A/N – Sorry, I know I took longer than I said I would, but I have been hiding from the world for a while. Don't worry, I am in no way leaving this story. I love it too much. (That sounds egotistical, but I really do love it.) Anyway, on with the story. NOT PROOF READ.
"Jane, what I am trying to tell you is…I love you." And with those three words, both of their worlds changed. Nothing between them would ever be the same again. But they also knew, that what they did next would determine whether they would still be in each other's lives in the future.
"Maura I…"
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Jane was completely speechless. Of all the things she expected for Maura to say, that was certainly not one of them. She looked at Maura, and as much as she loved her, she didn't love her in that way. Jane loved Maura like her best friend. Like her sister. But Jane didn't love Maura in that way. She looked into Maura's eyes, and she could see her beginning to worry. Jane knew that Maura had just laid her heart and soul out to her, and she had yet to actually say anything.
"Maura I just…I don't…" Jane really didn't know what to say. But seeing the sadness in Maura's eyes wasn't helping come up with anything. Jane started looking anywhere but at Maura, trying to gather her thoughts. The whole night had been an emotional rollercoaster. She had felt sad, angry, scared and right now she was lost. Nothing about this evening was making sense to her. So she did the only thing she could think of. Jane turned away from Maura and headed for the front door. Grabbing her jacket along the way, Jane stopped at the door before looking back to see Maura nearly in tears.
"Jane, please."
"I'm sorry." And with that she left. Slamming the door behind her. Maura lasted a couple of seconds before she fell to the floor and cried. She was broken. Everything she was scared of had happened. She had told Jane exactly how she felt, and in doing so she lost Jane. And the one thing she couldn't do without in her life was Jane. She needed Jane. When Jane was around she felt safe. She felt excited. Jane had made Maura feel things she had never been able to feel before. And even though it scared her, it was the most exhilarating thing Maura had felt for a long time.
Maura finally dragged herself up off the floor a few hours later and headed up to her room. As she stared at her bed from the doorway, she thought of all the nights Jane had stayed over and slept in the bed with her. When Jane was asleep, Maura would turn on her side and watch. She loved to see Jane be so serene and peaceful. It made her feel a sense of calmness knowing she had Jane next to her. And the only thought running through her mind now was that she might not ever get to have that feeling again. She shuffled over to the bed and dropped her head to the pillow that Jane would usually occupy. It still held some of the scent that could only be described as Jane.
Maura buried her head in the pillow as the tears began falling once again. She started falling asleep with thoughts and feelings of Jane running through her head. Maura took some comfort in the knowledge that she would have to see Jane at work tomorrow. Work. She shot up in bed realising she hadn't gotten the chance to tell Jane what Frost and Korsak had done. Setting her up on all the lesbian dates. And considering Jane's reaction from earlier, she didn't think Jane was going to take it well. She sighed to herself, realising there was nothing she could do about it tonight. Even if she texted Jane, she doubted Jane would be checking her phone when she was in this sort of mood.
Dropping her head back to the pillow, Maura gave up. She had managed to screw up so much of her life in a matter of a few hours. She closed her eyes, and tried not to think of anything. She was certain that if she thought of anything it would just lead her back to Jane somehow, and she couldn't torture herself like that now. She needed a good's night sleep, try and recuperate from everything, and hopefully come back in full force tomorrow. Even if that means dealing with a grouchy Jane. She needed to hold her head high and get on with her own work.
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Jane went back to her house, grabbed her car and drove around Boston for about 3 hours. Not really going anywhere, but found herself at the coast. She parked up her car and left her phone in the glove box. She didn't want to hear from anyone. If there was a case then they would track her car if they really needed her. But considering she was already working a case she doubted that it would come to that. She took her shoes and socks off, and placed them on the hood of her car. As she stepped foot onto the beach she felt the sand moving between her toes. The sound of the waves as they crashed against the shore. And the rush of the sea wind, as it brushed her hair from her face. In that one moment, Jane forgot anything had ever happened. She was happy just standing in the moment, without a care in the world.
