How Cassandra got the Aston…
Cassandra and Raphael were riding the cable car up to the hotel, staring coldly at one another because of the incident.
"It's your fault", Raphael said.
"My fault? We've been over this; you're the one who didn't repair it!"
"Fine, we'll have to see what Ivy says when YOU tell her!"
"Yes, we'll see all right", Cassandra smirked. "Hah, hah, hah!"
"Why are you laughing?"
"I have every right to laugh."
The cable car screeched to a halt and a creaking noise was heard.
"Didn't repair that either did you? The cable car's been making that noise for months now, I hope you know that!" Cassandra pointed out.
"Yes I know, I'll get around to it!"
They walked into the hotel where a very impatient Ivy stood waiting.
"That took long enough! Where have you two been?" Ivy asked. "The guests are getting irate because dinner hasn't been served yet!"
"What? You could've easily done it! Why didn't you tell Yunsung to start?"
"You were lollygagging; now go tell Yunsung to start now."
"What were you doing?"
"I'm reading for my book club you cockroach, now hurry up and tell Yunsung!" Ivy yelled, getting out the Alraune and pointing it at him. Raphael immediately scuttled toward the kitchen.
Cassandra grabbed his shirt and whispered into his ear.
"I'll take care of it, don't worry!"
While Ivy berated Raphael, Cassandra snuck out the front door and back onto the cable car where she headed back into town.
"If that crazy girl could pray for an Aston Martin V8 Vantage, let's see if she could get me another one!" Cassandra muttered. The cable car creaked down the line and stopped with a rickety creak and the warning that the cable car could fall soon. Cassandra dashed off the machine and made her way through town until a bus stopped at the kiosk where Cassandra boarded.
"The fare is 64 cents", the bus driver, who was Taki said. Cassandra dug through her pockets and found the necessary change. She went toward the front since NO ONE except jerks rode the bus at night, so she took a seat next to Voldo, who was indeed a jerk.
"How are things jerk?" Cassandra asked.
"UMMMMMPH?"
"How do you give voice lessons if you yourself cannot talk?" Cassandra said.
"HHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUR", Voldo hissed. He removed his faceplate, which was actually a retainer.
"It's-a this-a heavy-a-duty dental-a stuuuuuuuuuff", Voldo said, speaking like a stereotypical Italian.
"I never would've guessed you'd sound like that!" Cassandra said, surprised.
"Eh-no one-eh-does", Voldo told her, a bit disheartened.
"No one really gets to see the human side of you Voldo, you should make your true identity known, and perhaps that's why you don't get any takers for voice lessons at your shop?" Cassandra asked.
"Why? Is it the faceplate?"
"No, it's that people think you're a molester because of that weird moonwalk thing you do."
"Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…"
"Okay you can stop now!"
"…Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…"
"Yes I know this is a revelation for you but…"
"Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…"
"Okay, this is the last straw buddy!" Cassandra growled and punched him in the face and started stabbing him while he was on the ground.
"HEY!" Taki yelled and stopped the bus. "Who are you trying to murder back there? There is no murdering people on this bus!"
"But it's Voldo! I don't know if he is technically considered a person!" Cassandra protested.
"Hmm… carry on!"
"HAHAHAHA!" Cassandra said as she kept stabbing Voldo repeatedly and smacking him in the face with her shield.
"KNOCK OUT!" Taki said. "Cassandra wins!" Suddenly, Cassandra felt compelled to jump in the air.
"Winning is all that matters!" she said.
"Next stop, Maxi's Crack Addict Rehab Institute!" Taki said, pulling the bus door open.
"Thank you!"
"Cassandra, BEGONE!"
Cassandra scurried off the bus as Taki drove off the cliff like a maniac. She simply shrugged her shoulders and found a grappling hook on the ground.
"That's a freebie!" she said and picked it up. She walked toward the map on the door that said where everyone's room was.
"That's another freebie… let's see, Yoshimitsu, room 1, Inferno, room 2, Charade, room 3, Talim, room 4!"
Cassandra ran around to another side of the building where the window to Talim's room was located, it has pictures of the wind plastered all over it, which of course, couldn't be seen in any of them. Cassandra threw the hook through the window, shattering the glass which caused Talim to freak out.
"SPONGEBOB, WHO'S PLAYING SQUIDWARD'S OLD RECORDS AGAIN?" she yelled.
"…" was all Cassandra could think to say as she climbed up the rope. Talim then looked out the window, with dark circles under her eyes and red veins on them, took out Sri Sarika and Loka Luha and chopped the grappling hook off the window causing Cassandra to free fall from the building.
