Then.
Harry collapsed onto the sofa and closed his eyes. It was two a.m. and he'd just got in from an exhausting day on the grid, culminating in a long JIC meeting. All he wanted to do was sleep, but he had a nagging feeling in the back of his mind that he'd forgotten something. He was halfway to sleep when it hit him. He needed to check his and Ruth's secret email account. He had no idea why he found it so urgent to check at two in the morning, but it was a feeling.
Even through the exhaustion he managed to drag his feet upstairs to his office, to boot up his laptop. It only took five minutes, but he suddenly felt wide awake. He knew there was a message waiting for him, even if it was irrational, he knew one was there. So it was with little surprise that he saw an email saved in the draft folder. He clicked it open and then began to read.
Harry,
I am so sorry, but this email is going to be the last I send to you. I have safely left the UK, and I appreciate that you worry, but the worst is behind me now. I can never move on if I am constantly wondering and waiting to hear information and news from you. It is not fair on either of us, and you know that deep in your heart. As much as it pains me to break contact with you, I need to get on with my life. I am safe and well, and I hope it is enough for you to live with that knowledge. This was always going to be a heartless email, and I feel that way now I'm writing it. For that I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you, but as my coming back to the UK seems impossible, I feel that cutting our ties is the best way for me to continue to live away from home.
Know that I always felt deeply for you as you did for me. This is simply a way for us both to be able to move on. I'm so sorry Harry. In spite of the absence and the time between us, I remain always yours, Ruth.
He read it twice, the feeling of finality washing over him. She'd used their real names which was the biggest sign she could give that this really would be the last message they shared. Oh Ruth. He felt tears pricking his eyes because it was so hard to let her go. To lose this one remaining way of contacting her. But he too had often felt the strain and the impossibility of living in the past. This email wasn't exactly unexpected but every word hurt. He decided to send her a quick message, feeling he wanted to say one last word.
Ruth,
I understand why our messaging can no longer continue. Even though it saddens me. What I said last year about wanting you to be happy, I meant it. And I still wish that more than anything in the world. You're right. Living in the past is not helpful. But I will always be here if you need me. Thank you for one last message, hurtful as it was I will treasure it. Yours with love, Harry.
He saved it in the draft folder and then shut the computer down, his heart lower than ever before. He had known this was coming, but he felt devastated anyway. The tears came and he couldn't stop them.
The next morning Harry awoke with a crick in his neck. He'd slept in his office, still thinking about Ruth and his body was aching for it. He couldn't think about Ruth any longer because his mobile rang.
"Yeah?"
"Hi dad," Catherine said perkily. "Look, I know its early but you're usually up so I hoped it was fine I called?"
"Of course darling," he said. "You can call any time, you know that."
"Well good," Catherine said. "Because I have news for you. Are you ready?"
"Good news?"
"Yes."
"Go on then."
"I'm pregnant," she said eagerly. "You're going to be a granddad!"
"Oh that's wonderful," Harry said, although he had guessed. The last time he'd seen Catherine she'd been wearing baggy tops which covered the swell of her stomach. Harry had noticed, but was happy that she now felt comfortable enough to tell him. "I'm so happy for you."
"Dad!" she shouted down the phone. "You already knew didn't you!"
"I had noticed a slight bump last time I saw you," Harry admitted. "Sorry. I didn't want to say anything."
"Oh dad… I should have known better than to try and hide anything from you."
"Yes you should," he agreed. "But I am thrilled."
"So am I," she said. "Thanks dad." By the time the phone call ended Harry knew what he had to do. He had to put Ruth to one side in his mind, and live with the life he had. Hard as it might be.
Now.
"You have four grandchildren?" Ruth asked happily.
"Yes," Harry agreed. "Catherine has three, Julia, Thomas and Henry, and Graham has Lucy. She's only twelve and takes daddy's little girl very seriously."
"She sounds sweet," Ruth said. "Henry? She named her youngest after you?"
"Yes," Harry said. "He wasn't exactly planned and by that point I had retired. I tried to make things up with my children and it seemed to have worked. I'm a better grandfather than I was a father."
"Harry…"
"I'm not asking for sympathy, it's simply true," Harry said. "Just wait. As Claire's getting married you might have grandchildren soon."