And then everything came rushing back. Everything she had told Maura, and then what Maura had told her. She wasn't prepared for Maura to tell her something like that. Jane wasn't sure what she should do. She didn't want to lose Maura as a friend, but she also wasn't sure if she would be able to act the same around Maura. Yet just hours before, Jane was concerned of Maura doing exactly the same thing to her. The night had changed greatly the longer things went on. Jane could feel her body shaking with all the nerves she was feeling. Everything was happening at once, and it was completely overwhelming. Jane looked out over the ocean, and tried to let all thoughts of the evening slip away from her.
She made her way over to the pier, and sat down at the edge, letting her feet hang in the water. As she sat there in the peace and quiet, she let all the questions that had been nagging in her head flood out. Why hadn't she told me before? Does she think I like her in that way? Do I like her in that way?
"No." Jane stated to herself. But she wasn't sure if she was telling herself, or trying to convince herself. Whichever it was, she wasn't certain how much she believed it.
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The next day in the BPD was a weird one. Maura walked into the café, and saw Frost and Korsak getting their morning coffee. But what she didn't see was the curly haired brunette that currently held Maura's future in her hands. Maura made her way over to the two men.
"Good morning Detective Korsak. Detective Frost." Korsak was the first to turn around to face the doctor.
"Morning Doctor Isles. Out of curiosity, you wouldn't by any chance know where Jane is would you?" Maura furrowed her brows at the question.
"Well no. I was going to ask you the same thing. Is she not here?" The two men looked to each other with concern. Frost turned back to Maura and responded.
"No. She called in this morning she was too ill to come in. But Jane doesn't call in sick. She comes in sniffling and coughing and we end up having to send her home halfway through the day." Maura looked between the two men with the same amount of concern as she saw. Maura huffed and turned around grabbing her phone from her purse. She stood in the main reception with her phone to her ear. As the phone rang, she doubted more and more that Jane was going to pick up. Giving up with the phone, Maura turned back to the detectives.
"Do you think you could trace where Jane's cruiser is?" Frost dropped his coffee on the table and immediately headed for the elevator.
"No problem Doc." Maura and Korsak were hot on his heels. It only took him a matter of seconds to locate the car once he was sat at his desk. "Looks like she's at the beach. What the…" Frost didn't get the chance to finish off his question before Maura was bolting for the door. Maura was a woman on a mission. And god help anyone that stood in her way. As Maura pulled up at the beach she spotted Jane's car. But no Jane. Parking up, she got out and started looking for Jane. She tried doing it wearing her heels, then quickly found that wasn't going to work. She held them in her hand, and continued on. She needed to find Jane. For more reasons than one. She looked out to the pier, and spotted her. The dark almost black hair was unmistakable. Maura went to join Jane, and slowly sat down beside her.
"You know, when you call in sick, you colleagues have a tendency to worry." Maura stated. Her toes dipped into the water. She didn't look at Jane yet. She wasn't sure she could bring herself to see the pain she knew would be in her eyes.
"I just didn't have the energy to face anyone. I stayed out here all night. Only moved to grab my phone to call in." Jane's voice was hoarse and broken. Maura could tell the Jane had been through just as much hell as she had. Maura took a deep breath and turned to face Jane. And she almost broke at the look on Jane's face. "Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why do you like me…in that way?" Jane found this hard to speak about. She had always been brought up in the strict Catholic Italian family. The fact that her best friend liked her like that wasn't normal for Jane. She never had anything against lesbians or gays. But she never thought of herself as one. And with what happened between her and Maura, she was beginning to question it slightly. There was this tiny voice at the back of her head telling her she had feelings for her best friend.
"Well…I don't really have an answer for that." Jane turned to look at Maura fully with a small scowl on her face.
