"Dammit Clarke, I told you it was fucking dangerous to come!" Bellamy shouts, filling the space between us with blinding rage. "We almost died out there! But of course the princess had to get her fucking way. Is that what you want? To leave all of those kids in camp without a fucking leader? Who do you think would keep them alive, huh? Finn? Jasper? Or better yet, Murphy? Do you have a fucking suicide wish?"
By now my anger has reached scorching levels. Who the fuck does he think he is? My clenched fists start hurting from where the nails are digging into my skin, and my body is trembling in rage.
"What the fuck do you think I'm doing? I'm making sure we HAVE kids left to protect! Without the seaweed they will die as soon as they get a tiny cut from those damned rusty knives. Knives YOU are supposed to teach them how to use. Do you think I want to risk my life? I spend my fucking day making sure they stay alive, so don't you dare tell me I'm leaving those kids to fend for themselves. And don't forget you were the one who wanted to leave after all."
I know I shouldn't have said it as soon as the words leave my face hardens, and I can see how he puts the walls up again, the walls he had when we first came down to Earth. The walls I only broke down a couple of days ago when I told him I need him after Dax tried to kill us. I don't even believe what I just said, and I know how hard it is for him, but I'm so fucking tired of everyone thinking I'm a stuck-up princess who only cares for herself. Still, I didn't mean that, and the last thing I want is for him to think that I do.
"Dammit Bellamy, I didn't mean that." But it does nothing to unclench his jaw, and I can feel him as closed off as ever.
"I'm sure you didn't Princess."
I sigh from my place against the car's roof, knowing he's shut me out. "Let's just get through this okay? We're gonna be here all night and I want to catch some sleep before we go back tomorrow."
He doesn't answer, so I sigh again and turn away from him, letting a deafening silence settle between us and hoping I'll be able to fall asleep, if only to make time go by faster.
It takes me a while to accept I won't be sleeping tonight, and suddenly all of the memories of the last time I was here flood my brain. My breath cuts short.
Wells.
The last time we were here was the day he died, and all of a sudden the only thing I can remember is how cruel I was to him inside this car, how I hated him when he was only trying to protect me. I'm starting to feel like the metal walls are closing in on me, my chest getting tighter as tears start welling in my eyes.
He didn't deserve it, and I treated him like shit. Fuck, I was so stupid.
Suddenly I feel arms come around me and I am surprised to see Bellamy next to me. His eyes are soft, all traces of fury gone, and I turn into his chest as sobs wreck my body.
"Shh, it's okay. I got you. I got you, it's okay."
His whispers are like a soothing balm, his lips soft as they brush against my hair, and I sink further into him, letting my tears drench his jacket.
I don't know how long it takes until my sobs start to fade and my breathing calms down enough for me to realize that I'm still clinging to his frame. His arms are around me, and his scent fills the almost nonexistent space between us, almost as soothing as his deep, low voice in my ear. "Wanna talk about it?"
"N-no. It's just-" my voice cracks, and I feel his arms tighten around me, letting me know he's there for me in that unique unspoken language we always communicate with. "Wells" I clarify, but I see confusion flick through his eyes.
Of course. He doesn't know the monster I was to my best friend in this very place, only hours before he was murdered.
"We-" I start, wanting him to understand, not knowing how I can trust this man so much when I hated him not so long ago. "We hid here, the day Atom…"
The day I took that knife from your hand and sank it into an innocent boy's neck.
He nods, a haunting look in his eyes. I guess it weighs down in both our consciences. "I was a bitch, I thought he was the one who turned my dad in- I was hurt- and I blamed him for everything. And now- now he's d-dead and-" I start sobbing again and he tucks me deeper into his lap, his chin coming to rest on my head as he tries to soothe my pain. "-it's my fault." I finally get out, and it strikes me that I never realized this.
"It's not, Clarke." He sounds tired, much older than the twenty-something year-old he is. Is it weird that I don't even know his age? "You had nothing to do with Charlotte's actions, if anything I was the one who told her to slay her demons."
