Title: Bend and Not Break
Author: DockRock06
Rating: M
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.
Spoilers: Season 12's 'If not now'
Content Warning: Adult themes i.e. Rape.
Summery: What if Ray wasn't really as fine as he is letting on? Will his friends be able to help him in time?
A/N I just want to say Thank You to all of the people who have read this story, even if you didn't review, the fact that you are reading is GREAT!
Also, I was wondering if people like the new thing I have going with this story, the lyrics at the top of the chapter to represent what is going to happen. Tell me what you think!
CHAPTER 4: Falling Apart
Twenty years it's breaking you down,
Now that you understand,
There's no one around
Just take a breath, take a seat,
You're falling apart and tearing at the seams.
The Fray – Heaven Forbid
It was Brett's last night in Chicago before he had to go back to California and be with the rest of the band, so he and Ray where out in one of the bars that they used to go to together. Brett still hadn't managed to get Ray to open up to him, and he wasn't going to leave until he did, even if that meant losing a few of the gigs that the band had phoned over the past week to say they had booked for when he got back. He just wanted to make sure that his friend was alright, that was more important to him than a few good nights out and some…'fun' with a random groupie whose name he wouldn't know and whose face he would most likely never see again. Not many people knew, or even thought, but Brett was a sentimental guy at heart and he would always look out for friends and family first. And he considered Ray to be both.
Ordering their drinks, Ray and Brett took a seat in a booth in the back, close enough to the stage so they had a good view, but secluded enough so they could talk without having to yell at the top of their lungs.
'So, back to California tomorrow' Ray said before taking the first drink of his beer.
'Yep…back to the ladies, beer and lots of fun' Brett laughed as he too took a drink from his beer, enjoying the chatter like old times.
Reclining into his seat, Brett studied Ray's face, trying to see if he was going to give anything away with the next statement Brett was going to make, knowing that Ray's eyes usually betrayed his mouth when he was trying to act as if he were fine.
'So are you going to tell me what's been up with you since I got back, or do I have to drag it out of you' Brett said bluntly, fed up of skirting around the subject. He had dropped subtle hints over the past two weeks and now that he was leaving he was fed up with it, he was just going to say what was on his mind like he usually did.
Feeling the heat rise up the back of his neck, and his chest tightening, Ray pulled in a deep breath and took a large swig of his beer before replying,
'I have no idea what you're talking about. I'm fine' Ray hoped that his answer would make Brett drop the subject; he didn't really want to get into anything right now, especially not in a public place.
However Brett wasn't one to back down, he noticed the shutters come down over Ray's eyes, something he always did when he didn't want to talk about something that was bothering him.
'Yeah, that's why every night I've been here you've got up in the middle of the night' Brett said in a matter-of-fact tone, noting the shocked look on Ray's face, who had obviously thought that Brett had been asleep.
'So I get up, big deal!' Ray said; a little agitated. It's not that he didn't trust Brett not to tell anyone what had happened, because Brett knew a lot about his past that other people didn't, some things which Neela didn't even know yet. He was agitated because he didn't think he could go over what had happened again, he was afraid that if he tried he would break and wouldn't be able to be fixed.
'It is a big deal whenever you lock yourself in the bathroom and won't let your own girlfriend near you!' Brett hissed, hoping to get through to Ray that whatever he was keeping bottled up wasn't healthy. He was a doctor for Christ's sake, didn't he see what that did to people!
Ray lowered his eyes to the table, picking at the label on his beer nervously. He didn't know that Brett had known what had gone on at night since it had happened. He always assumed that Brett was asleep since he never mentioned anything before.
'I already told you, its fine…I'm fine' Ray said in a quiet voice, the reality of the situation finally starting to sink into him. I am really as fine as I think I am?
Brett opened his mouth to speak again, to reprimand Ray again for saying that he was fine, when he suddenly remembered something. Back in that club in L.A. He was just like this…when his father was there!
'This is about you're dad isn't it' Brett stated, finally realizing why Ray had been so keen on coming back to Chicago. Brett remembered when he and Ray had been kids, Ray had always had black eyes and broken bones from 'falling down the stairs' or some other lame excuse which his father had created to try and keep his citizen status as a working class family man. But Brett knew that he was far from it. He had gone to Rays one day after school, and Ray could hardly speak, a fractured jaw courtesy of his father's foot when he had done his homework wrong. That was when Ray had actually admitted to him that it was his father that beat him and his mother, and from then on they had been best friends, always looking out for each other, an unspoken promise they had made to each other, and Brett was destined that he was going to keep that promise.
