When Esme led me back downstairs, having entirely missed the murderous glint in my eye, it was to see Edward staring at me with an unreadable expression. Too late, I realised he would have heard everything I'd just resolved.
Don't say a word, I glared at him.
He shook his head. I was slightly surprised by this show of solidarity, but I quickly dismissed it, especially since Dr Cullen was standing there ever so politely, with his hands clasped in front of him, smiling ever so slightly, as if he were trying not to scare me. That probably was his aim, I reflected, since I'd behaved so pathetically before. The scorn for myself that quickly flooded my mind threatened to take me off balance but I was growing used to my volatile emotions and, with a little effort, I managed to control myself.
"Miss Hale," Dr Cullen began. "I'm afraid I must tell you—"
What now? What was he going to tell me that he did not wish to inflict on me? What worse could come?
"—that we must leave Rochester."
For a moment I was relieved, then I was shocked, then I was hurt, then I was confused, and then I felt a strange mixture of all four.
"Why?" I asked shortly.
"You can't stay anywhere near where any humans may be, not for the first year at least. The bloodlust you felt for the deer earlier, that will be a thousand times worse if you smell a human."
A pulse of girlish rebellion flared in me. I had no wish to leave the only home I had ever known, to completely sever my ties to what I could not yet think of as my human life. Surely the bloodlust would not be impossible to withstand?
"No one can withstand that, not so young," Edward said quietly.
"Will you get out of my head?" I snapped at him.
He didn't answer but left the room. Once again too late, I realised that had I not answered, it would not have sounded to the others as though I was considering risking temptation. It would have been a natural addition to the conversation. Instead of feeling grateful to him, though, I felt furious at myself for not realising this and taking advantage of it.
"He can't help it you know, dear," Esme told me gently.
"And I can't help but hate the invasion of my privacy," I retorted.
The glance the doctor and his wife shared would have spoken volumes had I been looking. As it was, I was distracted by the thought of Edward and his gift which could seemingly be most convenient as well as inconvenient.
"So where are we going?" I asked abruptly, tearing my thoughts from him.
"We thought perhaps we might head up to Denali, in Alaska," Esme said. "There are others there, who perhaps could help you adjust."
I instinctively recoiled from the idea. More? I was only just adjusting to being in the presence of these three vampires! And I had already shamed myself in the Cullens' eyes; I would not do so in front of others if I could help it at all.
Suddenly, Edward returned. I had heard him packing something, somewhere upstairs, but as with the emotions, I was growing used to hearing too much and ignoring what was unnecessary.
"Or we could go south, somewhere utterly deserted. If we're staying out of the public eye anyway, we could even go somewhere sunny."
Saving me yet again from having to explain what I was thinking. I felt a surge of irritation once more. I did not want saving. I had not wanted it when I lay dying; I certainly did not want it now.
"Which would you prefer?" Dr Cullen asked me courteously.
His careful manners unnerved me.
"What does it matter what I think?" I asked defensively.
"You're part of this family too," he said softly. "You matter just as much as anyone else."
I did not know how to react to this open acceptance. I didn't know whether to feel constrained by it, to feel welcomed by it, to feel reassured or scared, so I ignored it entirely.
"Where in the south?" I questioned.
"There's the house in the Great Smoky Mountains," Esme suggested. "There are no humans around there."
I frowned. "The Great Smoky Mountains? Aren't they a popular tourist destination?"
"Yes, but our house is well off the beaten trail," Dr Cullen told me.
"There are good hunting grounds there," Edward offered.
I wasn't sure whether he was arguing his case or mine now.
"What do you think?" Esme asked me.
Still I did not understand why I mattered. I wasn't even a woman, I was a girl, and a ruined girl at that. From what I understood, I was uprooting this family from their lives and putting them to much inconvenience generally. Who cared what I thought about anything? But still, they were asking me. "Yes. I'd like that, I think."
"I hope you do," Esme smiled, and just like that the matter was settled.
"Esme built the house," Dr Cullen informed me.
"Oh, stop it," she chastised him lovingly. "You and Edward did just as much work as me."
"You designed it," Edward said. "You deserve the most credit."
I listened to this exchange in utter bemusement. Not thirty seconds past, I had been bemoaning my status as a female, and here was one who had designed and helped build a house! Did this bizarre family pay attention to any conventions of society?
"Not many," Edward allowed.
"Would you stop that!"
We left sooner rather than later; I was already thirsty, though I tried vehemently to deny it. Edward put pay to that, which irritated me. The idea of simply running across pretty much the whole of the United States was an odd one, no matter how I tried to remind myself that I wouldn't get tired and that I was faster than a car. The ideas simply weren't compatible with what I had held to be true for nineteen years, so in the end I just stopped thinking about it.