I face him, to make sure he sees my eyes, so he knows I mean this. "It wasn't your fault, Bellamy. Charlotte was wrong, and killing Wells was the worst thing she could've done."
We fall again into silence, both of us wallowing in our guilt and the weight of our past mistakes. It takes him a while to speak again, but he keeps his arms around me, his hand mindlessly caressing my hair. I'm too deep in thought to think anything about it anyways.
"Is that what you were thinking about this morning?"
"Hm?"
"When we were walking and you froze in the middle of nowhere."
Shit, I had hoped he didn't notice. What do I have to lose anyway?
"No, I just- I realized next week is my birthday" I try to brush off.
"The Princess wants a party?" he asks lightly, and this time it doesn't sound like and insult, more like he's trying not to push me, but I can hear the curiosity underneath his teasing.
It is his attempt to make me feel better that makes me admit it. "I would've been floated next week. If we were back at the ark, I mean."
He freezes, and his arms hold me tighter. "You don't know that for sure, Clarke."
"Of course I know that for sure. What do you think they were gonna do, let me back out so that I could tell everyone the reason why my father got killed?" I huff. "It doesn't matter, I guess. It's the- the Wells thing again. I thought he was the one who betrayed us, but it was my mother who had my dad floated, who put me into solitary just so I could be floated less than a year later."
"I know, Princess, but you're not on the ark, not anymore. You can't let the past or the 'would have's fuck you up now, you have to focus on living, on surviving. And if your mom does come down, then you can tell her everything you need her to know. Whether it is that you don't want her in your life anymore or that you're trying to forgive her. But don't suffer needlessly over something that's in the past or something you cannot fix, Clarke. It will only drive you crazy" he states.
"Thanks, Bell"
Bell? Where the fuck did that come from? He looks as surprised by the nickname as I am. He nods curtly, and we lapse once again into silence, my body tucked into his side and my head on his shoulder.
"So eighteen, huh? You expecting a ton of gifts? Because I'm pretty sure nothing down here is up to royal standards" he comments, his tone light once again.
"Not really expecting anything at all. Well, not getting killed would be nice" I snort. He laughs silently at this, but I feel it rumble through his chest, and it makes a warm feeling spread inside of me.
"So you're not waiting for your soulmate? Your better half? The prince to your princess?" His tone is still light, but it now holds an undercurrent of something I can't identify.
"Definitely not." I state. "I used to believe in soulmates, you know? My mom and dad were the foolproof example of perfect soulmates- or so I thought. He was helplessly in love with her, and she was much more -human, I guess?- when he was around. They balanced each other out. But now? After knowing what she did I don't think those marks have anything to do with love."
He seems to understand my logic (of course he does, he's basically the only one who comes close to understanding me) and he thinks it through before answering a bit shyly, as if he's not sure if he should be sharing anything with me at all.
"I've never believed in soulmates anyway. My mom- she fell in love with her soulmate, my father, but he left her for another woman as soon as he heard she was pregnant, soulmate mark be damned." I must look as confused as I feel, because he continues after a glance down at me. "O's dad was someone else, I never knew him."
"Yeah, I don't think I'll ever believe in soulmates again."
"Do you think you'll get one?"
"I don't know. The statistics are what? A 90% of the children of soulmates get a mark? I guess I'll probably get one, but it's not like I'm going to do anything about it. Besides, everyone is back in the ark, what would the chance of my soulmate being one of the 100 be? I don't want to date anyone regardless." I ponder. "What about you?"
"Well princess, I'm twenty-two and I don't have a mark yet, so I figure I won't have one at all."
I'm starting to feel the exhaustion of a full day of walking and running around, and I can't help but blurt "It's not like you'd need a soulmate mark to get a date anyways."
My face turns a deep shade of red where it rests against his shoulder. What the fuck is wrong with me? Since when am I attracted to Bellamy BLAKE?
"Aw, thanks, Princess" he says teasingly, and after a couple minutes of silence I start to drift off, my body pressed against his warm side in the cramped car.
Just as I'm about to succumb to exhaustion, I feel a featherlight touch of lips against my hair.
Or maybe it was just a dream.