When Ray heard the question he was tempted to just repeat his earlier answer, but he was tired of lying, and tired of having to pretend that he was fine when he wasn't. He just wanted all of the nightmares and the pain to go away, and he desperately hoped that talking would help. Maybe Kerry was right, maybe I can't do this on my own?
Nodding his head slowly, Ray said quietly, 'Yeah', and looked up in time to see Brett mimic his action, a sorrowful expression painted on his face.
'Do you want to talk about it?' Brett asked, glad that Ray seemed to be taking a step in the right direction, actually admitting that something was wrong.
Taking a large gulp of his beer, Ray stood from his seat and said,
'Yeah, but not here. Neela's in work until one so we can go back to the apartment. There's beer there' Ray said the last part with a smile, trying to push down the sick feeling in his stomach.
Standing up Brett finished his beer and followed Ray out, both walking the short distance back to the apartment in silence. Brett not knowing what to say, and Ray still trying to push down the feeling in the pit of his stomach.
Pushing the door to the apartment over Ray went to the fridge and pulled out the six-pack of beer as Brett went and sat of the couch, waiting for his friend.
'Thanks' Brett said as Ray handed him a beer and sat on the seat beside him, also taking a beer and opening it, swallowing back a huge mouthful.
After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence Brett said,
'So are you going to talk to me now…cos back in the bar I think the waitress was giving me the eye'
Ray ran his had through his hair nervously before saying,
'If I tell you this, will you swear not to tell anybody?'
Brett felt his heart quicken its pace at the pleading sound to Ray's voice.
'Of course man, you know I wont' And Brett meant it. If Ray wanted anyone to know then he would tell them, Brett knew it wasn't his place to tell Rays secrets, and so he would never even dream of doing it.
Leaning back, Ray took a deep breath before he began,
'Remember back in L.A when my Dad came back and I left…well that wasn't the last time I saw him' Ray stole a quick glance in Brett's direction before continuing
'I'd only been back a few hours and he showed up here. I was scared shitless' Ray paused, swallowing the lump in his throat. He wanted to stop, but he knew that he couldn't. He had started the story and he had to finish it or else he would go insane.
Brett was taken back at Ray admitting that he was scared, he never knew him to ever do that. And that fact made Brett feel uneasy of what was to come.
'What happened' Brett asked, trying to encourage Ray to continue.
Ray retold the story of his father stabbing him, and couldn't look at Brett, his face a picture of sympathy.
'Did he get arrested, because Neela told me that he was in the hospital with a heart attack, but I saw no guards' Brett said confused and puzzled. Surely he would have been charged for attempted murder!
'He wasn't, I didn't tell the police it was him…I wish I had now' and as Ray said the last part Brett saw the single tear that rolled down his cheek as he stared forward, as if he was trapped in the memory, watching it all again.
'Neela had went back to work…and I didn't think that he would…I thought' Ray broke off, squeezing his eyes shut against the onslaught of images which where spiraling through his mind, covering his vision.
Reaching across Brett set his hand across Rays back, giving his shoulder a reassuring squeeze and said,
'What happened…it can't be that bad' and he was truthfully hoping that it wasn't 'that bad'. But in all honesty he knew that it was because he had never seen Ray cry when he talked about his father, the very few times which they were. He usually talked with a hate in his voice which was only reserved for James Barnett. But now his voice sounded scared and quiet…two characteristics which Brett would never put alongside the name Ray Barnett.
Ray wiped at his face, drying away tears but knowing that he was fighting a losing battle as more were sure to come, before saying in a defeated voice,
'It is…' and taking a deep breath Ray continued, 'I thought that it was Luka at the door because Neela had said he was going to be coming over so I didn't look and I just opened it…he came in and started telling me how I was going to be sorry for what I'd done'
Brett shook his head in disgust, he remembered at Rays mothers funeral James had blamed Ray, and they had started fighting at the house, when they didn't know that Brett could see them. The next day Ray had a lovely purple bruise covering his left eye, obviously his punishment for something he hadn't done.
'He still blames you, that bastard!' Brett half shouted, his temper getting the better of him. But he immediately cooled down when hr saw the look on Rays face. He looked so…broken. His eyes filled with a pool of tears which were threatening to fall over, and sadness reflecting from them as clear as day.
