Chapter the Fourth:
James had never slept more soundly than that night in the Hoodling's bed. True, his lobster suit was a little awkward to sleep in.. but it was a pleasant feeling.
He awoke to the sounds of loud singing in the shower.
"Under the sea! Under the sea! Darling, it's better, down where it's wetter." sang the Hoodling.
James' head was pounding. He felt like he had been hit with a dump truck. He rose from the bed, removing his headpiece and laying it on the chair.
He knocked on the bedroom door, "Um. Hoody, Right?"
The door opened, the hoodling stood in the doorframe with a towel concealing his features.
"Hello Lover," giggled the Hoodling. "Great night. Need a shower?"
"What the fuck happened?" James demanded. He was having trouble concentrating in the bright morning light.
The Hoodling smiled slyly. "Let's say we engaged in some risky behavior."
"Shit!" cursed James. "This is bad! Very bad!" He waved his claws angrily.
"What?" questioned Hoody, turning his back to James as he brushed his teeth. "It wasn't good for you?"
"I don't remember! I was more stoned than.Stonehenge!" cried James. "Why am I in a lobster suit?"
Hoodling still did not turn around. "You honestly don't remember?"
James shook his head. And that hurt.
Angry rose in the Hoodling's voice. "Nothing? You don't remember all the amazing love making. all the secrets we shared? The lobsterphilla James! Remember!"
"Um.. No?" James replied.
The Hoodling whirled around, angst and rage inundated his features, "GET OUT!"
"Snape?"
Dippet's Quarters:
Dippet awoke to the pecking on his window. He stepped over Lily's passed out form and opened the window as the Horned Owl flew in with a large manila envelope.
"From Czechoslovakia, eh?" wheezed the old man. "Presents from the Bohemians?"
The owl ignored him and settled on top of Lily's head.
"Mm geoff," she muttered rolling over. Dippet began to open the envelope with trembling hands.
Suddenly, the door to the dungeon opened. "What the hell?" exclaimed Dippet.
A young, girlish Prof. McGonagall raced in. "Headmaster, we've got a situation in the Great Hall."
"Eh?"
"It would appear that two of our students decided it was time for them to get married and.. they ordered Russian brides," she finished lamely.
"What's this about a wedding?" asked Lily, rolling over.
"Weddings? I love weddings!" exclaimed Dippet. "Drinks all around!"
"Miss Evans?" asked Prof. McGonagall; she felt hot rage building up. Lily was her ho. Lily had made several visits to McGonagall's private chambers for "extra credit."
"Hi Professor," said Lily dully, searching for her bra. "I'll be gone in a minute."
"See that you are," declared McGonagall. "And Dippet? What shall we do with the Russians?"
Dippet grunted. "Lily, fetch the grooms. You probably know who they are."
Gryffindor Quarters:
"Sirius, can I borrow some of your "Big Strong Man" cologne? I want to impress my fiancée with my manly musky odor," explained Remus as he combed his hair.
"No problem!" exclaimed Sirius as he stepped into his red silk boxers. He tossed the cheap Wal-Mart brand cologne to his friend.
"Look.Sirius, I know that we haven't always been close but, well."Remus began to stutter. "Would you like to be my best man?"
"Are you imply an orgy in the future?"
Remus sighed in relief, "I didn't want to be the one to bring it up, but. if you insist!"
The door to the boys' dorm smashed open. It was Lily. "Where the fuck is James!" she demanded. "I know that he's going to be marrying that Russian whore today! I have to stop the wedding!"
"Um.." Remus looked at Sirius.
"I think he went that way," suggested Sirius, pointing down the hall.
Lily smiled. "You guys are the best," she said tearfully. "What would I do without you?"
"You don't have to worry about that," said Remus. "You look like you could use a hug."
Lily nodded.
"Or an orgy?" suggested Sirius.
"I'll consider it," replied Lily running out of the room to find her estranged boyfriend.
In Snape's Room:
"SNAPE?" repeated James. "SNIEVILLUS? SNIVELY?"
"Get out," said Snape coldly. "And not a word to anyone."
"This is disgusting," moaned James. "That was YOU?"
"GET OUT!" screamed Snape, tears forming at his eyelids. Another lover had rejected him. "GET OUT AND NOT A WORD!"
"I'll keep my side if you keep your promise!"
"ARGHH!" Snape threw bottle of baby lotion at James' head. "And leave the suit!"
James quickly retreated after an onslaught of bathroom products flew at his head.