"You can't tell me that you love me and then not tell me why you love me." Jane jumped up on the pier and stood tall. "And another thing, what makes you think that I might…be that way inclined?" Maura stood up and joined Jane as she paced back and forth along the edge of the pier.
"Well, nothing in particular. Hence why I never said anything before. But you asked me a question the other day and I promised you I would answer it. If I hadn't answered, that meant I would have broken my promise, and that is something I never do." Jane couldn't look at Maura at the moment. Everything was swimming around in her head. Jane placed her head in her hands and huffed. As she looked up, she finally looked to Maura.
"Maura, I need you to know right now, I don't feel that way about you." Maura felt her heart break a little, but she had been expecting it to happen. She knew there was a little to no chance that Jane would feel the same way. So she put on her brave face, and let Jane finish. "But the last thing I want to have happen is to lose you as my best friend." And with that, Maura knew that everything would be okay. "So, are you going to be okay with me just being you friend? Because I can't be anything more." Jane was looking at Maura with hope in her eyes. She had been thinking long and hard all night, and she was praying beyond all hope that Maura would be okay with this.
"I think I can do that. I've been doing it for the last few years, what will be the difference now?" Maura smiled at seeing the relief in Jane's eyes. Without a second thought, Jane darted forward and wrapped her arms around Maura.
"Thank you. I don't know what I would do without you." Maura heard Jane's whispered words and it made her die inside. Just hearing how much she meant to Jane was enough for her. They stayed in the hug for a few more moments before pulling back. Jane looked at the heels that were still sitting at the edge of the pier. "Don't tell me you tried to walk along the beach in heels." Maura turned to follow Jane's gaze, and suddenly realised how silly she was being, in trying to walk in heels on sand.
"It didn't really occur to me at the time until I started actually walking." They both laughed at how ridiculous the situation was. Maura gasped suddenly as she realised she had still yet to inform Jane of the impending undercover job she was going to have to do. "Oh, Jane I almost forgot to tell you. Although I feel somewhat guilty now considering everything that has happened." Jane furrowed her brows, in both confusion and worry.
"What? What do you need to tell me?"
"Well, Frost and Korsak were filling out a dating profile for in the café." Jane leant back and furrowed her eyebrows. She had no idea where Maura was going with this one. "I asked them what they were doing and turns out they were setting you up to go undercover. They were trying to set up your dating profile. I joined them and typed."
"You what?!" Jane exclaimed.
"If it wasn't for, you would be butch." Jane scoffed.
"That doesn't make it any better. You put my photo and profile on a gay-dating website. I get that it makes it easier for us to gain DNA from anyone I meet, but I can't gather the DNA on my own." Jane was pacing back and forth running her hands through her hair, before she quickly turned and pointed to Maura. "I won't be the only one going though."
"What are you talking about?"
"You are going with me."
"No I'm not." Maura sounded frustrated and tired. It had been a long night, and this was not what she was expecting to hear from Jane. This whole conversation was a bit screwed up though, so this almost seemed normal considering they were talking about the case.
"Yes you are, Dr Isles. Because guess what? You got me into this. I can't gather the DNA on my own. And I don't exactly have enough time to train a female Detective how to gather DNA. So there. 3 perfectly valid reasons why you are going with me tonight." Maura looked Jane in the eye, and knew this argument was lost. Jane was right, and she knew it. Although she would never actually admit that to Jane.
"Fine. But if we are going to be ready for tonight we need to head over to Merch and get everything set up." Jane looked around as she was thinking it though for a second before grabbing Maura's shoes, quickly followed by Maura's hand.
"Okay. Let's got." When Maura felt Jane's hand grab hers, she felt her heart flutter. But not for the reasons it had before. But because Jane was still willing and comfortable to hold her hand. Nothing had changed between them. And Maura hoped that nothing ever would.