Putting his head in his hands, Ray spoke again, in a voice so quiet that Brett had to lean into him to hear what he was saying,
'I kicked him and ran to the bathroom…but I guess that was the stupidest mistake'
Brett turned his head and looked at the bathroom door, now knowing where the marks had come from, and he felt his heart once again quickening its pace, not liking where he thought this was going.
'I tried…but he just' Ray stopped, feeling the lump in his throat growing with each word, suffocating him.
Ray stood from his seat and walked to the kitchen as he said,
'I can't…I'm sorry'
Brett watched as Ray kept his back to him, his hands gripping onto the worktops as if they were the only thing holding him up. Standing he followed Ray and stood beside him, trying to look him in the eye but Ray just turned his head and looked the other way.
Putting his hand on his friends back, Brett felt him tense under his hand, and immediately pulled his hand away.
Keeping his head turned so that Brett couldn't see the tears that had slipped from his eyes and down his face unchecked, Ray said,
'Listen, maybe you should get some sleep, you have an early flight'
Brett felt his anger rise slightly. How can he try and brush me off like that when I can tell he's not fine? Does he actually think that I'll leave just like that!
Ray moved to walk to his room when he felt Brett grab his arm and push him into the worktop, his hands gripping his shoulders and blocking his way out of the kitchen.
Ray moved his hands to try and push Brett away, but found that Brett was stronger and wasn't budging any time soon.
'Listen, I know that you want to carry on likes nothing is wrong, but you can't! You have to tell me, maybe I can help you' Brett said, all the while keeping his hold on Ray who had stopped trying to push him off and was standing looking over Brett's shoulder.
'Yeah, well I want to…but I can't' Ray hung his head, feeling the energy drain from his body. What he would give to just go to bed and curl up so small that he would just disappear and not have to deal with anything, just to be fine.
Brett let go of Ray's shoulders, ready to just go to sleep, because if Ray didn't want his help then he wasn't going to fall out and stop talking because he pushed it too far. But as he stepped back to walk out of the kitchen, he was surprised when Ray didn't rush past him, but slide down the worktop and wrapped his arms around his head.
Sitting down beside his friend, Brett said in a quiet voice,
'I'm not going to fight with you Ray, but I will say this. You're like a brother to me and I want to help you, but if you don't want to tell me then that's O.K. We're not going to stop being friends because of that.'
Ray sat listening to every word that Brett was saying, drinking it all in. He had felt the all too familiar lump in his throat when Brett had said he was like a brother to him. Pulling his head up and wrapping his arms around his shins, Ray said in a choked voice as tears ran down his face,
'He started banging on the door…got it opened and then he…' Ray broke off, not wanting to say the words, hoping that Brett wouldn't ask him to actually clarify anything.
Brett sat in a stunned silence. He knew that James was always beating the living daylights out of Ray, but he didn't think that he would ever do something as sick as that. Looking over at Ray, who had put his head on his knees and was sobbing quietly, Brett said,
'I'm sorry man…if I'd known' Brett trailed off, not really knowing how to finish that sentence.
Just as he was about to say something else, Brett heard the sound of the front door opening and looked up to see Neela, her scarf pulled tight around her neck and a hat hugged to her head.
Knowing that Neela and Ray would need some time to talk Brett pushed himself off his place on the floor beside Ray and said a quick 'hello' and 'goodbye' to Neela as he brushed past her and out the door, planning on going back to the bar which he and Ray had been at earlier.
Walking over beside Ray, Neela sat down and pulled him to her, feeling him relax against her as she rocked him back and forth, gently running her had over his back.
'I didn't think it would be this hard' Ray cried into Neela shoulder as she repeated the words, 'Shh' and 'I'm here', over and over again like a mantra.
Laying his head in Neelas lap, Ray felt himself feeling relaxed and sleepy, his lids dropping shut as Neela ran her fingers through his hair.
'I think Kerry was right' Ray said, his eyes still closed.
'Me too' Neela said, hoping that Ray was finally going to get help.
After sitting in the same place for about ten minutes, Ray pushed himself up off the floor, and reached a hand down to Neela, pulling her up and pulling her into a hug.
'What would I do without you' Ray said, his cheek resting on the top of Neelas head, her hair tickling the side of his face, while Neela had her arms circled around his waist.
Looking up, Neela cupped Rays face in her hands and pulled him into a passionate kiss. Breaking away, Neela looked up into Rays green-gold gaze and said,
'I think its time for bed' Neela said as she interlocked her fingers with Rays and pulled him towards the bedroom.
A/N I hope that you like this long chapter and please review and let me know you're thoughts and ideas!
