I woke up the next morning late. I knew it was late because the sun was shining through the wooden blinds and bathing my legs in warmth. I was alone, but there was evidence that I hadn't been alone the entire time. The pillow beside me had the shape of a head. Ranger's I hope. And there were boxes and bags stacked neatly in one corner of the room. The chaise occupying the corner by the window was stacked with hangers and clothes, primarily in black. He was moving in and I slept through it.
When he said he was going to bring a few things over, I expected some clothes and maybe a couple of CDs, but instead his entire wardrobe seemed to be scattered about my bedroom. Plus, he didn't wake me up and he'd obviously turned off the alarm clock. Apparently he thought I may need a little time away from him. He was probably right.
I got up and made the bed and took a shower and got dressed. I made coffee. I found a box from Tasty Pastry sitting on the counter and ate a couple of the donuts from it. On top of the donut box he'd left a note. 'Babe, take the day off. I have a feeling you'll need it after last night. R'
Yea…I did.
I refilled my coffee and grabbed the box of donuts and headed back up the stairs. I paused staring at the boxes sitting in the living room, the hall and the family room. He even had boxes in the media room. He wasn't bringing a few things over, he was bringing everything over. He was bringing things here I'd never even seen at his apartment on seven.
I trod up the stairs and sighed. Then after putting down the coffee and the donuts I got to work. See, the thing is, once you've learned how to appreciate an orderly house…there's no going back. I needed everything in its place. That meant all of Ranger's belongings needed to have a home. After hanging his clothes on the empty side of the closet and neatly arranging his shoes beneath, I put his other clothes on shelves and in drawers.
As soon as I finished with his clothes I headed for the bathroom. I put things away and hung a towel over the shower. I'd tell him later where everything was.
I put his CDs in the rack with mine carefully putting them all in alphabetical order. If he wanted to separate them out later, he'd have a hard time. Yep, he was going to be stuck with me whether he liked it or not.
I took a break around one and ate some lunch and talked to Lula. Lula was pleased that Ranger was moving in with me. She was grateful we'd kept everything quiet so they could have their big day. She had no idea that Ranger and I were supposedly going to divorce some day. Obviously Tank hadn't told her everything. There was a part of me that was glad of that. Either Tank didn't want Lula to know that we were planning to dissolve the marriage because he was afraid she was going to go all Martha Stewart on him, or he just didn't want to because he hoped it wouldn't happen. I liked both versions myself. The first did give me the giggles though. I mean really…Lula is Martha Stewart? That's hysterical!
My parents dropped by the house a little after lunch and Daddy went to the garage humming to put away tools. Ranger has tools? Who knew? I mean like he had a hammer, screw drivers, drills, saws and all kinds of domestic crap. I don't know if he built houses in his spare time or just liked to tinker around. I never even saw him hang a picture on the wall. Who the hell did I marry?
Mom went to the kitchen, also humming, and started preparing dinner while I continued to put away boxes of books like He's Not That Into You (do what?) and DVD's like Nights in Rodanthe. Seriously…who did I marry?
By the time Ranger got home (?), the house was in order. I was in the kitchen with my mother and my father was in the family room watching ESPN on the 65 inch LED television.
"What is this Pumpkin? Is it a 720P?"
"No Daddy, that's Ultra Smart 4K," I said tossing the salad. "It's state of the art."
"The pictures nice," he nodded. "It's like being at the game. Oh hey Ranger, glad you're home."
"Hi Frank," he nodded. He walked into the kitchen and dropped a kiss on my lips with a slightly raised brow. "Err…"
"Everything is put away. Your clothes are in the chest."
"Thanks. Do I have time for a shower before dinner?"
"Of course Dear," my mother smiled at him.
"I'll hurry," he said heading for the stairs.
I watched him go and hid the grin. He had been surprised to see my parents there. But this is married life. He wasn't going to know what hit him. This was what it was like for me all the time. Once my parents got over the fact that Joe and I were over and that it was a good thing, they appeared at the house pretty regularly. Ranger was going to love that. I couldn't wait till the conversation after they left.
Mom and I had just finished putting dinner on the table when Ranger came down the stairs.
