"Gran Mag…"
Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…
Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…
Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…
Part V…
"Sheldon?...Let me get this straight…" Penny, in isolated corner, annoyed tone…
Smile and brief wave to Amy and Bernadette waiting…Amy looking anxiously up and down the street again…
"Straight" with Penny rarely meaning the geometric term, I await a long and pointless flight off the map…
"You say your future sister-in-law…And that future's looking dimmer by the second…That nice kids' brain doc…"
"Neurologist…Pediatric neurologist…"
"Right…That beautiful and classy lady…Who saves little kids by the dozen every year…Is a 'heartless spawn of Satan who delights in destroying men and the women who love them'…"
"I should note that was me quoting my beloved Amy Farrah Fowler, her own sister…How is my beloved by the way?..."
"Ready to kick your keyster into Hell and then shoot herself…Sheldon, you have really screwed it with her this time…My advice is you run, even take a cab…Yes, Sheldon, a filthy, grimy cab…From wherever you are and get over here this second…I don't care if the mean but pretty French lady will hurt you, Sheldon…"
Difficult girl to talk sense to, really…As I noted to Cyndy who had to admit Penny could be a little…At times…
And at other times, a bit…Well, Cyndy doesn't like to gossip, nor do I…
"She was even dating this funny-looking little guy for a while…Smart, like you I guess…Desperation city…" Cyndy noted, shaking head…
"There is no one…'Smart like me'…" I explained…
But Penny to attend to…And before she loses what little self-control she has and gives the phone to Amy…
"Penny…Amy doesn't like to tell about Charlotte's past…But she's done terrible things…For example…One of those children you mentioned she saved…Is in a mental institution because her life-saver drove her father to insanity and her mother to suicide…"
"What?...Sheldon…" Penny, exasperation in her voice…
I know that sound all too well…I produce it myself all the time…For very good reasons, often involving Penny…
"Amy believes Charlotte loves her and has changed…But it's a lie…Penny, you know I don't lie…My Meemaw would cry in Heaven if I did…"
"Sheldon…You are asking me to believe that a beautiful, talented, poised doctor…From Paris, no less…Who could take her pick of men…Would choose you…?"
"And?..." I ask…
I'm puzzled…What's the difficulty…
"…To destroy her own sister?...Though the 'destroy' part is not unbelievable, given what I know of sisters…" Penny reflected… "…She'd do 'it' with you?..."
Again…The difficulty here?...
"Penny…You know of Amy's adolescence…One that makes…I admit it…Even my purgatory in East Texas look like a tea party…Now imagine that the case for Charlotte…Squared…"
"It is hard to imagine that, Sheldon…"
"Ask Amy to show the photo in her wallet of Charlotte at twelve…When she was sent to boarding school in France?...By the way, do you know why she was sent to boarding school in France?..."
"Great opportunity, maybe?...I sure woulda liked to go…"
"Her father…Still then not having abandoned his family and fled to drink himself to death…Said…And I quote… 'I won't have two ugly dogs in my kennel at once…' end quote…"
"He said…That?..." Penny, gasping noise…
"Penny…Charlotte in her rage over her treatment in adolescence and the contrast after her shedding the carapace of that time has sold her soul to Evil…She is pledged…And told Amy many times…To revenge herself on all men and in destroying them, destroy the women she hates even more for their cruelty to her back then…That gentle, smiling, ethereal nature so seemingly like mine…Is but a façade for black, pitiless, cruelty…"
"Wow…No, Sheldon…This is crazy…Amy didn't turn out like that…"
"That's because Amy has a soul that made the angels weep when she left Heaven, as my mother would say…And I say, minus the religious symbolism…So that she lives to not to punish or hate but to spread love and tenderness…"
"Amy?...Sheldon, that's so sweet…She is very nice…"
"But Charlotte is her dark side…And hates Amy for not joining her in a compact of Evil…Amy's rejection of vengeance and hatred galls Charlotte to the quick…She hates Amy more than any other living soul for that betrayal…And has waited for the day Amy would be on the brink of divine happiness…"
"'Divine happiness'?...Marrying you?..."
