Hey everyone! Thanks so very much for all the fantastic reviews, subscriptions, yada, yada. Much peas and carrots to you!

Special super duper thanx to my beta, a genius in her own "write" (waka waka!) and spelling bee champion, Ninjakittee. You rock my socks! If you haven't read her stuff...well then...like...you should! YOSH!

Quick note on the chapter title in case you were wondering: Basically, the Greek Goddesses Hera, Athena, and Aphrodite were all fighting over a golden apple with an inscription on it that said, "to the fairest." Anyway, shit goes down, Paris (who is one hottie of a mortal) picks Aphrodite to be declared the smexiest of them all; she in turn gives him Helen of Troy (another hottie mortal lady who happened to be someone else's wife at the time :0) as his wife, and the Trojan war starts (da da da!). So yeah, basically, who is the fairest of them all type deal. With blood and guts afterwards. YOSH!


Chapter 4

The Golden Apple

By the time Shikamaru had exited the library, he had already run fifty-eight-and-a-half scenarios in his head. So far, his top three choices included but were not limited to: duct-taping his mouth shut, coming down with a bad case of laryngitis, and giving himself a concussion (as mentioned previously in chapter 3, if you will recall, dear reader, a concussion seemed particularly appealing to our hero). Shikamaru paused on the steps of the library and tapped his chin in thought.

Dark storm clouds were rolling in. Clouds...I always liked clouds... Shikamaru smiled- yes, today, his precious clouds would rescue him from certain doom. Smirking, he shimmied out of his vest, his long sleeve shirt, and even his undershirt and stuffed them into his bag. The cool spring air sent shivers down his back, and goosebumps appeared by the hundreds across his bare skin. Looks like it's a perfect day to try out top scenario number two. A horrible cold with a sore throat. Poor, poor me. Whistling a happy little tune, Shikamaru made his way back to his house.

"Shikamaru! What the hell is wrong with you! GAH! Put on a shirt!" Ino accosted him from across the street; she was pinching her nostrils shut for some reason, and her voice sounded particularly nasal and annoying.

"What a dr...dr...dress you are wearing today Ino."

Ino cocked an eyebrow. "This is the same dress I wear every day."

Shikamaru nodded sagely, "Indeed, it is."

"Whatever, freak. What are you doing strutting around half naked?"

Shikamaru shrugged.

"You're going to catch a cold Shika-kun."

He shrugged again.

"DAMN IT SHIKAMARU, PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON BEFORE I MAKE YOU!"

Shikamaru sighed and chose his words very, very carefully. "Ino, you're not my mother. What did you come here for anyway?"

Somewhat deflated, Ino spat, "Asuma-sensei told me to come and collect you. We're done training and we're going out for food. Sensei said he was proud of you for working so hard on your mission and he wanted to treat you too."

Shikamaru chewed the inside of his cheek. Refusing would be downright rude, if not completely suspicious, at his point. He sighed, and supposed it could not be helped. "Ok, thanks."

Ino rolled her eyes. "Baka! You think you can go out for dinner half-naked? Put a fucking shirt on before you give all your fan girls nosebleeds! Why, I can't believe- blah blah blah..."

Ino's self righteous speech fell on Shikamaru's deaf ears. Really, Ino was much more tolerable once one perfected the art of not-hearing-a-bloody-banality-she-said. Sighing for the umpteenth time that day, Shikamaru replaced his clothing under the wary gaze of his enraged female teammate. I guess that's that for Operation Influenza. Hmm...

Ino happily grabbed the brooding male's arm and began dragging him towards the restaurant. Suddenly, a small light bulb went off in Shikamaru's head- bling! Just because one plan fell through, doesn't mean I can't proceed with plan b. B for...bludgeoning. I really am a genius. This should be a piece of cake with Ino-chaaaaaan... Smiling innocently, Shikamaru sung, "You know, I ran a few scenarios in my head today about who the hottest kunoichi is in the village..." Hook..

"Oh, really?" Ino purred and looked up at her compatriot with lidded eyes, "And what did you figure out?"

"Well, really it should come as no surprise. Tenten is cute, but is decidedly ordinary compared to Hinata's rarefied features..."

Ino's eyebrows lifted. "I never knew you even thought about girls, Shika-kun. Looks like the testosterone is finally kicking in! Yosh! Anyway, go on, what about all the other kunoichi?" She asked, slightly breathless. Line...

Shikamaru proceeded drolly, "But of course, Hinata-chan's demure looks can't compete with you Ino. After all, you've got the long-legs and long-blonde-hair going for you-"

Ino positively beamed, "Oh, Shika-kun! You really do care! I've been wanting to ask you out-"

"Which brings us to the hottest kunoichi in Konoha, Haruno Sakura, who is hotter than all the rest because she, one, has exotic hair, and two, is really strong. I find that attractive in a woman..."

Ino stopped in her tracks. "You mean...your genius brain analyzed all the possible outcomes...and...you think Sakura is hotter than all the other kunoichi...?"

Shikamaru nodded nonchalantly. "Hai."

Ino speared him with a death glare. "You think billboard-brow is hotter than me...?"

Shikamaru nodded. "Facts are facts...can't argue with that..."

Rage, pure, unadulterated rage began to flow through Ino's veins. "We'll see...what kunoichi is both beautiful...and strong...you ass." She said this quietly, in a hiss of a whisper, as she literally trembled with anger. "You...you fucking PIG! TAKE THIS! AND THIS! AND THIS!"

Shikamaru did not bother fighting back. From the corner of his eyes, he saw that the spectacle was being watched by a large crowd of people. Then, everything turned black as Ino landed a particularly good hit on his skull.

Sinker... was the last thought Shikamaru entertained before the world went completely black.


a/n oh, it hurts, it hurts. Well hey kids, I just updated "No Limes, Lemons, Oranges or Pomelos" and I think it's the wackiest chapter yet (yes, definitely wacky my dears). So if you feel like it, check it out for more crack-tastic fun:)

oh yes, one more piece of advice. Every time you review an angel gets its wings:) *hint hint*