"Did you find everything okay," I smiled.
"Yea…it's just where I would have put everything. You really got a lot done today."
"Daddy put away your tools," I raised a brow at him. "What do you use a router for?"
"It shapes wood," he frowned.
"What wood does it shape," I fought the grin.
"It's just in case," he said. I could hear the defense in his voice and grinned.
"Right," I nodded.
"Dinners ready," Mom smiled cheerfully.
"It looks wonderful Mrs. Plum," Ranger said.
"It's Mom now dear," she said absently. "We're family now."
"Right," he nodded.
She watched waiting with a slight smile.
"Mom," he swallowed.
"Now see, isn't that nice Dear," she said and patted his hand and walked back to the kitchen.
"Do I have to call your grandmother Grandma," he swallowed.
"Yep," I grinned.
"You're enjoying this way too much," he sighed.
"Yea…I know," I grinned even broader. There were definite advantages to the way this whole thing was playing out. I had no idea that it would go this way, but it was turning out not so bad. I was wearing Ranger's rings. He was wearing mine. My parents were pleased. He had a router. This was good.
He shook his head as my father joined us and we all sat at the table to eat.
"So have you thought about where you're going to register," Mom asked spooning mashed potatoes onto her plate.
"Oh, no I hadn't," I raised a brow at Ranger. "I guess we would normally register for china and stuff, but I suppose we need to register for Home Depot too."
Ranger returned my brow, "that would be great. I'd like to change out some of the cabinet pulls and such."
"Hmmm," I nodded.
"Good, then you'll register at…"
"Macy's," I raised a brow at Ranger.
"Sure, we'll head over there tomorrow morning," he suggested, "and Home Depot and probably Target."
"Sounds good," I nodded.
"Good…I'll tell Mavis and Louise that you're registering. We need to have a party," Mom said. "I mean your father and I didn't get to attend your wedding, but I think a reception is definitely called for. Then it won't look odd because you're not wearing white," she whispered the last part.
"Well, it's not like it's my first wedding. Everyone in the burg was at my first wedding, remember?"
"Ptui-ptui," she spat to the side. The ptui-ptui is the age old way to ward off evil. Everybody knows that! "The church doesn't recognize that marriage dear."
"The church may not, but the people of the burg do."
"Well," she straightened and cleared her throat, "in any case you wouldn't have worn clean white because you're not…you know?" This from the same woman who was going to think about letting Daddy in her ass when I last talked to her. Pulease!
"Maybe I'll wear black," I muttered.
"I heard that," Ranger muttered back.
"So," I glared at him.
"Now…have you thought about children," Mom blinked up at us. I could see that she wanted us to say we were working on it.
"Well," Ranger swallowed, "neither one of us has a lot of experience nurturing. We thought we'd get a pet first and if we keep it happy and healthy, then we'll think about taking the next step."
"You mean like Rex," she patted my hand, "sorry dear."
"Actually…Rex didn't require much actual care," Ranger said carefully. "I was thinking more like a kitten or something first."
"Not a puppy," I raised a brow.
"We need to work our way up to taking puppies out," he said seriously.
"Hunh," I pursed my lips thoughtfully.
"Then if we handle the kitten okay, we'll get a puppy and then after that…"
"Right," Mom nodded, "I think that's a very sensible approach."
"Er…thanks Mom," I frowned. Okay, this was getting weird. Ranger had chick flicks and chick books and tools and my mother was willing to wait for grandchildren. What the hell? I had to be in the twilight zone.
My father patted my hand, "don't worry Pumpkin. There's no pressure."
"Right," I nodded, "no pressure." I felt a tightness in my chest. "Er…excuse me," I got up and raced up the stairs and hit Dr Addison's number on speed dial.
"This is Dr. Addison's service."
"I need to speak to him."
"Ma'am, is it an emergency?"
"Ma'am," I squeaked. I was over thirty but nowhere near ma'am. My mother was ma'am. "Now," I said bordering on a scream.
"Is this Stephanie Plum," she asked.
Great…now his service knew who I was. "Manoso," I barked. Oh dear God, I was calling myself Manoso now. What if he did really divorce me? Who would I be then?
