A/N - Well, first I'd like to say thanks to all the people who read this and enjoyed. Then, I'd like to say that this will probably not turn out the way you expected. It's a very weird chapter. Cuz I wrote this on a whim. It's crack-ish.
Disclaimer - Bleach doesn't belong to me, which means none of the characters here do, either. Not even Jodie, 'cause Kubo-sensei drew her first. Oh, well.
Chapter 4 - Hot Mama
"Ne, taichou, nice hat. Why're you so late today?" Matsumoto looked at her captain. He was wearing a moth-eaten old pink beret, with fake-looking white hair sticking out from under it. Did I mention the beret was half-covered with sequins (they'd fallen off over the years) and had the words, "Hot Mama" printed on it in fancy red lettering? Matsumoto smirked.
"Shut up, Matsumoto." He wished he'd had a different hat - but no, Yachiru just had to go fetch this particular hat for him from who-knows-where. And he didn't have any in his house. He grumbled something to himself about brats and razors, and handed Matsumoto her paperwork. He now wished he hadn't done the week's paperwork yesterday, because that would've given him an excuse to not go outside and watch his division train. I'll look like a fool out there, he thought. Then a brilliant idea hit him. "Matsumoto, I'll do all your paperwork if you go outside and do the rest of my duties." She shot up from the couch and stared at him.
"Who are you and what have you done to my captain?"
"I am your captain, Matsumoto! And don't say anything about the hat." She stared a moment.
"Really?" He nodded. "Okay, this week's paperwork's in your desk! And here's last month's!" She pulled out a 2-foot stack from under the couch. Then she flipped open a trapdoor in the floor (When did that get there? Hitsugaya wondered.) and heaved out about two weeks' worth of paperwork. "Okay, Hot Ma- er, taichou, you can do all that! Bye!"
There was silence as Hitsugaya goggled at the impossibly huge stacks of paperwork. "MATSUMOTO!!"
"Yeah?"
"You're doing all this, not me! I'll just do my duties and you'll do yours! Got that?"
Matsumoto's voice assumed a dull tone. "Huh. You love torturing me, don't you?" Hitsugaya was going to retort when he heard a giggle. How does this always happen?
"Ne, Shiro-chan, I got a better hat for you! Ya know what, I got two!" Hitsugaya groaned. Why oh why? How does she find me e-very sin-gle time?
Yachiru grinned and held up a fluffy green winter hat (you know, the ones with the earflaps?) covered with brownish flowers (shudder) and a straw hat, like a farmer would wear. Except this one was better quality than most farmers would have, and it was decorated with a pink flower on top. Wait, where have we seen that before...?
"Taichou! Stop worrying about your hat and get to work!"
"But Nanao-chan, my hat makes me look cool!! The ladies would despair if I didn't have my hat! No!! I MUST find her!!"
"Taichou! It was your fault you lost it in the first place!"
"Nanao-chan, somebody stole it!" He paused. "Nanao-chan, do you smell that?" Kyouraku sniffed the air, his nose going higher in the air with each sniff.
"Smell what?"
"I smell...MY HAT!! SHE'S IN 10-BANTAI!!!"
"What the--?" Kyouraku took this opportunity to nab Nanao and shun-po them to Hitsugaya's window. It was closed. He sniffed it.
"She's definitely in there, Nanao-chan," he whispered. "We must rescue my poor hat from her evil abductors and bring them to justice." He punched his fist into his palm.
"Taichou, now you sound like Tousen-taichou. Can't you just get a new ha-" Kyouraku gasped at the mere thought of getting a new hat.
"Nanao-chan, do you think I could simply abandon Jodie like that and leave her to die? Do you take me for that kind of man? NO! I am faithful! I will fight for her! JODIEEEEEEEEEE!!!! I'M COMING TO SAVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!" And he blasted away Hitsugaya's office with the strongest kido spell he knew for the job.
"What the...?" Nanao looked at Hitsugaya (or at least it appeared to be Hitsugaya) with his "Hot Mama" beret, with "Jody" in his hand. It took a moment for her to regain her composure. "Hitsugaya-taichou, could you please hand over the hat? Taichou has been...er..."
"JODIE! ARE YOU OKAY, BABY? DID HE DO ANYTHING BAD TO YOU?" Kyouraku snatched his hat out of Hitsugaya's hands and shook it the way someone grabs you by the shoulders and asks if you're okay. He pressed an ear to it as if he were listening to a seashell and gasped. "He didn't..."
