Part Four: Girlfriends
February 16
Lauren has been on my case about something and I am really surprised that I haven't written a scrap of it down in here yet. (P.S. the gold lining on the pages in starting to flake off.) She's been going on and on about the two of us auditioning for the school's musical. I know. Can you even imagine it? Me, up on stage, singing and dancing? Maybe the old Karen Brewer would've loved to do something like that, but the new Karen Brewer thinks that it sounds like the worst idea ever.
Still, you should see Lauren's face every time we get to talking about this. She is just so into this idea that I don't think I have the heart to tell her that the idea of being stared at and on display makes me want to vomit. Still, though, Lauren is being very persistent and she is, after all, the first person outside of my family and teachers who have taken any kind of interest in me whatsoever. I guess I owe her something for that. Besides, I bet my audition will be so horrible that I won't even be cast in the musical. But, I'll be able to say that I tried.
Now. About that mystery Valentine.
I've been studying the thing from all angles and with my magnifying glass, too. It really is a mystery. Emily Michelle thinks that maybe a girl made it, it's so pretty and it obvious had someone take a lot of time to craft it. I told her that I wasn't a lesbian and Emily Michelle said I didn't have to be one to get a valentine from one. Sometimes, that girl is a lot smarter than I give her credit for. Maybe I just don't give her much credit because she's my little sister.
Honestly, though, I'm not sure what to think about this whole thing. I don't know if I like the idea of someone liking me enough to send a valentine to me anonymously. I guess I'm just not sure if I want to have a relationship with anyone, especially a boy right now. I'm still struggling with everything that my bastard of an ex-stepfather did to me to be any kind of a good girlfriend.
Besides, who would want a nut job like me anyways?
February 17
I've been working on my novel. Of course, it's going to be the next top-seller. Of course. Anyways. It's been a lot harder to work on than I expected it to be. I thought that since I had been reading so many books like what I wanted to write, it would be a snap to write up a book just like those books. Unfortunately, it's been so much harder to do that I'm beginning to worry if I can even do this.
However, I am not going to quit. I've quit enough things since Seth raped me. (See? I can finally say it!) I am going to show that son of a bitch that I am not a quitter and that I do not give in just because he thinks he got into my head. Because I am pushing him right back out and into the gutter where he belongs again.
Gosh. My book. So far, I have accomplished the task of creating a rough outline for the entire book. It's going to be a short book- only 20 chapters or so- but I think that it will be just the right length. I've also worked on fleshy out the characters, the main character being a slightly overweight brown haired, blue eyed girl of about sixteen who is new to being one of the ladies waiting on the queen. Her parents held her back until the king demanded that she come to court. Her name is Jane and she's worried that the king will take too much interest in her and want her to become his next mistress.
Besides the book, though, I've been feeling rather down. Maybe not quite as awfully as before, but still pretty down. I let Elizabeth hold me last night and I let her call a new therapist this morning. This therapist is a therapist who works with teenagers who suffered from childhood sexual abuse. Not some adult therapist who has no idea what the hell to do with me. Nobody knows what to do with me. Except that Elizabeth said that this woman (A lady doctor at last! Elizabeth listened to what I had to say!) has had plenty of experience with teens just like me (just like me? I doubt it.) and will be able to finally help me sort out the traumas that Seth left behind. The son of a bitch.
February 18
I was just bony hands as cold as a winter pole
You held a warm stone out new flowing blood to hold
Oh what a contrast you were
To the brutes in the halls
My timid young fingers held a decent animal.
Over the ramparts you tossed
The scent of your skin and some foreign flowers
Tied to a brick
Sweet as a song
The years have seemed short but the days were long.
Cool of a temperate breeze from dark skies to wet grass
We fell in a field it seems now a thousand summers passed
When our kite lines first crossed
We tied them into knots
And to finally fly apart
We had to cut them off.
Since then it's been a book you read in reverse
So you understand less as the pages turn
Or a movie so crass
And awkwardly cast
That even I could be the star.
I don't look back much as a rule
And all this way before murder was cool
But your memory is here and I'd like it to stay
Warm light on a winter's day.
Over the ramparts you tossed
The scent of your skin and some foreign flowers
Tied to a brick
Sweet as a song
The years have seemed short but the days go slowly by
Two loose kites falling from the sky
Drawn to the ground and an end to flight.
"Pink Bullets" by The Shins
February 20
Diary, Lauren and I rehearsed tonight for the first time. For the musical, remember? Lauren wanted me to try out with her because she doesn't know anybody- funny thing is, I don't know anybody either. We're just going to be a couple of loners if we make it. Actually, I shouldn't say "if." At least not in Lauren's case. If I had been in a pool of water, she would have literally blown me out of it tonight. My God.