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For the rest of the day, Jane and Maura spent their fair share of time at Merch, setting everything up. Maura set up her equipment behind the bar. Jane chose which table she would be using for the evening. When Maura told the owner that she would have to be undercover as a waitress, they told her that she would have to wear the uniform. She had no objections to it, and she was taking to the back room to change. Jane was done with everything she needed to do, so she headed back to HQ so she could bite the heads off of Frost and Korsak. When Maura was fitted and everything was alright Maura got changed back into her original clothing and headed back for HQ herself.
Along the way she picked up something she was hoping Jane would wear tonight. She knew Jane hated almost all the stuff she picked out for her, but they were going undercover tonight and Maura wanted Jane to look her best if she was going to be going on a date with the killer. As silly as it sounded, Maura liked to see Jane looking good. Even if it wasn't for her, she liked Jane to make an effort. If that meant Jane looking good for a possible killer then so be it. She walked into the board room with a dress in hand. Jane took one look at it and her face was one of disgust.
"Oh come on Jane. Every time I try and dress you, you turn into a squirming 6 year old. Everything's too itchy. Too short. You can't walk in this. This is too baggy."
"Maura we love that you dress like you're ready to walk down a Paris runway. It's interesting. Endearing. Sexy." Jane paused and scolded herself for saying such a thing. Not only because she was saying it in front of everyone else, but because she said it to Maura, and she knew how much it must be digging at her. Looking to hopefully change her train of thought, Jane tried to continue. "It's…fashionable." Maura's heart screamed. She wanted to cry. Had Jane really just said that?
"It's that what you think this is to me? Fashionable?"
"Um…no?" Jane really didn't know what to say. She wasn't actually sure why Maura dressed the way she did, other than the fact that she had the money to do it.
"I am in awe of what human beings can do. I see it all around me every day. Whether it is good or bad. I see it all the time. I am in awe of the hand-knit channel stitching on this sweater. I am in awe of the artisan who moulded and shaped this shoe. There is so much that I find completely fascinating and you think it's just fashion to me?" Jane was up on her feet in an instant. Her hands instinctively went to Maura's arms to comfort her.
"No. That's not it. But in my defence you have never explained your love of fashion to me before. So can you really blame me for not knowing why you love it so much?" Maura huffed and let her shoulders sag.
"No I suppose not."
"There we go." Jane turned around and headed back to her desk. "Okay, now that we have that we have that sorted, why don't Frost and Korsak, you two take Maura over to the club and set up and she can change. I'm going to head back to my apartment to get myself ready. I'll meet you there and we can attach the wire when I get there." No one had any objections, so Maura picked up the dress and followed the detectives to the cars.
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Everything was set. The club was in full swing. The boys were set up in the back room. Maura was dressed and already working. She was at the bar preparing some drinks. She looked over her shoulder at the entrance and saw Jane waling in. The smirk that graced her face was priceless. She knew from the way she was dressed she would garner some kind of reaction from Jane. Although which kind she wasn't sure. She turned towards the entrance with her tray in hand and walked up to Jane.
The second Jane laid eyes on Maura, her jaw nearly hit the floor. Seeing Maura in clothes that left very little to the imagination. As she looked, she felt something in the pit of her stomach she hadn't felt for very long time. The last time she felt that was when she was a horny teenager, and she was attracted to anything that moved. But she couldn't deny, Maura looked stunning. Maura walked right up to Jane with the smirk never leaving her face.
"You're table is ready Miss." Jane tried to save herself more than protect Maura when she started removing her jumper.
"Oh my god. Put this on."
"No." Maura turned away from Jane slightly to avoid the jumper. "I'm under cover. Follow me." Jane did so, but she got the feeling tonight was going to be a long night. Especially if she was going to have to see Maura looking like that the whole time.
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A/N – Again. I am so sorry for the wait. I've just not be up for much lately. I try and write as much as I can, but I just…Anyway. I hope you enjoyed. And please let me know what you think. Goodbye my lovelies.