Hard to make that girl understand the basics sometimes…
"Sheldon…Look…I won't rat you out to Amy yet…Just come on and let her see you're not dead, being eaten by ferrets or something and we'll talk…"
"NO!...If Charlotte's learns I'm been found, she'll strike…She'll tell Amy…"
"Tell Amy…What?..." stern tone… "Sheldon?..."
"I thought you didn't believe Charlotte could be interested in me?..." my clever riposte…
"Sheldon Cooper!...Did you diddle around with your sister-in-law?..."
Why am I feeling compelled to say…No, mommie…?
"Penny…No…I told you…She diddled…So far to second base and I think a little beyond, though I'm not really sure on the terminology…With me…And I was not a willing participant…"
"Uhnn…Sheldon…"
"Penny…In all the time we've known each other…And since I've known Leonard have I ever lied except to help Leonard those times concealing things from you?..."
"Sheldon…"
"Penny…My life depends on you trusting me…"
"Your life?...Sheldon…"
"Amy Farrah Fowler is my life…Penny, please…"
"Oh…God…"
"What does that mean?...Is that a request for divine assistance?...An indication of uncertainty…Penny, I need to know here…"
"Actually…Sheldon…It's a wish that you're telling the truth…And that someone would love me as much as you'd have to love Amy if all this is true…But…"
"Do one thing for me…Give me fifteen minutes to flee this den of caffeine addicts and…Well, fine…Two things…When you call Charlotte and Leonard over…And she comes…Tell her you're hoping to reunite with Leonard…"
"What?..."
"I'm going to prove to you what I say is true…Leonard no doubt seemed to be finding Charlotte appealing, didn't he?...And she, him, given she asked him to take her searching for me…?"
Pause…
"Well…Yeah…But what does that prove?...She's sweet to everybody and Leonard…God knows…Will fall all over any pretty woman who shows the slightest interest in him…" annoyed tone…Slight sigh…
"Tell her you think you and he might have a chance to get back together…That you're anxious and quite hopeful, in fact…"
Hmmn…
"Penny?...Are you there?..."
"Yeah…Sheldon…I don't wanna do that…"
"Penny…Charlotte isn't interested in Leonard except as an errand boy now…But tell her he's attached or desired by you or another woman…"
"What other woman?..."
"I'm speaking hypothetically….Just tell her you see a future for you…And watch what she does…Odds are you not only hear they're in the sack within the hour, but she makes sure you get a front row seat…"
"Sheldon!..."
"What?...It's what she does…"
"That's crazy…Leonard would never…I mean she would never…"
"Do this for Amy if you won't for me…And for Leonard, before he becomes the Queen Bee's junior drone boy…"
Sigh…
"Penny…?...Penny?..."
"Not tonight, Sheldon!..." her voice took on a harsh tone…But, finally…A sigh…
"All right…Fifteen minutes…No more…"
"And my test?..."
"Yeah, whatever…" sigh…
"Gran Mag…"
Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…
Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…
Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…
Part VI…
"Alright!..." the frantic voice of Amy Farrah Fowler echoing through the caffeine saturated den that is the Starbucks on Lowry St…Startling the drug-numbed patrons out of their hallucinatory buzzes…
All staring at the youngish personification of the famed Margaret Hamilton in costumed glory…Though still minus the crowning bonnet…And lacking broomstick…
"…Where is he?..." she, stalking through the store, hurriedly but careful eyeing each patron…Several of whom seemed to have dark childhood memories associated with Ms. Hamilton's famed performance in "Wizard of Oz…"
"What's with…?" Cyndy shrugged to Penny who'd followed the racing Amy for three blocks after telling her that her friend had seen Sheldon enter the store…
"You!..."Amy had whirled round and fixing on Penny and Cyndy, headed over… "Where is Sheldon?...Mens' room?...Oh, I must get him out of this Hades of caffeine…"
"She doesn't drink coffee regularly…The beans odor in the air must be getting to her…" Penny noted… "And she's really upset about her boyfriend…"
"Fiancee…" Amy corrected… "Meaning unavailable…Where is he?..." she focused on Cyndy, staring fiercely… "You tell me where he is or where he went, now!...Or I call the police to raid this den!..."