Suddenly, a giant eagle swooped down and catapulted Cassandra into Talim's room!
"This author must really like me…" Cassandra said.
A/N: Cassandra's my favorite character.
"GET THE HELL OUT OF MY OFFICE!" Talim yelled with an English accent and pulled out a Falcon 2.
"Wrong video game", Cassandra quipped, threw her shield at Talim like a Frisbee and knocked the gun out of her hand.
"You won't shoot me, FOOLISH CHILD!"
"This is what you get for turning to a crack addict, I guess", Cassandra said to herself. "Listen Talim, I need to ask you a favor."
"Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…"
"Don't even think about it", Cassandra said, holding her sword to Talim's neck.
"What is this FAVOR, you ask of me?" Talim asked, jerkily.
"Well, you know how you told me that the wind granted you the Aston Martin V8 Vantage."
"Yes."
"How did you go about doing that?" Cassandra asked.
"Wellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll…"
"I told you, no holding out words like that!" Cassandra threatened.
"Okay, this is what I did. But we have to go downstairs, and I need a couple things to perform the ritual."
"All right, let's get…"
"TV TIME!" Talim yelled. Talim turned on the TV and a commercial for Seung Mina's Sportsplex came on.
"Do you like sports?" Seung Mina asked from the TV.
"NOT REALLY!" Talim yelled.
"I like soccer", Cassandra said.
"Well I sure do! You can do any sport you like from baseball, basketball, football, soccer, fencing, swimming, dodgeball, and practicing the Ling Sheng Su arts!" Seung Mina said enthusiastically. The commercial cut to Seung Mina in the middle of a dodgeball court with balls flying across the room not hitting her while she kept speaking about exercise.
"Ha ha, I'm the king of dodgeball!" Yunsung said in the background. He threw a ball at Mina who blocked it with Scarlet Thunder, she picked up a stray one while he wasn't looking and threw it at him.
"Try dodging THIS!" she yelled and tossed the ball at him, hitting him in the face.
"Ow!"
"That's what you get for not paying attention!" Seung Mina said. "Located on 4579 I'm Better Than Kilik Road, Seung Mina's Sportsplex is the best way for diet and exercise around! Health Warning, this isn't a place for kids!"
Talim turned off the TV.
"How utterly random except to get another character involved in the story", Cassandra said to herself.
"WHY ARE YOU STANDING AROUND?" Talim shrieked.
"Craaaaaaaaaaack aaaaaaaaaadicts!" Maxi boomed.
"Uh-oh, WIND GUIDE US!" Talim yelled, holding onto Cassandra.
Nothing happened.
Maxi stomped closer to Talim's room when Cassandra pushed Talim out the window.
"What are you doing?"
"I'M IMPERSONATING PEOPLE AGAIN! I must WIN, for the children's sake!" Cassandra yelled, acting like a crack addict.
"Stupid crack addict, that's Cassandra's sister Sophitia you're impersonating! So much for the costumery!" Maxi said, laughing. "You crack addicts…" He walked out of the room.
"More freebies…"
Cassandra jumped out the window and climbed down the house with mountain climbing equipment while Talim writhed in pain on the ground.
"Alright Talim, what is it we need to accomplish this prayer ritual?" Cassandra asked.
"Okay, we need a giant umbrella, a bus, a dodgeball, crack, hair as red as blood, and the Alraune!" Talim said.
"THE ALRAUNE?" Cassandra asked, flabbergasted.
"Yes?"
"I can't get you that! That's Ms. Valentine's prized possession! Cervantes got it for her when they finally had a normal father-daughter relationship!"
"Well, that's your problem not mine!"
"And you have to collect them in that order, bring them all to me at Sorel Towers and I'll get you you're Aston Martin V8 Vantage!"
"Fine… LET'S GO!" Cassandra said.
First they walked all the way up the mountain to Setsuka's Giant Cocktail Bar and stepped inside to see the place adorned with neon hearts and giant umbrellas were hanging from the ceiling. There was also a giant dartboard with Mitsurugi's face on it all the Mitsurigi-haters were using.
"Welcome to Setsuka's Giant Cocktail Bar! I'm sorry, but we don't allow minors in here!" Setsuka said, walking up to them in her flowing pink kimono and platform shoes.
"Ooooooooom-pah-pah, ooooooooom-pah-pah, that's how it goooooooes!" Talim started singing.
"NO! No singing!" Setsuka said, taking Talim by the scruff of the neck and kicked her outside.
"I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!" Talim said. She then pouted and sat on the bench outside.
