The Real World

"You're right, I just got so caught up in all of it, I just wanted to help."

That was to much for Lisa, and she started sobbing again. She had started playing Mass Effect on a whim, just something to pass the now long and lonely hours she had at home. When she had discovered Conrad had actually BEEN IN the games though, she had desperately played through the game seeking more contact with her husband's avatare. She had visited the citadel after every mission, hoping her husband would be there and all to often disappointed He sounded exactly like he did in real life, even looked exactly like him, and Lisa was developing a bond with the in game Conrad.

She had been choosing the paragon options, something she was naturally inclined towards. While she was certainly no saint, Lisa was fairly kindhearted and didn't go out of her way to be actively malicious. Now she was rewarded with Conrad as she remembered him, well meaning and enthusiastic, but bumbling and awkward in actuality.

"I'll go home. Thanks for setting me straight."

Lisa had to turn the game off. It was too much.

"Please come home Conrad. Please." She whispered as her X-Box powered down.

The Mass Effect Galaxy

"THIS is what having a gun in your face feels like Conrad! And it happen to me every day! YOU CAN'T HANDLE IT!" Shepard roared.

As Conrad peed his pants and trembled, he took a moment to reflect on just how utterly wrong his latest attempt to change the galaxy had gone.

The day had started well enough. Conrad had been collaborating with Gavin Hossle, an engineer with ExoGeni Corp, on new possible applications for Conrad's dark energy theorem that was taking the scientific world by storm. They had come up with plans for a material that would render it invisible to the naked eye as well as most scanners, which they were terming "Project Infiltrator." ExoGeni was very interested in the project, and was giving the two quite a bit of funding. So far they were still in the planning stages, but the results so far were hopeful.

Conrad had met Gavin when he posted on a Shepard fan board, thanking the Commander for saving some of his research from geth. Conrad had posted about how the Commander had influenced his own research and even inspired and aided in the design of several of Conrad's projects. They had begun communicating in a professional capacity after that, and Conrad was pleased to find someone who actually understood how he had made the mini-steathl field for the model Normandy. That had gotten the two scientists talking about how they could create a steal field for an individual instead of just a drone, and with Gavin's contacts in ExoGeni they had embarked on a ambitious project.

When Conrad had heard that Shepard was coming to the citadel by way of a news cast, he put his project into overdrive. He even developed a working model that while bulky and cumbersome, really did allow him to hide himself. Well, as long as he stayed still and didn't move anyway, but he was sure Shepard could think of some applications for it. Conrad even thought that it might merit a special reward from the Commander, they were best buds and all, and perhaps becoming a specter in his own right or even joining the Normandy's crew!

Conrad had found Shepard in the wards as the commander made his way out of Flux. It had taken a few hours of searching, but he had gotten a social media update from his friend Jen the waitress about how excited she was to be serving Commander Shepard and his crew drinks. Conrad immediately hurried over, and was ecstatic to catch the Commander.

"Commander Shepard! It's me, Conrad Verner!" He called, waving as he made his way through the crowd.

Shepard looked around as if slightly dazed, but when he found Conrad he gave him a slightly lopsided smile.

"Hey Conrad. You here to buy me that drink?" He slurred.

"You don't need another drink." A female soldier told Shepard sternly.

"Shepard, you've put away more alcohol then Dr. Chakwas has informed me is strictly safe for consumption for humans." An asari who was helping keep Shepard upright informed him.

"Listen to Liara Commander." The woman growled, then turned to Conrad. "Hey, if you're one of the Commander's drinking buddies, now is not the best time. We just got back from a mission on Virmire, and well, the Commander isn't taking it too well."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," Conrad answered, oblivious to the clear warning to leave off, "But I have great news for you!"

"Oh, let's here it." Shepard slurred, pushing the asari away and standing up straight.

"Well, I've come up with some equipment that I think could help you in your fight against Saren, and I think I can even help field test it!" Conrad burbled.

"Oh?" This time it was the human female, sounding somewhat interested.

" I was also thinking I could help you out in the field!" Now Conrad was off on a tangent, oblivious to the dangerous look that had entered Shepard's eyes. "There's just too much work in the galaxy for one human specter, I was thinking that you could maybe talk to the council and-"

That was when Shepard let out a bellow of pain and rage and pinned Conrad to the wall, shoving a pistol in his face.

"THIS is what having a gun in your face feels like Conrad! And it happen to me every day! YOU CAN'T HANDLE IT!"

The asari and human hauled Shepard off of Conrad as he collapsed to the ground, sobbing.

"I thought you were a hero! That isn't what heroes do!" Conrad bawled.

"I apologize. We just lost one of our team members, Lieutenant Alenko. Shepard has taken the loss hard." The asari explained as they helped Shepard away. "Goddess watch over you Mr. Verner."

Conrad sat there for a few minutes still shaking. Finally, he made himself get back up and stumble back to his apartment. Once he had changed and showered, Conrad got around to rationalizing what had happened to him. A quick extra-net search did indeed show that one Lt. Kaiden Alenko was listed as KIA as of Shepard's latest mission. Obviously, Shepard was just feeling a great deal of stress and anxiety over losing a squad member, so Conrad made himself believe that it was his anguish over Kaiden that had caused the outburst.

It was only mildly comforting, and Conrad couldn't help but have a nagging feeling in the back of his head that maybe this had all played out before, and that somehow he had made things worse. That he had had an opportunity to be kind to Shepard and help, but had instead blown it. It wasn't a very pleasant feeling, and Conrad was up half the night tossing and turning, trying to think of what he could possibly do differently.

