Scene 3: The Return of MARLEY

-Snape hobbles down the road to his home, muttering oaths under his breath. He reaches his door, and looks up at the knocker, which has transformed to resemble Marley/Karkaroff's face-

Karkaroff (in a creepy, quavering voice): Snaaaaaaaaape...I mean...Scroooooooooge....

Snape:...What have I been smoking?

-Snape goes into his home-

Snape: Ah, yes. Now I will sit and eat my stupid, disgusting gruel.

-He sits in front of his fireplace with a bowl of mushy grey stuff-

Snape: Eeeew. Do I really have to eat this crap?

Dumbledore: Yes. Don't be a baby.

Snape: It looks like poop.

-He eats his gruel...and then...clucking is heard on the stairs-

Snape: ...uh oh...

-Karkaroff, who, despite the fact that he is PLAYING a ghost, is not a ghost. He busts through the locked door, sending splinters everywhere-

Karkaroff: OW OW OW! ...okay. Snaaaa- DAMN! ...Scroooooge...

Snape (wets himself): ...Marley! But you're...you're...

Karkaroff: DEAD! Yessss... And I've come to warn yoooou!

Snape: Of what?

Karkaroff (continues in creepy, quavering voice): Yoooouuu...are such a cheap aaaaaaasshole that yoooou will have a chain even longer than mine when you die...In fact...your chain was as long and PONDEROUS as MINE IS NOW the day I died. Since then, you have been laboring away on yours, figuratively speaking, of course...making it ever longer!

-Karkaroff points to a long, burdensome chain that is fastened painfully around his legs-

Snape: Okay...But we skipped the part where I deny your existence.

Karkaroff: We did? Err. Let's do that now, then.

Snape: ...Okay...err...YOU DON'T EXIST! YOU'RE DEAD! YOU CAN'T EXIST!

Karkaroff: YES I CAN!

Snape: Okay, then.

Karkaroff: Anyway, I have come to warn you! To help you save your soul! You will be visited by three spirits at certain times that I unfortunately can't remember at the moment. OH WELL! See ya!

-Karkaroff exits via the window. But the audience is immediately reminded that he is not a ghost, as he falls out instead of gliding away. Snape, slightly disturbed, goes to bed-