He removed the suit, slowly and left the room. He closed the door softly and began the long march to his Gryffindor quarters.
"Think, Jimbo! Think!" he said to himself. "I was at the bar.. hitting on some girl and Hoodling offered me a drink. And then.we talked about the ocean." He stopped and images flooded back to him. "Oh, shit."
He stood there for a few minutes until a hard SMACK landed on his face.
"WELL!" thundered Lily, sobbing. "What have you got to say for yourself?"
"Well, first of all.ow." James rubbed his jaw, "second of all. ow."
"I trusted you James, and this is the thanks I get!" Lily demanded.
It was then James snapped. It had been a long night, "You're a HOOKER! SHUT UP!"
"Who are you calling a hooker? You're covered in.are those teeth marks?"
James rubbed his neck. "You couldn't understand."
"Of course I could understand kinky sex. Who else could understand it better? I don't care who you screw! As long as I get some!" she started to cry. "As long as it's not a socialist!"
"What the HELL are you talking about?" demanded James. He was hungover; his cheek hurt, the sun was bright.
Lily was gone.
"Snape's a socialist?!" he cried.
In the Gryffindor Quarters: "Dum, dum, dum," Sirius hummed the wedding march. "Dum, DUM DA DUM!"
"Sirius, you've got your tie crooked!" cried Remus. "We cannot have that!" He scrambled to his friend and smothered the tie, fixing the creases. "There. Perfect."
"Remus.d'you think she'll like me?" asked Sirius uncertainly.
"You bought her and gave her a green card," Peter hissed from his perch on the edge of his bed. "I think she'll like you!" Peter paused. "I would like you to know I am NOT sleeping in the same room as those. Russian tarts!"
"Good!" said Sirius. "You can move out!"
"Alright," said Remus, taking one final look in the mirror. "Are we ready for our Russians?"
"I think so!" said Sirius.
"Do you understand me!" cried Peter. "No more late night pow-wows! Nothing! I'll move out!"
Sirius and Remus opened up the door. Sirius offered Remus his arm and they began to march.
"You hear? NO MORE FONDUE!" cried Peter.
In the Great Hall:
"I've never been more confused in my entire life," said James to himself as he simply sat down in the middle of the Great Hall, rubbing his sore jaw.
He searched his pockets until he found a piece of parchment. "I need to make an.outline," he told himself. "The sequence of events."
Go to bar.
Hoodling buys me a drink
Lobster suit
Screwing like Bunnies
Snape
Something about a socialist
James regarded his list before folding it up. "This doesn't really clear
anything up."
He looked up at the Grand Entrance to Hogwarts. McGonagall and Dippet were sitting down with two strangers.
"I'm not even going to move," he told himself. "It'll just give me a headache."
It was then; a swarm of folk entered the Great Hall.
"Oh Bloody Hell!" James cussed. "What now?"
It looked like.. A wedding?
"What's going on?" James demanded, grabbing a boy passing by.
"Didn't you hear?" the boy asked impatiently. "These guys got some
Russians
and are getting married!"
"WHAT!"
"James!" exclaimed Remus, as he bounded down the stairs. "You came!"
He and Sirius floated down to him.
"Can you explain? I'm feeling kind of faint."
"Check out the watch!" exclaimed Sirius. "It came with my fiancée."
"Nice watch," mumbled James. "The time's wrong."
"No, it's still on Moscow time."
"By the way, who's your fiancée?"
Remus clapped his hands in glee. "Oh! We simply must all get
acquainted. I think mine's the one on the left."
The two guys pulled James up and wandered over to the girls.
"This is Natasha," introduced Sirius. Natasha smiled coquettishly.
"She hasn't eaten in three weeks."
"This is.um.Susan," said Remus.
"Susan?"
"Something like that. I wasn't really listening," he finished lamely.
"She was cheap."
"Sflkjsdlkfjsdlkfjdskljf!" giggled Susan.
"LsjflksdjflksdfnmnvcbnmvnbWO." Natasha agreed.
"Aren't they lovely?" asked Remus proudly.
"And. you're getting married?" asked James. He was beginning to feel
like he was having trouble breathing.
Snape's Quarters:
Snape sat on his bed weeping. He was staring dreamily at the pictures
in front of him.
How could he just let James walk out like that? It was all his fault.
He should have tried to prepare him.
His promise. oh. he'd keep his promise to that whore man that broke
his heart.
James had requested a copy of the portrait. Snape grinned evilly. He'd
be happy
to give him a picture.