The others didn't pack much, only what could be carried in bags, though that was considerably more than a human could carry. I noticed that Edward's bags were mainly full of records rather than clothes and the doctor too lacked clothes for the sake of books. For my part, Edward was able to sneak into my family home and take enough of my clothes to last me a good while. I wondered what my family would make of the disappearances. Most likely they would never notice: I had so many clothes, and they would be preoccupied with my own unannounced absence.
Dr Cullen had sent letters to the hospital informing them of a family emergency in Madison, Wisconsin, and so explaining that he would not be returning. He could have stayed to sort matters out personally, but I could not have stayed much longer and he didn't want to let me go off with only his wife and Edward. He didn't say as much, but a fool could have guessed it.
As we left, I was told to hold my breath and not to speak if I could help it. The sensation felt more unnatural than almost anything else I had experienced, for all of it was natural for what I was, except for this. Still, I kept to my word and took not a single breath for miles on end, running on and on, ever going south.
Esme said that they wouldn't sell the house.
"Property is a good, solid investment," she chattered while we were running. She told me of her interest in architecture as we went, to keep my mind occupied in pleasant things, I thought. I couldn't respond without a breath, so it was more of a monologue than a conversation, but it did keep me distracted as I marvelled over the way she seemed totally free from the rules of the society that I was so used to.
The running itself would have exhilarated me if I was still innocent and naive, and I couldn't help but be enthralled by the sense that I could push my legs still further if I wasn't keeping pace with Esme. The wind on my face should by all rights have been freezing and forceful, but instead it seemed refreshing, and I almost didn't mind that it teased my already tangled hair into a further mess. I would have time enough to brush it later.
Edward did not speak to me as we ran; in fact he didn't speak at all except to snap out a warning of humans nearby. Dr Cullen chimed in with conversation occasionally, but Edward remained as silent as a ghost. Every so often he would hear something, a stray thought I supposed, and change direction just slightly. We all followed him blindly. I thought it was strange that he withdrew into himself like this; I had never known anyone like him, who would not share his thoughts with anyone. In the world I came from every passing fancy was spoken, and the only care taken was of which ears might hear it. Between my girlfriends, my parents and the social circles of Rochester, my entire personality was spread. I couldn't conceive a life where there was no one to talk to, or where I would not want to talk to anyone. Then I remembered my own dark secret, and realised that for the first time in my life there was something which I could and would not share with a soul. And yet, Edward knew. Once again, I decided it would be horrid to be him.
After a few hours, we paused for my first hunt. I had been allowed to breathe again as soon as we had passed out of the suburbs of Rochester, but I was constantly waiting for Edward to tell me to stop because he heard a human somewhere too close for comfort. It was not until we got halfway to Pennsylvania that they decided it was safe for me to let go of my tenuous control and hunt for the very first time. To begin with, I had no idea what on earth I was supposed to do; I was shocked when they told me to give in to my instincts.
"I do not want to be a monster!" I said.
Esme looked sympathetically at me. "I know you don't believe me, but it isn't monstrous. You could almost say that this is more humane than many human methods of killing animals."
"And you will find it easier if you try not to think too much like a human," Dr Cullen added.
I felt ridiculously self-conscious, but I knew I couldn't just stand there. I had to do this, and I had to do it before my thirst got unbearable. Finally, I just decided to do as they said. With a burst of determination I closed my eyes and set to listening to the forest, to smelling it, to feeling it. I got a sense that the whole landscape was alive somehow, and it was listening to me as I listened to it. I felt the way that the smaller creatures shrank away from me. They knew I was a monster. Well then, so be it.
Flaring into life, I exploded through the trees, silent as an arrow, faster than a bullet, for a moment not going anywhere in particular, and then following an order that could not be disobeyed. There was blood somewhere near, and I had to have it. That was the only truth in the world, and had I been human enough to acknowledge that, it would have disgusted me. But I was in no way human at that moment in time, I was purely an animal, a monster, a vampire, and it felt perfectly natural to be tearing through a forest, desperate to murder, frantic with thirst, drowning in bloodlust.
It was not until after I had fed and the bloodlust had dissipated that I dropped another dry carcass in revulsion and saw Edward, watching me.
A/N: Thank you to everyone who suggested new homes for the family! For those who aren't aware, the reason I chose the Great Smokies is because the area is densely populated with black bears, wild boars and (in the 1930s, but not now) mountain lions! Add to that the fact that there is a mountain called Wolf Mountain, which is relatively near to Bear Creek, and you get the perfect setting for a vegetarian newborn retreat. I was going to put the end of their journey in this chapter, but if I did that, I'd never finish. Much better to post now than make you wait even more.