When he woke up, Conrad tried to get some work done, but he couldn't get Shepard's treatment of him out of his mind. Shepard was practically Conrad's god, and being abused by someone you worship is rather damaging. Not knowing how to deal with it and unable to totally rationalize it, Conrad thought about what the Commander had said.

"This is what having a gun in your face feels like! You can't handle it!"

"Shepard's right, I couldn't handle having a gun in my face. " Conrad admitted aloud, thinking back to the shame of pissing himself in front of his idol.

Suddenly, a light bulb went on. "I can't handle it now, but I bet with training, I could!"

Conrad immediately hurried down to the nearest Alliance recruitment office.

"Good morning sir. Interested in serving humanity?" The middle aged female noncom behind the desk asked with a tired smile.

"You bet I am! I want to be just like Commander Shepard! When someone sticks a gun in my face, I want to be able to handle it!"

This was not the strangest answer Master Chief Iyer had ever heard, but it did rank in the top ten.

"You're inspired to join by the first human specter?" She asked carefully. That wasn't an unusual answer, Shepard's entrance into the specters had sparked quite the recruitment rush, but it had died down in recent months.

"Oh yes, absolutely! Shepard told me to join the Alliance himself!' Conrad declared, already editing what had happened in his mind to a more suitable version of events.

Chief Iyer figured this was just a way of saying that this man had seen one of the many Commander Shepard recruitment vids that the Alliance had produced. "Alright, let me get some of your information."

After scanning Conrad's personal ID, a screen with his dossier popped up on Chief Iyer's screen.

"Verner, Conrad. Doctor of xenoscience." She read silently. That was a good start, someone with that much education would be valuable to the Alliance indeed.

"Warning. This individual has been declared unfit for duty due to being psychologically unsound. If attempting to gain access to the Alliance or an Alliance facility, immediately call security and remove him from the premisis."

That was where Chief Iyer stopped reading. Right before the part that said, "Not considered dangerous, only unstable."

"Dr. Verner, I am going to have to ask you to leave." Iyer said, standing and coming around the desk.

"I don't understand, I want to join up, this is the right place isn't it?" Conrad asked.

"Dr. Verner, you need to leave now, or I will be required to use all necessary force to remove you from the premises. This is an Alliance outpost, and you are blacklisted."

"What? What are you talking about, I'm friends with Commander Shepard and-"

Conrad never saw the submission move coming, and the next thing he knew he was face down on the floor with Chief Iyer's knee in his back as she cuffed his hands and called for C-Sec. He was hustled off to the drunk tank, still confused and babbling about how he was a personal friend of Commander Shepard.

Luckily for Conrad, the C-Sec sergeant in charge of locking him up was smart and kind enough to both realize he wasn't dangerous and put him with gentle cell mates. He spent the night with a drunk hannar who babbled about the Enkindlers and a volus that had had a little too much red sand and kept levitating a washer he had found and boasting about his biotic powers. It was still a frightening and confusing night for Conrad, who still could not figure out why he had been imprisoned.

"I just keep screwing up!" He sobbed to himself, "Why can't I ever do anything right? Where are you Lisa?"

That last one surprised Conrad. He had nearly forgotten about his wife entirely. Unfortunately, those memories just brought more pain, and added to the sense of being lost and the pervasive loneliness. The babbling of the hanar and antics of the volus didn't help. They were both so alien that they frightened Conrad even further.

"Behold!" Cried the volus, "I am a powerful biotic!" He tried to levitate Conrad, but only managed a few centimeters before he dropped the poor man.

"I want to go home." Conrad whined, rubbing his bruised backside.

"Pray to the Enkindlers and they will guide you!" The hanar happily stated.

"But I don't even know where home is anymore." Conrad whispered.

The next day, Conrad was let out with a warning not to go near Alliance property or harass Alliance personal again.

"Just keep your nose clean and this won't happen again." A tired salarian informed him. "You seem like a decent man human, stay out of trouble and we won't have any problems."

"I don't even know what I did wrong!" Conrad tried to tell the officer, but the salarian had already moved on to his next case and was ignoring Conrad.

Tired and lonlier then ever, Conrad made his way to the presidium, not ready to go home to be by himself. He wandered for a while, eventually making his way to the Consort chambers.

"Welcome, I am Nelyna. I don't think you are on our list of appointments today. Would you like me to see when the Consort would be able to see you?"

"Yeah, I just need someone to talk to." Conrad answered, rubbing the back of his head. "When can this Consort see me? Is she like a counselor or something?"

Contrary to popular belief, Sha'ira was more than just a highly paid whore. To some admittedly, that was what she was, but for many she was a confidant, a person they could talk to and unload their troubles without worry of judgment or of a breach of faith. Nelyna wanted to be like the Consort, perhaps even one day to become a Consort in her own right. In Conrad, she saw someone who despretly needed the Consort's services, and decided to take him under her own wing.

"Well, the Consort herself can't see you for several months, but I could take you myself. How does that sound?" Nelyna asked.

"That sounds great. What do we do?" Conrad asked.

Nelyna giggled and took Conrad's hand. "Come with me. Stephanie, will you greet the guests while I am with the client?"

"Sure thing Nelyna!" A human woman agreed, stepping up to take Nelyna's place while she led Conrad to a private chamber.

Once the door was shut, Nelyna sat down and lad a hand on Conrad's shoulder. "Now, why don't you tell me what's bothering you."

A tear leaked from Conrad's eyes. Finally, someone wanted to listen.

Authors Note:

Conrad Verner: The Comedy of Errors. Or was it Tragedy. I forget.