"Amy, it's a coffee shop…It's perfectly legal…" Penny tried, soothing…
"Then I'll go into local politics and have it declared illegal!…Sheldon can't be in a place like this for long, he's got a very delicate electrolyte balance…"
(That's love, gentle reader…And I find I rather like it…All things considered…)
"He left a few minutes ago…Thataway…" Cyndy pointed…In the wrong direction…
(We will name our first born daughter…Well, middle name…If we survive…After her…Amy Cyndy Cooper…I can live with that…)
"Was he ill?...Injured?...Speak up you drug-dealing trollop!..." Amy, hollering…
Amy…Penny hissed… "Cyndy's just tryin' to help here…"
"Yes…" calming tone… "I'm sorry…But was he alright?...He must have still been ambulatory…Unless he'd obtained a mobile wheelchair…"
"Nope…No wheelchair…He did have a boo-boo on his elbow…I got him a…"
"My God!...Oh, Sheldon, how could I have doubted you?...You are ill…Did it break skin?...Was he staggering, delirious with fever?...Answers, girl!..." Amy cried…Cyndy…And even Penny…Recoiling a little from the rather insistent pointed finger and frantic face framed in witch's costume before them…
God, that was a great Halloween choice…Penny thought…
(Agreed…If one notes the luminosity of the beauty contained within as the key factor…I always thought Ms. Hamilton to far outshine her chubby teenage-costar, even if her role was that of Evil personified…)
"…Bandaid…He was fine…I told you he just left…"
"Come, Penny…The game's afoot!...There's no time to lose!…Addicts!..." Amy took in the room… "You have my pity and sympathy…Come, Penny!...Now is not the time to dawdle…"
"I really think the beans are getting to her…" Penny noted…Sighing to Cyndy… "Thanks a lot…"
Just outside…Next to the patrol car that had been parked outside the Starbucks, Charlotte and Leonard had arrived, in response to Penny's summons…Leonard hailing the two women as they emerged…
(I, of course, already safely ensconced in a secure observation post across the street…The second floor of Cyndy's building in fact, she having given me the door code…
She's a lamb…)
My God, that was a good Halloween costume for Amy…Leonard, staring…
And she's not bad in it, at that…
(Hands off, Hofstadter…Or once again face the ju-jitsu skills of one Cooper…I whooped you once, I can do it again…)
"Our quarry has flown…But is wounded…" Amy, tersely…
"He's actually hurt?…" Leonard stared… "So there may be some legitimate reason, relatively speaking for all this nonsense chasing him…"
"Poor Sheldon…" Charlotte breathed, shaking head concernedly… "How was he injured?..."
Penny, her natural instinct for deceit in women honed by my warnings, watching…Wondering a bit now…
Though rather too concerned with Hofstadter's obvious panting after the latest female to hold him in pitiful thrall…
(In the Dracula films, Leonard would be the rather innocent and naïve, yet oversexed by years of repression, female of low intellect who always ends up bitten, killed by the Count, and too stupid to avoid being staked first by the fearless vampire hunters…
Hmmn…Food for thought, there…)
"I've no details…Only a description of his wound…A possible skin break…" Amy shook her head…
"I don't remember Sheldon being hurt tonight…" Leonard shrugged… "Did he fall climbing out of the room?..."
"What?..." Amy stared…
"Leonard?...Not helping…" Penny glared…
(Indeed…It's been my experience his presence usually does not…)
"Well, we must find him…He can't be far on foot and hurt…" Charlotte noted…Looking round hastily…
(Anticipating the kill already, no doubt…Her prey vulnerable, she seeks the spoor…)
"Say, Leonard…" Penny suggested with an effort at casual… "How about Amy goes with you in the car?...If Sheldon's hurt, she'll want to rush him to the nearest ER…Amy?...Charlotte, Bernadette, and I can stay on foot…?"