"All right then, have a seat where ever you'd like!" Setsuka said.
"Umm… I'm sorry to trouble you, I'm not here for a drink, and may I have one of the giant umbrella's hanging from your ceiling?"
"KATHERINE HELMOND IS THE MAAAAAAAAAAAN!" Talim yelled from outside.
"Umm… yes she is?" Cassandra agreed, half-heartedly.
"YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY OF MY UMBRELLAS! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF FOR ASKING!"
"Well, I really need it or my boss is going to flay me alive!"
"Sorry, can't help you with that!"
"Please?"
"No."
"What could I do to get a giant umbrella?" Cassandra asked. Setsuka grinned, wolfishly.
12 Cocktails Later…
"Soooooooo I said, hey, you with the face, I'm a… hehehehe", Cassandra said, heavily and dangerously intoxicated.
"HILARIOUS!" Arthur said who was throwing knives at the Mitsurugi dartboard.
"Yeah, Cassandra Alexandra's my name, Sophitia, she's suuuuuuuuuuuuch a hooooooooog! She's like, ugg, Ms. Attention, ummmmmmm… hog!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" they laughed.
"Hey, could I have a giant umbrella now? You said 10 cocktails and I could have one", Cassandra pleaded.
"Mmmmmmmmmm… no. How about five more?"
"NO! I'll die of alcohol poisoning!" Cassandra protested, took Setsuka by the shoulders and flung her into the dartboard while Arthur threw knives at it absent-mindedly.
"NEW CHARACTER INITIATION TIME!" Cassandra yelled, drunkenly. Thankfully, Arthur's aim was horrible so Setsuka's clothes were just pinned to the dartboard, sticking her there.
"COME BACK!" Setsuka commanded. Cassandra took a blue umbrella from the ceiling.
"Make me, umbrella lady!" Cassandra taunted and rushed outside to crack addict Talim.
"Crack Addict Talim, I got your umbrella, now we need the bus", Cassandra said. "But how am I going to get it all the way up there?"
Cassandra pondered for a little while and snapped her fingers.
"I've got it!" Cassandra said. She whipped out her cell phone and dialed a number.
"HELLO?" a man asked.
"Hello Father Astaroth, this is Cassandra…"
"DE VRIES!" Talim yelled.
"…Alexandra", Cassandra finished, irritated.
"AH YES, HELLO CASSANDRA, WHAT DO YOU NEED?"
"Heavy lifting", Cassandra said.
"WHAT SORT OF HEAVY LIFTING?"
"Well, Taki drove a bus off of the highway and it landed on I'm Better Than Kilik Road, so I need you to haul it up to Sorel Towers, oh and bring Necrid too, he could help!"
"I'M ON MY WAY!" Astaroth said, and hung up which lead to him breaking the phone. Cassandra and Talim went down to the destroyed bus to find Taki jumping away from the scene. Astaroth and Necrid arrived on the scene in a Jetta with a sunroof, so Astaroth and Necrid could get their heads in comfortable positions.
"HELLO CASSANDRA!" Astaroth boomed.
"Hello Father Astaroth…"
"DESROYAUMAN!" Necrid croaked.
"Hello Deacon Necrid."
A/N: Anyone else think Necrid is Greek? His name insinuates his Greek-ness while he wears boots that are comparable to Cassandra's 3P SC2 boots.
"Okay, I need you to haul this all the way to Sorel Towers. Thank you for understanding!"
"NOT SO FAST!"
"What?"
"I BETTER SEE YOU AT HOLY UNCTION NEXT WEDNESDAY OR IT WILL RAIN BLOOD NEXT WEEK!" Astaroth said.
"Fine…" Cassandra said, rolling her eyes while Astaroth and Necrid trudged up the mountain with the bus strapped to their backs. She and Talim then crossed the street and went inside Seung Mina's Sportsplex.
"Hello, how may I help you?" Seung Mina asked.
"We need a dodgeball", Talim said.
"TRY DODGING THIS!" Seung Mina yelled and threw a dodgeball at Cassandra's face.
"Ow!" Cassandra said, rubbing her face. "Anyway, where can we find a dodgeball?"
"TRY DODGING THIS!" Seung Mina yelled and threw another dodgeball at Cassandra's face.
"You can stop that", Cassandra said, her right cheek now bleeding a little.
"Dodgeball", Talim said.
"TRY DODGING THIS!" Seung Mina yelled and threw another dodgeball at Cassandra's face.
"Why don't you sort this out Cassandra? I'm going to check out fencing!" Talim said.
"Not a picket fence, you ding-dong, PICKET SIGN!" Seung Mina replied.