Dippet's Quarters:
Blind with tears, Lily stumbled in Dippet's bedroom. "How could this
happen!" she cried to the owl. "We've always connected so well! I thought
we really had something! But I guess I was nothing more than a bit of
capitalist fun," she added
bitterly.
The owl said nothing (duh) and pecked once more at the envelope.
"What's this?" asked Lily. In her state, she seemed to have forgotten
that owls couldn't speak. "No, I don't think I'm going to open this."
The owl nudged it closer. "No!" cried Lily. "STOP PRESSURING ME! I
cannot deal with this!"
The owl kept pushing it closer.and closer.and closer.. and close.
"STOP IT!" screamed Lily, seizing the envelope. She reached into her
pocket and pulled out a lighter. Shrieking with rage, she set the
envelope on fire. "TAKE THAT
JAMES!"
Prague:
"Alas Voltaire. We meet again," said Dumbledore.
"Volde-MORT, you fool." The Dark Lord screamed, getting off his tiger.
"We go over this EVER fucking time I fight you! VOLTAIRE WAS A VERY, VERY
STUPID MAN WHO WROTE CANDIDE!"
"Voltaire. prepare to die!" Dumbledore shouted.
"What are you going to do, my poor decrepit friend?" taunted
Voldemort. "I've already began my attack on England through
bioterrorism!"
"Have you?" snapped Dumbledore. "I believe your owl friend.FAILED!"
"It doesn't matter-Dippet's already infected."
"Who cares? He's going to die any minute anyway!"
Voldemort paused. "That's an excellent point."
Dumby stopped. "Look, Toby-Mind if I call you Toby?"
"Yes!"
"Anyway, Toby," continued Dumbledore. "The same thing happens
EVERYTIME you challenge me to a duel. We exchange insults, we throw
spells at each other, you get knocked unconscious or something, I fly
away.why can't we just play cards or something tonight?"
"Huh?"
"I'm at the ZOO. I'm here to have FUN. Not to fight the Dark Master!
Bator," Dumbledore added.
"Well, since you put it that way." Voldemort thought for a moment. "I
guess I can blow out the old torch for a night," he said grudgingly.
"Awesome!" exclaimed Dumbledore "Can you play Monopoly?"
"Only if I can be the boot!"
A/N-We don't understand either.
James had never slept more soundly than that night in the Hoodling's bed. True, his lobster suit was a little awkward to sleep in.. but it was a pleasant feeling.
He awoke to the sounds of loud singing in the shower.
"Under the sea! Under the sea! Darling, it's better, down where it's wetter." sang the Hoodling.
James' head was pounding. He felt like he had been hit with a dump truck. He rose from the bed, removing his headpiece and laying it on the chair.
He knocked on the bedroom door, "Um. Hoody, Right?"
The door opened, the hoodling stood in the doorframe with a towel concealing his features.
"Hello Lover," giggled the Hoodling. "Great night. Need a shower?"
"What the fuck happened?" James demanded. He was having trouble concentrating in the bright morning light.
The Hoodling smiled slyly. "Let's say we engaged in some risky behavior."
"Shit!" cursed James. "This is bad! Very bad!" He waved his claws angrily.
"What?" questioned Hoody, turning his back to James as he brushed his teeth. "It wasn't good for you?"
"I don't remember! I was more stoned than.Stonehenge!" cried James. "Why am I in a lobster suit?"
Hoodling still did not turn around. "You honestly don't remember?"
James shook his head. And that hurt.
Angry rose in the Hoodling's voice. "Nothing? You don't remember all the amazing love making. all the secrets we shared? The lobsterphilla James! Remember!"
"Um.. No?" James replied.
The Hoodling whirled around, angst and rage inundated his features, "GET OUT!"
"Snape?"
Dippet's Quarters:
Dippet awoke to the pecking on his window. He stepped over Lily's passed out form and opened the window as the Horned Owl flew in with a large manila envelope.
"From Czechoslovakia, eh?" wheezed the old man. "Presents from the Bohemians?"
The owl ignored him and settled on top of Lily's head.
"Mm geoff," she muttered rolling over. Dippet began to open the envelope with trembling hands.
Suddenly, the door to the dungeon opened. "What the hell?" exclaimed Dippet.
A young, girlish Prof. McGonagall raced in. "Headmaster, we've got a situation in the Great Hall."
"Eh?"
"It would appear that two of our students decided it was time for them to get married and.. they ordered Russian brides," she finished lamely.
"What's this about a wedding?" asked Lily, rolling over.
