Disclaimer: Read the other chapter, actually that will probably take you about half an hour because I started to ramble a bit in the last chapter.
This is the second book by the way. Last one only took me three chapters.
Chapter four: Worship my greatness!
Currently running around hills
I'm sure we are going in circles. That rock looks rather familiar. Actually, they all look the same so I don't know if we have been here before. I know, my great ranger skills should tell me if we have been here already, but I'm tracking the orcs, I can't do two things at once. Legolas and me are sat having some tea waiting for Gimli to get his lard arse over here. He is so slow, I'm quite fast, Legolas just prances about, but what do you expect? He's an elf. Elves are known for prancing everywhere. Even Elrond prances when he is doing stuff; it's not a pretty sight. I think Gimli is appearing now, I can hear his asthmatic breathing ten miles off. I'm surprised Legolas isn't deafened by it. Legolas has just said something, I'll look mildly interested and then maybe he'll shut up.
Orcs running very fastI am completely exhausted, Legolas keeps whinging because he has to brush his hair while running and Gimli has twisted his ankle. I don't think we are any nearer to the orcs. I'd better look like I am doing something that a leader would do. I'll listen to the sounds of the earth. That's what most leaders do. Isn't it?
Listened to earthIt's very boring. I can hear a lot of noise, but not much else. I think horses are somewhere, but apart from that I don't know anything. Legolas can see the orcs when he stands on big hills. Gimli is only a little bit behind us now; I think he getting use to running everywhere.
Found the horsesTold you there were horses running somewhere. It was the Riders of Rohan. I only recognised them because of Eomer at the front blocking out the sun with his big helmet. Maybe I should get a helmet like that? Anyway, apparently they have caught up with the orcs, slaughtered them all and Merry and Pippin may have 'accidentally' got killed in the crossfire. Eomer just doesn't want to admit that not everyone that talks to him is trying to kill him. Except for Gimli, Eomer called him small. Whatever you do, never say the obvious to a dwarf.
Found burning pile of carcassesEomer always has to show off, the leader is on a spike; actually it would be more accurate to say that his head is on a spike. Perhaps I had better do something that a leader would do when he fails? Scream and shout?
Screamed and shouted for all I'm worthI don't feel any better either. Legolas looked at me as though I was crazy and Gimli was too busy sifting through the dead orcs. He's just found a belt belonging to one of the hobbits. Arrrggghhh! Maybe if I scream and chuck stuff about a bit more, Legolas will stop looking at me.
I am great, all worship my greatnessI tracked the hobbits into Fanghorn Forest; they weren't killed and burnt after all. Gimli is amazed at how good at tracking I am and Legolas doesn't believe it. Seriously, he thinks Pippin had the time to scrawl 'Aragorn, running into Fanghorn Forest away from orcs. Men have just come and killed most of them. One-armed orc after us. Hurry up and save us. Pippin,' in the dirt before running for his life and I scrubbed it out before anyone saw it.
Gimli is tasting orc bloodAnd then spitting it out again, dwarves, you can't take them out anywhere. The forest is very spoooooky! And Legolas keeps insisting that the trees are talking to him, I'm booking him into a mental institution the second we get back to Rivendell. We aren't allowed to draw our weapons either because Legolas says that 'the trees are afraid of us, they think we are going to harm them.' I'm going to build a fire tonight just to annoy him.
White wizard is following usI'm the one supposed to be tracking and following, not Saruman. I only met Saruman once, before he became evil and all that. Very nice chap needed a shave though. Once I suggested that Gandalf should shave his off because it would make him look fifty years younger. I woke up the next morning with no eyebrows.