"Oooooookay… I need one of those", Cassandra said, pointing to a dodgeball.
"TRY DODGING THIS!" Seung Mina yelled and threw another dodgeball at Cassandra's face.
"But I didn't even say dod--, I mean, that word!" Cassandra cried.
"The author typed it!" Seung Mina said, in her own defense.
"All right, may I please have a round shaped object that is on that shelf?" Cassandra asked Seung Mina.
"That'll be 3 dollars", Seung Mina said, cheerfully. Cassandra handed over the money and took a dod--, spherical-shaped object from the shelf.
"Thank you", Seung Mina said. "Come again!"
"TRY DODGING THIS!" Cassandra yelled and threw a dodgeball at Seung Mina's face, knocking her unconscious. "And that's what YOU get for not paying attention!"
Conveniently Talim rushed back to the scene and pulled out some crack and gave it to Cassandra.
"Now we need the hair as red as blood, the cow as white as milk, the slipper…"
"NO! NO SINGING! Especially from that putrid musical Into the Woods", Cassandra said, clutching her ears. "It's almost as annoying as Kilik's voice!"
They went back up the mountain to find the bus almost there, Cassandra dropped the umbrella on the ground at Sorel Towers and ran into the kitchen with her sword drawn.
"CASSANDRA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Yunsung yelled. She sliced off the cowlick on his hair.
"That's been bothering me since SC2", Cassandra said, and ran out with it, sealing it in a Ziploc plastic bag. Astaroth and Necrid dropped off the bus, so she placed the objects in the order they were to be placed, umbrella, bus, dodgeball, crack, red hair and last she had to obtain the genuine Alraune.
At Crack Addict Land…
"CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDICTS!" Maxi boomed. Charade, Yoshimitsu and Inferno all walked into the downstairs kitchen where Maxi was making Progresso soup.
"Crack Addict Number 4 has gone missing! We need to find her!" Maxi said. "Bring your guns, bring your knives, save your children and your wives, we'll save our VILLAGE AND OUR LIVES!"
"Beauty and the Beast, wonderful novel, play and movie", Inferno commented. So under Maxi's command, each jerk brought guns, knives, saved their kids and wives (which they had none) and went to save their village and their lives (or so they thought). Minutes later, they were up the mountain which caused Talim to run inside the hotel in fear, the rest followed except Charade who stayed behind.
"Hey, eye guy, could you make your stick look like Ivy's Alraune?" Cassandra asked. Charade nodded, if you could call it nodding and complied. He handed Cassandra the false Alraune and went inside the hotel to replace it with the real one. She grabbed a coffee pot from the roll cart and spilled it on the hand that Ivy held the Alraune in.
"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" Ivy screamed and dropped the Alraune. Cassandra dropped her fake Alraune and snatched up Ivy's real one.
"Are you okay? So sorry, gotta run, bye-bye!" Cassandra said and dashed outside. She put the Alraune in a pile with the rest of the items Talim had requested.
"What now Talim?"
"Set fire to the pile!"
"There's no fire here!"
Suddenly, Kilik and Xianghua ran outside with their clothing aflame. Cassandra ran up to them.
"Thank God, you're going to douse the flame!" Xianghua said.
"Not really", Cassandra said, taking a branch from the fig tree and lit it on Xianghua who she and Kilik subsequently jumped into the pool creating a fireball.
She threw it on the pile and started to hear Talim sing "Dust in the Wind" by Kansas.
"Dust in the wind… the Aston Martin V8 Vantage is dust in the wind…" Talim sang. Suddenly the pile vanished into thin air and was replaced with a brand-new Aston Martin V8 Vantage.
"Wow, that crack addict was way helpful! Thanks Crack Addict Talim!"
Cassandra climbed in the car and drove around the road up to Sorel Towers where she found Raphael sitting on the porch.
"What? How did you…"
"I'll tell you tomorrow, but I have to say, YOU OWE ME!" Cassandra snapped as she got out of the car.
They went inside the hotel to find Yoshimitsu tearing holes in the carpet by sword pogo sticking everywhere, Talim was singing "Dust in the Wind" on top of the dining cart, Inferno was listening to Duran Duran's "A View to a Kill", Maxi was crying and Ivy was whipping people.
"Raphael, you're cleaning up this mess!" she said, pointing the whip sword at him.
A/N: And that's how Cassandra found the Aston Martin. Wasn't Talim helpful? This chapter was chock-full of references, hopefully the subsequent chapters will have more "Fawlty Towers" references than the previous ones… hope you enjoyed.