"Weddings? I love weddings!" exclaimed Dippet. "Drinks all around!"
"Miss Evans?" asked Prof. McGonagall; she felt hot rage building up. Lily was her ho. Lily had made several visits to McGonagall's private chambers for "extra credit."
"Hi Professor," said Lily dully, searching for her bra. "I'll be gone in a minute."
"See that you are," declared McGonagall. "And Dippet? What shall we do with the Russians?"
Dippet grunted. "Lily, fetch the grooms. You probably know who they are."
Gryffindor Quarters:
"Sirius, can I borrow some of your "Big Strong Man" cologne? I want to impress my fiancée with my manly musky odor," explained Remus as he combed his hair.
"No problem!" exclaimed Sirius as he stepped into his red silk boxers. He tossed the cheap Wal-Mart brand cologne to his friend.
"Look.Sirius, I know that we haven't always been close but, well."Remus began to stutter. "Would you like to be my best man?"
"Are you imply an orgy in the future?"
Remus sighed in relief, "I didn't want to be the one to bring it up, but. if you insist!"
The door to the boys' dorm smashed open. It was Lily. "Where the fuck is James!" she demanded. "I know that he's going to be marrying that Russian whore today! I have to stop the wedding!"
"Um.." Remus looked at Sirius.
"I think he went that way," suggested Sirius, pointing down the hall.
Lily smiled. "You guys are the best," she said tearfully. "What would I do without you?"
"You don't have to worry about that," said Remus. "You look like you could use a hug."
Lily nodded.
"Or an orgy?" suggested Sirius.
"I'll consider it," replied Lily running out of the room to find her estranged boyfriend.
In Snape's Room:
"SNAPE?" repeated James. "SNIEVILLUS? SNIVELY?"
"Get out," said Snape coldly. "And not a word to anyone."
"This is disgusting," moaned James. "That was YOU?"
"GET OUT!" screamed Snape, tears forming at his eyelids. Another lover had rejected him. "GET OUT AND NOT A WORD!"
"I'll keep my side if you keep your promise!"
"ARGHH!" Snape threw bottle of baby lotion at James' head. "And leave the suit!"
James quickly retreated after an onslaught of bathroom products flew at his head.
He removed the suit, slowly and left the room. He closed the door softly and began the long march to his Gryffindor quarters.
"Think, Jimbo! Think!" he said to himself. "I was at the bar.. hitting on some girl and Hoodling offered me a drink. And then.we talked about the ocean." He stopped and images flooded back to him. "Oh, shit."
He stood there for a few minutes until a hard SMACK landed on his face.
"WELL!" thundered Lily, sobbing. "What have you got to say for yourself?"
"Well, first of all.ow." James rubbed his jaw, "second of all. ow."
"I trusted you James, and this is the thanks I get!" Lily demanded.
It was then James snapped. It had been a long night, "You're a HOOKER! SHUT UP!"
"Who are you calling a hooker? You're covered in.are those teeth marks?"
James rubbed his neck. "You couldn't understand."
"Of course I could understand kinky sex. Who else could understand it better? I don't care who you screw! As long as I get some!" she started to cry. "As long as it's not a socialist!"
"What the HELL are you talking about?" demanded James. He was hungover; his cheek hurt, the sun was bright.
Lily was gone.
"Snape's a socialist?!" he cried.
In the Gryffindor Quarters: "Dum, dum, dum," Sirius hummed the wedding march. "Dum, DUM DA DUM!"
"Sirius, you've got your tie crooked!" cried Remus. "We cannot have that!" He scrambled to his friend and smothered the tie, fixing the creases. "There. Perfect."
"Remus.d'you think she'll like me?" asked Sirius uncertainly.
"You bought her and gave her a green card," Peter hissed from his perch on the edge of his bed. "I think she'll like you!" Peter paused. "I would like you to know I am NOT sleeping in the same room as those. Russian tarts!"
"Good!" said Sirius. "You can move out!"
"Alright," said Remus, taking one final look in the mirror. "Are we ready for our Russians?"
"I think so!" said Sirius.
"Do you understand me!" cried Peter. "No more late night pow-wows! Nothing! I'll move out!"
Sirius and Remus opened up the door. Sirius offered Remus his arm and they began to march.
"You hear? NO MORE FONDUE!" cried Peter.
In the Great Hall:
"I've never been more confused in my entire life," said James to himself as he simply sat down in the middle of the Great Hall, rubbing his sore jaw.