"What?...Sorry, just reviewing my mouth-to-mouth resuscitation skills…Sheldon and I practice religiously…" faintest of smiles…
(You likewise minx, you…I return smile…Postdated…)
"An effective way of killing two birds with one physical intimacy…" she noted…
"I don't think…" Charlotte, cautiously…Leonard no doubt eager to add his support for keeping the… (rolling eyes) teams together…
"Sheldon's likely to be near and he may be afraid to face Amy…" Penny whispered to her as Amy scanned the sidewalk for any possible clues while pondering the suggestion…
Hmmn…The evil wheels in my sister-in-law's fiendish mind whirring…A chance to catch Sheldon alone, but for whoever this "Penny" and that "Bernadette" are in the local scheme of things…
"Perhaps you're right, Penny…" both Fowler girls in perfect echo…
"Lets consider this…" Leonard, a bit lamely…
(And with that groveling whine so characteristic of him when he senses a faint chance of coitus fading away on the elegantly lilac-scented breeze from Charlotte…)
"I think it is the wisest plan, the three of us on foot, and you and Amy in car…" Charlotte, gentle smile…Please, for my dearest sister, oh sweet Leonard… "Amy, don't worry, dearest…I'll find him…"
Hmmn…Penny, catching just the faintest, brilliantly concealed gleam…
(Find me…And leave nothing but the crunched remains of my bones…)
"Uh…Well…If you think so…" (Or, no doubt some such nonsense to that effect) Leonard sighed…
"Right…Come, Leonard…" Amy was getting into the car… "We need to be quick, here, people!...Get moving!…Remember his favorite superhero is the Flash…Floor it, Mr. Hofstadter!..."
"Yeah…Yeah…" sigh…Glance after Charlotte, who gave a gentle wave… "Good luck, Leonard…Amy…" silkenly soft call…
Penny frowning at the sighing Hofstadter…
Goddamn you little…
"Round the block, as fast as lightning!..." Amy's cry from the car window…Wave of black silk enrobed arms…
Right…Flying monkey…Penny nodded grimly…Watching the car pull out…
"Gran Mag…"
Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…
Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…
Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…
Part VII…
Having agreed to keep close, two of the third seekers on foot of yours truly, Dr. Sheldon Cooper…The Maltese falcon of their quest…Had regrouped after separately searching several building grounds on the main street where I had briefly holed up in a sordid and dangerous, but convenient caffeine den…
(The things I do for the love of Amy Farrah Fowler…)
Namely my nemesis and would be…Well, wouldn't be, if she has her way…sister-in-law, Dr. Charlotte Magdalena Fowler, M.D., one of the world's premier pediatric neurologists…And Penny, a waitress we know…
Waiting for the third member of their band, Dr. Bernadette Rostenkowski, Ph.D, (Microbiology, though) to return from her search, Penny has decided to implement my suggested means of verifying the accuracy of my report regarding the Evil that is Charlotte…A field test…
(Well about time…)
"So…You had a chance to talk to Leonard a little…In private…" smile…
"Oh, yes…He's a very sweet fellow…" Charlotte, nodding, attention focused on the hunt but always one eye open, ear available for any chance to treacherously cleave an open heart…
"I understand from Amy…And he, himself…That you and he have been…Close…" friendly smile…Glance far down street, then careful analysis of the sidewalk for potential clues…
"Yeah…We were pretty hot for a while…Then I got a little unsure…" Penny, nodding…
"Well…He seems very fond of you…As are all Amy's friends…" Charlotte, warm beam… "I think it's so sweet that you've been right there with Sheldon and Leonard all this time to look after them…I know Amy appreciates it…She regards you as a very dear friend…I'm so glad of that…She and I had so few friends growing up and then I went to France, and though we stayed in touch all those years…It was very hard to look out for my little sis…"
"So I've heard from Amy…" Penny, peering down the street for Bernadette… "But you two both turned out very well, I'd say…You're such a success and Amy…Well, she's great…"
"A bit unusual…But perhaps that's what's driven her in her career…That single-minded devotion I so lack…Though I am glad she's found someone to care for at last…"
"Yeah…Sheldon, with all his faults, is a good guy…And he loves Amy, I know that…"
"That's so clear…" Charlotte, angelic beam…Sigh… "Though his behavior does worry me at times…Especially this sudden departure…"
"It's Sheldon…" Penny shrugged… "What can ya do?...Either just love him or run like hell from him…"
"I see…" Charlotte, carefully… "And you are one of those who loves him, I'm sure..."