"Oh God don't!" Ruth said. "I'm far too young to be someone's nana."
"I've decided that "old" is about twenty years older than my current age. Because I know I'm getting up there, but I don't feel old."
"I don't feel like I'm sixty either," she agreed. She looked at her watch but she hadn't adjusted the time for Greenwich mean time yet. "What is the time?"
"Er, five past five," Harry said.
"I have to go," she said. "Claire's having her last wedding dress fitting. I have to be there."
"Of course you do," he agreed. "I wouldn't have you miss it."
"Let me give you my phone number," she said. "I'd like to meet up again now I'm in London. If that's okay?"
"I'd be angry if you didn't," he said. She wrote down her mobile number on a napkin and gave it to him. Harry smiled at her easily and grasped her phone number tightly. "I'll call."
"Do." She looked out of the window, seeing that darkness was slowly gathering.
"I need a cab."
"Taxi, you're still British," Harry corrected before he could stop himself.
"Fine. Taxi." Her eyes were glinting at him, bright blue just as he remembered.
"Bye Harry." He let her go and watched her on the pavement for a moment before she hailed a taxi. Then she was gone as if she'd never been. The only hint of her presence was her phone number still clasped in his hand. Harry smiled. He felt so very happy to see her again.
Ruth arrived at the hotel lobby and found Claire instantly, her face angry. "Mom, what the hell?"
"I'm so sorry," she said. "I genuinely saw an old friend of mine. I haven't seen him in more than twenty five years. I'm sorry I didn't explain myself."
Claire sighed. "Well I'm glad you're here," she said. "You're in room 45b, here's your key. I've put your bags there already."
"Thank you," Ruth said, smiling at her.
"Oh good!" Claire said, turning to see her dressmaker. "Mom, this is Kelly, she's amazing with white silk."
"Nice to meet you," she said perfunctorily. "Shall we start?"
"Yes," Claire replied eagerly. "Come on mom, I want you to see it. Ruth followed, glad to see her daughter so happy.
"Oh wow! You look beautiful," Ruth breathed. It was true, a strapless column dress which flared out at her feet, matched with a very light veil and tiara. She looked like a princess. "
"Really?" she asked as she turned on the spot, making the dress spin out. Ruth could only guess at what a dress like that would cost.
"Claire its perfect. What shoe's are you going to wear?"
"Flats," she admitted. "No one can see my feet anyway, and this way I'll be able to dance all night."
"Perfect." Ruth hugged her daughter for a moment, wondering how she managed to grow up so much when she wasn't looking. "You look too good for him."
Claire giggled slightly to herself. "But you do like him don't you?" she asked nervously.
"Of course I do," Ruth said, knowing her daughter needed reassurance. "Cold feet?"
"Not really," she said. "Not about him anyway. I just don't want to end up divorced."
"Sweetheart, it will be fine." Claire smiled to herself.
"Help me unzip the dress. I want to keep it nice for Saturday." Ruth did and when Claire was getting changed Ruth voiced something.
"I wondered… if it might be okay if I invite someone to your wedding on Saturday?"
"Oh yeah, sure," Claire said, her voice muffled as she pulled her T shirt on. "There's going to be so many people one more won't make a difference. Who?"
"Harry," Ruth said. "My old friend. I want to see him because its been so long since I was in London. I hope it'll be okay."
"Mom! Have you got a toy boy?"
"Claire, no!" Ruth said as her daughter giggled. "He's sixteen years older than me."
"Bloody hell, he must be ancient," Claire said. Ruth would have given her a playful slap but her daughter was out of reach. "Yeah mom, its fine. God knows you've been alone for long enough."
"Careful, I might start to sound like a recluse," Ruth said. Claire emerged and they both put her dress back in the garment bag carefully. Claire zipped it up and looked at her mother.
"Honestly, invite him," she said. "I don't mind."
"Good," Ruth said. "Thanks sweetheart."
"By the way, we're going out in about half an hour for dinner," Claire said. "Edward and me and his parents. I thought you'd want to come."
"Of course. Let me get changed though. And I daresay my jet lag will hit me soon, but I'll do my best." Claire smiled.
"Thanks mom."
Thank you for all the encouraging reviews. Hope this chapter didn't disappoint!