He searched his pockets until he found a piece of parchment. "I need to make an.outline," he told himself. "The sequence of events."
Go to bar.
Hoodling buys me a drink
Lobster suit
Screwing like Bunnies
Snape
Something about a socialist
James regarded his list before folding it up. "This doesn't really clear
anything up."
He looked up at the Grand Entrance to Hogwarts. McGonagall and Dippet were sitting down with two strangers.
"I'm not even going to move," he told himself. "It'll just give me a headache."
It was then; a swarm of folk entered the Great Hall.
"Oh Bloody Hell!" James cussed. "What now?"
It looked like.. A wedding?
"What's going on?" James demanded, grabbing a boy passing by.
"Didn't you hear?" the boy asked impatiently. "These guys got some
Russians
and are getting married!"
"WHAT!"
"James!" exclaimed Remus, as he bounded down the stairs. "You came!"
He and Sirius floated down to him.
"Can you explain? I'm feeling kind of faint."
"Check out the watch!" exclaimed Sirius. "It came with my fiancée."
"Nice watch," mumbled James. "The time's wrong."
"No, it's still on Moscow time."
"By the way, who's your fiancée?"
Remus clapped his hands in glee. "Oh! We simply must all get
acquainted. I think mine's the one on the left."
The two guys pulled James up and wandered over to the girls.
"This is Natasha," introduced Sirius. Natasha smiled coquettishly.
"She hasn't eaten in three weeks."
"This is.um.Susan," said Remus.
"Susan?"
"Something like that. I wasn't really listening," he finished lamely.
"She was cheap."
"Sflkjsdlkfjsdlkfjdskljf!" giggled Susan.
"LsjflksdjflksdfnmnvcbnmvnbWO." Natasha agreed.
"Aren't they lovely?" asked Remus proudly.
"And. you're getting married?" asked James. He was beginning to feel
like he was having trouble breathing.
Snape's Quarters:
Snape sat on his bed weeping. He was staring dreamily at the pictures
in front of him.
How could he just let James walk out like that? It was all his fault.
He should have tried to prepare him.
His promise. oh. he'd keep his promise to that whore man that broke
his heart.
James had requested a copy of the portrait. Snape grinned evilly. He'd
be happy
to give him a picture.
Dippet's Quarters:
Blind with tears, Lily stumbled in Dippet's bedroom. "How could this
happen!" she cried to the owl. "We've always connected so well! I thought
we really had something! But I guess I was nothing more than a bit of
capitalist fun," she added
bitterly.
The owl said nothing (duh) and pecked once more at the envelope.
"What's this?" asked Lily. In her state, she seemed to have forgotten
that owls couldn't speak. "No, I don't think I'm going to open this."
The owl nudged it closer. "No!" cried Lily. "STOP PRESSURING ME! I
cannot deal with this!"
The owl kept pushing it closer.and closer.and closer.. and close.
"STOP IT!" screamed Lily, seizing the envelope. She reached into her
pocket and pulled out a lighter. Shrieking with rage, she set the
envelope on fire. "TAKE THAT
JAMES!"
Prague:
"Alas Voltaire. We meet again," said Dumbledore.
"Volde-MORT, you fool." The Dark Lord screamed, getting off his tiger.
"We go over this EVER fucking time I fight you! VOLTAIRE WAS A VERY, VERY
STUPID MAN WHO WROTE CANDIDE!"
"Voltaire. prepare to die!" Dumbledore shouted.
"What are you going to do, my poor decrepit friend?" taunted
Voldemort. "I've already began my attack on England through
bioterrorism!"
"Have you?" snapped Dumbledore. "I believe your owl friend.FAILED!"
"It doesn't matter-Dippet's already infected."
"Who cares? He's going to die any minute anyway!"
Voldemort paused. "That's an excellent point."
Dumby stopped. "Look, Toby-Mind if I call you Toby?"
"Yes!"
"Anyway, Toby," continued Dumbledore. "The same thing happens
EVERYTIME you challenge me to a duel. We exchange insults, we throw
spells at each other, you get knocked unconscious or something, I fly
away.why can't we just play cards or something tonight?"
"Huh?"
"I'm at the ZOO. I'm here to have FUN. Not to fight the Dark Master!
Bator," Dumbledore added.
"Well, since you put it that way." Voldemort thought for a moment. "I
guess I can blow out the old torch for a night," he said grudgingly.
"Awesome!" exclaimed Dumbledore "Can you play Monopoly?"
"Only if I can be the boot!"
A/N-We don't understand either.