Hitsugaya observed the wreck of his office. It was blasted comletely apart by one of the strongest lightning-type kido he'd ever seen. Yachiru was still standing in front of him with a huge smile on her face, albeit burned black and covered with ashes. He looked at Kyouraku moaning to some person called Jodie and Nanao with an embarrassed look on her face behind him. Then there was Matsumoto wailing over the loss of her couch. How much worse can this day get? Plop. The Hot Mama hat and white wig fell to the ground, revealing his shiny bald head.
"YOU!!" Kyouraku roared, jabbing a finger at Hitsugaya, ignoring his lack of hair. Hitsugaya felt a twinge of annoyance as he noticed that Kyouraku's finger had more hair than his head.
"What?" Hitsugaya asked testily.
"DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW!! I KNOW WHAT'S BEHIND THOSE INNOCENT EYES OF YOURS!!"
"Taichou-"
"STAY OUT OF THIS NANAO-CHAN!! THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS BETWEEN ME-" He put a hand on his chest. "AND THAT MAN!!" His finger once again shot at Hitsugaya as he started his rant. "YOU RAPED JODIE!!! I ACCUSE YOU, HITSUGAYA TOSHIROU, OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT-" he paused here to make the next part louder- "OF MY HAT!!!"
"Eh?"
"YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS!! I WILL AVENGE JODIE!! DIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE HITSUGAYA TOSHI-"
"Shunsui, what are you doing?" Ukitake was standing in the doorway (or what remained of the doorway), looking at them with a strange expression on his face (he chose to ignore Hitsugaya's new 'do). Several of Hitsugaya's subordinates hovered behind him and the debris of the office, staring at their captain's new haircut. Or whatever you call a bald head.
"JU-CHAN!! HELP ME! HITSUGAYA HAS COMMITTED A HEINOUS CRIME...HE HAS VIOLATED MY RIGHTS AS A CITIZEN OF SEIREITEI!!! JU-CHAN! HEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!"
"Sheesh, don't you think you're taking it a little too far? What could Hitsugaya-kun possibly have done?" Ukitake looked slightly exasperated at his friend's ridiculous behavior.
"Sexual harrassment!" piped up Yachiru. "On Jodie!"
"Sexual- Oh my god." Ukitake buried his head in his hands. "Jodie..? Not that ridiculous thing again!"
"NO!! JU-CHAN, HAVE YOU ABANDONED ME AS WELL?"
"Abandoned? What's that supposed to mean?"
"NOOO!! JU-CHAN, HE'S BRAINWASHED YOU!!!"
"What the hell?"
"Shiro-chan, you brainwashed Uki-chan? Cuz he usually doesn't say stuff like 'hell.' Ya know?"
"Aargh!" Hitsugaya decided to take charge and grabbed "Jodie." Once he got his hands on it, I mean, her, he blasted it apart with some random kido technique. Hoo boy. Did I call Jodie an 'it' again? Oops.
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! JODIEEEEEEE!!!!"
"Good job, Hitsugaya-kun! Now maybe Shunsui won't obsess over...erm..."
"I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU JODIE, BUT I NEED A HAT!" Kyouraku bowed to the pile of ashes that was Jodie. "NANAO-CHAN, WE SHALL EMBARK ON A QUEST! WE WILL FIND THE HOLY GRAIL! KING ARTHUR'S WHATSIT! THE PERFECT HAT FOR ME! COCOLIME'S MISSING JAY CHOU CD!! (Oh, how I wish they could...)"
"Taichou..." Nanao knew her captain to do a host of strange things, but this was by far the weirdest. "Jay Chou...?"
"NANAO-CHAN! WHAT IS THAT YOU HAVE IN YOUR HANDS?!?!" Kyoraku snatched the pink object from her hands. "This...this is perfect..." He plopped it on his head. "NANAO-CHAN! YOU HAVE FOUND MY PERFECT HAT! THANK YOU, NANAO-CHAAAAAN!!! AS A REWARD, I SHALL LET YOU HAVE A KISS OF-"
Thwack. Nanao hit him on the head with her book. To add to this effect, Yachiru took this opportunity to jab him in the balls with her zanpaku-to's scabbard.
"YEOWWWW!! OH, MY ACHING GROIN!!"
Ukitake and Hitsugaya gave a simultaneous groan.
"Idiot."
A/N- Guess what Kyouraku's perfect hat is. It's pink, old, and used to be sparkly. Enough for you? I don't know.
Hmm...I don't know about this chapter, it's a bit...you know. I'll host a funeral for Jodie - feel honored, Jodie; Uncle Patrick didn't have one. Boy, I'm sure coming up with a lot of ridiculous names. Whaddaya think of Frugenshtwinkenheimer?
