sergeant barged through the office door. Dangit! Too many witnesses!

"Schultz, take this prisoner to the cooler," Klink ordered before he turned to me. "Maybe a few days in solitary will jog your memory. Dis-missssed!"

I, of course, had no intentions of going quietly. Suddenly, another idea occurred to me. I looked at Hogan, a smile on my lips.

"Hey, Colonel, you remember the Wizard of Oz?" I asked. He nodded; apparently, the same idea had occurred to him too. With a slight modification, of course.

I smiled at the Kommandant before joining arms with Hogan. Together, we broke out in song as we happily sang, duet style:

We-eere off to see the cooler, the wonderful wonderful cooler! Because, Because, Because, Because, the Kommandant decided to send us-sss...

As we skipped around the room before heading out the door, Klink slumped back in his chair and put his head in his hands.

Why me? he asked.

Then he walked to the liquor bottle and poured himself a stiff drink. And then another.


The cooler actually wasn't that bad. Ok, so the bed was lousy. There was no air conditioning. Plus, there was no TV. It still beat my last vacation hotel, however.

Hopefully, with Hogan's help, I'll be able to get out of here and back home before Hochstetter found me. After all, I was at Stalag 13; the good guys always win here! That thought comforted me as I dozed off on the hard bunk.

After all, what else could go wrong?


Next: Chapter 5 - The Real World, and a Call to Arms.

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