Her voice is absolutely amazing, is what it is. I had this idea that Lauren would be one of those drama nerds who is really, really into theater, but is sadly not very good at her passion. You know, nasally voice and awkward cracking everywhere. Nope. Not a single crack in her flawless, strong, gorgeous voice. My jaw dropped as soon as she started to sing. After a couple of minutes, Emily Michelle, who is going through this hopelessly romantic Broadway phase in her life drifted in and just kind of stood in the door to the conservatory and was baffled-looking. She, of course, applauded thunderously once Lauren was finished singing. Then I had to go. It was humiliating having to sing after The Voice. Ugh.
I don't know what Lauren is expecting, but with her beautiful voice, there is no way that I am going to get into the musical. She's just too good. She'll snatch up the lead role and I know that they say no to me because um, hi, they'll hear my voice, and then she'll be shocked and confused and ask me why I didn't get in and it will be awkward as hell. I am kind of starting to hate this. I really don't know what she expects me to other than to sing and tuck my proverbial tail between my legs.
I really wish I did have her voice, though. Wow. Maybe if I had been as talented as she is, I wouldn't have been at home for Seth to abuse me. I would've been out there, singing my lungs out. True, poor Lauren also has had a shitty time of it, but with that voice? At least God decided to bestow some kind of gift in return upon her. What did I get? A loud family that never leaves me alone.
Awesome.
February 21
Oh, God! Oh, God!
I was worrying so much about this stupid musical thing so much last night that I completely forgot about my geometry test today! How could I be so stupid? I worried about something that I probably won't end up doing anyways while I should've been studying for a class that I'm not doing all that great in to begin with.
Daddy is going to kill me if I fail, especially if he finds out that I didn't even study for this test. He always knows when I don't study. I don't know how. It's like he has this bizarre radar or something on him that always lets him know.
Oh, God!
I had better stop writing and try to study now.
later…
I can't believe it. I can't believe what I've done. I'm a good girl. Normally, I don't do things like this, but today… I don't know what came over me…
I cheated on my geometry test. And, it was easy to cheat, too.
Brett Forrester had his test wide open for the whole class to see if they wanted to. And he's easily the smartest math geek in the class, unlike the kids like me who are just barely scraping by. Anyways, I just cast my eyes over to his paper and copied down his work and his answers, everything, and sat there and waited for the rest of the class to finish. It was a weird feeling. I'm usually one of the last kids done in that class.
I wonder if Daddy is going to be able to tell. Like he's able to tell when I don't study and when I'm lying to him. Elizabeth's good at telling those things, too. God, now I'm starting to get freaked out. I shouldn't have cheated. Everyone is going to find out and I am going to get into so much trouble…
THAT STUPID MUSICAL!!!!!
February 22
I told Lauren today about the test. I figure that she's becoming a good friend of mine and that good friends tell each other pretty much everything. Even if it is embarrassing and shameful. It's just something you do with good friends. I did it with my friends that I had before Seth started abusing me. Most of those friends decided not to stick around with a crazy, messed Karen anyways.
But, I can't believe what Lauren said to me.
She told me that I had to tell everyone what I did and accept the consequences.
GOD!!!
Since when did she become Little Miss Conscience? It's bad enough my own is already chewing me up for what I did, but does she have to, too? Doesn't she even care about me or what saying that means to me?
Apparently not, because she stuck to her guns even when I told her everything I just told you, Diary. She said it was the only way to fix my conscience and to make things right with the teacher and with my test scores. She said I didn't deserve to get another person's grade on that test (I agree, but that isn't the point) and I told her to get off her high horse. It wasn't like she had never done anything like this before.
So she goes on and on about how she never did because her father would've beat her harder and her foster parents would've punished her worse if she did.
Self-righteous bitch.
I HATE HER.
February 24
I was reading on my bed when I heard the door creak open then close and lock. I peered over the top of my book to see my stepfather smile at me. My stomach dropped and my heart skipped a beat, even though it was a fairly innocent smile. I swallowed hard and pretended that he didn't lock the door.
"Hi, Seth," I greeted him. His smiled widened and he sunk down on the mattress next to me.
"What's that you're reading?" he asked, trying to cock his head so that he could read the title. I forced a laugh and held it upright.
"Whoa, To Kill a Mockingbird," he said. "When did you get old enough to start reading books like that?"
"It was at my dad's house and I decided to read it. No big deal."
I prayed that he would just go away and leave me alone. Of course, he didn't. He never left me along nowadays. He was always around, always touching, trying to play innocent if anyone asked, but I knew. He was a pervert who wanted me.
He leaned down, pressing his arm over the top of me. I swallowed again and started to sit up, but my chest brushed against his arm and he smiled.