"One moment please," she said and a second later pleasant music flowed through the phone.
"Stephanie…what's wrong?"
"Dr. Addison, Ranger moved in. My parents are here. He said we can get a kitten, then a puppy, then a baby. My mother is fine with waiting. We're registering at Macy's, Target and Home Depot tomorrow. She said it was a sensible approach…you know the kitten first thing. My dad said no pressure and the service called me ma'am."
"Which part has you feeling out of yourself?"
"All of it," I groaned.
"Stephanie…you're a strong woman. Ranger is who and what you wanted and he's there. You can make him want to stay because he loves you…and I know it always comes with a qualifier, but he loves you. Now, take a deep breath and put on your big girl panties and deal with it."
I took a deep breath, "I'll see you tomorrow afternoon in your office."
"Three o'clock," he agreed. "I can't wait."
"Oh you think so," I said seriously. "My mother's going to test out anal sex and let me know if it's any good." I'm pretty sure I heard him gag as he disconnected. "That's what I thought," I nodded smugly in victory. It's the little things.
After washing my face and giving myself a pep talk I went back downstairs. Ranger was sitting listening to my mother with this weird look on his face. When I got close enough, I realized why. He was not even there. He had tuned her out. He's good.
I sank down to my chair and picked up my fork and then my mother started talking to me.
"I was just telling Ranger that marital intercourse is very important to maintaining a happy and successful marriage. You need to have boundaries and safe words, but a little role playing can make a stagnant sex life revitalize. Not only that, you have to be open to what the other person needs."
"That's true," Daddy nodded.
"Using food is one way to add adventure to your sex life."
"Food," I squeaked. I swallowed and put my fork down.
"Of course," she nodded. "You can eat all kinds of things off a human body. I mean food just goes all over the place. I do recommend that you purchase a plastic sheet to cover your mattress before you do that though."
"You actually need two," Daddy agreed. "You need one for under the sheet. You need a second one for those more liquid nights," he grinned at my mother.
She giggled, "That's right. A little whipped cream won't make too much of a mess, but if you start going with toppings, gravy, mashed potatoes and cakes and pies…well, it does tend to get a little messy. Just keep an open mind."
Daddy nodded, "she's right Pumpkin. Why you just never know when after forty years of marriage your spouse is going to do that one thing that you've always dreamed of? It could be just the thing to make you feel twenty years younger."
"Oh Frank," my mother giggled.
I fought the nausea. I knew exactly what the thing was.
Ranger glanced at me speculatively.
I gave him the look that said 'don't even think about it.' Of course, he would. That's what men do.
When they left after lemon cake for dessert, Ranger and I collapsed on the couch side by side and just stared straight ahead. I don't know about him, but I felt like I'd been hit with that sledge hammer that was now in my garage.
"Even if you begged me, I couldn't have sex right now," he said.
"If I begged," I rolled my eyes.
"I mean it. If you begged me for sex right now, I'd have to decline. There's actually no way of knowing how long it will take for me to get those images out of my head so I can lead a normal life again."
"Your life is not normal," I reminded him.
"It's normal to me," he said with a sigh. "Come on Babe, tell me that didn't make you want to heave?"
"Oh I want to heave all right," I nodded. "I didn't eat anything for dinner. I didn't eat cake. You know if I don't eat cake…that's bad."
"That is bad," he said thoughtfully.
"I may never be able to eat again. Every time I think of food of any kind…I have these visuals," I swallowed back the bile. "Oh dear Lord…I bet they even use Tastykakes. Ranger…is this the real reason my mother makes dessert every night? Who needs a new dessert every night for God's sake?"
He shook his head, "that stuff will kill you anyway."
I glared at him.
He sighed. "This is so not what I expected when I got home tonight. How about we go to bed and when we wake up tomorrow we pretend this never happened?"
"We have to register at Macy's and Home Depot," I sighed.
"Don't forget about Target," he nodded. "Everybody registers at Target." He got up and headed for the doors to lock them.
Everybody registers at Target? Seriously…who the hell did I marry?