(Patiently probing…Like a spider spinning a web, watching for the fly…)
"It was tough…" roll of eyes… "Very tough…But, yeah…In the end, he grows on you…" grin…
"I see…It's just so delightful you spend so much time with him…And the others..."
(As I said…She is good…In the most Evil way…Lovely…Charlotte clearly setting up a canvas for her sister on which the vixen Penny leads us in Roman orgies each night…A nice extra touch to add to the blackened character of Sheldon Cooper…
Does make some sense, I suppose…I can't really imagine any other reason for association with her sounding plausible…)
"Well…I spend time with Amy and Bernadette too…We've become quite a gal team…Amy even goes out with us…And I can tell you, we've seen her get pprretty wild…" grin…
"How lovely my poor sister has such friends…" warm smile…Slight toss of exquisitely wind-blown hair… "Tell me, though…Has she ever seen other men?..."
"Other?..."
"I can't help feeling…Please don't misunderstand, Penny…I'm happy about Sheldon and her, if it's what she wants…Truly…It's just, what with her shyness and her problems mixing in society…She may not have had much chance to compare Sheldon to other men…"
"Oh, she's gone out with other guys…Some…A few…"
"Not like our drug addict cousin, I hope…?"
"She told us the prom story, yeah…But no…Some nice guys…Heck, she even went out with Leonard one time…Which was pretty threatening to our Sheldon…Finally got his motor running on track, though…"
"Oh?...Say…It seems as if Bernadette is delayed?...Shall we go over and see that she's alright?..."
"Yeah…" They moved down the street toward Bernadette's departure point…
(Apply the gasoline, missy…Time is short…)
"Really?...So Amy dating your Leonard got Sheldon jealous?..."
"Well, it was just a wedding…But, yeah…He got a little possessive and green-eyed, Amy tells me…And that got him moving…"
"So Sheldon is the jealous type?... I rather thought him so reserved, in public at least…"
"Well, he actually did whack Leonard a bit…I understand…" Penny grinned… "But it was all very innocent and there wasn't anything really between Leonard and Amy…"
"That's a relief…I suppose…" smile… "Though…Physically violent?..."
"Oh?...Oh, no…Not really violent…Just a karate chop or two, so Leonard said…"
"Really…As to relief…I mean that Amy had no feelings for Leonard…He is a very attractive young man…"
"Leonard?...Sure…In a Hobbity, rabbity sorta way…" casual wave…"I love him still…" sudden cut to chase…Slight trembling…
(Two can play at this game, sister-in-law…Though, really Penny…You can't hope to play a genius like Charlotte for long without being stripped of all your pawns, rooks, knights, bishops, queen…Checkmate on the forelorn, humiliated king…)
"Really?..." Charlotte, regarding her…Hmmn…
"Well…" warm smile… "He is a delightful and brilliant man…But are you actually…?"
"We've talked…Some…It was a little me…A little him when we broke up…We'd like to see if we can put things back together…And I hope it works out… 'Cause I really love him…"
'Ah…" smile… "That's just wonderful…Real love is so beautiful…I only wish the real thing would come for me…" sigh…
"Charlotte, I can't believe you'd have any trouble finding a great guy…"
"They're very few, Penny…" sigh… " 'Guys' in plenty…Great ones…Very few…And I tend to be wrapped up in my work, like my sister…And I am a bit shy with men…Which is why it has been so nice to meet Leonard…You feel you can trust him so easily…He is so open…And charming…" fondly innocent look…
"Is he?...Really?...Is he?...How open?…I mean…How is he, open?...I get the charming…"
"Well…" Diplomatic beginning…Ethereally sweet tone…
"Guys?...No luck…" Bernadette called, hurrying up to them… "I thought I had a lead 'cause someone saw a weird hooded figure running up to a building down the street but he buzzed in without using equipment or a laser…So that rules Sheldon out…"
(A nice and well-intentioned, if occasionally annoying girl, for the likes of an engineer…But no match for the intellect of Sheldon Cooper…
Now, as I watch from my secure lair…Where I can view the three searchers in perfect…Security…I need only wait for Time to do its work in completing my little test study…And meanwhile…I must make further plans…
And find a restroom…That hot chocolate has gone right on through…)