"Pull up your top, Kare," he whispered.
"What?"
"Do it now."
His voice scared me and I obediently pulled up the hem of my t-shirt to reveal my stomach and training bra. Seth yanked that up harshly, clapping his hand over my mouth to stop the involuntary cry I let out.
Bending down, he sucked hard at each of my breasts (the starts of my breast, at least) and put my hand over the place in his pants which always got hard when he started touching me in ways I knew he wasn't supposed to. He made me rub until his voice made a funny cracking sound and he seemed limp all over for a few minutes. Then, like a real, gentle dad, he helped me get dressed and kissed me on the forehead.
"Don't tell your mother?"
"No," I whispered. I was too ashamed to even think about what had just happened.
February 25
I've forgiven Lauren. My head is cleared a little more today than it was the last time I saw her and I realize that she was only trying to help me. She wasn't trying to boss me around or, worse, pretend to be my conscience. She was just saying what she thought the right thing to do was and I have to commend her for that.
I called her last night after having that stupid flashback and told her that I was sorry for being such a bitch to her. I swear, Lauren must be a saint or something because she just laughed and said that it was no big deal. That she understood why I was so angry and that she would've been just as angry if our positions had been reversed.
So, we talked a while and then the subject of the informal little dance the high school is throwing to raise some money for the band to go to Chicago next year came up. At first, we agreed that only the truly lame and pathetic would be there. Then, we decided that maybe we should check it out just to see just how lame and pathetic it would be. Then, we decided to dress up and really have some fun with it since we have nothing to do this weekend anyways. Then, somehow, we managed to rope both David Michael and Benny into coming with us as our escorts (DM as hers and Benny as mine).
We were thinking of wearing the most old-fashioned stuff as possible, just to be funny. I mean, our attic is filled to the brim with old clothing and I don't just mean clothes that my parents wore when they were kids. I'm talking about things my great-great grandparents wore when they were kids. Of course, I'll have to double check with Daddy and Elizabeth to make sure that we can wear those clothes (they might be worth a lot of money) first.
I think this is going to end up being a lot of fun.
February 27
Well this is just between us but between us let's get high
In pictures I have seen her and to see her is truly fine
She's on fire
She's on fire
Flowers in her evening set I get the feeling she won't forget
And there's times you'd long to be her but to be her is surely blinding
She's on fire
She's on fire
She's on to me
And I'm over me
She's on fire
And if I could be inside her light
I would steal enough to make my way into the night
And if I could be inside her light I might just find I'd be alright
Well it's not just a daydream if you decide to make it your life
And this is not between us but between us let's keep getting back to where it's from
She's on fire
She's on fire
She's on to me
And I'm over me
She's on fire
She's on to me
And I'm over me
She's over me
And I'm on to her
She's on fire
She's on fire
She's on fire
"She's on Fire" by Train
February 28
I don't really know what's come over me, but last night I felt so angry and protective of David Michael, it just wasn't even funny.
Lauren's my friend. And he's my stepbrother. I mean, I should be happy if they get together, right? It would be nice to see each of them happy with the other, wouldn't it? I mean, I really am no harboring any secret feelings for David Michael. After all, he's been my stepbrother since we were tiny. He's basically like my brother, rather than a stepbrother. But, still, I was really kind of annoyed and angry any time the two of them would dance together. Benny tried to distract me and I really thank him for that, but it didn't make much of a difference. I still felt myself boiling up.
What's wrong with me? Why can I not stand to see anyone else around me happy? Am I selfish or is this somehow Seth's doing? I know I can't blame everything on him (though I'd love to), but having messed up romantic feelings could definitely fall under something that he screwed up.
February 29
All right. I'm just going to tell this in narrative instead of trying to analyze it because my brain just isn't ready for that yet. Who knows when my brain will ever be ready? Anyways! Here's what happened after school today:
I was walking home from school with Lauren. My brothers seemed to have decided that Lauren is an appropriate friend for me to have and have stopped insisting on walking home with us. It's been kind of nice not to have my brothers hanging around me like protective guardians or something.
Anyways, as we were walking, I stopped listening to what Lauren was saying and starting thinking that about how nice it was to finally have another girlfriend. It's been such a long time since I've really had any girls who wanted to spend time with me (I think the whole freaky raped girl thing puts most people off) and I've been soaking it up like the first rays of summer sunshine.
Then Lauren stopped walking. I stopped, too.
"Why'd you stop?" I asked her. She shook her head.
"Haven't you been listening at all?" she demanded and before I could say anything, she grabbed either side of my head and pressed her mouth against mine.
I was too stunned to do anything. I let her press her tongue past my teeth and into my mouth. I didn't protest when one of her hands moved to gently cup the back of my head. I just stood there.
I'm still in shock.
